need help - opinions on the writing - help with dialect and paragraph alignment - WritingForums.com - Writing Forums, Writing Challenges, Critiques and Help for Writers

who · 12-24-2007, 05:56 PM

Hi all. This is the beginning (or part of) the first story I have ever tried to write, not sure where it is going. What's your opinion on it? Can anyone help me on paragraph alignment and Dialogue? Thanks. Feel free to criticize. I know you will.

She stood in the cramped dressing room staring at her self in the full length mirror.

"God I'm getting fat." she said to herself as she pinched the roll that protruded over the top of the low cut jeans (the only style in the store). She tugged at the waist and wiggled herself deeper into them. She hated hip huggers. Her ass popped out of them every time she sat down. She was certainly not alone in this. It was becoming something of an epidemic. Woman's asses were popping out in suburban malls all across the country.

Why don't they make jeans that fit regular women, she thought. She used to love shopping, but now that she had put on a few pounds it was just depressing. She had enough of asking eager sales girls for the next size up. She pealed the jeans off, and threw them into the 'no' pile, which stood about three times higher than the 'yes' pile did.

"How's it going Maggs?" a voice asked from the other side of the chipboard wall. Of course her best friend Shelly was having a good time. Everything looked good on her slender figure.

Maggie opened the dressing room door. "I'm ready to get out of here." she answered. She handed the rejected pile of clothes to the sales assistant. The teenage girl was wearing a felt Santa hat and candycain earrings. She smiled cheerfully at Maggie.

"Did you know that you can save up to ten percent of your purchase just by applying for our store card" she said in a peppy voice. Maggie raised one side of her mouth forming a half smile.

"No thanks." She said "I'm just buying a few things."

"A penny saved is a penny earned." The girl replied. "All you have to do is fill out this form and ---"

"She doesn't want a card." Shelly cut in as she approached them. Maggie was relieved. She hated situations like these. She knew what kind of pressure that middle aged store managers put on these part time high school kids, and she didn't want to disappoint anyone.

The girl gave Shelly a dirty glance and looked back at Maggie with a smile.

"Have a merry Christmas." she said.

The two women checked out and headed toward the parking lot.

lin · 12-24-2007, 06:07 PM

I don't see any dialect.

As far as paragraphs, it's usual to indent paragraphs, and to start a new paragraph at each new speech. Your word processor should be able to set a tab...or possibly (as with Word for Windows) define a "style" that automatically indents a given value at each hard return.

Problem is, posting on this forum strips out paragraphs. People doublespace between graphs, but that doesn't help you, does it?

Return whenever somebody else is talking, the scene of POV changes, or the general gist of the piece shifts.

who · 12-24-2007, 07:02 PM

I meant dialogue - my fault.
Thanks lin, but I still don't understand it fully. Can someone show me specifically how its done? If I am in the middle of a paragraph and I want to add dialogue do I always start a new paragraph and do I start a new paragraph with the entry of each new character's dialogue? What about thoughts? Do I put quotations around them? Do they follow the same rules as dialogue? Thanks.

lin · 12-24-2007, 07:10 PM

I'm unclear what you are asking. But to save us both time, I think your best bet is to just grab a book. A common novel. John Grisham, John MacDonald, Robin Cook, whatever, and see how they do it.

You use of quotes look okay. Very first one--it's usual to end the quote with a comma as the sentence continues.

who · 12-25-2007, 09:22 AM

I made a mistake, and edited it out.
I don't know how to delete it completely.
Sorry - still getting used to the forum set up.

Please see the following post.

who · 12-25-2007, 09:32 AM

I spent some time searching the subject and found some really great advice from a website. I thought I would cut and paste a bit of it to help anyone who might have the same questions. Since I can't seem to indent. I took Lin's advice and put a space between each new paragraph.

I read the rules and didn't see anything about not cutting and pasting from websites. If I am wrong please let me know.

There is a lot of really great stuff on this site. I didn't save the exact address, but it is worth goggling.

Short Stories: 10 Tips for Novice Creative Writers

Dialogue is what your characters say to each other (or to themselves).

Each speaker gets his/her own paragraph, and the paragraph includes whatever you wish to say about what the character is doing when speaking.

"Where are you going?" John cracked his knuckles while he looked at the floor. "To the racetrack." Mary edged toward the door, keeping her eyes on John's bent head. "Not again," John stood up, flexing his fingers. "We are already maxed out on our credit cards."

The above paragraph is confusing, because it is not clear when one speech stops and the other starts.

"Where are you going?" John asked nervously.

"To the racetrack," Mary said, trying to figure out whether John was too upset to let her get away with it this time.

"Not again," said John, wondering how they would make that month's rent. "We are already maxed out on our credit cards."

The second example is mechanically correct, since it uses a separate paragraph to present each speaker's turn advancing the conversation. But the narrative material between the direct quotes is mostly useless.

lin · 12-25-2007, 11:59 AM

There you go. One tiny detail often omitted from these things is that when a speech continues into a second paragraph (somebody making a big speech, for instance) you don't close the quotation marks at the end of the paragraph, but have a quotation mark at the beginning of the new paragraph.

Which, of course, is indented.

who · 12-26-2007, 02:19 PM

Thanks again Lin. That is something I didn't know. I'm sure it will come in handy in the future. By the way, do you have any advice on how to form interesting and complex sentences? I am also having a bit of trouble coming up with any original ideas. Every time I think of something, it seems that something very similar has already been done. Do you know of any good strategies to solve this problem. One more thing, if you don't mind - I would like to expand my vocabulary. Is it as simple as studying the dictionary? Are there any games you play in your head to help you in this, or maybe word of the day? What do you think. I look forward to reading your posts.