Ten Men Of Wraith: Prophecies & Propositions - Page 3 - WritingForums.com - Writing Forums, Writing Challenges, Critiques and Help for Writers

Gabriel Gray · 01-24-2008, 08:05 PM

Thanks ALOT for your time and quotes, all of these points are being taking into consideration, mainly the reason i haven't continued posting more of this.

Firstly, the start of my story with Jaryn being the main protaganist was intentional. Perhaps i haven't set it out properly, but i wanted the reader to be confused. Not just by the fact that pov changed to somebody we haven't met before, but also that our main character (assumedly) has just got killed.

His last words were about warning the nisoon in Jordan (which i chose as the countries name purely at random - i did know theres a place called Jordan, but i feel the reader has enough knowledge already that this isn't set in our world) so the audience now, pressumably think something is going to happen in Jordan to this Nisoon.

I introduce Riocht, he is a nisoon. Now i would imagine even the slowest reader might jump to the conclusion that this nissoon living in Jordan might be the main protaganist (or at least for now). As for the mention of when he sees what looks like the 'Jordane guard' that was obviously not explained by myself. Jordan = country, so the Jordane Guard is troops from Jordan.

Without ruining anything, it isn't the Jordane guard. But if you saw Yankee soldiers walking down your street, you would think it strange; but not threatening. You trust them (friendly fire, tyvm). So does Riocht, hence why they aren't running around screaming. I've messed this up, so i'm kinda glad i spent the last week just writing up more histories for the lands etc.

As for too many names and places, were there really? Jaryn and the Stryn leader were pretty much the only characters that held interest. The name of the land was pointed out, along with the town he encountered. I'd expect that in any book, perhaps because\ they don't exist in the readers head, they are 'too many'?

Thanks for your time, i've got a lot of work to do...

Gab

dwellerofthedeep · 01-25-2008, 06:42 AM

Quote:

As for too many names and places, were there really? Jaryn and the Stryn leader were pretty much the only characters that held interest. The name of the land was pointed out, along with the town he encountered. I'd expect that in any book, perhaps because\ they don't exist in the readers head, they are 'too many'?

Allow me to voice my point about names more clearly.

Quote:

The setting sun burnt against his dark skin, Jaryn slowly pulled the silk cloak over his toned chest, trying not to flinch as it rubbed against him. He gave a soft whisper into the ear of his horse, Mira. It came to a steady halt and gave a loud whinny. It was his third day in Seant and he was still an hour ride from the Stryn, it was Jaryn’s first journey outside of Rothen and he intended it to be his last, the blistering heat made even riding at a steady pace with Mira a struggle.

In red are the different names. Five of them is quite a lot, especially when it contains a horse that looks to be of no importance whatsoever as it's master is killed a few pages later. Without it this section would be a bit easier to deal with. The month(?) name seems unnecessary and this whole section would work a lot better without it (replace it with a generic word or two).

Sorry, I got a bit carried away there. It's your story, write it however you want.

Gabriel Gray · 01-25-2008, 03:04 PM

Seant was the place, stryn =capital city. So Seant Stryn =london (pretty much). Seant is in Jordan, its capital city. Rothen is like Jordan, a different country. So perhaps if i do this it will explain it better...

The setting sun burnt against his dark skin, Jaryn slowly pulled the silk cloak over his toned chest, trying not to flinch as it rubbed against him. He gave a soft whisper into the ear of his horse, Mira. It came to a steady halt and gave a loud whinny. It was his third day in London and he was still an hour ride from the capital, it was Jaryn’s first journey outside of France and he intended it to be his last, the blistering heat made even riding at a steady pace with Mira a struggle.

dwellerofthedeep · 01-25-2008, 03:46 PM

Alright, I appear to have offended you. I didn't think that it was the job of the poster who put their work up for critique to attempt to disprove every piece of advice anyone has with their work. In any case, I don't think your example is all that effective. London and France are real places so this isn't the first time I've heard those words. The confusion in the piece results from too many unfamiliar, undescribed words. I don't know anything about either of the two places you wrote in yet. That becomes frustrating when they are introduced so close together without any description at either of them. I'll admit I made a mistake when I thought Seant was a month name.

One more thing: Confusing your readers isn't always the same thing as hooking them. If I don't have anyone to follow or like within the first five pages than what sort of assurance do I have that I'll ever find one. People don't want to feel stupid when they're reading, or at least, I don't.

Gabriel Gray · 01-26-2008, 05:10 PM

I didn't mean for it to come out like that, i was just trying to explain (which i've failed at again).

It might not seem like it, but i've been taking every post into consideration. Hopefully the next thing i post shows improvement.

spider8 · 07-30-2008, 07:07 AM

I liked it at first but you kept losing me when introducing new characters. I think it's written extremely well, a refreshing change for this site. I do think to pull me in you need to give me something or someone to focus on more. This read like I'd opened a book in the middle, not at the start. You describe new characters very well and I liked the authoritive 'feel' you give to it. But I think it's too much information too soon for the start of a book. My head was spinning after a short while. I get the feeling of deja-vous with the fantasy (swords, horses, lords, etc) and the way to solve this would be to home in on a character and make him or her 'real' .You write well enough to do this.

Gabriel Gray · 07-30-2008, 12:09 PM

Wow, thanks alot. The problem i have with writing this story (which i've restarted about 5 times) has mainly been the mass of ideas yet lack of patience. I have so many corresponding characters that i want the reader to be introduced to, yet forget to focus in on the most important first.

Thanks for bumping this thread also, might give me some inspiration to give it a lucky 6th shot!

alanmt · 07-30-2008, 12:20 PM

Don't have time to read all or comment now, will try to get to it when I get home fom work.

great beginning so far, although I hate to see guys with toned chests get killed so early.