A Hero's Journey: Destiny's End - Page 2 - Writers Forum

Enigmus · 12-18-2007, 05:24 AM

Chapter 9

“Path of Death”

The Kings’ Path was once a royal route that led straight to Toradon’s main gate. However, as evil had corrupted the land, the Kings’ Path was forbidden. There, more of the fell creatures roam and hunt for human flesh. Now, only the sentries patrol there.

“So, what’s to fear in this place anyway?”

“Creatures,” Vincent said. “Like kobolds- the one that attacked you back at the wastes-
some of the dead and sometimes tainted mana constructs.

“But worry not, for I am here to protect you,” Vincent added.

She blushed at those words and made her feel secure and safe.

The forest was calm, quiet and still. Gone was the chirping of birds, rustling of leaves. Nothing. The snow had covered the treetops like hats; all they could see is the haunted road at the Kings’ Path and the white-green atmosphere.

There were many broken signboards on the roadside, along with scattering weapons stained with rust, battered armor, skeletons and such.

The wind smelt of death, and it was from all directions like the road itself is a slaughter ground for eons past.

As they progressed deeper, Vincent can sense multiple undead entities creeping amongst the winter haven, slithering like serpents beneath the white foliage; getting closer and closer. Vincent grabbed Meirin’s hand and gripped Redeemer’s hilt tightly. Then came several quick but heavy footfalls towards them and came from all directions. Closer and closer the steps sounded while tension arose in them. Numerous eyes glowed within the forest darkness; hungry they were and ready to attack the two travelers.

Vincent’s eyes like a scanner examined the forms as an army of Sha’Des. He was surprised to see this much of them. He estimated them be at least fifty-five.

Now, they were standing back to back. While Meirin trembled like a child; clinging t her father.

“Prepare yourself, mistress!”

“Lucis Espadun!” Vincent- who was once a paladin adept at sacred magic- caste a holy weapon conjuration on Meirin. A long broad golden blade streaming with liquid fire emerged from her wrist.

The first ten of the Sha’Des charged furiously, with half of them storming towards Vincent like gear less machines, their limbs turn and bend into impossible proportions in life. Quickly, Redeemer glided smoothly dancing its edge through rotten flesh, burning as it went. In a matter of minutes five Sha’Des lay burnt to ashes. One tried to claw Meirin but Redeemer simply hurled forward its abnormal chest and slashed all the way. Three ran at Meirin with mouths gaped that wreaked of death and decay. Their corroded faces stretched hideously. To her surprise, the spell sword moved on its own and sliced through them with ease. Redeemer with amazing grace and unity with its wielder flew in all directions, hacking and slashing.

“Divina Galus!” cried Vincent as he spun Redeemer wildly and created a roaring gust of holy magic. Its winds blew, cut and dissolved a great multitude of Sha’Des, sending silver and golden sparks into the air.

There were only at least twelve of the Sha’Des left, but both were already out of strength to continue the struggle. The spell blade on Meirin had worn off in dazzling lights of mana, and Vincent was almost drained of his energy after casting his last spell. They were in no condition to fight now.

One of the remaining Sha’Des jumped at Meirin but Vincent was too far away and too tired to lunge Redeemer at the abomination. It all seems like the end, when suddenly a whistling sound ripped through the air and an arrow had struck the Sha’Des. Then, several more arrows hurtled it aside. It was the sentries; firing rapid shots, raining over the eleven left, that pinned them to the ground with their silver tipped arrows. The dead wailed with pain as the silver burned their bodies and only fiery lumps of bone were left.

One of the sentries called out, “Are you the holder?”

Meirin, nauseous and weary, and unable to spit a single word with the great exhaustion, simply nodded.

End of Chapter 9

Gabriel Gray · 12-18-2007, 05:27 AM

give my one a read

Enigmus · 12-18-2007, 05:39 AM

Oh wait... I am surely crazy to just edit it all at once. My head would explode with all the pressure. I'll just edit it maybe tomorrow.

P.S.

I really liked the Beast Conjurer! I'm impressed that you didn't use cliches such as, beast master or summoner! Nice work! Can't wait what he can summon, or should i say conjure up next!

Velvet · 12-18-2007, 05:42 AM

Good luck you two

A bit of perseverance and you two will make terrific writers some day!

Enigmus · 12-18-2007, 09:17 PM

Chapter 4 coming later!

Enigmus · 12-18-2007, 11:25 PM

I have included the C T R L+F feature so that you readers out there won't have such a hard time finding all the new chapters. And in addition, i made an overall edit, which regrettably, I found man mistakes such as sentence fragments and incorrect punctuations! Thanks Velvet for reminding me of that.

Enigmus · 12-19-2007, 12:32 AM

Chapter 4 done!

DavidGil · 12-19-2007, 06:18 AM

Nothing wrong with fragments really provided they're used correctly, unless a particular sentence wasn't intended to be a fragment by you.

Enigmus · 12-21-2007, 03:21 AM

* Whistles * Can please talk more about the story? So that I can improve it more...

Enigmus · 12-21-2007, 03:56 AM

* Notable Edits and Updates *

1. Character Names have been changed. Hiru is now known as "Vincent" and Meru as "Meirin".
2. The Lord of Chaos Chapter has been edited.
3. Chapters 6 and 7 now done!
4. PLEASE COMMENT ON THE STORY ITSELF!

Enigmus · 12-22-2007, 04:18 AM

Any comments on the story IS VERY appreciated!

DavidGil · 12-22-2007, 09:02 AM

Few things first Enigmus, it helps to give others feedback first before bumping posts seeking critique. In theory, if you scratch someone else's back, they'll scratch yours but it doesn't always apply. It doesn't really matter if you feel you can critique someone else's work or not, either. I try and feel daft some of the times returning the favor to people who are more experienced as more often, my suggestions are wrong. But it's the thought that counts.

Next, I don't see why you have lines/paragraphs like this:

“You are the holder. You are the one destined to cleanse our land from Lucinus’
evil.”

Needs better formatting. In any case, before I go over it, I agree with statements given regarding warlocks of the tenth level, fully. One last thing, my comment in a post above was given to help you improve. If you learn fragments can be used (as I'm guessing you're new) it's one more tool you have at your disposal which can be used to better your writing.

Also, there's no set rule as to how long a chapter should be but your's do seem short. I'm guilty of doing it myself however but not to the same degree. I'd try to work on lengthening scenes personally.

The critique anyway:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Enigmus

Chapter 4
“Death?”

(P4)

The two were quiet over the past hours, as Vincent made a bonfire by conjuring a Fire spell from his magic sword into a small patch of deed weed.

A suggestion, simplify this to:

The two were quiet, while Vincent made (insert the rest of the text) Also, there's no need to capitalise Fire. Another suggestion, I'd watch having too many magic items or powerful ones. It's a mistake beginning fantasy writers tend to make, turning the work into a parody of a dungeons and dragons game but in book form.

“Say, how do you do that?” asked, studying Vincent’s sword.

I don't know what you missed out there. Airith perhaps?

“This sword is called Redeemer, the Immortal. I can generate all sorts of spells through The magic marks imbued in it,” Vincent answered.

No need for the capital T. I suggest simplifying to: the runes imbued on it.

See the above comment also regarding magic items.

“Can you do something cool?” Airith requested.

Maybe change this to else? I can't someone in medieval times saying that.

“Sure, mistress. Watch this,” Vincent beamed.

I'd suggest reversing the two words.

Hiru raised his sword with his left hand rested on the etched marks. Slowly, holy sparks began to buzz around the blade. twirling like fire flies, getting wild as it became a spinning foam of bluish yellow light.

Unless I'm wrong, there's an inconsistency here with the names of characters given. Airith asks Vincent to show some more magic but it is Hiru who does it. Actually, nevermind this and other such instances I flagged, you explained it in a post above. At least be thorough when you make those changes. A suggestion: They twirled like fire flies, getting wilder as it became a spinning form of bluish, yellow light.

It takes another word, but sometimes more is best.

“Devos Norum!” Vincent shouted.

I'd reverse the two again.

With that, Vincent slashed the air, creating a strong drill-like shock wave of spiral blue gold flame, sucking up huge amounts of dust and dirt like a furious hurricane and finally exploding, sending bits of mana flickering in the air, when it’s duration expired and leaving a large burnt area of ashes.

Break it up. A good word count for sentences in my view is 30-40 words max. Shorter is better though. I do accept the odd one is needed to be longer though. Anyway, the suggestion:

With that, Vincent slashed the air. He created a strong drill-like shock wave of blue gold flame. It sucked up huge amounts of dust and dirt like a hurricane. Finally, it exploded. Bits of flickering mana were sent hurtling through the air, when it had ended. Only a large area of ash remained in it's stead.

“Incredible,” Airith gasped with disbelief, and then clapped with amazement.

Reverse the two again. Not too sure and is needed either.

Vincent smiled when he saw Airith laughed with joy. It reminded him of something dear and precious to him back at the old days that still haunts him.

Laugh. Not too sure joy is needed either but I won't pull it. A suggestion:

It reminded him of something dear and precious to him back in the old days, (I assume he lost it? You could mention it here if that's the case.) which still haunted him.

“Hiru, can I ask a question?” Airith asked.

Vincent goes by two names?

“What is it, mistress?” Vincent said with a grin.

I'd suggest changing to asked.

“What are you?” Airith continued.

“I am human like yourself. Can you not see?” Vincent said in a stern voice.

“I know, but haven’t you seen yourself lately? I mean, why is it that you do not have eyes?

"All I can see are fuming white spaces, and your face seems cold and pale.” Meru objected.

“What?! How could this-” Vincent exclaimed in disbelief, but silenced as he saw his deathly reflection on his shining steel gauntlet. His face was ghostly white and replaced the cheerfulness in him. He touched his face and it was cold, dead cold, and he did not have irises, but just white gassy eyes.

Suggest removing. It would need to be shiny for a reflection to be seen. Also, whenever you use a word ending in ly, see if you can rewrite it. It doesn't mean all ly words are bad though. Just something to remember.

A suggestion:

He touched his face and it was cold to the touch. He did not have irises; instead they were replaced by grassy, white eyes. (note: not too sure on the semi colon use.)

Having insight of his condemned state, tears began to seep out of his gaseous eyes down his cheeks. Airith watched them trickle from his face to the ground as they sparkled like crystals. Both were shocked,when a fume with the bitter smell of sulfur arose from the wet tears that splattered on the ground. Vincent was speechless but for Airith…

For the future, make sure you take the time to get everything correct before posting. You forgot to put a space where the comma is. Granted, it's a little thing but everything reflects on you as the author. It's only the one instance unlike other works I see, but I wanted to flag it for future pieces you post.

(was everyone speechless? In that case you could change it to my suggestion) Everyone was speechless, except Arith...

“Your tears… are like acid,” she said in awe.

Alright, this post isn't meant to dissuade you. But I do firmly believe writers need a thick skin to accept criticism, unless its given for the wrong reasons. Keep writing and do read as well, despite how much I've flagged. Set yourself a target to reduce the number of instances that get flagged with your next piece. If you don't meet it, try again.

Lastly, I might go through the rest if you want me to (no guarantees), but for now I want to get back to writing. Hope it helps at least somewhat.

Enigmus · 12-22-2007, 08:02 PM

Oh, thanks very much!

Randomthought31 · 12-23-2007, 01:05 AM

It's a good story, with lots of potential, but I only managed to read the first half of the proglougef. I had trouble understanding what it was trying to say due to the exstensiveness of the grammatical errors. Once you clean that all up a bit, I'll read it more later.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do to it.

Enigmus · 12-23-2007, 01:17 AM

Can you please spot one of the errors? Because all i can see are missing words, and i've edited them.