How about this one, your critiques have helped sorry about b2b post I'm anxious. - WritingForums.com - Writing Forums, Writing Challenges, Critiques and Help for Writers

Roman_Mitic · 01-24-2008, 03:11 PM

I tried just writting it simple, so that mabye it would sould less garbled. I need some help on getting started in writting, my real question is. Those who have read my posts today, do you feel any potential in these few pages I've posted?

The young knight sent to clear the swamp steps through the murk, contemplating battle. He has no fear only anticipation, he has been preparing for this duty his entire life. His training has taught him to expect anything, so the following was simply another test of his will to live. He was ready.
The goblin rose out of the water casing a shadow over the young knight. He held his bronze shield high and his sword hidden.
“Hello boy! Are you hungry?”
The glistening creature snapped. The young knight replied.
“I‘ve eaten already I apologize, I do however carry a treat”
The boy said clearly
“A treat, what sort of treat!”
The creature hissed.
The young knight retrieved a mirror from his satchel. He slowly laid it on a rock in front the creature, keeping his eyes locked with the goblins.
The creature held it curiously. The young knight seized his opportunity; at the instant, the creature focused on the mirror the young knight thrust his weapon into goblins throat, moving it in a twisting action. With every motion of the sword, the goblins greens flesh tears and it’s blood trickling down it‘s neck.
The goblin gasping and choking fell to its knees. The knight swiftly removed the head of the creature. He drops his shield to the crimson ground below raises the severed head. The infantry bellows with victorious banging of war drums.
The knight had unknowingly slain the last goblin and became a true knight with a single blow.

HippoHead · 01-24-2008, 04:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Roman_Mitic

I tried just writting it simple, so that mabye it would sould less garbled. I need some help on getting started in writting, my real question is. Those who have read my posts today, do you feel any potential in these few pages I've posted?

The young knight sent to clear the swamp steps through the murk, contemplating battle. He has no fear. Only anticipation. (shorter sentences build up suspense and drama)He has been preparing for this duty his entire life. His training has taught him to expect anything, so the following was simply another test of his will to live. He is ready.

The goblin <(if this is the goblin's name/ title, it should start with a capital letter) began rising (present tense) out of the water, casting a shadow over the young knight. The knight rose (present tense) his bronze shield high, but kept his sword hidden.
“Hello boy! Are you hungry?” <(after a speech mark, you never put a capital letter in)> the glistening creature snaps.

The young knight replies: “I‘ve eaten already. I apologize. I do, however, carry a treat.”
The boy said clearly << (unnececessary.)
“A treat? What sort of treat?” < (question) The creature hisses.
The young knight retrieves a mirror from his satchel. He slowly lies it on a rock in front of the creature, keeping his eyes locked with the goblins'.
The creature claims it, and holds it up curiously.
The young knight seizes his opportunity;<< (semi-colons are only used when adding an abstract, but related idea to the sentence). With the creature focused on the mirror, the young knight thrust his weapon into the goblins throat, twisting the sword round. With every motion of the sword, the goblins green flesh tears and it(no apostrophe. It is not the plural of a word)s blood trickles down its neck.
The goblin, gasping and choking, falls to its knees. The knight swiftly removes the head of the creature. He drops his shield to the crimson ground below and raises the severed head. The infantry bellows with the victorious banging of war drums.
The knight had unknowingly slain the last goblin. He has become a true knight with a single blow.

Surroundings! What are they? What do they contain?
Characters! Your characterisation is good, but give us physical description.
Where did the infantry come from? You need to have mentioned them earlier on. Their appearance seemed rather random. Know the end of your story before you even start one!
do not put something like
'blah blah replied,
"No not today."'
The speech, the narration of the speaker, as well as their actions should be put into one paragraph.

couldn't open your last post for some reason. Thought you might like criticism on another story, anyway. This is set in the present right?
Decide which tense to write in! Past, I feel is the easiest and most professional looking tense to write in.

clear the swamp << of what?! It is hard to undestand what you mean at this point. I know it means drive the goblin out, but it makes no sense at all first. XD

These are just the grammar errors. There are quite a few narration and plot-developing tricks needed. If you keep writing and reading, you will eventually be able to see what works and what doesn't.

HippoHead · 01-24-2008, 04:13 PM

i dunno how to delete this post! So i've edited it to say this!

Knotting · 01-25-2008, 08:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Roman_Mitic

I need some help on getting started in writting, my real question is. Those who have read my posts today, do you feel any potential in these few pages I've posted?

Hello.

You are asking whether you have potential as a writer, and that is a very important question to ask. To be honest, I think it is impossible to tell at this point, whether you have potential or not. The fact that you have sat down, written a piece, and even submitted it for critique (with marked anxiety), might very well be a sign that you have potential. Perhaps you have something rattling around inside of you that needs to come out, that can only be expressed a certain way, such as by writing. That strange compulsion is a common characteristic of good writers, good artists, good musicians, those who create. I am uncertain yet if you have such a compulsion, if you have that spark. But the fact you have attempted to write might be a hint that you do. Only you know for certain.

Now let me turn my attention more fully on what you have actually written. You writing had no soul to it. I feel you are not writing from your heart, but rather you are merely writing a fantasy. You may say; "I am trying to write fantasy! So isn't this a good thing?" All good writers write from their own store of experiences and emotions, even fantasy and fiction writers. It is what imbues a good writer's work with a sense of reality, style, and uniqueness. Perhaps you have imagined yourself as a knight fighting a dragon. But add a bit of your own spirit to this typical fantasy formula. As you write pretend the dragon is someone that you hate, or someone that you both love and hate. Give the dragon that person's personality and maybe even a touch of their appearance. The knight can have the personality of someone in your life that you admire. Have the knight think and act like that person.

I think it has already been addressed that you have a troubling lack of description. I agree with this. Every work of fantasy, no matter how short, truly needs to have sufficient description of what the world actually looks like around the characters. Part of the enjoyment of reading fantasy is becoming lost in a world apart from your own.

Finally, I have two questions. Is English not your primary language? The way your sentences are structured I get the feeling that either you do not speak English primarily or perhaps you are even running your story through an online translator. If this is the case I am certain aspects of your story are being lost in the translation. Try and find a friend who speaks and writes and English so they can help you better translate your work. If English is your first language, I am wondering how old you are. I do not expect you to answer of course. But if you are younger then ten years or so I am impressed you desire to write at such an age and I hope you keep at it a little longer. As you grow up you may find skills growing inside you to accompany your desire to write.

As long as you desire to learn how to write well there will be people willing to teach you and places, like this, where you can go to learn.