"Untitled"- a story about a new Vampire - Writers Forum

HeatherLee · 01-13-2008, 07:34 PM

Preface:

“You don't recover from a night like this.”

(Brand New)

That was my last night, although I obviously didn't know it at the time. It was my last night as a human. I had left the party in SoHo at about one in the morning. My usual party habits would have had me there much later, but I had finals in the morning and thought it wise to get at least some sleep beforehand.

It was late April and the weather was unseasonably cool, but nothing could compare to the frigid temperature of my attacker. He towered over me at about 6"1', with light gray eyes, and long blond hair that gently brushed the tops of his shoulders. He was dressed in an odd way that shouldn't have surprised me since moving to New York City three years ago; there was always some freak trying out a new trend. However for some reason, his style of dress was especially different. He wore plain black pants that were fitted to his muscular legs, and a shirt that could only be described as a "blouse" with a sort of ruffled front. Over all of this he wore a dark colored trench coat that fell down the entire length of his body, all the way down to the slightly damp cement of the alleyway.

Believe me, I had never intended on ending up in a dark alleyway. Before I moved here from Long Island that was the advice that every one of my family members and friends had given me-- "Don't go down dark alleyways alone at night." I had, as a rule, never even walked by them. Instead, I would cross the street and continue my journey on the other side until it too provided an alleyway that served as a playground for the city's low-life’s.

Tonight however, I had been lost in my own thoughts, most of them centering on Ryan. Not only had tonight involved a memorable party, but Ryan and I had also taken our relationship to the next level. Ever since we had started dating six months ago, we had taken things slowly. We didn't want to be the couple that burned out too quickly. Tonight was the first night he had told me he loved me. So, instead of paying attention to the alleyways I had been advised to avoid, I was lost in my little daydreams about Ryan.

Now I was lying on the wet cement of said alleyway with this strange man standing above me, explaining something. I couldn't make out what he was saying because the head wound he had inflicted was bleeding through my hair and covering my ears, making it almost impossible to hear his soft, deep voice. I could smell the stale water that had pooled all over the alley and the rank garbage from the dumpster a few feet away. The bricks of the two buildings I was between were old and had begun to crumble in certain places, the mortar too weak to hold things together any longer. I felt sand and gravel beneath my arms as I lay there, still trying to hear what the man was saying to me.

At this point I knew his soliloquy was coming to a close because he was making his way closer. Then he leaned over me and inclined his head to my neck. That was the last human memory I ever had.

Scripto_ergo_anhelo · 01-14-2008, 02:38 AM

i love how descriptive your writing is. i also enjoy your quoting two of my favorite bands. yay!

new chapter, please!

HeatherLee · 01-14-2008, 04:51 AM

im glad you enjoyed my story, its always nice to have a new fan...there is more on the way i am just waiting for more comments

HeatherLee · 01-15-2008, 05:57 PM

Chapter 1:

“And the coastline is quiet. While we're quietly losing control.”

(Brand New)

When I "woke up", I knew that I was dead, as contradictory as that may seem. What I felt, or rather the lack of what I felt could only be described as death. I couldn't feel anything, not even the hard surface I was lying on, for surely it must have been hard because it was a stone floor. What I lacked in sensation, I made up for with my other senses. I could see and hear everything around me. After listening for a few minutes, I realized the room I was in must be under some sort of restaurant-- Chinese, if the smells and language of the men I heard above me were any indication.

I love Chinese food; my dorm was half a block away from the best Chinese place I'd found so far in the city. As I thought about my favorite item on the menu, Lo Mien, I found that I was extremely hungry, but also...repulsed by the idea of the noodle/vegetable combination that I so often craved. Besides that, I had more important things to think about besides my next meal. I sat up and looked around the crude room I now found myself in. I noticed a steep concrete staircase across the room from where I sat. I stood up with ease and made my way through the dark room, surprisingly having no trouble seeing where I was going despite the complete darkness I was in.

I stopped at the foot of the stairs listening to an impossible conversation upstairs. What made it impossible was the fact that I could hear anything at all. I slowly walked up the stairs, thinking through what I was about to do. I had always been the type to logically think through every aspect of a situation. Once I thought everything through, I made a decision and then quickly executed it. I was prepared for the men upstairs to be startled by my sudden appearance. I was prepared for them to be angry that I was trespassing in a part of the restaurant only intended for employees. I opened the door slowly and stepped out into the bright fluorescent lights of the restaurant's back kitchen.

I saw four short Chinese men suddenly stop whatever it was they were doing before, to stare at me. Yep, just as I thought-they were surprised to see me there to say the least.

The man closest to me stammered out "Wha...what you doing back here?!"

As the man spoke, I noticed the veins lined through his forehead. He kept asking me questions in his broken English, but I couldn't concentrate on translating what he was trying to say to me. After noticing the vein in his head my eyes scanned downward noticing all of the tiny wrinkles in the man’s tired face. Looking closer I saw that I could easily count the pores on his cheeks even though I was standing more than six feet away from him. I was strangely entranced by the man’s face. My eyes moved down the man’s face to his neck. If I thought I couldn't tear my eyes away from this small Chinese man before, I had no hope of it now. My breath stopped as I noticed the thick jugular vein that was throbbing with the man’s blood. His blood. I wanted it. I craved it. I had to get out of here.

All of a sudden I heard the sharp intake of the man’s breath and his pulse increased rapidly. My eyes darted up to his face and what I saw there was sheer terror. Slowly the man started to back away from me, all the while not tearing his eyes away from mine. I took one small step towards him and the man tripped over his own feet, sprawling onto the hard kitchen floor.

Suddenly my mind realized what my body was trying to do and I started to back away from the Chinese man that was still lying on the floor.

"Sorry", I apologized, "I'm leaving right now". Something was off though, my voice didn't sound like mine at all. I chalked it up to a long night of partying and continued backing up, away from the object of my frightening intentions. I finally tore my eyes away from the men and turned towards the other end of the kitchen. I began walking as quickly as possible towards the designated dining area. As I was walking past the shiny black tables with matching chairs, something caught my attention out of the corner of my eye.

I turned to see a wall, the top half of it covered in mirrors. For the second time in less than sixty seconds, my breath caught in my chest. I slowly walked towards the reflection I could only guess was my own. Although I knew that it could be no others, I still couldn't believe what I was seeing.

The first thing I noticed was my eyes. Where the normally hazel brown color used to be, a dark gray color stared back at me. After studying the new color of my eyes, I looked at the rest of my face. I had always been pale, but the now almost translucent color of my skin surprised me. Also, my freckles were missing, as if they were something that could just be misplaced. I remembered when I was little, complaining to my mother about the abundance of dark little marks all over my face. She had told me that when I got older they would fade and eventually I wouldn't have them anymore. It was now an inside joke between her and me because they never did fade, and I had always thought she didn't know what she was talking about. That memory brought a smile to my face. That was when I noticed my teeth. They were perfectly white, almost inhumanly white and the canines were just a tad longer and sharper than they had been last time I looked in the mirror. My hair too, had changed since the last time I had fussed with it. The natural light brown color was the same, but my hair had taken on an almost luminescent shine. I backed away from the strange reflection I saw in the mirror and darted out the front door of the restaurant.

Once outside I was glad to have the fresh air and some room to think through the incredible things I had seen and felt since...last...night. That was when the memory of the strange blond-haired man in the alleyway came flooding back into my mind. I remembered being hit over the head, hard, and falling on the ground before the man attacked me. I reached up slowly to touch my head where he had struck me, feeling the unfamiliar softness of my hair, and finding no such wound.

I suddenly looked around me, noticing for the first time my surroundings. The buildings on this street looked familiar and I started to head in the direction of my dorm. As I walked down the busy streets of Manhattan, I ran all of the newly acquired information through my already tired brain. As was usual on this busy island, I was bumped into by many strangers. The difference today was that every time a person bumped into me, I had a shock run through whatever part of me they happened to hit. In the fraction of a second that their body touched mine, I could feel the warm appetizing blood rush through their veins and throb through their hearts. Appetizing?! Ugh, I need to stop, I need to get away.

That was when I started to run. I had never felt so free in my entire life. The cool, polluted wind rushed around my face and through my hair. I looked around me and noticed that the people, buildings, and cars I was running by were all blurred. It felt like when I was younger, and I would take the Long Island Railroad with my parents into the city. I always loved looking out the windows at the trees and streets we were rushing by, making everything blur with our speed. That was how this felt.

I couldn't be completely free though. Not after what I had experienced in the past half hour, I would never be able to forgive myself for the thoughts I had had about those poor old Chinese men in that restaurant. Why did I have those thoughts anyway? I wasn't a cannibal; I didn't even eat my steak that rare. Ew, steak...what....the...hell...

Just then I felt a dull pain across the middle of my abdomen and suddenly the wind stopped. I was being ripped off the crowded downtown street and into an alleyway. Oh no, not another alleyway, this is what got me into all this trouble to begin with. I struggled to free myself from the iron bar that was wrapped around my torso. Wait, since when did iron wrap around people? I looked down and saw an unnaturally white arm wrapped around my waist. The arm was just as white as my skin was now. I looked up into the light gray eyes of an extremely handsome man, with an extremely frustrated look on his face.

One_Who_Writes_Fantasy · 01-18-2008, 08:01 PM

Nice! I am very interested! I love Vampires, and I find that this story really draws you in! You should keep writing, it's off to a great start!

HeatherLee · 01-19-2008, 12:52 AM

Jeez... im a doofus and my comp wasnt working so i posted this three times...oops

HeatherLee · 01-19-2008, 12:53 AM

yea this is the second time i posted this chapter....anywho you get to learn about my version of vampires in this next chapter!!

HeatherLee · 01-19-2008, 12:57 AM

Chapter 2:

“Sorry I told, I just needed you to know.”

(Brand New)

"What the hell do you think you are doing?” The handsome but angry stranger asked me.

"What are you talking about? And do you think you could get the hell off of me? I don't even know you!" I screeched.

"Well, I'm Nicholas and I just saved your ass. You could show some gratitude and explain yourself," he retorted.

"I don't know what you are talking about, Nicholas,but I don't owe you anything," I said, sneering his name and turning to leave. He grabbed me by the wrist and spun me around to face him once again. This time I got a better look at his face. He was taller than my miniature 5"2', with deep set eyes, and a prominent jaw line that wasn't square enough to make his face look too severe. His black curly hair was tousled in a perfect way, reaching about half way down his ears. He is really good looking, I thought again.

He looked down at me with a knowing smirk and tried again, "Listen, we can't just run around downtown in the middle of the day like that. You should know better."

"Oh yeah? And why is that?" I said.

"Um, because we're vampires. You know people can't know about us. If they did, all hell would break loose. You're lucky I stopped you before you really screwed up," he explained.

I stared at him blankly. Did he really just say ‘vampires’? Wait. Did he call us ‘vampires’? That is the biggest load of cr--

"Wait a second,” he began again, this time not as sure of himself. "You really don't know, do you?” I just looked at him, hoping that he would continue without the help of my talking, since I had realized I was incapable of moving my mouth and making sounds come out. I thought back over the past thirty minutes under the bomb he had just dropped on me. Vampire? But I couldn't be a...there's no such thing as...there's no way I...

"Oh. My. God.”

"Oh man," was all he could say. That was when I hit the floor. I had never fainted before in my entire life, but I thought that this must be what it felt like. I sunk to the floor with my eyes closed and just shut down. I couldn't believe the words that had just come out of this beautiful stranger's mouth. I admit, as a kid I had always watched horror movies with vampires in them and of course I had read Anne Rice. Who hadn't? But even in my wildest dreams I never thought that...

"What’s your name, by the way?” He asked from somewhere above me. I just lay there, not answering him. I still don't think I would be able to form a coherent sentence. "Well you're thinking 'coherently' so I don't understand why you can't answer me.”

I whipped my eyes open and shot the top half of my body up into a sitting position. "What do you mean exactly, when you say I'm 'thinking coherently'"?

"I can hear your thoughts and I know that you are thinking clearly enough, even though this must be a big shock for you. That is how I knew you were running by in the middle of the day. I heard you coming and heard the jumble of thoughts in your head. That is why I reached out and grabbed you off the street," he explained simply.
"So, let me get this straight. We are both vampires, and you can read minds"? I asked.

"That sounds about right," he said, smiling, "and you still haven't told me your name."

"Oh, sorry. I'm Charlie," I answered.

"Charlie?" he asked suspiciously, "I thought that was a boy's name, and you don't look anything like a boy to me." He smirked again, looking me up and down.

"My real name is Charlotte but most people call me Charlie," I answered, averting my eyes.

"Ah okay, that makes sense then.”

I looked down at my hands in my lap. Then I tore my eyes away from their safe place to stare into his face again, pleading in my voice. "How can this be real? How could this have happened to me? What am I supposed to do now?" I asked pitifully.

"Well first of all, let's get you up off the ground." He reached out his hand to help me up from my spot on the floor. I refused his hand and got up on my own. I don’t need his help to stand, what did he take me for?

"I would ‘take you for’ a new vampire whose maker left her without even the slightest explanation. I would also say that you are probably scared and still doubtful of what you are. In addition, I can tell you still don't trust me or understand why I am trying to help you."

"Oh, right. You can read minds. That's going to be annoying. But yeah, I think you got most of it right."

"Thought so," he replied smugly. "So tell me, what do you remember?”

"Um, well, I was at a party last night, and I was walking home to my dorm in the Village, and then all of a sudden I was in an alleyway with some strange man with long blond hair. He'd hit me somewhere along the line, and I had fallen on the ground. He said something that I couldn't hear, and then he leaned over me, and the next thing I remember is waking up in the basement of a Chinese restaurant," I finished, making a face as I remembered the awful smell of the food cooking in the kitchen above where I had lain.

He smiled quickly, reading my thoughts about my distaste for the food and then just as quickly his eyes clouded over "So you're telling me that he attacked you, and then just left you in a basement somewhere to wake up on your own. What the hell did he think would happen then? Ugh, vampires these days, it makes me sick."

I looked up at his disgruntled face and quietly asked him, "...so, I'm really a vampire now?"

My question broke his train of thought and he looked down at me with a sad smile on his face. "Welcome."

"Ha. Thanks, I guess. So, what now?"

"Well, first things first, you need to understand the rules. You can go out during the day, but you have to try to avoid as much sunlight as possible. It won’t hurt you at all, but we are so pale that if a human were to look too closely at us in the light, they would grow suspicious. It's not too hard here in the city, with all the shade that the buildings provide. Besides that, I assume you have been here long enough to realize that most New Yorkers don't notice much anyway. That rule isn't too hard to follow. You also can't display your strengths again like you did earlier. You can't run at top speed where humans can see you. The most important rule of all is that you can't ever tell anyone what we are, what you are now. If the news got out, the next thing you know, the townsfolk would be breaking down our doors with pitchforks and torches." He chuckled a little at his own joke.

I, on the other hand, found nothing funny about this situation. "So you're telling me that my friends and family will never be able to know what I am now?" Even as I asked this question, I knew that I would never be able to explain to anyone what I had become. But how was I supposed to see them, have them see me, see how much I have changed, without giving them some kind of explanation?

His face suddenly became somber. "Charlie, you can't ever explain any of this to them because you can't ever see them again."

At this point in my day, I didn't think anything else could have shocked or ruined me any further. I was wrong. "What do you mean; I can't ever see my family ever again? My friends? My boyfriend?"

Ryan. It was the first time I had thought about him since my last minutes as a human. I couldn't believe this was happening to me.

His face fell just a fraction as he said, "Charlie, how can you continue a relationship with anyone? For a couple of years you could pull it off, but what would you do then? How are you supposed to explain never changing? Never aging? I've seen too many young vampires make that mistake and I won't let it be like that for you, if I can help it. I feel for you. I'm extremely sorry that you have been thrown into this life-- or lack of life, but you need to cut all of your human ties now, rather than later."

I understood what he meant. It really did make sense; I just didn't want to accept it. "But how--," I began.
"That won't be a problem. You haven't fed yet, I'm assuming, so all of the blood in your system is still your own. Let's go, we need to do this quickly or we won't have time before you get too hungry to resist," he finished as he started to pull me through the door we had originally come through.

"Wait, what are we going to do?"

"We are going to fake your death," he replied grimly as we walked back into the alleyway he had pulled me down earlier, before I had learned the true nature of what I had become.

***************************

Nicholas led me up the street walking at what I felt was a ridiculously slow pace. Looking around me, I realized that he was purposely keeping up with the never-ending stream of pedestrian traffic. Whenever there was a break in the shadows and the sunlight streamed between the tall buildings, he would pick up his pace. I looked down and realized for the first time that he was holding my hand. He must have grabbed it back in the alleyway. Strange, I thought, it felt so natural to be holding his hand, even though I had only known him for a few minutes.

He looked back and gave me a little smile. "Would you like for me to let go?"

"No", I answered too quickly, averting my eyes. "It's fine. If you want to..."

"Good, because holding your hand feels extremely natural and comfortable for me too," he responded, still smiling.
I kept my eyes focused on the people around us, trying hard not to think anything about him that I wouldn't want him to hear. Obviously I was failing miserably; because I saw his body shake with laughter in front of me. Just then, the street melted away before my eyes to reveal a completely different scene.

I was in some sort of room with people gathered in small groups all along the sides. The first thing I noticed was that everyone was dressed in black. I then realized that I knew everyone in the room, and they were all wearing different expressions of grief. I spotted my mom then, with her short cropped, dark brown hair and my dad with his arm around her shoulders. His head was bent near her ear, displaying the bald spot that had grown progressively pronounced over the years. I could only guess he was whispering words of comfort to her as her body shook and trembled. Finally he looked up at me, and I froze. Oh, no. He wasn't supposed to see me. I looked around me for a place to hide. Then from behind me, I heard my dad's sister talking to her husband. I turned around and saw her looking at me too. I didn't know what to do. How is it that I had been a vampire for less than a day, and already broken the rules? Twice! Typical Charlie.

Then my dad put his head back down to whisper in my mom's ear again. For the first time, I noticed a grouping of flowers in the front of the room. I walked closer and noticed a dark mahogany casket lying there with a picture frame on top. Again I froze, as I realized that the picture was of me from last year.

I'd been home for the summer break and my parents had decided to go on vacation on the Jersey shore. I was an only child, and had always thought of my cousins as my siblings. They used to be in that picture as well, but were cropped out to reveal only me. I turned my attention away from the casket to face the entire room. Then it hit me. This was my funeral.

Just then the funeral scene melted back into the busy streets of Manhattan. I felt Nicholas tugging on my arm for I had stopped dead in my tracks in the middle of the sidewalk. I pulled him aside to allow people to pass us. He looked at me with deep concern in his light gray eyes.

I felt the tears building up in my eyes and went to wipe at them. I looked down at my hand and saw red smudges there. Nicholas grabbed my other hand as well now and pulled me closer to him.

"Charlie! What’s wrong why are you crying?"

"I don't know what happened. One minute I was walking with you and the next I was at my funeral and all my friends and family were there crying and...And..." I couldn't finish.

Reaching his hand up, he softly wiped the tears from my face. Then he pulled me against his chest and held me there for a few minutes while I took deep breaths in and out in an attempt to calm myself.

"Shh Charlie shh. It’s okay. Shh," he tried comforting me.

I pulled away "How can you say that? I’m going to make my family miserable. I don't want to hurt them Nicholas" I pleaded.

"Charlie, its better this way, trust me. Would you rather them have closure or for them to live the rest of their lives thinking you didn't want to have anything to do with them anymore?"

I thought about it for a minute. Of course he had a point; it seemed he always had a point "I guess you're, right. I just can’t stand the thought of hurting them that much" I cried.

"Charlie listen, this IS for the best. Trust me. I want to help you, and I will, but you have to trust me. Can you do that?"

"Yes. Of course I can. I already do," I answered him.

"I know you do" he replied with a small smile, "At least now we know everyone will believe that you really did die and that will help them. That will give them closure. It’s the best you can do for them at this point.”

"Yeah, you're right I guess," I answered lamely as we started walking again. Nicholas had let go of one of my hands but still had the other one, holding it tighter than he had before. It gave me comfort knowing that I wasn't in this alone.

"Hey, I have a question for you. Have you always had visions?"

"What do you mean 'visions'?"

"Well what you just described to me was a vision. I wanted to know if you had them when you were human."

"No, never. Is that weird?" I asked worried now.

"No, not weird. Just...different. Normally it takes a new vampire a few years to come into their powers. The fact that you have been a vampire for less than a day and are already discovering yours is extraordinary," he said quietly.

"Oh" I said "Hey, I thought you could read my mind," I said suspiciously.

"I can. I can read everyone’s mind, why?"

"Well if you can read my mind then why couldn't you see my vision when I was seeing it?"

"Hmm...I don't know. Maybe there really is a limitation to my power," he said. It sounded like he was a little upset by this news but I let it go.

Nicholas continued walking me down the street. Suddenly he made a sharp right turn and I found that we were walking down a flight of stairs to a subway.

"Can I ask where we're going?" I said a little annoyed.

"I’m taking you shopping. Girls love shopping right?" he smirked at me and I felt my breath catch in my throat.

Damn him.

**i'm really glad you liked reading my story. I am a little discrouraged by this site because i dont get comments ever. I hope you like this chapter as much as you have liked the rest of what i have written. Please post again and let me know what you think about it!!

One_Who_Writes_Fantasy · 01-20-2008, 02:50 PM

Have you read the book "Twilight"?

HeatherLee · 01-21-2008, 01:44 PM

why do you see similarities?

HeatherLee · 02-01-2008, 01:26 AM

Chapter 3:

“Anticipating, and planning for the day I sweep you
off your feet, I'd never leave you alone.”

(Brand New)

Nicholas was still chuckling while he bought the tickets from the automated teller in front of us. He let go of my hand so he could grab his wallet from his back pocket, quickly taking my hand again once the tickets had popped out of the machine.

We glided through the turn-styles gracefully, swiping our tickets as we went. It was incredible how differently I moved now. I didn’t notice it much but when doing things I used to struggle with, like walking through turnstiles, it was much more obvious. Our train hadn't arrived yet so we walked down the length of the platform, choosing to stand the farthest away we could get from the humans. Humans? Since when did I--

"I know how hard this must be for you. I wish I could change the way things have turned out." He made a face at the end like something he said didn't sit well with him.

"What?" I asked.

"Hmm...You’re very perceptive, especially for such a young vampire," his voice dropping on the last two words, "I made the face because I haven't had a day like this in the longest time," he explained.

"Like what?" I asked.

"Well, exciting. Don’t misunderstand me. I really do wish that this hadn't happened to you, but I am glad that I was the one to find you and that you are allowing me to help you now." He finished with one of those breathtaking smiles of his.

"Why?" was all I could muster out of the little breath I had left in my body.

"Well, there are a few reasons. The most important, and the one I am the most sure of, is that I feel for you. The monster that did this to you is just that, a monster. I haven't heard of someone being brought into this life like you were in decades. It’s despicable and inexcusable and...," He stopped for a minute, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath before continuing, "The other reason is not as easy to explain. From the moment I heard your mind as you ran down the street, I knew that I wanted to know you, in every sense of the word," he paused at this and I was sure I hadn't taken a breath in over a minute. "Charlie I don't know much about you but I plan on learning as much as I can, for as long as you will let me," he finished looking down at me with his soft grey eyes that I was sure could pierce through my unnatural pale skin if he looked for too long.

I suddenly realized that I hadn't taken a breath in at least three minutes. Why wasn't I feeling light headed, and why isn’t my heart racing with the lack of oxygen?

"That’s because your heart doesn't work anymore and you don't need to breathe," he explained as our train pulled up in front of us.
"WHAT?!" I practically screamed. Luckily the arriving train drowned out most of my high pitched exclamation and no one seemed to have noticed. "I don't need to...I can’t...how the...what kind of...," I couldn't finish any of those sentences, I couldn’t even talk anymore. I just looked down at my feet as we boarded the train. A few more passengers were in our car as well and were going about their own business. Some were reading newspapers, one was taking a nap, a few of the younger ones were listening to music through their headphones...and then the doors closed.

Suddenly my head was filled with the scent of them. Every single one of these poor unsuspecting people were my victims now. I scanned the room looking for who I would take first. Wait, my brain told me, what are you doing? You’re not a killer, and these people have parents, kids, brothers, sisters, grandkids...you can’t just take that away from them to satiate the monster that is now inside of you. Monster, I realized. That’s really what I am.

I felt Nicholas stand up and start pulling me to the front of the car. I tried to ask him what we were doing but he just shook his head and continued on his mission. We walked between cars and found that the next one was empty. Then we chose seats the furthest away from the door we had come through and sat down.

He finally turned to look at me with regret burning deep in his eyes "Charlie I’m so sorry I did that to you. I haven't been around a new vampire in so long that I didn't even stop to think..." he paused bringing his smooth white hand up to run it through the dark curly hair on top of his head. The contrast between his hand and hair made the paleness of his skin that much more noticeable.

"I should have known that you wouldn't be able to be in a small subway car with all those humans without wanting to feed. Especially since you haven't fed since your changing. The worst part is, I heard what you were thinking, and I know I’m responsible for making you feel that way about yourself. What I need you to know Charlie is that, yes, we are vampires, we won’t ever die and we need blood to live. But what I haven't explained yet is that we don't ever need to kill the humans we feed off of. It’s possible to just take a little blood and hold back before any permanent damage is done to them. I don't want you to feel like a monster Charlie, because you aren't." He finished his speech and looked down at his hands which were folded between his knees. There was so much information that had just been thrown at me; I didn't know what to start processing first. Although there was a lot of information I should be processing, I knew there was only one piece I wanted to...

"I’m sorry," he said for what felt like the twentieth time since I’d met him. "There is so much you need to learn and come to grips with. It was incredibly selfish of me to just throw my feelings out there for you to have to try to understand as well. Just forget I said anything and let’s just concentrate on you for a while until we have everything straightened out."

I couldn't say anything. I didn't know what to say. I just stared at him, trying to comprehend what he was saying to me. He tells me he likes me, but then says I should forget he said it? Does that mean he regrets saying it in the first place? That he didn't mean it? I felt my heart drop a few notches in my chest and looked down at the little bit of dark blue seat in between us.

Suddenly I felt his hand run gently down the side of my face. Before I had time to react, Nicholas lifted my chin with his fingers forcing me to look in his eyes. Not only had he brought my face up to his, but also closer.

"Charlie, what I told you about my feelings was true, and I meant every word I said. I don't want you to ever forget them, I just didn't think it was right of me to confuse you with anything else today when you still have so much to learn," he explained softly.

I was so close to him that I could feel his sweet breath on my face. I couldn't tear my eyes away from the soft gray of his. Suddenly the look in his eyes changed from sad and caring to determined and a little daring. He started to lean closer to me and again I felt my breathing stop, hearing his stop as well. I started to close my eyes, anticipating his lips on mine, when the doors to our car opened to reveal another subway stop full of new passengers waiting to get on.

Nicholas, still holding my face leaned back a little with a confused look etched on his face. Then he turned his head to see the new passengers boarding the train. He looked back at me with a look of sadness. Maybe it’s for the lost chance. Then I saw a look of determination. Did that look mean "later"?

He laughed out loud, dropping his hand from my face, as he rose from his seat, and offered the hand back to help me up. We exited the train and Nicholas turned to me, "Are you sure that you can’t read minds too?" he asked, still laughing. I looked down at the littered platform, trying to make my breathing even again. "Come on Charlie, we have a lot to do, we can always finish this later." I looked up at him to see that smirk on his face again.

Right then and there I decided to stop making this so easy for him. "Yeah we'll see," was my answer and I saw the first look of uncertainty flit across his features before I turned away to walk up the stairs to the street above. I gave myself a mental pat on the back and quickly cleared my mind, so he wouldn't be able to see how his words ‘later’ had really affected me.

Nicholas caught up to me then, putting his hand on the small of my back, leading me across the street to a line of popular clothing stores. "Now," he began, "Where do you like to shop?" He saw the question in my eyes and answered before I had a chance to ask, "We need to buy you new clothes because you can’t go back to your dorm and get your old ones. And most importantly because the ones you have on right now are going to have to go.”

I looked up at him, indignation apparent on my face.

"Not like that you perv," he smirked a little and continued, lowering his voice, "We need the clothes you're wearing now so we can fake your death. Obviously they will never find a body," he explained motioning towards me with his hand, while his eyes did a once over of their own, "So we need to leave the clothes that you were last seen in with your blood. Then they will assume you're dead and stop looking for you." He finished and the sadness in his eyes at my current situation was clear. He looked me up and down for the third time today, seemingly to try to decide something.

"What?" I asked finally.

"I’m trying to decide what store to take you to first," he answered simply.

HeatherLee · 02-01-2008, 01:27 AM

**sorry for the double post but it was too long to put into one**

I looked down the long row of stores we were not in front of and walked into the first one I recognized. He followed me as I quickly maneuvered my way around the racks of clothes, making my first stop at the wall lined with jeans. I found a style I liked and proceeded to find my size. I had never been what you would call ‘skinny’. I would describe it as average or maybe even a little chubby at times. My weight fluctuated a lot but thankfully, I was into my smallest jeans size ever when I was changed.

I shuffled through the piles of jeans looking for my size. Why the hell did they think that the size zeros and ones should be on top?! That had always irritated me beyond belief. I guess it makes sense to someone out there, to make the lives of all the skinny girls in the word easier and everyone else's harder. Like they need any more lucky breaks! They already had the figure that magazines and television tells us is ideal! Why did they--

"I’m sorry to interrupt your little rant Charlie but I simply must disagree with you. I don't think that an ideal size for a girl to be is a zero or a one. I like girls who look normal...and fed. The way this society has portrayed women is degrading to real people. The women of my day..."he began but cut himself off.

"And what day might that have been?" I asked innocently hoping to get some information about him for a change.

"Later." he said. Then when he saw I wasn't going to drop the conversation that easily he added, "And I like the way you look. I think you're perfect."

That did it. I shut right up and continued looking for my size. When I had found a few of pairs of jeans I liked that were the right size, I set off towards the dressing room to try them on. I found an empty one and walked in locking the door with Nicholas waiting outside.

I slid off the jeans I was wearing and kicked them into a pile in the corner of the tiny room. I stood there looking at myself in the mirror, for the reflection I saw there shocked me for the second time today. My body still looked the same, in most aspects, but somehow different. My legs and stomach were smoother somehow. It was as if every flaw I ever had had been erased with my changing. I snapped out of my train of thought and picked up the first pair of jeans in the pile. I slipped them on and looking in the mirror again. They felt comfortable and they fit perfectly. I would get these. Before taking those off I turned my body slightly to check out my butt in them. Typical girl stuff.

I suddenly heard Nicholas' voice from the other side of the door. "Aren't you going to let me see them?" he asked innocently.

Isn’t he supposed to be a mind reader? Shouldn’t he be able to see them in my mind as easily as I do in the mirror?

I heard his laugh from the other side of the door as he answered, "Okay you caught me. I can see them," he continued laughing.

Then it hit me. If he could see what I saw in the mirror when I looked at myself in the new jeans, then that meant he could see what I saw when I didn't have jeans on...

Again I heard his laugh from outside my door, only this time it was louder. Completely embarrassed by my lack of foresight I quickly turned from the mirror to take off my jeans and try on the next few pairs. When I was done, I had decided to get every pair I tried on. I stepped out of the dressing room, shooting him a venomous look. He just looked back innocently with an angelic smile plastered on his gorgeous face.

I turned away from him and began looking for some tops. He followed me as I picked out a few T-shirts and some hooded sweatshirts. When I was done I got in line to pay. Oh crap, I thought, I don't have any money with me. Great, what an idiot, I go shopping and take all this time picking out clothes, and wasting time, when I can’t even--

"Don’t worry about it Charlie, I'll get them for you," he answered my thoughts.

"No I don't want you to have to do that for me. I'll just put them back." I answered as a moved to get off the line. He put his arm out to stop me and turned me back around to face forward on the line.

"Really Charlie, when you have lived as long as I have, money just starts to accumulate. I don't have any problem with buying you new clothes. In fact, it would be my pleasure." I looked back to see that smile of his that made it hard for me to breathe. I smiled back and turned around to face front before I lost all my dignity.

We made it to the front of the line and he paid for my clothes, just like he said he would. When the cashier handed the bag over, Nicholas snatched it before I could. He smiled at me and simply said, "a gentleman always carries a lady's bag.” I just rolled my eyes and made for the exit door.

Once outside, I turned to see him looking down the long row of stores again. "What are you looking for now?" I asked.

"We need to find you some more clothes," he answered.

"Why? I just bought a bunch. I don't need anything else really."

"Yes you do. Come on," he said as he reached for my hand and dragged me into another store.

I stepped in the store and immediately tried to turn back around to leave. Nicholas, who hadn't let go of my hand yet, just pulled me back to him.

"Nicholas, I know you've only known me for an hour or so, but do I really look the type to shop at a place like this?" I asked him, looking around at the fancy clothes surrounding me. I hadn't seen one price tag yet, but I just knew this place had to be expensive.

"I know this isn't how you normally dress, but you are going to need at least a few outfits like this for when we hunt," he explained. He saw the mixed look of confusion and horror on my face and decided to explain himself better. "Charlie, when we hunt, it’s always easier to find victims when we look aesthetically pleasing. Or as your generation would put it, 'hot'." he said, again chuckling at the joke he had just made.

I didn't know how to respond to that, so I just stood there saying nothing, running his explanation through my head. He realized this and decided to take matters into his own hands. He spun me towards a section that I would describe as "clubbing" clothes and started grabbing items off racks. When he had an armful, he led me towards the dressing rooms and handed me the pile.

I walked into the small room silently and began to try things on. I remembered my mistake from earlier and turned my face from the mirror as I undressed. When I had tried on the first outfit I turned towards the mirror. I was wearing a black halter top with sequins sewed on the front in spiral designs. I also had on a tight black mini skirt that was much shorter than anything I would have picked out for myself. I was trying to decide whether I liked it or not when I heard Nicholas from the other side of my door, "I think you look great. Keep it and try on the next outfit."

We continued like that through all the outfits. I would try something on, then turn toward the mirror and hear his response. He liked almost everything I put on. When I was done with everything, I put my old clothes back on, picked up the pile of clothes and exited the dressing room.

He was standing there with his arms wide open. I didn't know what this meant. Did he want to give me a hug? For what? Not that I would mind all that much...

"I was going to carry the clothes for you," he said, not bothering to hide the satisfied smile on his face.

I grimaced and handed them over to him. Then he led me to the shoe section and again picked out a few pairs for me. He sat me down and got on one knee to assist me with trying them on. I’d never been one for blushing when I was human, and I suppose now that I’m dead, I couldn't anyway, but it definitely felt like I would if I could.

He took off my sneakers and my socks and tried on the first pair of shoes. Once they were on and strapped, he helped me up from my sitting position. They were heels, so the difference in our height was much smaller now. I looked up at him, though not as far up as I would normally have had to. I stared into his eyes, seeing a look there that I couldn't quite place.

"Its amazement," he answered my unspoken question.

"For what?" I asked him simply.

"For you. You are completely amazing. I can’t believe how well you are handling everything you have learned today. It’s...amazing," he finished.

"Well the major reason why I have been able to handle this all so well is because I've had you with me all day," I returned, proud of myself for making him be the one to avert his eyes in embarrassment for once. I smiled to myself and sat back down to try the next pair of shoes on.

After we found four pairs of shoes that Nicholas was satisfied with, we made our way to the register to pay for everything. As the cashier rang up each purchase my eyes grew wider and wider with disbelief. The total bill came to over $600. I can’t believe the amount of money this guy who was practically a stranger had just spent on me.

Nicholas didn't need the power of reading my thoughts. He took one look at my face and chuckled. "Really, don't worry about it Charlie. That was nothing, we'll go on a real shopping trip soon," he promised.

I didn't know what to say so I decided to not speak. He paid the cashier with his credit card. After signing the receipt, he grabbed the bags and led me to the exit.

Truth-Teller · 02-01-2008, 04:04 AM

Good, smooth, fluid prose.

I just have trouble reading your dialogue. It's as if it was written by an automaton.

I think it's better to just do away with the preface, and go straight into chapter one (the action) without muddling the story with useless exposition.

Truth-Teller · 02-01-2008, 04:08 AM

Or even chapter three.

Start from chapter three. That's where it caught my attention the most.

On a side note, learn to write better dialogue; it comes out constipated, strained, verbose, grandiloquent.

Useless.

Cefor · 02-01-2008, 10:55 AM

I don't agree with Truth about the preface and chapters, I liked it from the start.

Though the dialogue isn't the best thing about this story, it definately isn't that bad Truth....

I'd say that you are just making them say what you want them to say, just so that you can further the story. Try and write the dialogue as if you are actually that character... bring in their characteristics; are they humourous or irritating, or maybe even sadistic. You have to make the way the character thinks come alive when they speak. That way they are more believable as characters.

Now don't get me wrong, I still make a mess out of dialogue too so I'm speaking from experience here. I find that what I just said is what helps me the most...

So I liked it, read it all in one go. Which, may I say, is a very hard thing to do on this forum.... sometimes something just makes me close the browser... but this obviously didn't.

Oh and the only spelling mistakes I found were ones where you used z instead of s... but that's 'cos you're American, and I'm British

Keep up the excellent work, post more and learn to BE your characters whilst speaking.
Cefor