DragonTheif

How would you feel if you were born into a world where every minute was spent trying to survive. Where people were being killed two doors down from you everyday. You learned to live with it, everyone had.
The war had started over 200 years ago and no end of insight. Every time one side sent a diplomat they got assassinated, it seemed as though someone liked the war all the death and destruction never being at peace but could you live with it if you saw the massacre of your entire family in front of your very eyes.
In a land war had torn up the land there was a small seemingly untouched but stories of people who took shelter there told of death destruction, the death of friends and family this is where people would come had lost of everything but there was one family who’d been living there since it was founded the only contact with the war they had was that a man and his son had left because they felt it was there duty. The rest of the family was know paying there price for continued peace all the while the war had been going
A girl of about 13 was skipping up a dirt track a basket full of berries and another of mushroom. She was simply dressed a plain linen top and trousers with deer skin shoes. She had brown hair and slightly pointed ears that laid flat against her head. She was halfway up the track to her house when she saw masked people dressed in black forcing there way into her families house she hid in the shadows and when they had entered she crept up and peered inside the nearest window.
Her family we’re all held captive even the youngest one was being held at knife point. The girl now had a better look at them the black clothing was leather armour stained black, she had nothing that could pierce through it she would just have to sit and wait and watch as the horror unfolded they had a piece of black cloth tied around their faces with only there eyes visible. There was a gold emblem imprinted on the right pauldron she hadn’t seen it before it was a dagger with something spiralling around it, behind it was a closed mouth.
“There’s only two girls where is the third?” said a male voice questioning the eldest woman
“What girl?” whimpered the woman.
“The thirteen year old” replied the voice his temper rising.
“She died about a year ago,” said a man
“That’s a shame but you’ll be joining her soon” said the masked man.
Without warning one of them flicked his hand and one by one the girl looked away and covered her ears as the bandits pulled back her families heads and lit there throats. A wave of red cam gushing out washed over there black boots. The girl turned and saw her families lifeless bodies crumpled on the floor but one was still standing it was the girls little sister, Sky, she had her eyes clenched shut and was singing under breath her captor had a look of fear, she couldn’t kill her. Nothing could’ve prepared the naïve girl for what happened next.
The leader said nothing but looked at his ally in disgust he slowly drew two daggers, with the smallest motion of his hand they were through the air with small thud were embedded in there targets. One in Sky’s heart the other’s mask had come off it was a woman only about 18 with black hair tied back in a pony tail, her eyes were slowly losing the light of life, dagger had gone through her skull blood trickled round the edge of the dagger and rolled her nose, it dripped then she collapsed.
Sky murmured the word Hope, then collapsed.
She gasped that was her name. She gasped to loudly the possible leaders head flicked round.
“GET HER!” he shouted as he sent another dagger flying in her direction it hit the edge of the window with a dull thud, splintering the wood.
Hope was sprinting down the dirt track soon arrows were flying past embedding themselves in the ground at her feet. One arrow flew past grazing her face.
Suddenly an inferno of pain raged across her shoulder, she stumbled once but carried on running. One arrow flew past and hit a house the owner began shouting but as soon as he saw the bandits he fled inside.
She tore out the village that had been home to her for so long, she would only return again to pay respects to her family. Hope headed towards the nearby forest hoping to lose them. She glanced behind her there were only four bandits still chasing her but the armour was slowing them down. She entered the shade of the trees kicking up the leaf litter she headed off the path brambles tearing at her legs her trousers where ripped to shreds and her tunic now partly stained red from all the blood she started to slow down far off she heard there shouts,
She sat down clumsily behind a nearby tree facing away from the shouts her breathing steadily slowed she was careful not to lean on the arrow still stuck in her shoulder.
She yawned then fell unconscious.


Chapter 2: No Mercy (coming soon!)

Wilem

I'm not entirely sure what to say, I mean it wasn't bad but than again it doesn't exactly stand out to me. It all seemed to move so quickly. One second 'Hope' was watching her sister die than she was running away, before you mentioned the gasp I had no idea she was even hiding so maybe spending some time looking through it adding more detail and more description. Some spelling and grammar mistakes too.
Don't get me wrong it's got potential just needs fine tuning.

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DragonTheif

thnx for the advice

Gabriel Gray

Wilem points out most of the faults, simple mistakes such as you put new instead of knew, lit instead of slit (i assume) and cam instead of came. You could improve your grammar too, along with adding more detail to your character; which you tried to do at the end, yet it seemed pretty random.

On the upside, it isn't a terrible idea and it is moderately original to a degree. Make your readers sympathise with this girl, or if you want the world to be harsh, perhaps have the girl not cry, make a point of it being dog eat dog. Perhaps even have the girl kill the assasins, or try to anyway.

Goodluck.

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DragonTheif

today i develpoped the first chapter loads described the village the bandits and how she cam to be hiding and i've put in a conversation. I'm supposed to be able to acces my files from home but it won't let which is really annoying cuz i bet you that i come up with a good idea and it's impossible for me to write it down

p.s thnx again for all the advice