Finders Keepers By Me!! (Fantasy and maybe a bit of horror) 1st draught - Writers Forum

DragonTheif · 01-10-2008, 02:37 PM

Chapter 1: Hope

A girl of about 13 was skipping up a dirt track a basket full of berries and another of mushroom. She was simply dressed a plain linen top and trousers with deer skin shoes. She had brown hair and slightly pointed ears that laid flat against her head. She was halfway up the track to her house when she saw masked people, dressed in black, forcing there way into her families house she hid in the shadows and when they had entered she crept up and peered inside the nearest window.
Her family we’re all held captive even the youngest one was being held at knife point. The girl now had a better look at them the black clothing was leather armour stained black, they had a piece of black cloth tied around their faces with only there eyes visible. There was a gold emblem imprinted on the right pauldron she hadn’t seen it before it was a dagger with something spiralling around it, behind it was a closed mouth.
“There’s only two girls where is the third?” said a male voice questioning the eldest woman
“What girl?” whimpered the woman.
“The thirteen year old” replied the voice his temper rising.
“She died, about a year ago,” said a man
“That’s a shame but you’ll be joining her soon” said the masked man.
Without warning he flicked his hand and one by one the girl looked away and covered her ears as the horror unfolded.
The bandits pulled back her family’s heads and slit there throats. A wave of red came gushing out washed and over there black boots. The girl turned and saw her families lifeless bodies crumpled on the floor in a pool of blood, but one was still standing it was the girls little sister, Sky, she had her eyes clenched shut and was singing under breath her captor had a look of fear, she couldn’t kill her. Nothing could’ve prepared the naïve girl for what happened next.
The leader said nothing but looked at his ally there was disgust in those cold grey eyes. He slowly drew two daggers. With the smallest motion of his hand they were through the air and with a small thud they were embedded in there targets. One in Sky’s heart the other was in the failed bandits skull, who’s mask had come off it was a woman only 18 with black hair tied back in a pony tail, her eyes were slowly losing the light of life, the dagger had penetrated so far that only the hilt stopped it, blood trickled round the edge of the dagger and rolled down her nose, it dripped then she collapsed.
Sky was still standing, she began to scream. “Run Hope Run The Forest Will look After You!” then she collapsed.
She had been listening to Sky with so much concentration she didn’t realise that one was missing and was now standing behind her. The man’s eyes where filled with greed as he called through window “I’ve found a girl peering through the window what shall I ARRGGGHHH!”
Hope had kneed the man between the legs.
“GET HER!” shouted the leader, as he sent a third dagger flying in her direction, it flew through the air and hit the edge of the window with a dull thud, splintering the wood.
Hope was sprinting down the track she had recently joyfully skipped up arrows were flying past embedding themselves in the ground at her feet. One arrow flew past grazing her face.
Suddenly an inferno of pain raged across her shoulder, she stumbled once but carried on running. One arrow flew past and hit a house the owner began shouting but as soon as he saw the bandits he fled inside.
Hope tore out the village that had been home to her for so long. Hope headed towards the nearby forest hoping to lose them. She glanced behind her there were only four bandits still chasing her but the armour was slowing them down. She entered the shade of the trees kicking up the leaf litter she headed off the path brambles tearing at her legs her trousers where ripped to shreds and her tunic now partly stained red from all the blood she started to slow down far off she heard there shouts,
She sat down clumsily behind a nearby tree facing away from the shouts her breathing steadily slowed she was careful not to lean on the arrow still stuck in her shoulder. She breathed in deeply closed her fingers around the shaft of the arrow and gave it a sharp yank. Her shoulder exploded with pain once more but it wouldn’t budge. She had lost a lot of blood and the wound wasn’t scabbing over
Hope decided that she needed help and fast she was still bleeding and it would soon get infected she slowly got up using the tree for support, she made her way round the tree she was looking at the floor, when she heard a bow string twang an arrow flew past and hit the tree she was leaning on.
Hope was about to run she heard a rustle of leaves right behind and didn’t move a muscle as a piece of cold steel came up to her throat.
“Nice try, looks like,” in the background Hope could hear a strange whistling noise, “you’ll be joining your family soo….”
There was a dull thud blood trickled from his mouth as the dying bandit looked down and saw an arrow head poking through his chest. Then he fell to the floor standing behind him was a strange man dressed in white there was rumours about this forest that strange tree people lived there and there were even more rumours about them some people said they were cannibals others said they were related to the great elves that had mysteriously disappeared 10 years ago after the defeat of the evil necromancer Shakrar. Which should’ve ended the war but something which is not even spoken of happened and it fell into disarray once more.
Shakrar was a young wizard when it all went wrong when he was growing up he tried to do he was jealous of another boy called Therivol. Therivol had everything the girl, the skills, so he cast a spell on him and it went wrong, very wrong it hit the girl instead of Therivol and it turned her into a falcon and the only way it could be reversed was if Shakrar undid it realising what he had done he fled into the forest and wasn’t seen for years until he returned as the necromancer.
Hope was standing there in shock once more from what happened. She was aware of the other bandits still around her, but when she looked around they were all on the floor too.
She turned back to the elf. She looked at him as he broke his face broke into a smile when Hope did not return it he began running towards her he was shouting but Hope had lost her sense of hearing, everything was getting dark and blurry.
Darkness.

Wilem · 01-10-2008, 02:59 PM

I'm not entirely sure what to say, I mean it wasn't bad but than again it doesn't exactly stand out to me. It all seemed to move so quickly. One second 'Hope' was watching her sister die than she was running away, before you mentioned the gasp I had no idea she was even hiding so maybe spending some time looking through it adding more detail and more description. Some spelling and grammar mistakes too.
Don't get me wrong it's got potential just needs fine tuning.

DragonTheif · 01-10-2008, 03:01 PM

thnx for the advice

Gabriel Gray · 01-10-2008, 05:16 PM

Wilem points out most of the faults, simple mistakes such as you put new instead of knew, lit instead of slit (i assume) and cam instead of came. You could improve your grammar too, along with adding more detail to your character; which you tried to do at the end, yet it seemed pretty random.

On the upside, it isn't a terrible idea and it is moderately original to a degree. Make your readers sympathise with this girl, or if you want the world to be harsh, perhaps have the girl not cry, make a point of it being dog eat dog. Perhaps even have the girl kill the assasins, or try to anyway.

Goodluck.

DragonTheif · 01-11-2008, 02:44 PM

today i develpoped the first chapter loads described the village the bandits and how she cam to be hiding and i've put in a conversation. I'm supposed to be able to acces my files from home but it won't let which is really annoying cuz i bet you that i come up with a good idea and it's impossible for me to write it down

p.s thnx again for all the advice

DragonTheif · 09-09-2008, 03:47 PM

Chapter 2: The Scarred Boy

A boy walked down the street of a small town, he walked alone no one approached him, no one went near him. He walked with purpose not faltering or pausing.
He walked up the steps to the Lords Castle. The boy was dressed in completely Black, there were no markings or insignias, he had a mask covering the lower half of his face and a bandana covering his head all you could see were his eyes which were if you looked close enough one had a scar across and the other was red and had a slit for a pupil. He quietly slipped inside the castle and moved quickly through the corridors
“Back so soon,” a sneering voice echoed from the shadows. The boy stopped and his body stiffened. A girl walked from them. She was dressed in a white satin dress with a black ribbon tied around her waist she had black hair and stunning green eyes. She was neither a child nor an adult as was the boy.
The boy removed his mask and the girl’s lips broke into a smile. A shout came from up the corridor. The girl, still smiling, dissolved back into the shadows
“Scar I see you have returned, I don’t suppose you’ve seen my daughter,” enquired the Lord.
“No sir, and the item we discussed is destroyed,” replied Scar.
“Good, good now go get some rest you deserve it,” said the pleased Lord.
Scar walked past him and up the steps to the living quarters he knew what he would find there a hot bath with rose petals and a big plate of food.
A few minutes later he was lowering himself into the steaming hot bath and closed his eyes. He soon felt soft hands running down his chest over his injuries. Scar didn’t react to it but let them wander across his skin. After a few minutes the hands withdrew he opened his eyes, and looked down at his wounds all the bandages and bruises and cuts were gone, where they had been only white marks remained. He got out of the bath, pulled on a clean set of clothes and walked into the next room standing by the window was the girl from the shadows, she had changed to a satin black dress . She stood up at the sight of him. They met in the middle of the room. They locked gazes for a second and then kissed.
They suddenly broke apart there were footsteps coming up the corridor. Scar had his eyes on the door he could hear the person panting, his footsteps echoed up the corridor, somehow he new they were heading towards his room and he was the target. He looked back at the girl who was smiling it wasn’t evil or a sad it was just a normal happy smile. She kissed Scar again and then disappeared into the shadows. He whipped around just in time as his attacker charged through the door he dived out the way and pulled out a dagger but all he pulled out was air, he was defenceless. In his moment of shock his attacker had regained his bearings and only noticed when the sharpened dagger punctured his skin and into his arm, he roared with pain. As the man he recognised as one of the castles servants, the servant ripped out the dagger to plunge it in once more but before he could complete his mission an arrow went through the servants chest. There was no one in the room so he half crawled, half staggered over to the window on the castle wall a silhouette was crouching suddenly it jumped out of site. The silhouette had long flowing hair that caught the wind.
Scar spun around and saw the girl standing there with the exact same smile as she had left with something wasn’t right. She was still smiling but it had changed it was manic. Her face started to dissolve as she drew a dagger from her belt. It was slowly and disgustingly transforming into Lord Asriel but he was different his skin was imperfect to its normal flawless complexion.
“Looks like you have another admirer apart from Maksa’s daughter” smiled the impostor.
“The Lord and Fate are dead aren’t they,” snarled Scar
“Yes, the Lord is dead, the girl you call Fate is not, once I dispatch you then I shall force her to marry me,” the man chuckled.
“His majesty will be pleased with your dispos…” he stuttered as a dagger came through his neck. He didn’t scream he didn’t move, the dagger had cut straight through his spinal cord.
Suddenly, he collapsed revealing his saviour it was the same person that saved him from the servant. She was a girl a couple of years younger than Scar she had flowing blonde hair and Hazel eyes, she seemed oddly familiar and reminded Scar of his dark and disturbed past.
A girl flashed into his mind with black hair and a seductive smile and he found himself sprinting down the corridor calling for the one who made him keep going so he could be free he flung open every single door disturbing the contents of every single room and there inhabitants his mad charging around wouldn’t be let be for long and sure enough a group of guards came charging up the corridor.
Scar didn’t break step but ran straight into them where he was forced to the ground. He started yelling. In his moment of madness a surreal sense of sanity came over and he fell silent he let guards drag away and by the time they got him back to his room and locked the door he had fallen asleep.
Scar awoke, screaming. A week had passed since his rampage through the castle. He had been having nightmares ever since the Lord had been killed, the first time he had ever had dreams.
When he first awoke screaming a guard came charging in. Scar grabbed him and told him that Fay was missing and the Lord was dead. The castle was turned upside down. Fay was found and so was the Lord’s Body. Fay slept in Scars room, she was petrified of strangers know she refused to go out into the town and refused to announce her fathers death.
The blonde haired girl who had saved Scars life twice was called Despair, she said she was looking for her family after being separated by a fire, she thought Scar was one of her brothers.
“That’s impossible you look nothing alike,” stated Fay.
“You don’t remember much of your childhood do you Scar,” said Despair calmly.
“No… , how do you know that!” Scars voice rising, “and what sort of name is that, Despair, c’mon what’s your real name!”
“What sort of name is scar”, said Despair subtly.
Scar fell silent
Screaming erupted from somewhere in the town, Despair had jumped out the window and Scar had flew out the door leaving Fayte on her own.
Scar ran through the streets, glancing up he saw Despair jumping over his head. Then he heard it, the eerie, high whine of an Ethereal Marauder.

Ethereal Marauders resemble a bipedal lizard with a sinuous tail. This creature disturbs the minds of many because of its lack of head which is replaced with a gaping maw surrounded by three powerful mandibles; gleaming jet black teeth line the inner mouth. Three small eyes ring the maw interspersed by the mandibles. On its two feet there are shining black claws. The Marauder is an aggressive predator which can pass to and from the material plane with ease. Their appearances on the material plane are limited only for the need to hunt and rarely come near settlements. There colouration varies from bright blue to deep violet. The Marauder stands about 4 feet tall but its overall length is about 7 feet. The call that it emits varies in pitch depending on the speed and health of the creature

Scar drew two swords from there sheaths on his back and rounded the corner to face the Marauders.

TheListenerAndWatcher · 09-10-2008, 09:55 PM

I liked it.

The part where everything began so peaceful then went all wrong. Those kinda of stories I like, just swift destruction. But I also enjoy description, this is were I learn from. Also you wouldn't know were I could learn about armour, and clothes from stories like this. I'd like to research that, along with meals, and lifestyles.

But anyways, I hope it gets better. I believe in you, so keep at it, everything takes time.

Wintermute · 09-11-2008, 05:19 PM

I see a lot of basic mistakes in this. Improper use of punctuation, poor grammar, and too much telling. In fact, you can ditch the first two paragraphs completely because they are wrought in telling.

Your structure never seems to falter from, "He walked here. He was dressed in black. He wore this." and then some questionable authorial intrustion. Rinse, and repeat.

You need to go back to the drawing board with this. Read a lot more books if that's what it takes. Pay attention to how stories are written. How well they flow. How they should look.

Good luck.

Yukai ryu · 09-12-2008, 11:32 AM

sweet i liked it a lot, keep going!

DragonTheif · 09-13-2008, 11:29 AM

Thnx for the advice but watermmute it think that's a bit harsh this is my first one that hasn't seemed to of just stopped after the first few paragraphs

listener i don't know eaxtcly where i've been quite luck and when i've been on holiday there are often battle reenactments for different peroids of time going on so u could google it but apartf from that sorry i can't help

Wintermute · 09-14-2008, 09:26 AM

Sorry. I'll be sure to lie to you next time.

DragonTheif · 09-24-2008, 06:20 AM

no it's not that the fact is your saying to scrap the entire thing and there is no positives

MiloDaePesdan · 09-24-2008, 02:46 PM

Quote:

Thnx for the advice but watermmute it think that's a bit harsh this is my first one that hasn't seemed to of just stopped after the first few paragraphs + i'm still school

School is no excuse not to try and do something right or get harsh feedback. The advice below:

Quote:

Read a lot more books if that's what it takes. Pay attention to how stories are written. How well they flow. How they should look.

Has been hashed again and again on these boards for a reason.

That said, I agree with Wintermute. The whole first two paragraphs could be omitted and it won't have an adverse effect on opening the story. And the repetition of death, war, destruction completely threw me off.

Positives? Hmm. You want to tell a story.

HippoHead · 09-25-2008, 05:12 AM

When you begin writing more, you'll notice the mistakes you're making here. So, uhh, yeah, write more, then iron it out.

I thought it started well, but by the end i was thinking 'what the hell?' because it all just FLEW by and it begun telling me irrelevant information (for the present, I'm sure) about necromancers and elves that may or may not be cannibals. Tell us about that WHEN IT MATTERS!

Greed · 09-25-2008, 07:41 AM

Three words: Flesh. It. Out. I agree with the reviews above, you need more to immerse the reader into the world you've created. I mean I randomly saw the bit about an Evil Necromancer and I thought "wow that would be something I like to hear about!" However, you immediatly shifted from the topic. It was kind of sad....