salmon the creative

Before i say this, i am new to this site - just registered like 5 minutes ago and im only 16. But my passion for writing is immense. Its my best talent and writing is something i adore with my life.

Anyway, i have currently written a book called crimson blood. I originally titled it as "Rise of the alegy" but i decided the name was too cliche and so i changed it to crimson blood. What it is, there is a town called Arconvale that is set during the 1800's. The town was part of a massive war with a race of creatures called the Alegy that took place hundreds of years ago. They were led by, and still are led by, someone called the enforcer. The main character of the story, Troy Angelo, is central to the entire plotline. What happens throughout the course of crimson blood is a world of mystery and intrigue. In a nutshell, the Alegy have recovered from their huge defeat and are now making ultimate plans to launch a large scale invasion of Arconvale - one they wouldnt be able to defend against. The enforcer is behind the leash as their leader although during the book, Troy uncovers a few secrets that the enforcer doesnt want him to know - one of them being that he was once a human being - normal like the rest of them. But he was so obsessed with the lure of dark magic and its potential that he created an orb, a crystal sphere, that held his soul in called Sistrens dream (his name was Sistren Malogov). The key to defeating the enforcer lies within the dream... Troy basically spends the entire book finding ways to which he can stop the enforcers reign of terror over his own people and over Arconvale. Inevitably, he loses a few of his family and his friends along the way - which i did consider wisely because some of them were crucial to the plot development. In the end, Troy manages to destroy the orb and therefore destroy the enforcer for good. Along with that, the alegy are dissolved in their own hate and are wiped from the face of the earth. But, Sistren Malogov is still at large - the orb only held the soul of the enforcer. The first book ends with Troy getting married to his "friend" Theresa and ends with a cliffhangar of sorts as Sistren begins work on a new sphere.

Crimson blood I took me a year to write along with studies and my exams to consider but when i had finished it, i felt like i had overcome a giant obstacle. Anyways, i have started work on crimson blood II but i have only written a few pages since christmas. I want to make sure i rectify everything i think i did wrong last time. My main focus of crimson blood I was to focus on the action and less on the character development. This time around, i want to delve deeper into the characters and unleash something that a reader could relate to. Thats why i signed up for this website. I think you could help me develop crimson blood II and also a play that i am also writing at the same time - although that doesnt belong in the fiction part.

So, i would just like to see what everyone else thinks of my plotline for crimson blood I because its the first thing i have written that has made me proud to finish and i reallt want to make a successful career out of my talent for writing in the future...

HippoHead

put it up then

and please don't call 'crimson blood 2' crimson blood 2!

crimson blood is an awesomesauce title. Don't bog it down with a '2'. You could alter the title or something. like... Scarlet Blood (just an example)... just a different word for red, really XD
but yeah that's just my lil tip.

Mr Sci Fi

Why not post excerpts up for critique? We get enough plots on this board, we prefer actual material.

Also, if you realized you made a mistake with the first one, why not rewrite it instead of a sequal, concentrating more on character?

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salmon the creative

Well, i dont think i have made a mistake with my first book. I did want to focus more on the action than the characterisation so thats not something i would want to rewrite when im happy with the finished product i have produced. And for the first person who replied, i havent called it crimson blood 2 because i do agree that adding a "2" to the end of a title makes it sound tacky and rubbish. Ive called the second one, "crimson blood: veins of truth" and i feel im making pretty good progress with it.

For those who want it, i will post an extract from the book, possibly around the middle of it because the action is immense around that period, and you can post solid comments based on that. And i think i will post an extract from the second book to let you see what progress i am making. Also, i think it would be good, not just for you but for me, to compare the two extracts and see how much my writing has evolved since i began writing crimson blood I. I really believe my writing has grown up since last year and thats something i can be proud of.

I will post the two extracts tommorow because im rushing to write this because im busy, im late and i have a day ahead that wont be easy. So, the extracts will be here tommorow.

salmon the creative

As promised, here is an extract from crimson blood I, chapter 16 – The beginning of the end:

Troy knew that the enforcer was behind Regullus’s sudden change of mood. Reasoning with a possessed phantom overcome by evil would be impossible. Troy went over all possible routes in his mind although he knew that only one would pave way for their exit out of the library and their survival. Troy grabbed the blades of Stuart and Rory and combining their sheer strength and power, a twirling beam of golden light erupted from the points of the blades and engulfed Regullus’s body. He fell to the floor – motionless and immobile. Troy knew that there was nothing he could’ve done to prevent his death – the enforcer had seen to that.

Troy, Theresa, Stuart and Rory quickly left the library. They knew that it was only a matter of hours away before the greatest invasion to ever hit Arconvale would begin. The immense strength and power of the invasion would most certainly cripple Arconvale’s defences but Troy knew that the one thing that was keeping everyone fighting was the fact they had hope. Hope was their greatest strength and Troy knew that as long as everyone had hope, the fight to keep control of their territory would last longer than what it would have.

Troy grabbed Theresa’s hand and gazed up at the stars. The sky should’ve been a healthy shade of black. Instead, it was a terrifying red colour that blocked out all source of light from the stars and from the moon. The entire sky above the Daledie forest was blood red and the entire treeline was roaring with burning hot flames. Trees were collapsing everywhere he looked and deep in the forest, he could hear the echoing war cries of the advancing Alegy war beasts. It was getting louder and louder until they were almost deafening…

…the invasion to last hundreds of years had begun…





Here is a shorter extract from crimson blood II: Veins of truth, which I am currently writing. It is from chapter 2 – The stranger with wise words:


Troy ran back to the guardpost and saw twelve guards stood around Tanya, who was knelt on the ground. The taller, better dressed guard was holding a blade to her throat quite menacingly. The man holding the blade was wearing impeccable clothing and his hair seemed to glisten in the moonlight. He was clearly their captain.
“Let me introduce myself. I’m Oscar Villiers – or guard captain of Arconvale if you like” he smiled cruelly. He casually lifted his blade into the light and examined the shine it gave off before replacing it back to its position at the forefront of Tanya’s throat. “I’m afraid that the espionage crusade you were embarking upon here has failed Mr.Angelo. The game was up as soon as we found this one running through the forest carrying our stolen jewel!”
“Taking hostages unwillingly surely isn’t part of the guard conduct is it Villiers?”Said Troy who was switching his vision between Tanya’s desperate face and Oscar’s cruel smile.
“People around Arconvale know me for not doing things by the code of conduct. If rules are broken I enforce the punishments” laughed Oscar as he lifted Tanya’s head to face Troy. Troy could feel himself getting extremely frustrated by Villiers’s smug antics but knew he couldn’t do anything about it.
“Let my sister go and we can all avoid a bloodbath. I’m sure you wouldn’t want your town to get the news that their guard captain has been murdered would you?” said Troy as he unsheathed his blade and prepared to fight with some of Arconvales best swordsmen. “Surely you know what I am capable of”
“Ah yes we do know Mr. Angelo. But that doesn’t make you invincible does it? I’ve got ten of my men surrounding you each with a steel arrow aimed directly at your head. Now no matter how strong you believe you are, even you couldn’t survive an arrow through the head” Oscar smiled as he indicated to Troy the men he was describing.
Troy lowered his blade and knew Oscar was right. No matter what he did, someone would die if he made a move out of turn. He was just as trapped as Tanya was.
“What do you want from me? What is so important to you that you take my sister hostage, threaten me, my wife and my friends?!” shouted Troy as he glanced to the marksmen surrounding him.
“I want to know what you saw inside that hole. No-one has ever been to the edges of that pit and survived and now you come along and avoid an inevitable death. You are special Mr. Angelo and I need to know what it is you saw inside that hole that spared you death” Villiers said and for once that evening, the smile on his face had disappeared.







I would like you to give me feedback on what you think of the extracts i have provided here. I will tell you now that there are definitley better parts i could've picked to show you but i wanted you to see those two bits. If you would like me to, i will give you some more extracts in the future but for now, i would like to know what you think.

Thanks again.

Salmon ><>

Istran

Hmmm...The big bad guy hides his soul in an object...Where have I heard that before?

this seems to be a very good story and I'm sure that it will make a great series. However, if this ever becomes a bestseller or sumsuch, aren't you worried that a certain L.A. based gang might come after you for infringing upon their creative property?

I'm impressed by your writing, especially since you're so young, but I have to ask...Why is it called crimson blood?

panicnight26

You start off too many sentences with the word troy. It makes it unpleasant to read.

salmon the creative

He doesnt exactly hide his soul in the sphere. He has put his soul into the orb but not to hide it. He uses it as a weapon throughout the entire book but doesnt realise what will happen if it was destroyed - which does happen. He is basically using his soul against his enemies because thats the most powerful thing he knows of. And in response to your question as to why the book is called Crimson Blood. Well, later on in the book (after the extract i provided) the enforcer unveils a weapon he has been keeping secret. This weapon of mass destruction is basically a huge ball of energy if you like that can grow bigger and bigger until it practically absorbs the entire planet and it wouldnt stop there either. This weapon is called the crimson bloods and it gets revealed just a little bit after the extract.

And to the the guy that said i used the word Troy too many times, i can understand where you are coming from. I didnt realise i used it that often but i do have to ask - what should i use instead of Troy because he is the main character?

And thanks for saying my writings good. I appreciate it!

panicnight26

just come up with ways to talk about him without using his name as the first word of the sentence, so the story doesnt read so repetitively. good story man

panicnight26

BTW, does this not seem like the perfect story for a Japanese anime?

salmon the creative

I dont know does it?

salmon the creative

Even if it does, theres nothing wrong with jap animes...

animator

it sounds like it'll make a good game

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salmon the creative

game? nah thanks

salmon the creative

For those that are interested and want me to post more of my second crimson blood story, then i am going to post a second extract from crimson blood II: Veins of truth and so you can give me feedback on that because i want to know what people think about what i am writing. So, here it is. It is a short extract from chapter 4 - The bitter future and Troy has just rescued Tanya from a prison hundreds of years in the future when he stepped through the peltio pathway (a gateway to the future) and he also encountered Sistren Malogov there and found out he has established a connection between the present year and the future that may prove fatal for Arconvale:

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Well, writing, what do you think?!