A Hero's Journey: Destiny's End - Writers Forum

Enigmus · 12-15-2007, 09:22 PM

A Hero's Journey

Destiny's End

Last Saga of A Hero's Journey

PROLOGUE
(P0)

The humidity was terrible; the dust of the ground dissipating into a fog, and the smell of decay was within the wasteland. Weapons, armor and a thousand corpses scatter around. Surely it was after a bloody battle, leaving two forms standing.

“I will not give up!” said a battle worn man who stood out in battlefield, almost crazed with rage.

A man in his twenties, with dark blue, straight hair, whose face, smothered with blood revealing one eye. His body wrapped with wounds we had taken from battling hordes of monsters which seemed impossible to heal. Even with modern medicine.

“You will not defeat me! Not now! Not yet!” He shouted,

referring to another creature beyond the lingering darkness. Only its eyes showed, burning with white, hot flame.

In all of a sudden the enraged man, stormed screaming at the creature, brandishing his sword, as if an army of Sha’ Des were coming towards him. The creature stepped out from the safety of the cloaking shadows and revealing arch-type demon, with four long horns protruding from his head. It’s leathery Grayish blue skin, glowing and its shoulders covered with bright angelic feathers and a body with patches of golden hair. He was a part of the long forgotten, lords of Chaos.

AS he glared at his frenzied assailant, in response,the demon drew a nightmarish sword from the sheath at his back, for it was huge. The sword was like a two edged saw, but the edges pointing downwards, guaranteed to scrape and rip large chunks of flesh if it ever hacks through skin and it still has the smell of dried blood. The monster licked the blade, provoking the charging man, full of wrath and fury.

Then the man, streamlined his body for a quick attack, lowered his sword a perfect position for seemingly slashing through his opponent, the creature now in a defensive stance, but sill looking unafraid.

“This is the end for you! Demon!” the man yelled wildly

, with blood that replaced the tears that tricked down his face.

“Pathetic human.” the creature sneered.

“ Galus Zadeth!” the man called forth,

summoning up all his remaining strength to perform a legendary attack, with the point sparked with glowing mana fires, gusts of wind hacking through and around them. The blade is now glowing bluish red, intensely hot and bright. As the point touched the air, it exploded, with mana sending small flares up the sky, and marking rips in the air. Strong billows pushing the two fighters away.

The creature stared at the remarkable force of mana forming around the man’s blade. He recognized it as “Redeemer, the Immortal”, for not only did mana but divine marks whirl around the sword, a sure counterpart for his sword, “Nevermore, the Destroyer”. He not only feared the sword, but the skill also, “Galus Zadeth” or “The Sky Breaker”, is a skill of legends and power. And lived up to it’s name for it was able to leave rips and tears in the sky and close for months. Sometimes these rips became black holes if it didn’t close too soon and accidentally suck living and non living things into alternate dimensions. Now, the creature will face its full intensity.

“Lucinus! This it it!” The man shouted as he was going to deliver the final strike.

The sword almost reaching the creature’s waist and in a split second, time seemed to slow down and froze, the glow and crackle of pure divine energy on the man’s blade, now a blinding light. It seemed virtually impossible to parry such a devastating attack, but the man stopped, for the creature, a warlock of the tenth reign, had cast a chrono spell which stops time, just before the man attacked, that in the nick of time, awoke. Taking advantage of the bleak situation, for the spell will wear off in a matter of seconds, he quickly lunges his sword, aiming for the man’s chest and sends a spell for preventing healing.

“Banus Medeor!” as soon as he spoke the chant, mana flared up the edges of he sword up the wound and stopped blood clotting.

After that, the chrono spell had worn off and the man’s fabled attack missed for he was thrown off balance when the creature had fatally stabbed him. Instead, he left a long wound that painfully marked across the creature’s face. A few more meters and his face would have been slashed in two. With this he shrieked in agony and anguish, quickly casting a healing spell,

“Integro Arkanus!” soon mana entwined around his long and melting wound, a wound that burnt of sulfur and reeked just as foul. In a matter of seconds that searing wound was nothing more than a badly burnt scar.

“Lu…ci…nus…you…ha…ha…ve…not…de…feated…me…yet…I…wil l…come…back…I WILL!” The man whispered as he fell to the ground with the creature, Lucinus’ sword, still gorged at his chest.

Lucinus, stepped towards the dying man and took out a shiny object, glowing brightly. The man now, barely moving but still breathing, looked on how helpless he was in his numbness.

In his last moments, the creature, Lucinus spoke, “Farewell…Vincent.”

END OF PROLOGUE

Enigmus · 12-15-2007, 10:35 PM

Chapter 1
(P1)

“The Magic Bracelet”

Laescynn, 1980

It was nearing summer break, and all the students were excited. Only a few minutes ‘till the bell rang. Inside a second year class room,
A girl, named “Meirin”, frowning as she looked at the class clock.

“How long does it take? Ohh…I can’t wait to go home,” Meirin groaned.

It was their Physical Education class, and she and her teacher, Mr. Isidru Draekken, were not good vibes. Probably since,Meirin often didn’t take the class seriously
and always made petty excuses during Gym. Meirin gets bruises and injuries
easily, that’s why. But now, it will be her last time to see Mr. “most hated teacher”. The clock was ticking, and only a few seconds till twelve O’ Clock. The suspense was intense, Meirin could not even hear Mr. Isidru talking
Now, only meaningless mumbles as if time has gotten slower. Her heart beat
now at the rate of a beat per 3 seconds. She could not even breathe and her body starts to numb out. Sweat begins to drip from her intensified pale face.
Then it happened. “RRRIIIIIINNNNGGGG!!!” the clock has struck twelve.
Meirin almost died of suffocation, and at that. She quickly joined the others
At saying farewell to their teacher and their teacher replied good luck to them. He too has plans for summer, so did everyone else.

Seconds later, students were rushing out of classrooms, yelling, shouting, screaming like 5-year-old children.

“Vahn… Sure is long since we met.”, Said Meirin as she daydreamed.

“Vahn? Hey, Meirin! Didn’t you know the news lately?” shouted a familiar voice behind Meirin, interrupting her fantasy.

“Oh, Syle?! How nice to see you! What news do you mean?” replied Meirin to her 1-year younger friend.

“Link, went to Bornsburg!” exclaimed Syle.

At that, it seemed Meirin’s hopes and dreams smashed to pieces.
She stood their, staring blankly, oblivious of the other students rushing pass her. “Bornsburg…”, whispered Meirin, as tears began to drip from her eyes. “Meirin”, said Syle, trying to comfort her friend.

“But we almost had something…Why?” sobbed Meirin, then without thinking, ran off leaving tears sparkled like crystals.

Then as she fled home, Meirin met a dark alley. A dark, mysterious man was waiting for her. All her bitterness soon replaced by dread and fear, unknowing of her shadowy stalker.

“Greetings, Meirin… You are late.” Spoke the man.

“Who are you?!” shouted Meirin with terror.

“I am no one, but you I find interesting. You just might be the one,” said the man, as he reached inside his black trench coat.

“Listen, Mister, I am not the mood to talk to you right now! Don’t you see I look miserable?!” cried Meirin.

“Then this would probably help you ease your pain. I want you to have this.” The man said as he revealed a shiny object to Meirin.

“What is that?” Meirin said in astonishment.

It was a golden bracelet, with a sword at the center with three gems encrusted on it, Sapphire, Ruby and Diamond. All of a sudden, Meirin’s sadness washed away into delight, for SHE must possess such a beautiful object.

“Oh, thanks…” Meirin said, with a glint of happiness in her voice. Then after she had worn it,

“ How do I look?” She asked.

“It looks magnificent…You look magnificent, Meirin.” The man said with a sneer.

“How did you know my name?” She said as fear began to creep up her soul once again.

“ ha, ha, ha, ha…HA, HA, HA, HA!” The man laughed menacingly, as Meirin stared with horror when she saw the man's shadow slowly changing shape.
It grew four large horns and a tail,and falling feathers.
Then soon magic cells called “Mana”, began to rise from the bracelet, whirling around her arm, glowing brilliantly, so brilliant she shrieked at the presence of magic. Then the mana exploded in her arm, transforming into a large pillar of flames, that seemingly burned her, but her body wasn’t hurt at all, only a part of her school uniform. She screamed so hard that she fainted. Then in a moment that seemed like an eternity, Meirin woke up. Now, her fears raised tenfold, as her nauseous head, dazed like a drunken person, and her body trembling at what she sees in front of her, a world very different from hers’. She is now in the world called, Ithria. And there is no going back…

END OF CHAPTER 1

Enigmus · 12-16-2007, 03:57 AM

Chapter 2
(P2)

“Awaken!”

It had been hours since Meirin had wandered around the vast and strange world. She couldn't see any signs of life, neither birds, animals, plants nor a gentle breeze. The humidity was unbearable, as sweat now bathes her weary body. The mana explosion had burnt up most of her uniform, leaving only a small skirt that showed much of her legs and a shirt good enough to cover her breasts, making it a bit drafty and cool. Lucky for her no one was around.

She had ventured endlessly around the plains, almost without hope of finding anyone. At least that was what she thought. Everything grew silent with every pace she took. She could not hear anything and her senses sharpening. She could only hear her heart beat, her foot steps and a “THUMP!” Meirin stopped at that instant, as dread began to slither up her mind, into Meirin's consciousness. It might be just her mind playing tricks on her. Then the silence returned so silent her ears painfully sore.

Then she continued walking again, Leaving her fears behind. Until she had this awful feeling of being watched, watched by something lurking in the fog, something hungry, something hungry for HER. A walking pace then turned to a steady jog, soon after she ran, feeling so numb that she could not even feel exhaustion.

" sksh, sksh, sksh, sksh.", she ran, and sprinted more than a 100 yards or so.
" sksh, sksh, sksh." She listened, but nothing seemed to be following her. Then,
" sksh, sksh, THUMP! sksh, THUMP! sksh, THUMP!THUMP!" something IS behind her, and moving fast! " sksh, THUMP! THUMP! THUMP!" the creature is galloping, too fast for her to outrun.

Then the most horrible sound she had heard crept behind her ears, something breathing, something large, taking massive doses of air. It was very hungry. And she could hear it snarling like a mad dog. But it was unlikely for a dog whose foot steps seemed like thumping hooves. Until a very foul smelling odor that clogged Meirin's nostrils, so vile that it was like someone who did not bathe for a century that she almost fainted.

Her eyes darting at anything that would of any help, but no hope for a large shadow moved over her head, a large hand with webbed fingers. Then it grabbed her head, twisted her around like a rag doll. Her bones almost dislocated with every part of her body as she whirled, her pale face now eying on the monster. A terrifying beast with the head of an over sized wolf with deep yellow eyes, a human abdomen, but the lower limbs of a boar.

Meirin screamed as the monster opened its mouth at an extremely 3 feet gape, big enough to swallow her whole. Its breath stank to the high heavens. As its saliva dripped over Meirin's pale face, she screamed louder. So hard the monster squinted and backed down.

Then a column of light pillared underneath them. It was the gold bracelet on her arm, blinding them both with all its divine light. Then a man cloaked in mana sparks and holy flames emerged, clad in brilliant steel plates. And he drew a sword imbued with hallowed marks. And in retaliation, the monster lunged forward with its mouth at full gape. Suddenly ten bright flashes of lightning appeared, as the man slashed the pathetic creature to pieces, without breaking a sweat.

Then the man spoke, "Are you hurt?"

END OF CHAPTER 2

Jade M · 12-16-2007, 10:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Enigmus

PROLOGUE

The humidity was terrible, the dust of the ground burnt, and the smell of decay was amongst the wasteland (This sentence make sense to me, you need to add some bits in 'the dust of the ground burnt (what did it burn, his feet?) and the smell of decay (clogged his nostrils or something like that, 'amongst the wasteland' doesn't make sense).

“I WILL NOT GIVE UP!”said a battle worn man who stood out in the dark and tormenting wasteland. (I don't think you need this bit, just go on to the next para as it describes the speaker, you have alread mentioned the setting above.)

The speaker was a man in his twenties with (describe the blue, is is dark, light, curly?) blue hair, wet by wounds (What is wet with wounds? His hair? I don't understand what you are trying to say), whose face, smothered (smothered isn't the right word here, maybe 'caked')with blood revealed one eye for the other is badly hurt (delete this bit.). His body, wrapped with wounds (how is a body wrapped with wounds? rewrite this.) which seemed impossible to heal. Even with modern medicine.

“ YOU WILL NOT DEFEAT ME! NOT NOW! NOT YET!” He shouted, referring to another creature beyond the lingering darkness. Only it’s eyes showed, burning with white, hot flame.

Suddenly the enraged man, stormed screaming at the mysterious and vague (No, you don't need these words.) creature, brandishing his sword as if an army of Sha’ Des were coming towards him. The creature stepped out from the safety of the shadows and revealing an arch-type demon with four long horns protruding from his head. Its leathery Grayish blue skin glowed and some parts of his body were covered with angelic feathers of golden hair (Hair? You just said that they were feathers. Rewrite.). He was a part of the long forgotten lords of Chaos. The demon (In your original version it is unclear who has the sword, i'm assuming the demon but you need to make it clearer) drew a nightmarish sword from the sheath at his back. It was a terrifying sword indeed, for (You've already said the swords scary, just proceed to the description.) The pommel was a crow’s skull with blood dripping from the eye sockets. The grip made of something like stretched skin where blood poured as the creature squeezed it. The guard, made like a cross crafted of magic obsidian for it glowed erringly violet and a skull at the center with two sapphires’ for eyes. The blade was like a two edged saw, but the edges pointing downwards, guaranteed to scrape and rip large chunks of flesh if it ever hacks through skin and it still has the smell of dried blood. The monster licked the blade, provoking the charging man, full of wrath and fury.

Ok you have spent too long describing the sword, by the time i got to the bottom of the description i had forgotten the top details and such lengthy descriptions break up the fight scene, ruining the flow. Cut the description down a bit, less is sometimes more.

The man streamlined his body for a speedy form (speedy form? Maybe quick attack.) and lowered his sword into a perfect position for slashing through his opponent. The creature was now in a defensive stance, but still looking unafraid

“ THIS IS THE END FOR YOU! DEMON!”, the man yelled (Why is he shouting everything? Can't he say it quietly?). Blood replaced the tears that tricked down his face.

“ Pathetic human”, the creature calmly (Calm? I'd imagine more of a sneer here).

“ SORA NAMI!!”, the man shouted, (Stop shouting, the demon isn't deaf.)

Ok i've gone through some of it and outlined some points you need to focus on, the story isn't bad just needs to be told in a more concise way.

Enigmus · 12-17-2007, 06:22 AM

Chapter 3
(P3)
“Flash Back”

It was a few minutes later since that awful incident. Meirin is sitting on the ground in a state of shock Bewildered by the enigma around her rescuer. “Mistress, are you all right, Miss Meirin?" asked the man.

“Who...Who are you? And how do you know my name?" asked Meirin

“My name is Vincent Angelfyre, milady, and here to serve the holder.", replied the man.

“Holder?" Meirin puzzled, just then as she saw her gold bracelet.

Soon, both of them sat in a patch of dead weed, dark herbs that are able to live within the wasteland. The ashy grass blades tickle Meirin's legs as she sat... It was warm and smooth.

“Who are you actually and where did you come from?" Meirin asked, still wondering about Vincent's origin.

“I, Vincent Angelfyre, am the last and only remaining remnant of the great order of Zion. a divine order with a sole purpose of destroying the forces of darkness. But as time passed, our numbers dwindled as our enemy grew stronger. And no more recruits good enough to continue the struggle. By the time, King Ghaus had ascended to the throne of Toradon, Ithria was facing the dawn of technology.

For four years, the continent of Gaea was at peace, but a year later, an ancient foe of the old empire, The Demonite Legion, and risen. The army is led by Marquez the second, a very strong vampire. It took king Onizu and a band of the greatest warriors, including me and a few comrades left over during the tyranny of the Sil' Fieronn Khans, to vanquish the entire legion. It was a long battle that ended for 7 months none sto. We indeed succeeded but King Onizu and a few others never made it, I and a Pyromantress, were left.

We searched the ruins only to face the legion's creator is none other than Kukai-Je, the Prince of the fallen, believed to be defeated at the continent of Ryuu No Hikari.
We tried the best we've got against the demon, leaving craters the size of a whole field in the fight. The Pyromantress did most of the great damage, burning the soil, until it melted, creating a sea of tar. Plunging the demon under, as I slashed him rapidly. We fought so hard the ground cracked without us stepping on the groun, so strong forces that it attracted meteorites to rain from the sky.

As the demon weakened, it revealed its true form, Lirzuz, the god of Nothingness. It then, released an energy of insurmountable magnitude, destroying almost half the life in the continent, and and the Pyromantress, even with her conjured shield of flame, died. I alone remained, facing all my comrades, fallen in the wrath of the god. Not even the Arch Divine, Tennin, was able to find the chink in the monster's armor only to be crushed by it's fury. With only the sword, she had left, “Redeemer", was facing a losing battle.

A miracle happened as the sword glowed and the souls of my fallen comrades fused within the blade, evolving the sword into it's purest form, and awakening the Seraphim Heart inside m, reviving Archael and Teufel, an angel and demon spirit that combined within me. With the great transformation I wielded, I ultimately destroyed the demon with a single swipe of my 8 foot long blade."

" Is that all?" Meirin asked curiously.

"Wait... Give me a second to breath! ... Now where were we? Oh, yes, Lirzuz was finally been defeated. But it only the start of my problems as the rift left over when Lirzuz exploded had summoned the inter-dimensional being, G.E.V. an alien life form made of machine and energy bent on recreating the universe by its own will. I was unable to beckon its futuristic weapons, since magic has no effect on it. As the machine opened its mouth, seemed like sucking in particles of the air and produced a glowing sphere of unknown energy.

But all of a sudden, a strange man emerged from the rift, revealing his name to be Jord Angelfyre. And with great haste he lunge his enormous sword at G.E.V.'s head, destroying the pilot inside, creating a massive mushroom like explosion where I have lost consciousness..."

Moreover, Meirin simply said “Wow."

END OF CHAPTER 3

Gabriel Gray · 12-17-2007, 06:30 AM

Once i saw the 'Warlock of the 10th level' i had to stop reading, sorry

Enigmus · 12-17-2007, 06:52 AM

Chapter 4
“Death?”

(P4)

The two were quiet over the past hours, as Vincent made a bonfire by conjuring a fire spell from his magic sword into a small patch of deed weed.

“Say, how do you do that?” Meirin asked, studying Vincent’s sword.

“This sword is called Redeemer, the Immortal. I can generate all sorts of spells through the runes imbued in it.” Vincent answered.

“Can you do something cool?” Meirin requested.

“Cool? What is it do you mean?”

“Curse modern English...” Meirin whispered.

“What is it you said?”

“Uh, nothing! What i meant was, can you do anything else?.”

“Sure, mistress. Watch this.” beamed Vincent.

Vincent raised his sword with his left hand rested on the etched marks. Slowly, holy sparks began to buzz around the blade. They twirled like fire flies, getting wilder as it became a spinning form of bluish, yellow light.

“Devos Norum!” shouted Vincent.

With that, Vincent slashed the air. He created a strong drill-like shock wave of spiral blue gold flame. It sucked up huge amounts of dust and dirt like a hurricane. Finally, it exploded. Bits of flickering mana were sent unto the air, when it had ended. Only a large area of ash left in it's rage.

“Incredible.” Gasped Meirinwith disbelief, then clapped with amazement.

Vincent smiled when he saw Meirin laugh. It reminded him of someone dear and precious to him back at the old days. Someone he failed to protect and still haunted him.

“Vincent, can I ask a question?” Meirin asked.

“What is it, Mistress?” Vincent asked with a grin.

“What are you?” Meirin continued.

“I am human like yourself. Can you not see?” Vincent said in a stern voice.

“I know, but haven’t you seen yourself lately? I mean, why is it that you do not have eyes?

"All I can see are fuming white spaces, and your face seems cold and pale.” Meirin objected.

“What?! How could this-” Vincent exclaimed in disbelief, but silenced as he saw his deathly reflection on his shining steel gauntlet. His face was ghost white and replaced the cheerfulness in him. He touched his face and it was cold to the touch. He did not have irises; instead they were replaced by gassy, white eyes.

Having insight of his condemned state, tears began to seep out of his gaseous eyes down his cheeks. Meirin watched them trickle from his face to the ground as they sparkled like crystals. Both were shocked, when a fume with the bitter smell of sulfur arose from the wet tears that splattered on the ground. Everyone was speechless, except Meirin.

“Your tears…are like acid,” she said in awe.
END OF CHAPTER 4

Enigmus · 12-17-2007, 07:11 AM

Chapter 5

(P5)

“Mistress and Servant”

Tears trickled down Vincent’s face like rain drops, ever so clear, only to drop on the ground as bitter sulfur. The acid droplets streamed ground ward Hiru’s steel plate fuming foully as they went, until he was clouded by smoke, only his bright gaseous eyes revealed.

“Can I help you?” Meirin asked with concern.

Vincent lifted his head, got up and walked towards Meirin across the bonfire of mana. He look entirely drenched with sweat, but tiny orbs of mana were set ablaze as he paced. His glowing form were clothed with deep blue lights, and glimmered like a four hundred watt light bulb.

Meirin staggered backwards as Vincent went. The smoke made from the scorching mana cleared. Vincent kneel ed at Meirin as to a queen, now dry and cleansed by moisture.

“Meirin, my mistress, let us haste to our duties.” Vincent said with sadness lost in his voice.

“Duties? And why do you call me mistress? I have a name you know.”

“You are the holder. You are the one destined to cleanse our land from the evil pf Lucinus.”

“You got to be kidding! I’m just a sixteen year old school girl! Wwwhose only WISH was to see my BOYFRIEND! And hang out all summer! And, and have not to be ripped to pieces by monsters!” Meirin panicked.

“But you are here now, and you cannot leave this world until you defeat Lucinus.”

“How do you suppose I do that?”

“I am here mistress. I have been bound to swear that I will serve the holder; which is you, until my death.”

“But…”

“Don’t worry, I will protect you. Trust me.”

Meirin just rested here hand on Vincent’s right cheek and lifted his face, her eyes teary with unexplainable feelings. Her minded shrouded by the fast pace of events and the weight of responsibilities she has to carry.

“Very well then! Rise my knight and join me!” Meirin’s voice suddenly turned regal.

“With pleasure, mistress!” Vincent smiled and got up.

END OF CHAPTER 5

Gabriel Gray · 12-17-2007, 07:46 AM

just took the realism out of the story for me, i'll give it another try in a bit - had a good start.

(i also played rpg online for a while and it looked out of place in a story

)

Velvet · 12-17-2007, 09:14 AM

I've just read the prologue, it's pretty good. I'll read some more later.

Also, i agree with Gabriel, "the warlock of the tenth level" sounds too familiar (the world of warcraft), maybe cutting it out or replacing it with something such as;
"Warlock of the stone labyrinth" or "Shade of the 10th born" etc would improve the feel of the story - you get my drift...

Good luck anyways,

Enigmus · 12-18-2007, 01:27 AM

Chapter 6“The Lords of Chaos”

(P6)

Vincent and Meirin had chatted as they ventured across the vast plains, called the Ithrian Wastes. The ground burnt under their feet. But they didn't mind, both were too occupied
by the destiny they share.

"I've been wondering, who is this Lucinus guy?" Meirin asked, her eyes wandering around.

"One of the Lords of Chaos. They were an ancient force, far older than the old empire. They were dormant inside Des Jakarum, their sub-terrain realm. Well
until, someone woke them up. "

"LORDS of Chaos" She gulped.

" No, no. The others were defeated a very long time ago. Only Lucinus remains and
continues to grow in power."

"How do we defeat such a thing?"

"I...Don't know, sorry" Vincent answers with remorse.

"You don't know?" Meirin asks as fear and panic starts to overcome her with Vincent's grave answer.

"I tried once, and I was almost torn limb from limb. When I was dying, he showed me a golden bracelet and sealed me in. And is probably the one you wear now."

"He must be the same person that gave it to me, but why?"

"Probably because with each holder the lords of chaos defeat they gain control of both the latter and their guardians’ essences. Lucinus couldn't have absorbed my essence if he killed me at the time."

"But is there anything that could ensure some slim hope of victory?"

"Perhaps there is one... Eternity's Heart"

"The what?"

"I'll explain later, for now let us hurry or else more of the fell creatures might spot us."

Meirin simply nodded and they ran towards the golden horizon.

END OF CHAPTER 6

Enigmus · 12-18-2007, 02:48 AM

Chapter 7
"The Journey Begins"
(P7)

As they ran, the lights from the horizon began to grow brighter and britghter. Suddenly, four vague forms in the path halted them, shambling and moving aimlessly...Like dead people.

Vincent recognized them within the distance as a bunch of Sha'Des, corpses of the long
dead weakly reanimated with quick simplicity, Unlike the other dead Vincent fought in the
old days, Sha'Des can live without a necromancer or death knight controlling them. They
have to be left overs, Vincent thought.

One of the Sha'Des spotted them and alerted the others with a few mumbles in a gurgling-like speech. In addition, unlike the other dead, they can suddenly sprint at extreme speeds when approaching a victim.

They ran so fast, their bodies blurred as they went, leaving thick packets of dust behind.
Suddenly one of them appeared in front of Vincent, but he quickly parried it with Redeemer. He he counter slashed but the Sha'Des easily dodged it. He preformed a series of hacks and slices but the Sha'Des was too nimble to hit. Soon the second Sha'Des reached for Meirin. With great will, Vincent hewed the Sha'Des in two and shredded it to four pieces. He charged at the second and rammed it with his right left shoulder and casted a barrier spell on Meirin.

"Deflekto Divina" Vincent conjured a golden barrier sphere around Meirin. It was good enough to protect her for a few minutes.

But the second and third Sha'Des dived at Vincent and slammed him against the ground. The fourth jumped in a reverse spinning somersault with it's claws whipping wildly towards Vincent.

Vincent couldn't move and the fourths claws are nearing. With surprising strength, he forced his left hand away, grabbed the second, and shielded him from the fourths claws. Then with his right hand, he spun Redeemer slicing the thirds back. The wound burnt at it's back, eating deeper. Sha'Des can only be destroyed with silver weapons or holy magic.

The barrier around Meirin had worn off meeting the gaze of the fourth. Vincent quickly sliced the second and third within a blink to pieces, burning away large lumps of decaying flesh. The fourth grabbed Meirin by the head and teardrops ran down her cheeks.

"Vincent...Help me." Meirin croaked.

Vincent cried furiously, charging at the fourth with Redeemer raging with divine energy, where it finally hit its mark at the fourth Sha'Des' fore head setting it in flames.

"Mistress! Are you alright?"

"Yes... But look! I can see the path!" Said Meririn, pointing at the road now clearly revealing itself beneath the horizon.

"The Origin Road." Vincent spoke and added, "This is where our journey begins."

END OF CHAPTER 7

Gabriel Gray · 12-18-2007, 03:42 AM

had a read through, has alot of potential actually. Only thought would be to perhaps add a bit more details about the fellow who gives 'meru' the bracelet, as he seemed like some crazed stalker randomly giving 'meru' a present, then into a crazed psycho

Enigmus · 12-18-2007, 03:57 AM

Chapter 8
“Holder”

Vincent and Meirin had traveled along the Origin Roadfor several hours now. The sun shone and glittered on Vincent's steel clad. It was a sunny day.

"Why is called the Origin Road?" Asked Meirin.

"It just is, and probably because back in the olden days, this was the first road
ventured by Holders as they arrive."

"Holders? You mean there are many of us?"

"Yes, as far as I remember there were two hundred sixty three holders. The first holder defeated the first lord of chaos and the one hundred and eighth holder defeated the second. Alas, the rest were not strong enough to defeat the
third and last lord, which is Lucinus. And you are the two hundred and sixty fourth holder."

"Then if all of them failed, what makes you think that I can?" doubtfully asked Meirin.

"We won't know 'till we try, mistress."

Meirin silenced and simply nodded as she strolled forward, unknown to her that what lies at the end will their quest begin.

The darkness finally devoured the remaining day light as night came. The evening winds blew, chilling and biting through Meirin's burnt and revealing uniform. She blushed whenever Vincent would sometimes stare at her; luckily, no malice exists in his eyes. She often walked cross armed hiding her exposed cleavage for the explosion burnt almost her entire dress.

Twas a long night of walking side by side. Vincent provided the lamp with his luminous body, as bright as day light. Sometimes Meirin thought if Vincent was an angel but whenever she asked, he would blankly say "Once...but I am nothing now." Such sad words for someone quite charming, Meirin thought. Vincent was a tall man, with straight flowing, deep cobalt hair. Sometimes he looked like a girl if his hair waved.

She was now a holder, a member of simple humans that whose goal was to save Ithria from total corruption, had endured and continued for long generations. Now she cannot go home. It is her mission, her goal, her destiny.

They kept on walking until it got so cold that snow flaked from the sky. Vincent caste a weak heat spell that was once mainly used for thawing ice prisons.

“Helios Divina!"

A bright orange bubble enveloped Meirin. She felt warm and cozy. It was a tough blizzard but they braved through. They kept pushing forward until they reached a dark, dense forest. There was a sign on the forest clearing saying,

"THOU SHALT NOT ENTER!"

YE FOREST ART INHABITED
BY FOUL CREATURES!
THOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!"

-Kingdom Sentry

Vincent spoke softly, “We are here."

"Where?"

"The King's Path" Vincent said in a trembling voice.

END OF CHAPTER 8

Velvet · 12-18-2007, 05:17 AM

Let me first just say; this story has a lot of potential and your imagination seems very extensive. However, there are a few problems with the story. One being; I have noticed that you repeatedly alternate from past and present tense, stick with one...

Secondly, you overload the reader with information, which isn't good. You should just give good consistent doses of information to your audience through-out, not all at once. Don't overwhelm.

Also, try to stop the unnecessary exaggeration (20 foot sword, that's just too much. What's it made out of? paper?). Watch out for the cliches too!

I was going to correct your story, but it would take too long. The grammar mistakes are simply too numerous and it would take forever. Unfortunately, not many people have the patience to read a story that has lots of mistakes. Some serious DIY correction is necessary.

BTW:

"warlock of the tenth reign" - is better =]

Good luck, all the best!