LizzieGirl

Ok I don't know if I put this in the right place. This is my first attempt at Christian fiction. It's a children's story for an online magazine. I just don't know if I ended it in the right spot or what I should really do with it. Any thoughts?

Happy Writing
Lizzie



Jonathan Radleck was different them most of his classmates. He didn’t wear the clothes most second graders did. It wasn’t important to him to wear all the TV characters. What was important to him was to go through life being close to God and listening to his parents.

One day Jonathan came to school early, which was normally the case when his big sister dropped him off instead of his mom. That morning, he saw Mellony. She was the new kid but she was different then most. She was in a wheelchair and didn’t talk. She used a machine to say what she wanted to.

“Hi” Jonathan said walking over to her.

After a minute, Mellony machine spoke for her. “Your name is Jonathan right?”

He smiled. It was only her second day but she remembered his name. “Yeah and you’re Mellony. You started in my class yesterday right?”

“Yes. I’m Mellony Hickburg.”

Jonathan liked meeting new people. He was happy Mellony would talk with him. He didn’t care she was different because in God’s eyes they were all the same.

Pretty soon the bell rang and Jonathan and Mellony headed for the classroom. On the way there Robby, an older boy, came up to Mellony. He was the school bully and it kind of scared Mellony a little. Some of the other kids had told her about him.

“Hey stupid…why don’t you go home where you belong? You can’t learn…”

“Hey… Don’t be so mean to Mellony. She is very smart.” Jonathan said trying to get Robby to stop being so mean.

Tears started to roll down Mellony’s face and she tried to wheel her chair away from Robby but every time she tried Robby would block her way.

“What are you… a cry baby? Mellony, the baby. Mellony, the baby.” Robby kept taunting her.

“Leave me only!” Mellony said

Robby didn’t listen though he just turned to Jonathan. “You know, you aren’t very cool if you hang out with ‘her’.”

“Well I don’t care what you think I like Mellony. Jesus said in John 13:34 that I should love everyone as He loves me.”

With that Robby walked away. Jonathan knew he didn’t like to hear about Jesus. Anytime, people said His name Robby would go away.

“Jonathan…”

“Yeah Mellony?”

“Did Jesus really say that?”

“Yeah. He said in the book of John Chapter 13, verse 34. ‘A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another.’”

“Does that mean we have to love Robby too?” Mellony asked.

“Yeah, it means we have to love everyone. Even if they are mean to us because then maybe they will be nice. Maybe Robby just needs a friend.” Jonathan explained.

“Oh. I can try and do that.”

Destroyer2000

Very nice; it's a good story for a hard verse. For most Christians, the learning to love all, even those who hurt us, is a difficult thing.

Theotherguy

I guess I've been spending too much time in the debate forums, but yay for religious propaganda aimed at children.

This is disgusting.

howowiginal

The characters are a bit cardboard (but then I'm not sure what the norm is in Christian Children's Fiction), and I found the MC to be annoyingly saintly. I think it would be better if he was the one who had something to learn, instead of preaching to the world.

Some of it doesn't make sense. Sorry I'm not more helpful.

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Baron

This is a good attempt but needs a little more depth to it. It is very superficial at the moment. There are also some serious syntax errors. As far as comments about Christian propaganda are concerned, ignore them. Better to set out to fill a kid's head with something positive than the usual trash that they get fed.

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Wilem

Hmm like Howowiginal said I found the characters to be rather emotionless, if that makes sense. Apart from that its ok, not my kinda thing but yeah well written.

One more thing "we have to love everyone" I really don't like that line. Feels like I'm being preached to.

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The cake, it is a lie!
Questioning everything but learning nothing since 1991.

LizzieGirl

I don't mind you saying its disgusting because I know it needs work but would you mind telling me how I could improve the disgustingness of it out what makes it so disgusting.

Happy Writing
Lizzie

Arooo3

My thoughts are to change the characters' names

Jonathan Radleck to Cedrick Wilson
Mellony Hickburg to Eva Cooper
Robby to Byron

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Ali Lynn McFarland

Shawn

He refers to it as disgusting because it participates in the act of labeling and indoctrinating children as Christian when they don't have the ability to understand faith for themselves.

How to improve this? You can get rid of the Christian elements and still teach a lesson. You could have a character in a situation in which the correct solution is to have unqualified love for all people.

Of course, it all boils down to opinions.

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"Let me be mad! Chain me, ye furies, to your iron beds! And lash my guilty corpse, with whips of scorpion!"

- HWV 60

saltinespike

He's just saying he disagrees with letting children read Christian Stories, as it is "religious propoganda". It has nothing to do with your story specifically. Simply all stories of that genre. I would just ignore that comment if I were you.

Relating to the story, I'm with all the criticism. Give the characters a bit more depth, instead of going with "This is Jonathan and he is Christian."

Also related to the criticism, you could, in turn, make it Mellony's choice to love Robby while Jonathan is angry, saying she would not like to have hate in her heart? Just a thought.

howowiginal

Is there a reason for that?

Lizzie, if you want to write a Christian story, write a Christian story. I just think you will get the message across more effectively if you demonstrate, like Shawn said, a situation in which love for everyone is indeed the best course, not just because the character (or the Bible) says so. Show how love positively affects the situation in the end.

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Nobody is suddenly an author. They do not wake up and say, "Today I will auth and auth!" -- Anne Fine

Baron

Give the characters a little more depth. Write in a little background to give the reader something to identify with. I wouldn't worry about writing it as overtly Christian, a lot of Christian books have hit the bestseller lists, check out Holy Joe, published by Troubador in 2006. As for Bible references, if you are going to put one in then make it relevant and it only needs to be there once, repetition becomes preachiness. Also go a little more into the actual feelings of those involved in the described incident.

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howowiginal

Quite an echo in here.

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Nobody is suddenly an author. They do not wake up and say, "Today I will auth and auth!" -- Anne Fine

Baron

Great minds think alike (fools seldom differ)

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shraga

Although I am a religious fanatic myself (not your type, I'm Jewish) the religious part of this story feels forced.
There aren't many second graders who spout verses of the bible like that (although i do know some).
Instead of making it so textual, maybe he should say something like "My mom says that Jesus says "that I should love everyone as He loves me"

The part where "the power of christ" compels Bobby to leave is also a bit much. I mean what seven year old runs from the name Jesus?

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Shraga Y. Weissmann
Israel
Please comment on my humorous short story Chompers Thanks!