>KârK<

To be honest, David Gil has pretty much summed up my thoughts on this. The **** between the switches would help, but as I said before, they didn't throw me at all. Regarding getting rid of the names of the guards, that is not really a problem either, but the use of terms such as Stryn and stuff like that does make it hard to follow if we don't know what it's supposed to mean. I realize that theis is not the beginning of the tale, but that does leave us floundering a bit without any background info. I also think that Irene is far too much of a "real world" name, and could be spiced up a bit, like Irena, for example.

I think the mai thing you can do is to get a proof-reader or editor to help you organise, format and punctuate it so that is is easier-going on any potential readers/reviewers. Also make the text a bit bigger, as I found myself squinting a lot. Maybe that's part of the reason why not so many people have actually posted here? Oh, and with reagrds to that, I know it is really frustrating. My James Phebes story has had 186 views to date, and only 10 or 12 posts/reviews. I put it down to apathy or just that they simply don't like that kind of stuff >_<

You've obviously got loads of this story inside your head, and that is really meritworthy, but I think you should polish it better before posting it. I will still be reading it though

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Gabriel Gray

I put it in small font purely because i wanted to get as much of it as possible on the forum, lol. I've always had people complain about how i post it, but i can see where your coming from; i just thought it would look like less of a mission to read if it took up less space.

I agree totally with a majority of your points (both of you) and i do plan to go over each and every paragraph and pretty much rewrite it in a fashion where it would be (dare i say it) publishable one day. As for now i think i will take the short-term advice into immediate effect, such as the **** between character switches & the character Irene's name.

It's strange, when i went to type her name as Ire- i thought what could i name her? Irein, Irena(as you suggested)...Irene? Oh Irene will do, even though every time i looked at it i thought of that song, which doesnt even say Irene, 'Come on Eileen' (i think) and grimace.

Thanks and sympathies, i sometimes look at posts in critique section getting so many replies as i continuously bump my work. Yet i don't really want a final draft here, i want people to think 'this is getting quite interesting' and others going 'wheres the next part?'

One day

Note - Stryn is a countries capital, pretty much. I didn't go into it at all i know, but i thought i could leave readers musing over it subconciously, whilst getting some slightly more important things out the way.

Gab.

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Something i've been working on for a while now, it has a slow start but please read it and comment - It would mean a lot to me

http://www.writingforums.com/fiction...ml#post1211308

dwellerofthedeep

I'm sorry. I haven't even had time to read this yet, but I've gotten started a few times. I'll make it a prioritry soon.

That said; I think this happens to most stories on this site. A ten to 1 ratio of views to replies isn't bad.

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Gabriel Gray

Yeah i just get a bit impatient, every thread i read i pretty much leave a comment on; whether i've read it all or not, purely because it gives the author an idea on how people percieve it. For example those 9/10 readers could of stopped reading because i named Jaryn after their God's favorite german shephard and find it gravely insulting.

Gab.

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Something i've been working on for a while now, it has a slow start but please read it and comment - It would mean a lot to me

http://www.writingforums.com/fiction...ml#post1211308

dwellerofthedeep

Okay; quick preview of my reply (Just the negative for now):

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DavidGil

Hmm, one quick thought I wanted to add Gabriel. It's in response to this:

As for now i think i will take the short-term advice into immediate effect, such as the **** between character switches & the character Irene's name.


As I understand it from talking with you, I don't think there's a need for **** for every character switch as you're writing from a omniscient point of view.

I think the only time there's a need for them is when there's a clear scene break.

However, there was one point that did leap out at me while reading and it is where the assasin was introduced who attacked Jaryn. I felt that came out of nowhere, with the character not previously being mentioned before. So maybe it could benefit from the stars there. I could be wrong though. I'm honestly not familiar with omniscient point of view writing as I've explained to you.

There is a way you could easily solve it though if a period of time hasn't passed, without ****. You could simply say on the paragraph where she's introduced: Over to the left, a woman moved through the crowd. (then mention the veil part.) Or something to that effect. That way, the switch doesn't come so abruptly.


Also, what Dweller mentioned. I've also had it suggested I don't break my words up with ' when I was editing my last piece before posting. Or at least, not break them up as much.

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lin

Hard to say what you mean by "toned" here, but it is certainly not the word you want.
So this guy is a tough warrior, who has a tendency to flinch at the touch of silk? Think that out.


The use of "burnt" is also wrong. That is a past participle (in UKville, that is) you are looking for a verb here. But that doesn't keep this being a dangler.

There should be a period instead of a second comma. This is a run-on of two sentences. Very common in this piece.


I'd suggest using "he/she" instead of it for a horse you named. Which might also lead you to say "mare" or "gelding" or some such.

What exactly is a "steady stop"? The horse stopped.

The whispered thing does nothing for you, especially with the odd "into" wording.


Again a run-on...this time a double-header. These are not three separare clauses for commas, they are three different sentences, each with all the components. You REALLY need to work on this.

Another triple sentence. But examine closely the first two comma-separated phrases. Does "making his way" modify "glares"? No. What that means is that it's a dangling modifier. Read up on that, it's another common fault.


Sure they're not stairways to heaven? Just kidding. It is a cliche and fairly clumsy in this application, but your main task is to learn how to properly craft a sentence.

Good luck

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Gabriel Gray

Thanks alot for you post, Lin. Dust in the wind, yea i kinda felt guilty typing that; guess i didnt get away with it.

Interesting you mentioned the 'mare' as i used that in my original copy, but changed it to a name, due to wanting the main character (Riocht) to get a horse named Mira later on in the story, for attentive fans to note back.

As for warrior, Jaryn is nothing of the sort. He is the son of a Lord, he has training with the blade, enough to fight off bandits. Yet he has been travelling for 3 days by himself, been exposed to the sun for like 12 hours a day? Its going to cain whether your hercules himself.

But mainly; thanks a lot for the advice, it is much appreciated.

Gab.

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Something i've been working on for a while now, it has a slow start but please read it and comment - It would mean a lot to me

http://www.writingforums.com/fiction...ml#post1211308

fisherking

There seems to be a high amount of fantasy/sci fi type stuff on this forum and I'll admit, I'm not a fan of either genre, so I won't comment on your story line. I would agree, though, with lin that you need to work on your grammar. Run on sentences and incorrect puncuation are very distracting.

Gabriel Gray

Have you actually read it? Or just jumping on the bandwagon?

Three people have pointed out my sentence structure faults, i pretty much get the idea thanks.

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Something i've been working on for a while now, it has a slow start but please read it and comment - It would mean a lot to me

http://www.writingforums.com/fiction...ml#post1211308

fisherking

Judging by the run-on sentence in your response, I would say that you have not quite gotten the picture. Indeed I did read the story. I followed the link you provide with every comment. Against all odds, I was not interested.

Gabriel Gray

Guess we both have something in common with our threads then.

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Something i've been working on for a while now, it has a slow start but please read it and comment - It would mean a lot to me

http://www.writingforums.com/fiction...ml#post1211308

lin

oooo, good one.

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BoredMormon

I read a lot of fantasy. If I could actually read your text I think I'd love it.

But you got to fix up the technical errors. They've all been mentioned already. Long sentances, hard to follow viewpoint shifts, ect. Your fight scences are hard to follow. You also have the occasional redundancy. Check out some basic English texts. They will help out your sentance structure.

How much do you fantasy do you read? That would help out a bit. Blatantly steal their writing techniques. Other research would also make it more believable. (I was thrown by your healing scene. Check out a first aid text and see if you can find out why.)

Be careful of using earth names like Jordon, I was instantly put in mind of the biblical location. Cool if thats what you want, but it doesn't seem to fit.

Your story seems good. I like the wealth of background infomation. Try going for a minimalist edit. Cut out every word that isn't essential. Keep working, it'll come.

BM out

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dwellerofthedeep

Quote:

My comments are in quotes. I am not commenting on spelling or grammar unless the error is glaring or grotesque.

The setting sun burnt against his dark skin, Jaryn slowly pulled the silk cloak over his toned chest, trying not to flinch as it rubbed against him. He gave a soft whisper into the ear of his horse, Mira. It came to a steady halt and gave a loud whinny. It was his third day in Seant and he was still an hour ride from the Stryn, it was Jaryn’s first journey outside of Rothen and he intended it to be his last, the blistering heat made even riding at a steady pace with Mira a struggle.

Quote:

For this first paragraph I think you’ve put in too many names, especially as they are unfamiliar names from a fantasy setting. In other words, this introduces too many factors. It’s a name dump that would be better off spaced out over time. A sunset is poetic but it doesn’t do a whole lot for action. On the other hand, stating Jaryn’s intension to leave the country provides some intrigue.

He leant to the side of his horse, pulling his last water pouch from its holder and took a swig, if the Algian front didn’t allow him entrance, he wouldn’t be able to make it to Southern Dwyn by the end of the month, which wasn’t much of an option. He placed the near empty pouch back in its holder and gave Mira a light kick in the side, starting Mira in a fast trot. He heard voices, harsh orders being given and harsh replies. Jaryn touched the sheath by his belt warily. He hadn’t come all this way just to be robbed by common thieves. He slid down from Mira, the horse slowly coming to a stop once Jaryn had reached the ground. Three heavily armoured men, not bandits, too well prepared to be bandits. They made their way towards Jaryn without hesitation, tapping their spears on the floor in unison, behind them stood a man half a head taller than the other three, and twice as wide. His face round and lightly tanned, with a white scar crossing his right eye, or what would have been his right eye if it was still there. The one eyed man stared at Jaryn and barked
“Reveal yourself, by order of the Algian front. What’s your business here, Rotherian?” Jaryn slowly relaxed his hand, moving it away from his sheathed sword and replied curtly
“My name is Jaryn Hastyr’th, son of Dwayne Hastyr’th, Lord of Shuran’dir. I humbly request to stay a night in Seant Stryn and refill my water pouches, then be on my way to Southern Dwyn by dawn, if that so pleases the Algian front.” The three men slightly eased their spears, where as the large one eyed man stared at him intensely
“So we are in the presence of a Lord? I assume you have the appropriate paper work proving your royal status?” Jaryn gave him a slight nod, distracted by a long cold breeze, the first he had experienced since leaving Rothen. He withdrew a worn scroll from his belt and passed it to the one eyed leader.

Quote:

The main character (I assume) has his identity revealed but I still don’t see a whole lot of conflict. Not a lot of hook yet in my opinion.

“Who is in charge of Seant Stryn these days? The last I heard a man called Cynthar Defri’th held charge of the Stryn, is there any chance I could meet with him before I rest?” the three guards gave a roar of laughter, while a coy smile appeared on the leaders face.
“Today is your lucky day, young Lord. You are speaking to him.”

Jaryn couldn’t help but look at him suspiciously, this disfigured and overweight man was in charge of Algae’s Stryn? He had seen some over pampered Lords in his time, but never such a reputed warrior in such bad conditions. Cynthar eyed the Rotherian watchfully and explained
“We haven’t had more than a skirmish in over fourteen seasons, young Lord.” He subconsciously touched the scar on his eye “There has been plenty of ale and meat though.” Jaryn couldn’t help but give a hearty laugh, at least the man could admit he had let himself go. Cynthar turned bluntly to his men and instructed
“Harlow, you take Lord Hastyr’th to the ‘Black Thorn’ for the night” he turned to Jaryn “The cleanest inn we have” then to the other two “Pedron and Mykul, I want you two making sure nobody interrupts our guest, that includes beggars and prostitutes, unless our Lord requests them.” Jaryn made sure he didn’t react, he was unsure on how to take the comment, not wanting to offend or encourage in either case, it was a strange custom to adapt to, but adapt he must if he was to deliver his message in time.
“My thanks to you, Cynthar Defri’th, defender of Seant Stryn, may your sword be sharp and your days long.” Cynthar smirked at the Algerian phrase of friendship being used by a Rotherian.
“And may your sword be sharp and your days long too, Jaryn Hastyr’th. If you need anything, Harlow here will be more than cooperative.” The young soldier grunted at the comment, but glanced at the Rotherian to show he understood the command. Cynthar headed off to the south, whereas Harlow, Pedron and Mykul lead Jaryn towards Seant Stryn.

Quote:

Okay, too many names again. I’m not sure if the names of these individual warriors are important enough to warrant a mention either.

Jaryn shielded his eyes from the glaring sun, which stubbornly refused to set. A black gate blocking everything apart from the pale blue sky in front of him halted their movements. Jaryn had heard about how secretive the Algians were, along with a lot of other rumours, all of them worse than being secretive, that was for certain. The gates slowly creaked open, two men on each side pulling them apart to let the four men and Jaryn’s horse in. Jaryn looked around the Stryn, it was remarkable. For every hut and house, there was a blacksmiths or fletchers, lightly tanned women wearing little more than being considered decent were carrying around buckets of water to and from the well, whereas most of the men walked around with sheathed swords or daggers, all of whom looked ready to use it. Pedron went Mira off to the stables whilst Harlow and Mykul lead Jaryn to the ‘Black Thorn’. The ‘Black Thorn’ was twice the size of any of the other inns, as Jaryn entered through the murky door to a blast of silence. Heads turned towards the Rotherian, Jaryn was sure that he heard a few hissing at him. Harlow and Mykul towered over him, glaring at the customers.

Quote:

Alright, end of the first perspective. I’ll reiterate the problems

Her veil covered most of her face, her sharp blue eyes stood out as the only distinguishable feature the girl had. She recognised two of the Rothen front soldiers as they made their way through the ‘Black Thorn’ and there was her target, the Rotherian. Biding her time she waited for the three to settle down and start drinking, to her surprise the dark skinned man refused the offer of ale and wine, insisting he had to go do something. The two men gave him a questioning look until he convinced them he would only be gone for a few minutes, or that was the impression she got from him. She had never been that good at lip-reading, or perhaps it was just the way the man spoke, with a slight accent which seemed to put her off. But surely enough he got up from the table and made his way round the back, the assassin smiled to herself – he was going to fill up his water pouches, a perfect opportunity. She kept to the shadows, ignoring the whistling and grabbing of the louts who spotted her moving towards the back room. One of the two guards glanced over at her, she looked at the floor trying to avoid his gaze. It was no good, he had spotted her and alerted the other, both of whom hurriedly picked up their spears and rushed into the back room after her. She saw the Rotherian slowly filling up his last pouch from the water tanker, she pulled out a jewel encrusted dagger and held back his head forcibly and whispered, with a slight whimper
“For the Dark Lord.” And slit his throat, the two guards came in just after, looking at Jaryn clutching at his throat, a look of dread and panic in his eyes. The woman snarled and lunged at Mykul, who fended her off and held her whilst Harlow lunged at her with his spear. Mykul ran over to Jaryn and held his head as he lay there bleeding to death, he spluttered
“Save the Nisoon, warn Rhalurn… Suran.” His head fell back into Mykul’s arms, who gently closed the young Rotherian’s eyes.

Quote:

Interesting twist but I thought it sort of came out of nowhere. This whole scene seems a little drab to me. A few more points of explanation, just a sentence or two here or there could really spice this up. The fact that the character I’d thought was the protagonist was just killed is vaguely annoying as it makes the previous scene feel like a waste altogether.

A fierce wind howled throughout Suran, rain poured down without any indication of easing up, the occasional rumble of thunder and the more frequent flash of lightening. A young lad stood motionless in the rain, his long black hair soaked to his skin, along with a silver streak barely recognisable from the rest. His skin was slightly brown, yet so faintly he was barely seen as different from his kinsmen. The one recognisable difference was his ears, pointed at the top, along with his teeth sharpened like a beasts. Not many knew it, but the young lad was what the Lorieans called a ‘Nisoon’, a half-breed amongst men.

Quote:

Some good explanation but still leaves questions- something which is not all bad. This part seems detached from the rest of the story however.

“Burn my heart and purge my soul, I won’t be surprised if we all end up flooded.” Riocht murmured, it just wasn’t natural to be like this during the second cycle, there were rumours that the sun burnt its brightest in Algae, yet in Jordan it barely stayed in the sky for half of the day, sometimes even less. Slowly balancing the two barrels on either shoulder, he made his way to the ‘Eyed Mistress’, the only inn Suran had to offer its travellers. Riocht lived there with the landlord, Magnus Fynch, he had been brought up by the old man from ever since he could remember, whenever he asked the Magnus how he came to be looking after a child at his age, he always mumbled something about it being ‘the will of the Gods’ and then making him change a barrel of ale. Riocht got on well with the majority of the young Jordane folk, seeing as he had been brought up with most of them, the fact that he was a good foot taller than the best of them and stronger than the local ox, which had actually been tested after the third cycle’s festival, after a few too many pitchers of ale and the coaxing of his drunk friends. He was no older than twenty seasons, or so he assumed, seeing as Magnus couldn’t tell him exactly how old he was when he started to look after him. Trudging his way through the mud, he cursed the weather and cursed his luck at having left these barrels to go chasing after girls, rather than finishing the job earlier. Seeing the lantern outside of the ‘Eyed Mistress’ he gave the door a kick open with his left foot, cursing yet again when he realised he had left a dent in the door. He crouched to get through the door, giving Magnus a grim smile while he was cleaning the pitchers. Magnus just nodded sourly, he would have to scrub those floors again.

Quote:

I guess I think this story is moving a little fast. I really hope I’m right in guessing that this Riocht is the actual protagonist.

Lying on his single bed, Riocht stared over at the sword rack Magnus had placed there last season. His first sword was in the middle, shining from the polish he had used just that morning, beside it two long-swords, both belonging to Magnus, not that he had ever seen the old man spa with them. Riocht had often resorted to practising with Lord Rhalurn’s son Caylob, who more often than not gave Riocht a fair enough challenge, even if Riocht did under perform at times, it was worth it so that he could fight in the Palace’s courtyard. He stared outside of his window, counting the stars until he finally drifted off to sleep, not knowing how much his life was about to change, not knowing how much the lives off everyone were about to change.

Quote:

Okay, the last sentences in this scene come off as teasing. They don’t so much as help introduce the character as make me think that the world seems focused on something in the distance rather than on the current situation. Nothing appears to be happening now if you’re mentioning what he’s not thinking about.

Light broke through Riocht’s window, waking him instantly. He wasted no time in washing himself and mucking out the stables. Making his way out of the stables, he raised his hand to block the sun – there was something in the far off horizon, something he couldn’t quite put his finger on. He gave it no more thought, what was off in the distance was not any of his concern, it was for the Jordane Guard to sort out. He rubbed his chin, he could use a shave, and he was in danger of growing a beard at this rate. Considering the possibility of what the girls would make of his beard, he decided he would get it shaved later that day. Squinting again at the black mass in the horizon, it just didn’t seem right, he would tell Magnus about it later that day. His hand swayed to his sheathed sword, an unfortunate reaction he had whenever he heard somebody approach him. He turned to see Lord Rhalurn standing behind him, chuckling
“Careful now lad, you could hurt yourself with that thing.” Riocht gave an embarrassed smile as he let go off the hilt.
“What brings you this far from the Palace, my Lord?” Riocht asked, feigning interest.
“Call me Rhalurn, lad. I’ve been told by a few of the garrison that we might be having some visitors” he turned his head towards the black swarm in the distance “Well Burn my heart and purge my soul, it looks like soldiers of some sort.” His eyes were squinted looking that far, but Riocht noticed it too, they seemed to be carrying flags and banners. Riocht looked at Rhalurn’s face, it seemed to be turning paler by the second
“What is it, Lord Rhalurn? What’s the problem? The Jordane guard often make trips through Suran.” Rhalurn just ignored the boy, patting him on the shoulder murmuring words of reassurance, whilst never taking his eyes off the oncoming army.

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I’d say trying to keep characters with similar looking names apart is a good idea. Then again, this part leaves me in confusion as to what the status of this kid is in the world. He seems to be on good terms with a guard he’s never met before. Of course, you could be telling the reader that the guard is naturally friendly but I’m not sure that’s what you wanted. Maybe I got lost somewhere, but I haven’t heard of an army before now.

Slowly making his way back to the ‘Eyed Mistress’ Riocht kept wondering what Rhalurn had meant, surely there was nothing to worry about, no invading army had crossed into Jordan in over thirty seasons, or so they say. Just the thought of it made him shiver, he knew there were different countries out there, even supposedly different type of people, some who are more beast than man, others who fly like the birds. Riocht considered them a myth, he wouldn’t believe anything until he saw it with his two eyes, he was not one to listen to stories about dark sorcerers roaming the streets, or assassins who are one with the shadow – not seen until they pull the blade from out your back. It was just bandits and street performers scaring country folk who knew no better. According to Caylob, there is a group of men who call themselves the ‘White Warlocks’ supposedly deeply involved in the Northern countries politics, along with claiming to have powers only bested by the Gods. Sometimes Riocht felt like holding the young Lord’s head under ice cold water until he came to his senses, he had boasted to Riocht once that he had something called a Shal’mar’th, apparently a magical talisman of some sort. It looked very impressive when he showed it to Riocht, but after spending two hours watching the young Lord trying in vain to get it to work, Riocht just assumed his friend had an over active imagination, just like the visitors Magnus had been entertaining for the last few weeks. People from as far as Shen’or’th, Broadin had visited the small inn, giving Riocht intrigued stares to say the least, all of whom whispered rumours similar to Caylob’s flight of fancies. He looked at the inn’s door, wincing at the crack in the bottom, reminding him of his over zealous kick the previous night and gently pushed the oak door open.

Quote:

This last bit introduces another character in the form of thought, hardly anything seems to be happening at all with the city even with an invading army on its way. The main kid appears to be hanging around outside of the action too much. On the broad scale of things this chapter feels like it should be several chapters. Everything is taken pretty quickly but very little action is taking place around the perspective characters. A lot of the description is vague and could be redirected either to characters or more logically noticeable parts of the setting. Too many names got introduced for my liking. Without an obviously interesting main character I’m left with little to keep me reading. I hope this isn’t too harsh but I’m not hooked. If you have any questions I’ll try to give you some more advice as requested.

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