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I absolutely loved it.
In the prolouge, the hair "gently brushed" the man's shoulder. It seems to detract from the characterization.
In chapter 2, " 'Good, because holding your hand feels extremely natural and comfortable for me too,' he responded, still smiling.", seems a bit awkward, but it might just be characterization.
Also, on a more broad scale, the relationship between Charlie and Nicholas seems forced and too devloped for such an early stage.
The prolouge seems to have a different feel from the rest of the story. You might want to see how th e story changes if you drop it. Adds a bit more mystery.
And I have to say, in chapter four, when he put the blood in the microwave, LMAO. It seemed so comical somehow. Even if it wasnt' intentional it was awesome.
In chapter 5, the speech on the bond seems really forced. And it seems like Charlie has a bit of severe mod-swinging in there, even under circumstances.
Nicholas seems too good, like he's hiding something...
And there are a few cleches about. If you could reverse some of the ones that you write as you go, it could be really interesting.
I like the whole thing, please keep writing.
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Writing is the dance of the fingers across keys.
Writing is the fluid motion of pen on paper.
Writing is the soul dancing before another's eyes.
Writing is something that must be loved to be done well.
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