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Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: New Jersey
Gender: Female
Posts: 2
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My Father, My Lover
I will have to submit this in two seperate posts. I appologize for that, but its simply too long. I would really appreciate it if someone read my story. I'm very proud of it, but I think I may need some constructive criticism. Please let me know what you think. Thanks!
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I puckered my lips and stared at my freshly made up face, ready for the night ahead of me. I was really nervous, but I was good at hiding it. Tonight, I was getting the man of my desire. The man I’d lusted over for over a year now. Tonight was the night that I would seduce him and make him mine for as long as I could have him. Yesterday was my 19th birthday. I had planned this out since the day I met him down at Finnigan’s. I had a dream that wonderful night, and I knew that the night after my 19th birthday, my plan would go into effect. I was ready. I’d been planning for longer than I needed to. I had to make sure everything went the way I wanted. I always had to be in control. And I was. I was so in control it almost made my head spin.
I was feeling confident. I knew I looked damn good and I loved it. Even Mama gave me the eye as I strutted out the front door, blowing her a kiss. I didn’t linger at the door to say goodbye to her like I usually do before a night out. This was MY night and no one, not even my own mother, would get in the way of that.
I walked out of our apartment in the slums of Brooklyn and quickly hailed a cab. I knew that girls who went out looking like I did disappeared just a little too frequently. Tonight was not the night for me to get raped and killed. No sir, not tonight. I told the driver to take me to Finnigan’s. No directions were ever needed for Finnigan’s. It was the most popular bar in Times Square. I knew I had quite a ride ahead of me, so I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the dirty cushioned seats, making sure not to press my head too far into them. It took me an hour to get my hair to look the way I wanted it to. The ride took just over an hour, just as I knew it would. I replayed the scenario over and over and over again, just like I had done for the past year- only this time, it was more vivid and real, because I was actually on my way to put my dreams into fruition. Bill Hadley would be mine, whether he liked it or not. I smiled at myself, catching a glimpse of my beautiful face in the driver’s rearview mirror, also catching him looking at me. I made sure the slit in my skirt was just a little too high up. I liked to make men drool. It was a hobby of mine. But after tonight, I’d never need another man to drool over me again. Not after I had Him.
I told the driver to let me out two blocks away. I wanted to let the cold air hit my face. Looking flushed was extremely sexy, and that of course was my ultimate goal. I think a part of me also just wanted to walk off the last minute jitters I was feeling. I would not allow myself to chicken out of this. I stood outside the bar, fluffed up my hair and smacked my lips together, ignoring the cat calls from the drunk boys outside smoking cigarettes and chugging their lagers. I clutched my purse under my arm, threw my head back and stood up tall, took a deep breath and confidently strode through the door. I was hit in the face with the familiar cloud of stale cigarette smoke and liquor, getting a strange sensation that almost felt like home. I had become a local celebrity at this bar, which was always the desired effect. I knew I was irresistible: all the men wanted to know my name, and all the women wanted to HAVE my name. I basked in the glory for a moment, smiling as I heard my name being shouted in unison from everyone. “EMILY! WELCOME BACK! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” I nodded to everyone, meekly raised my arm and bowed my head just a little, flirting with my big brown eyes. “Thank you everyone!”
And there he was, smiling just like everyone else. Was that smile for me? Could it really be? He was wiping down the bar and looking at something on the floor. I stood and stared at him for just a moment too long, and started the 20 feet walk to the bar. As I shook my hips and swung my arms, time stood still around this glorious man. The lights that lit up the hundreds of bottles of liquor behind him created a heavenly glow around him. As I grew closer to my target, time grew slower and slower. This was all too unreal to finally be happening. I gave myself a quick little pep talk in my mind, telling myself that I could do this and it was a sure bet, he’d never resist me. Then I shut the voice up and got ready for it. I sat down on the bar stool, leaned on my right elbow against the hard wood and pretended to pay attention to the excitement that always surrounded the bar. There were men playing cards, women who had one too many drinks, men who had about four too many drinks, and a lovely jazz piano player in the corner. Everything was clouded in smoke. I blamed my shallow breathing on that and not the nerves roaring in my stomach.
I sexily looked over to Bill, the gorgeous 37 year old man of my affection. He was quite older than I was, but I was a true woman. I was more of a woman than any of the one’s he’s ever had, I was sure of it. Time was still going in slow motion, and I waited for Bill to take my order. Finally, after what seemed like eternity, it was all about to start.
“Hello pretty lady! What can I get for the birthday girl?” He beamed his beautiful smile at me and his blue eyes shone with a secret I was dying to know.
“Heya Bill. I’ll take a Vodka and Orange please” I said nonchalantly, looking towards the other side of the room, obviously not paying much attention to him.
“Sure thing. This one’s on the house. A little birthday present for ya” he said with a cute little wink that made me melt inside. This was definitely a good sign. I could definitely use this birthday thing to my advantage. I gingerly sipped on my drink, trying not to get too much of my lipstick on the edge of the glass. I always felt that was trashy. But there’s really no way around it when you wear lipstick I suppose. I waited a few minutes for my drink to hit me. I would not be able to do this completely sober. I didn’t want to get drunk, but I wanted to feel that edge, that fearlessness that drinking does to you. After about 20 minutes, I turned my body to him and started some small talk.
“So Bill, tell me about your family” I asked very daringly. I immediately regretted it, feeling like I may have just crossed a line. It was too blunt of a question. He shyly smiled and put his head down a little, scratching the back of his neck. He was obviously irritated by my question. But there was no going back from that one. He picked his head back up after a minute, clearly thinking about how to answer the question.
“Well, I had a family once. But things didn’t quite work out the way I’d hoped for them to, so I’m a lonely bachelor” He wouldn’t look me in the eyes.
“Well I’m sorry to hear that. I didn’t mean to intrude, Bill. I was just curious…” I let my sentence trail off, all the while I was circling the rim of my glass with my finger, looking down into the bottom, deep in thought
“Oh, no worries! It’s not your fault at all Emily.” The way he said my name startled me, and I looked up at him to find him boring his eyes deep into my face. We stared at each other for a long time without saying a word. I finally brought myself back into reality and started to speak
“I know that. Why would it be?” I still don’t know why I chose those words. I felt like such a snob. Why would it be? What was wrong with me? This conversation was suddenly taking a turn for the worst. I decided to change the subject, and before I knew it we were talking about anything and everything. For hours we had very tantalizing conversation. We talked about politics, which I had never had any interest in before that night, and he spoke of Calvin Coolidge like he was the devil. We went from talking about how expensive rent was starting to get, to the animals of the rainforest. Conversation was going every which way, and we were both thoroughly enjoying ourselves. Things were going exactly how I wanted them to be going. I thought I was going to burst with admiration and love for this wonderfully smart and handsome man standing in front of me. After 3 hours of talking, I decided it was time for things to move on. The bar was winding down, and as the drunken guests stumbled out of the bar, our laughter grew louder and more excited. Our night was far from over. I loved the way Bill looked at me. He looked at me the way I felt. A woman, a sexy, independent woman who knew what she wanted and how to get it. He looked at me like I was perfect. Like I was absolutely perfect in every way.
“Bill, would you like to go for a walk in central park? I really enjoy your company you know..” I knew he’d say yes. And he did.
“That sounds wonderful. Let me just close up. I’ll meet you outside”
I gathered my things and walked outside and walked to the next building over to check my hair and makeup in a different store window so he wouldn’t see me pampering myself. After about 5 minutes he was outside with a nicely fitting trench coat and black gloves, and he put his arm through mine.
“This way, m’lady” he was a true gentleman, and I couldn’t get enough. The rest of the night was wonderful. The park was about 3 miles away, but we decided to walk it instead of taking a cab. It was amazing how strong of a bond I realized we had. I almost burst out laughing, partly from the multiple drinks I had nursed throughout the night, and because things couldn’t be any more perfect. I never thought, after all the times I’d played this night over in my head, that things would turn out to be just this wonderful. We continued to laugh and talk about really nothing at all, when I finally laid out my last, but most devious plan of all. I suddenly tripped on a ‘crack’ in the concrete, staging my fall perfectly. He kept me from falling on my face, whisked me back up and, just like a moment from a fairy tale, we were inches from each other’s faces. We stared at each other for a moment, and I moved in closer for the kiss of my dreams. The Kiss I’d fantasized about for months and months. But to my surprise, he pushed me away, and hard. Almost violently if I dare say. I was so shocked and taken aback that I didn’t really know what to say. I stood there with my hand over my mouth, unable to make a sound. He just stared at me with his mouth open, and finally he said “Emily…”
“Bill, I don’t understand.. Things were going so well. I thought you felt the same way about me that I felt about you..” The words were coming out of my mouth so fast that I wasn’t even giving myself a second to think about what was really coming out
“You don’t know how long I’ve been waiting for this, Bill. Oh, so many nights I’ve laid awake, fantasizing about you, dreaming of your touch, of your love, of your kisses. I’ve planned this night out for so long, Bill! What’s wrong? Don’t you want me? Things were going so well, I just don’t…”
“Emily, I’M YOUR FATHER” he screamed so loud that I saw the spit come from his mouth.
“I’m your father. Your mother and I made an agreement when you were born that I would stay away from the two of you. It broke my bloody heart but your mother always got her way” he had such remorse in his eyes, but I just couldn’t believe it. This information being thrown at me was too much to handle.
“You’re lying to me!!” I shouted, spinning around in circles, suddenly feeling nauseous
“I mean Jesus, Bill, if you didn’t want me you could just say it. You don’t have to pretend to be my father so you don’t have to pursue anything with me”
“Emily, listen to me. I am your father. We had you when we were 18. We couldn’t stay together. There was no way it
could work Emily. You know how this nation frowns upon children out of wedlock. We were only kids in love and we made a mistake. I wanted to be there for you and your mother. I wanted it so badly. But it couldn’t work. We couldn’t get married. Your mother’s parents made up some insane story that her and the father were about to announce their marriage when he suddenly died..” I put my hand up to stop him from speaking. We were both silent for a minute. He looked so helpless. So desperate. I didn’t even know how to feel. This was not how I expected things. At all. AT ALL! How could this happen to me? The one man I fall in love with has to be my father, who I thought was dead all these years?
“THEN WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME WHEN I STARTED GOING TO FINNIGANS? WHEN YOU LEARNED MY NAME, AND REALIZED IT WAS ME, WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME, BILL?” I was crying now. I only knew because my hot tears felt good on my cold face
“Because Emily, I couldn’t ever tell you. I was afraid your mother would take you away again. She didn’t want me in your lives. I had to keep it a secret. I loved that you came here all the time. I got to know you. If I knew you were going to fall in love with me, I would have stopped it long ago. I’m sorry Emily. You’re too young to understand”
I walked right up to him, slapped him as hard as I could manage and spit right on his shoe.
“You disgust me Bill Hadley! How am I supposed to live with myself, knowing I fantasized about my own father, my own flesh and blood? I fell in love with my own father! You make me sick, you disgusting pig. My mother was right for wanting you away from us. Look what you did!”
I spun around and quickly walked away and listened to him scream my name. “I can explain, Emily, just give me time to explain” but I just walked faster and farther, trying hard not to collapse on my feet. This was unbelievable. How could this happen to me? I started to run, picturing his hopeless face standing unmoving under the streetlight. I ran around the corner and vomited into the sewer. I quickly finished and kept running. I never wanted to see that man ever again. When I was far enough away and I knew he hadn’t been following me, I let myself stop and leaned against a building and cried. I cried harder than I ever had in my life. I didn’t hold back. I saw lights go on in apartment buildings, knowing that my bleeding heart and painful cries were waking up the neighborhood. But I didn’t care. Let them stare. Let them call the police. Let them do what they want with me. I felt like my life had just ended right there. I was so damned ashamed of myself. How could I not have known? How could I have not seen that the man I had loved so dearly was the one who created me? I was so embarrassed. He must think I’m such an ignorant little child. I had made the biggest fool out of myself when I thought I was proving to him how much of a woman I was. I ruined everything. He ruined everything.
And then I thought of my mother. My mother had done this too. Everything I thought I knew was all a disastrous lie. She even lied about her age. She told me she was 43! Forty three years old! Just to cover up her embarrassing mistakes. I guess she thought it would protect me. But god she was so wrong. She helped this happen. If I had known the truth, maybe I wouldn’t be crying my heart out on a freezing cold brick building in the middle of Manhattan. Maybe, maybe, maybe. My life had just made a drastic turn from wonderful and promising, to a big sloppy plate of maybe’s.
Last edited by linzeroni : 01-12-2008 at 05:03 AM.
Reason: Spacing isn't right
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