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Old 03-03-2008, 01:13 PM   #31
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yeah it's good, but i'd also say unspectacular.

there's a vampire novel on this forum written by Akroma called 'Raven'
and it is PHENOMENAL. Screw other published authors out there... take notes from akromas story!

heh sounds like im adverising, but you have her style and themes, so gogogogo check it out
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Old 03-03-2008, 09:21 PM   #32
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one_who_writes_fantasy: i'm really glad that you are still enjoying the story. i should be updating more often now, so keep a look out.

hippohead: keep reading, i think that it gets better, after all there are about 35 chapters to this story and you have only read the first 4.
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Old 03-04-2008, 10:02 PM   #33
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Wow, you have a nice story line/plotish thing going on. I like the way its set up and all. It almost seems like a near copy, not saying you did it on purpose, of Twilight... but still you've got ALOT of differences from it. Keep up the good work and I'll be keeping an eye out for updates It's got me hooked... lol
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Old 03-04-2008, 11:06 PM   #34
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yeah i mean, ive read twilight and i really liked it. its kind of hard to not WANT to produce something as good. i did take a few general ideas about vampires in general as a species (i suppose) but the plot and everything after that is all me. i made up the plot and the characters myself. im glad you have enjoyed the story so far, i really am and hopefully as the story progresses you will see less similarities between my story and twilight. keep reading!
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Old 03-05-2008, 03:39 PM   #35
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I really like your story please read and comment Metropolis (science fiction, fantasy) anything would be appreciated.
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Old 03-13-2008, 02:11 PM   #36
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"Changed"
Chapter 5:
“A style that Clark Gable would have admired.”
(The Postal Service)
I filled my mouth with the warm liquid and let it run down my throat. The taste was like nothing I had ever experienced before. It was like having all my favorite foods as a human in my mouth at once--only better. I kept drinking and the next thing I knew, the blood stopped flowing into my mouth. I took the cup away from my mouth and stared at it, confusion lining my face.


Nicholas chuckled from where he stood across from me. Funny--I forgot he was still in the room.



"I know you are probably still hungry but that’s all I have here at the moment. I only keep it around for extreme cases--it’s much better when it’s straight from the source."


"Better than that?" I didn't think it was possible.


"Yes, better. We will go hunting later on tonight. Its almost dark now, we should go take care of the scene and get it over with."


I looked toward the large window, noticing the setting sun for the first time. The sight of the purple, orange, and red shades surrounding the buildings from this view was stunning.


"I think that might be my favorite part about living here," he said from right beside me. I hadn't noticed he had moved from the other side of the island to stand next to me.


As we stood there, his arm gently brushed mine. It felt...nice to be standing so close to him. To be here, watching the sun set behind this view of the New York City skyline. Just then he took my hand and held it. I looked down at our abnormally pale hands laced together. I really liked holding his hand, it felt so natural. I felt his eyes on me and I looked up at him.


"I like it too," he said simply. With some effort, I pulled my eyes away from his to watch the sun finish its progression from this side of the world.


All of the beautiful colors that had run across the sky a few minutes ago were now replaced with the dark blue sky, almost completely devoid of stars. I sighed and turned to look at Nicholas again. Unsurprisingly, he was already looking at me. I didn't know if he had heard the intentions in my mind to look at him or if he had been staring for a while.


"I think I watched more of you than of that sunset that so captured your attention," he answered my unspoken question.


Instead of looking away like I always did I held his stare. Finally he sighed and dropped my hand. "We should go now," he stated and led me back the way we had come.


Once we were on the street, I gave him the address of the party I had been to last night. Wow, less than twenty-four hours since then, and my life wasn't even recognizable anymore.


We got back on the subway for what felt like the hundredth time today. I had never taken the subway this many times in a week since I’ve lived here.


"I would have gladly hailed a cab, but I didn't think you would be able to keep your thirst under control having not fed properly yet," he explained.


I just nodded. He was probably right, and he did know more about this life than I did. The subway took us about a half block from where we needed to be. Thankfully I wouldn't need to pass the building the party had been in to get to the alley I was looking for.


I turned into the small passage between the two brick buildings, with Nicholas trailing not far behind me. I looked around me, remembering the attacker and how this alley had been the only witness to the crime committed against me. I shivered with the memory. Nicholas put his arm around my shoulders to comfort me.



Just then I noticed a small mound slumped against the wall to the left of me. I walked over to find the purse I had been carrying last night. How could I have forgotten that I had a purse with me? Probably because my brain was overloaded with everything I had learned today, I reasoned.


I bent over to pick it up. "That would probably be good to leave behind for the police to find," Nicholas explained to me. I reached in and grabbed my wallet.



"If my wallet is missing, they will probably think it was a mugging gone wrong," I told him. If I could do anything to give my family any more comfort right now, I would, I added to myself.



Nicholas replaced my bag where I had found it before, and added my zip-up not far from it. Then he reached into the light jacket he was wearing and pulled out the container that I had filled with my own blood earlier. He poured all the blood onto the street near the sweatshirt, capped the container and replaced it in his inside pocket. I watched as the blood began to spread outwards finally reaching the article of my clothing I was leaving behind. Then a thought came to me.


"Won’t your fingerprints be on my jacket now? What will they make of that?"


"Well first of all, I wouldn't be in any database they have, so they wouldn't be able to track me. Second of all, I don't have fingerprints. When we are changed it smooths our skin and perfects it, like you noticed in the dressing room earlier," he smirked as he reminded me of my memory lapse this afternoon.



I quickly turned around and began to storm off, and away from the alleyway. Nicholas quickly caught up to me, grabbing my wrist and spinning me around to face him.


"What’s the matter; did it upset you to have to be there again?" The sympathy in his eyes almost broke through my anger. Almost.


"Noooo, I’m mad because you shouldn't have been spying on me while I was in the dressing room to begin with. I didn't get mad at the time because I was too embarrassed. Now that you so graciously reminded me of it I can remedy that," I hissed.


His face immediately became incredulous. "You think I was spying on you? I wasn't spying, I can’t help seeing what I see or hearing what I hear. Especially when I am attuned to a person, their thoughts are so clear to me. Sometimes I can’t tell which are my own," he replied with indignation.



"How can you be so attuned to me after having known me for less than a day?"


He stopped short at my last question and stared me hard in the eyes. "I don’t know why I have formed such a strong bond with you so quickly. I wish I did know. I wish I could still use the excuse that I want to help you, but that would be a lie. I have gone above and beyond anything I would have done for anyone else in your situation. And after I have shown you how to properly feed, I will have shown you everything you need to know and I could just let you go your own way but I--"


"You know what? I don't think I will be needing your help anymore. I’m pretty sure I can figure things out on my own from now on. Sorry I have been such a burden," I practically screamed and began to walk away from him again.


"Wait Charlie! You didn't let me finish," he yelled after me. Suddenly he was in front of me with his hands on my shoulders, restraining me from walking any further.



"What?"



"You didn't let me finish," he repeated. "I said I could let you go your own way but I don't want to. I don't want you to leave. I don't know why but it feels right to have you near me. Do you remember when I told you that I watched you more than I watched the sunset earlier?"


I simply nodded my head, he smiled and continued, "I was looking at you and thinking how surreal it was to have you in my apartment. How you seemed to fit in perfectly with the scenery, like you were always meant to be there."


I just stared at him, as my anger rapidly faded away. Just then I decided to be daring. This was not my usual behavior, but it just felt right. I took one half step closer to him until there were only a few inches separating us. I tilted my head back and asked, "Is it later yet?"


His eyes were at first confused, until he understood my meaning and smiled a small smile before wrapping his arms around me. He bent his head down and I felt his lips press softly against mine. This kiss was unlike any others I had ever had. It felt like every other kiss in my life had just been the opening act for what I was experiencing now. I sighed and parted my lips, his following my lead. His mouth moved with mine as he pulled my body closer to his.



Finally, after I don't know how long, he pulled his head back but kept our bodies in the same position. He smiled that smile that would stop my heart, if it could still beat. Then he released me and took a small step backwards, picking up my hand.



"Huh," was all he said.


"'Huh'? What the hell does 'huh' mean?"


"I didn't take you for the type to make the first move. I figured I would have to work up to it myself. You saved me a lot of time and self-doubt. Thanks." he grinned.


I didn't know what to think, so all I said was "You're welcome."
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Old 03-13-2008, 03:33 PM   #37
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Interesting. I found this part a little slow paced but still enjoyable.
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Old 03-14-2008, 07:38 PM   #38
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I've read all the chapters that you have put up and must say that the story is incredible. It caught my attention from the beginning and at the end of chapter five I'm anxious and wanting more. Both characters I like and can picture them as real, personality wise, but I must say that I'm a little suspicious of Nicholas, although that may be just me.... Very good work.
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Old 03-14-2008, 08:54 PM   #39
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thank you so much. i'm really glad you are enjoying this story and i'll be posting the next chapter probably tomorrow sometime.
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Old 03-14-2008, 09:52 PM   #40
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I'm also really enjoying the story. I like how it moves along at a fair pace.

However, it also reminded me during several points of Twilight (which has already been brought up I believe). A specific example - you describe Nicholas's black leather couch in his appointment - my mind immediately jumped to Edward's couch in his room.

But I love the Twilight series (and I'm totally unashamed to admit it as a guy ), so maybe that's why.

But keep writing, I'm really enjoying it. I'll go through the next chapter more thoroughly and try to give a more constructive critique when you post it.

Cheers,
~Christian
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Old 03-15-2008, 12:19 AM   #41
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This is quite well written, at least with the dialogue. But the "soul-bond" thing always drives me nuts. I only read the last chapter, and I can't know if you named the bond explicitly, but it's still a bit trite and cliche to use it.


Edit: Just read chapter four. That "love at first sight thing"... I get suspicious when an MC is labeled as too "special" from the get-go. There has to be something different, but this is a bit too much for me.

I think one way you could improve this is to watch the dialogue tags. ",' he replied matter-of-factly" could be dropped in it's entirety, becuase the clipped response bfore it already gives that impression. "My last name." Does that not sound "matter-of-fact"?

Contractions would also help the dialogue flow better. By the description, I can assume this is near enough to modern times for contraction to have come into common use. Not using it can and here has stilted the dialogue a bit.


Edit* I wish people wouldn't post so much... this is a critique site, not a sharing site. Oh well.

I couldn't read the whole thing, it ws much too long. What I can do is tell you more of what I had trouble with. The "not knowing what happened" part is a giant angst machine, and it's usually better to stay away from that, especially if you're new to writing.

There's really not much here that hasn't been done with vampires before, and I have to admit, I find Twilight a very dull and trite series. I hope you are using it for inspiration as little as possible.

I think you could focus your prose towards your characters perspective kore, especially in the first three chapters where there's a lot of narration by the character that doesn't flow well into the action. That's a danger when writing first-person POV. The character seems to notice things that I can't really see her noticing in a given situation. I think you could improve this by cutting out some of the parts where Charlie says things about the situation, before describing the situation itself. There's one paragraph that's a good example of this, where Charlie says she knew she was "dead" before she even woke up fully, and then proceeds to act as if she thinks she's just drunk from a party or something. There's a few discontinuities like this, but I think you'd be perfectly able to prune them out.

Overall, I'd have to say I need to see mre before deciding if this gets out of the more common vamire stereotypes and cliches and comes into its own. The fact that you have me writing this much is a good sign, though.
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Old 04-17-2008, 08:18 PM   #42
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thank you for your review. i appreciate it a lot and will be adding a new chapter soon.
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Old 04-18-2008, 01:51 AM   #43
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I know... I know... I KNOW I shouldn't even be commenting. I HATE vampire stories for the simple fact that they all sound alike and are based upon cliche and regurgitated garbage that just keeps circulating. That being said, your writing is good, your dialogue needs work, and if you ever want to rise above the sludge of the typical "vampire" genre, come up with something VERY original. Give a different take on the vampire thing. A only read the preface and then glanced at the rest.

Ugh, not that this is you, but I just can't stomach anymore "Interview with a Vampire" wannabes or Blade revisions. But seriously, I wish you luck luck luck on making your story better than all previous and proving my jaded loathing absolutely incorrect. Besides, several people round here seem to like it, so what do I know?

This post has been a waste of space huh? No conclusive support nor deterrance, just drivel about how I don't like vampire cliches. Huh. What an interesting realization.

Cheers,
Linz
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Old 04-21-2008, 11:19 AM   #44
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The whole, "Let's fake your death so your family can have some peace someday.", bit reeks of the Cirque Du Freak series. Otherwise, it seemed well written.
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Old 04-21-2008, 02:55 PM   #45
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I've never heard of nor have I read the "Cirque Du Freak" series so I suppose I dont have to worry about copying them at all. Thanks for the reviews.
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