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Old 02-01-2008, 01:46 PM   #16
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um, okay, wow. thank you both for your opinions, i appreciate getting different insight into my writing.
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Old 02-02-2008, 01:03 PM   #17
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I really like it, keep writing, it's a good story.

The reason I mentioned Twilight before becasue there's a beautiful vampire in it named Edward who can read minds. Also, the vampires also don't have to breathe, ect, ect. It was just little things. It's not that you would plagiarize it, but I was just saying...
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Old 02-02-2008, 09:20 PM   #18
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I appreciate you sharing your story. I've enjoyed reading what you've posted so far. I went into it actually looking for some "reading" entertainment, and was surprised to find that it was a promising start. I especially liked the Chinese restaurant description/scene.

My tastes in horror fiction tend to delve towards a bit darker/harsher realm, and you seem to have a knack for presenting a lighter, almost "starter" brand (which I'm quite sure is not a bad thing, nor is it meant to be a knock by any means at all). Your story reads to me as if it has a leaning towards a women's or teen audience. Is that your intention? Again, fine with me and not a problem whatsoever. Perhaps this may be something you may not have realized from your perspective.

I'd agree with past posts in that I also found the Preface weaker than the bulk of the story so far. I'm sure that plot suggestions and modifications are plentiful around here, or, you might drop it like a couple of them have suggested and start from Chapter 1.

As far as dialogue goes, these folks are super-writers in comparison with myself I'd gather, so listen and learn. My own basic (very basic) tactic is to simply read/say the written dialogue out loud and see if you're believing what you're hearing. If it sounds "written"...revise it.

You have immense courage simply for sharing. Good luck.

Last edited by shipwrecker : 02-03-2008 at 11:02 AM. Reason: ME-stakes...huh?
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Old 02-03-2008, 05:24 AM   #19
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Hi Heatherlee

First the sugar - this is very well written, good descriptions and already we know a lot about your character thanks to your skillful handling. You've taken the time to check your work for errors before presenting it to us - that's good practice and I hope you carry on doing that.

Now for the anti-sugar. You start with an apology - don't tell us it's your first work, it makes people expect poor quality writing, it's a credit to your ability that you pleasantly surprise us.
The final paragraph worried me. It's a brilliant piece of descriptive writing but consider this. Your character is injured, on her back, her attacker is standing above her. Surely the entire focus of her attention is on him and what he might be about to do to her. Rob, murder, rape whatever, she's scared half out of her wits, in pain but has time to notice crumbling bricks in the alley walls? Sorry, it doesn't quite ring true.
Keep writing, keep posting and keep practicing.
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Old 02-03-2008, 06:00 AM   #20
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Oopps

Btw I'm refering to the first part of your story, I'm new here and that's my excuse. Sorry for not making that clear
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Old 02-04-2008, 08:55 PM   #21
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Hey thanks to everyone for their comments. heres what i have to say:

One Who Writes Fantasy: yes i have read the twilight series and i absolutly love them. i understand the similarities and i definitely am not trying to copy her in any way. most of the things that are similar are just logical (ex: not breathing (theyre dead), beautiful boy (who doesnt want one??)). if there are many more similarities please let me know and i can either explain them or change them because i definitely dont want to be copying stephenie meyer! thanks for your opinion!

Shipwrecker: Thank you for your opinion and for actually reading my story even though it doesnt seem to be your style. dont worry i am definitely not upset that this might not be your style. i started this book, just writing what i wanted to. it definitely turned out to be geared towared girls and teenagers at that. believe me i wasnt aiming for young adult but thats how it turned out. its more or less that i didnt want to curse, im not good at writing action scenes, and i didnt want a graphic sex scene. this is what i came out with and i guess the genre is what it is. thank you for your comments and i hope you keep reading, but if its not your style i dont blame you!

Paulogg: i'm glad that you like how i describe things in my story and im EXTREMELY glad that you feel like you can relate to my characters already. i have been criticized (and with good reason) for not explaining Charlies character that well but thats because i based her on me and some things that i jusst know about myself, people dont always understand (obviously). i definitely know what you mean about starting out with an apology and i am going to take that part out. thanks for bringing it to my attention. also Paul, the reason why i have Charlie explaining her surroundings is because i had another comment somewhere and the person said, "if these are her last few minutes, dont you think she would be trying to remember every detail that she could" so i took that advice and went back to add in all her senses but the ones that wouldnt make sense. i would definitely like to hear your opinion on that. i have gotten a lot of different reviews on the prologue and i think its because most people havent been in that kind of a situation and everyone has different ideas on how a person should act and what they should be thinking. im not really sure what the right answer is so im trying to get some kind of majority opinion and going from there. again, thank you for your review and your opinions. i hope you have time to eventually read the rest and keep reading!

again, thank you all for reading and reviewing and im going to put another chapter up soon.
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Old 02-04-2008, 10:37 PM   #22
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:)

I love how descriptive your writing is. However, I think you could do so much more by "showing, not telling" which you tend to do (as far as I know). And remember that modern day vampire fiction demands something utterly original. Sounds good so far, though. Not many start out with a brand new vampire. They'd rather describe the journey from the get-go (like Anne Rice's Interview With the Vampire) or the mortal life leading up to vampirism. You know what you could do, if you do what to describe both? In medias rest -- starting in the middle (transformation into vampire) and jumping to the beginning (events leading up) and then continuing after the middle (after the transformation). Good luck!
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Old 02-07-2008, 03:42 PM   #23
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I thought you might. After all, what sane female hasn't read the Twilight series? : ) I am so excited... Breaking Dawn comes out August second!

But, back to the story.

Like I said before, I really it. Keep up the writing, and hopefully we can see more!
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Old 02-10-2008, 02:01 AM   #24
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KeshKesh7: thank you so much for reading and commenting!! i'm really glad you are enjoying the story and so far think that is original. i have read a lot of vampire stories (including Anne Rice and Stephenie Meyer) and so it was definitely hard to pull my thoughts away from them to make my own vampires. i have definitely taken things from both for them, but only when i thought it was logical. thanks again!!

One Who Writes Fantasy: yeah, believe me i cant WAIT until the next book comes out!! i am a HUGE stephenie meyer fan!!!! and yeah, i'm glad you like my story and are still reading it!!
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Old 02-14-2008, 02:34 PM   #25
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Okay I kinda take the point that she might be focussing on everything at once. If you ask anybody who's been in a car accident or any other traumatic event they might comment that things seem to happen in slo-mo even though the incident only lasted a few seconds, another avenue to possibly explore.
later
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Old 02-14-2008, 03:06 PM   #26
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actually thats a really good point. i was actually in a near-fatal car accident just this summer and to be honest, the details are anything but clear. i dont remember what half of my body was doing and i only remember seeing certain things. we flipped the car and i didnt even remember flipping more than once, although my bf who was in the car with me told me we flipped at least 2 1/2 (we landed upside down but dont worry we were both fine).

people keep telling me how to explain her last moments but i have HAD last moments and i know what it feels like--almost.

thanks for the advice Paul, you just helped me have a revelation!!
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Old 02-27-2008, 02:33 PM   #27
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glad to help and glad you're ok.
later
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Old 02-29-2008, 05:10 PM   #28
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Me as well. I find car accidents particularly.... scary. I'm glad you're fine.
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Old 03-02-2008, 11:31 PM   #29
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Chapter 4

Chapter 4:
"What do we do now?" I asked him.


"We are going to hop on the subway, and head to the Upper East Side where I live," he answered.


"And why are we going to your place?"


"To drop off your bags and so you can change," he said as if this should have been obvious.


We walked back over to the subway we had taken earlier. Just like before, he bought our tickets and I followed him through the turn-styles to wait on the platform. I turned to him suddenly taking him by surprise.


"I want to thank you," I began, taking his hand while I continued, "For everything. If you hadn't found me earlier, I don't know where I would be right now. Also, thank you for all the new clothes. I really do appreciate it, even if I think you're crazy for spending that much. You have been so incredible to me all day and I have no idea why...," I stopped talking, lost in thought.


He tightened his grip on my hand and forced me to look in his eyes, "You're welcome Charlie, it is my pleasure to help you. Like I said earlier, I have had fun today. Most of that is due to the fact that I met you, and had the chance to be with you all day. I hope you aren't going anywhere anytime soon…" he suddenly looked unsure of himself.


"Where would I go?" I asked, for the first time I really thought about my current situation. If I can’t go back to my dorm to get my clothes, that obviously meant I can’t sleep there either. I also can’t go home. How would it look, me coming home randomly and then disappearing the next day? Forever...


"Charlie, I would love to have you stay with me at my place. At least until you find an apartment of your own," he added.


"Are you sure that would be okay? I don't have any money of my own so I don't know how long it would take for me to get on my feet..."


He smiled a huge smile and said, "That’s fine. I don't mind if you have to stay with me for a while. You don't ever have to leave if you don't want to." On that last sentence, his face faltered and he looked down as if unsure of what he had just said, or why.


I sensed his doubt and quickly replied, "Well let’s just see how this first night goes and we will figure out what to do after that. What if we don't get along and you have to kick me out the first night?" I joked.


"I highly doubt that Charlotte." His face became very serious at that point and his eyes bore into mine. I couldn't look away, I couldn't breathe again.


Just then our train pulled up and Nicholas tore his eyes away from mine, leading me onto the car. He too had learned from his mistakes today. When he noticed the car we were in was full, he walked me towards the end of it to find one that was unoccupied. We had to walk through three more cars to find one that was completely empty. Then we sat down next to each other, still holding hands. I was looking out the window watching the bricks of the underground tunnel whiz by. I could tell that Nicholas was looking at me.


Finally he spoke up. "You must be so hungry. I’m sorry this is taking so long but it is much better if we do this right."


"Everything is all so new to me. I have all of these sensations and I don't know what they mean. I do know that every time I’m really close to a human, all I can think about is their blood. Is that what being hungry feels like now?"


He smiled, "Yes, more or less. Once you have fed, it will be much easier to be around people without wanting to feed from them." I shivered as he continued to speak, "And as you get older, it will be easier to go longer without drinking."


"How could you tell I was hungry? I wasn't thinking about blood, I was thinking about--," I stopped my self short. The truth was I was thinking about Nicholas. Thinking about his large smooth hand wrapped around mine, and the closeness of his body, and about spending more time with him. Again, if I could ever blush, now would be the time.


I heard him laughing silently and say, "I know what you were thinking, but I don't need to read minds to know you are hungry. You can always tell when a vampire is hungry because their eyes are a darker gray and it seems like yours are darker every time I look at you."


"Oh," was all I could say in response. The train stopped and we stepped off onto the platform. Nicholas, still holding my hand, led me to the stairs and up onto the street. I had only been to this part of New York a few times; it was too expensive for anyone I know. We walked for about two blocks, not talking, lost in our own thoughts. Suddenly he turned towards a building with a doorman. Of course he would live in a building with a doorman.



As Nicholas walked by him, the man smiled and said, "Good afternoon Mr. Danley." Nicholas nodded and smiled at him in return.



We walked across the lobby and he hit the "up" button for the elevator. When the doors opened, there were two people already there, but thankfully they were exiting. As soon as the doors were closed, I looked up at Nicholas and said "Danley?"



"My last name," he replied matter-of-factly.


We went up to the top floor upon exiting the elevator and there was only one door that I could see. Great and he owns the whole floor of this building too. I saw him smile out of the corner of my eye as he dropped my hand to find his keys in his front right pocket. He unlocked the door and ushered me inside.



I was immediately in awe of my surroundings. We were in a foyer of some sort and there was a large round table in the middle of the circular room. He walked to the left of the table, throwing his keys on it as he passed. Above the table was a large crystal chandelier and the lights on it threw small orbs of light all around the room. He turned to see that I wasn't behind him, too wrapped up in my own thoughts. Nicholas beckoned for me to follow. I walked down the hall that was directly opposite the front door. The walls were lined with beautiful paintings that all looked really old.



We got to the end of the hall and I stopped again so my eyes could have time to take in the enormous room. It seemed to be a living room of sorts. There was a long, curved black leather couch in the middle of it, set on a thick, perfectly white rug. On the wall to my immediate right was a large, flat screen television and a huge entertainment system. Across the room from where I was standing was what looked to be a kitchen, though I couldn't see how it would get much use. To the left of me I could see a staircase and that led up to two more floors. There was no wall there; and everything was really open and bright. That probably had to do with the fact that the back wall was all windows.


"Do you like it?" he asked me.



What a stupid question, "Of course I like it, it’s so beautiful. I've never seen an apartment in New York like this, it must be a fortune," I exclaimed.


"Yeah, well, the rent here is locked; we bought it a pretty long time ago."


My eyes stopped roaming the room and locked onto his. "We?"


Just then I saw something out of the corner of my eye and whipped my head around to the second floor platform above me. That was when I noticed we weren't alone in his apartment.


A girl, who could only be described as magnificent, was standing there on the second floor platform staring at me. I could tell she was taller than me, and really thin. She also had long wavy red hair that reached halfway down her back. She wore it loose, so would I if my hair looked like that. Then she quickly walked to the stairs and without moving her feet at all, floated down them. Wait, floated?!


"What are you doing here Elizabeth?" Nicholas asked the annoyance thick in his voice.


"What do you mean what am I doing here? Since when do I need an excuse to see your handsome face dear Nicholas?" She asked her voice although sweet, sounded irritated as well.


"Charlie, this is Elizabeth. Elizabeth, Charlie,” Nicholas introduced, pointing to each of us.


"Charlie? Well I suppose the name is fitting," She sneered as she shot me daggers from where she stood.


"Get out Elizabeth, I do not have time for you right now," he said, his voice flat.


"No, no of course you don't. I remember a time when you only had time for me. When you couldn't wait to open your eyes in the morning and see my face. Couldn't bear for me to leave you for even a few hours to run errands. Do you remember Nicholas?"


"Now is not the time Elizabeth. Please just go," his voice was steadily growing angrier.


"Fine." she almost yelled; with that she turned on her heels and walked through the same hallway we had just come through. I heard the slamming of the door, which signified her exit.


What the hell just happened? Who was she? Why was she here? And what was she talking about?


I heard Nicholas groan from beside me, "I know you have a million questions Charlie; I can hear them. I promise to answer them all for you, just not now. Please, the bathroom is the first door on the second floor. Here," he handed me the bag from the first store we were in, "take this and go change your clothes then come back down here so we can plan this out properly."


I didn't know what to say so I just nodded my head, took the bag, and walked upstairs. I opened the door he had directed me to and flipped the light switch to the right of me. The bathroom was large, to say the least. Why was I expecting anything less by now? I quickly changed out of my clothes and threw on some of my new purchases. When I was done, I folded my old clothes, grabbed the bag and walked back downstairs.



Nicholas was standing at the foot of the stairs, smiling at me. "Don’t think flattery will get you out of this Nicholas," I reminded him.


"I know that. But you really do look very pretty," he added anyway.


I smiled and looked down at my feet. "What do we do now?" I asked.


"Well, we don't want to give your family the impression that you were raped or anything. That would be too cruel, so we will only use the zip up you had on over your T-shirt. Come with me," he held out his hand for mine and led me into the kitchen. There he found a container with a lid and set it on the island in the middle of the room. Then he found a knife that looked to be really sharp.


He turned to me "I need you to cut yourself and bleed into this container. I will tell you when to stop." he added.


I looked at him in horror, "You want me to WHAT?!?!"


He sighed, "Maybe if I explain the plan to you, you will finally stop doubting me. We are going to go back to the alley that you were attacked in with your zip-up and the blood. Then we are going to leave the sweatshirt there with you blood spilled around it. If there is enough blood there, the police will assume that you lost too much to ever be able to survive it. The evidence will lead them to the conclusion that you are dead and then they won’t keep their hopes up of finding you alive somewhere. Does that make sense to you?"


I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Although, how anything could surprise me by this point, I didn't know. But I knew I had to do this. I knew it would be the only way my family could get some closure from my unexpected disappearance.



Finally I nodded my head and asked, "Will it hurt a lot?"


He smiled a little. "No, it might sting for a second, but you're technically dead now, not much can hurt you. If a human tried to cut you, he would never be able to do it. Your skin is too hard. Only the strength of a vampire would be enough to make the knife pierce your skin."


I smiled pitifully and took the knife from him. I pulled my sleeve up and held out my arm, palm down. Then I put the blade to my forearm, closed my eyes and quickly ran it across my skin. Surprisingly I didn't feel anything. I looked down to make sure I had actually made a cut at all. I was shocked to see the bright red blood flowing out of my arm and into the container. Before I knew what was happening, Nicholas was at my side with a small towel.


"That will be enough Charlie. Good job, you were very brave."


I laughed weakly, "Thanks."


He walked back to the other side of the island and put the cover on the container that was now almost completely full of my blood.



"I’m sure you can take the towel off your arm now, it should be done bleeding."


I didn't believe him, but decided to do it anyway. I pulled the towel from around my forearm and gasped. There was nothing there, just my smooth pale skin. There wasn't even a scar. How the--


"Not only is it really hard for something to pierce our skin, but if it does, our bodies heal at an incredible rate, and there is never any scarring,” He explained.


"Oh, I suppose that makes sense," I responded lamely.



Then I saw something register in Nicholas' face and he walked over to the fridge. He bent over for a second, up-righting himself with a clear plastic pouch, filled with some red liquid. My breathing stopped. That can’t be--



"Yes, you are correct," he smiled at me; "you just lost a lot of blood. I don't even think I could take you out in public like this," he explained as he reached for a new knife and slit open the plastic.


I was suddenly struck with the thirst he had talked about earlier. The smell of the blood intoxicated me and my head swirled. He dumped the whole package into a large cup and put it in the microwave. "It’s much better when it’s warm," he explained. The microwave beeped, and he took the cup out, handing it to me.


I looked into the large cup, took a deep breath, and put it to my lips.






**I know that there are a few capitalization errors and such in here so never mind them please. Everyone enjoy and let me know what you think**
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Old 03-03-2008, 09:56 AM   #30
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Very good! I love the part when he tells her to cut herself and then she's completely horrorstruck! Hillarious! It's a great chapter. Keep it up!
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