"Armored Angel" (a fragment of a chapter only) - Writers Forum

Greed · 12-07-2007, 07:37 AM

BACK STORY

The year is 2027. Genetic manipulation has evolved to possibilites that noone ever thought possible. Canisters of chemical compounds engineered to rearrange D.N.A have been haphazardly handled and thus, leaked into the natural world. When this outbreak occurs scientists predict a breakdown of the entire structure of nature. However, the end result is an age where the wildlife is stronger and more cunning in it's bloodlust then any that have preceded it. The world has been devided. Smaller countries have been consumed and retaken by the advancing tide of nature. The United States fights to keep order and structure in it's society. Yet, from inside, the mysterious economic entity that engineered the compounds that altered our world seeks to alter the very fabric of humanity itself. They are known as the Corperation and the United States must stop them and their genetic manipulations while a shred of our humanity still remain. Welcome to a natural hell. Welcome to Geoshock.

Chapter 1: Armored Angel (incomplete)

Adam slipped into the vast, cavernous, room careful to make himself inaudible and unnoticeable even to the dust that seemed to permeate the air. When he had cleared the room he crept into a dark corner and leaned uneasily against the wall. Wincing, he looked down at his chest. Through the alloy viewplate of his helmet he saw six bullets steaming through the holes they had rent in his armor.

Adam sighed, he hated it when they damaged his armor. Not only was his suit the single most expensive project the fractured U.S. Military had ever undertaken, but it was also intricate and damn hard to repair. Also, he thought to himself with a laugh, it just looked kick ass. After prying each bullet out of the chest plates in his armor he stood up with a suppressed groan and spoke into the microphone concealed within his helmet.

“Run systems check,” He stated calmly.

“All systems online. Internal temperature is seventy-six degrees fareignheit. Armor damage is at four percent.” Came the reply a split-second later.“ Adam,” the voice continued, “ I estimate you have a maximum of two full minutes until you are found.”

Adam frowned, he hated that damn computer and how it incessantly brought bad news. “Let’s get moving then.” He sighed, reluctant to move from his place only to be shot at again. It was then that Adam looked at his M18 assault rifle’s ammo counter; empty. “fine,” Adam grumbled, “we’ll do this the hard way.” As he went to set the rifle on the floor he heard a door slam open ahead of him. Rolling to the left and drawing his military issue Glock he took cover behind a stack of steel crates and held his breath. From what he heard it sounded like only one person had entered. “Sloppy,” Adam muttered, “ for a military installation these guys are unbelievably disorganized.” Peering over the crates Adam confirmed what his ears had told him. One man stood in the room armed with a standard nine millimeter that he held in a shaking hand in front of him. “Unbelievable,” he muttered again, “one man to deal with me. That’s just insulting.” Rolling to his feet and walking out from behind the crates he slammed a clip of incendiary rounds into the weapon and cocked it.

The guard’s head snapped around to stare directly at Adam and immediately his eyes grew wide. Adam was banking on the man being too scared to even think about firing his weapon and so far it appeared he had been right. Not that it would matter anyway, he thought to himself, the hollow points in that sad little toy wouldn’t even scratch his armor let alone hurt him. “I’m not gonna hurt you.” Adam spoke through the mike in his helmet. “The corporation has claimed enough lives already, now drop the gun and I’ll consider rescuing you from this shithole.”

The man started to tremble violently. “S-stay where you are!” the man stammered “I’ve gotta kill you! They’ll kill me!” he said. He’d started to yell now and Adam did not want this fool to bring more security down on their heads so he started to level his pistol to silence the guard when the man’s eyes rolled back in his head, and he crumpled, screaming to the floor. Adam rushed over and tried to quiet him but one look at the pitiful creature on the floor told him it was useless. Running from one side of the back of the man’s neck to the other was a huge, thick, ropelike scar that was oozing droplets of blood. Adam had seen this before. The corporation’s “chop-shop” was infamous for it’s back-alley genetic alterations. This guard had had an artificial gland grafted directly to his spinal chord. The gland produced a natural steroid that enhances aggression and combat performance, for a year or two. After that the gland would corrode and take the helpless victim’s nervous system with it. Eventually these operations would cause hallucinations, seizures, and eventual death. Evidently the tradeoff had been worth it to this man.

Sighing, Adam knelt down next to the writhing form and drew his Glock. “You honor your duty. It’s a pity, but you chose the wrong side.” He said softly. Adam flicked the safety off, slid the barrel into the floundering man’s mouth, and tugged the trigger. A mercy, Adam thought bitterly, more then his side would do for me.

(for some reason i cant get the paragraph seperation to stay on sorry)

Greed · 12-07-2007, 07:53 AM

leave feedback

Arooo3 · 12-13-2007, 04:51 PM

It is a great story and it is very well written. I'll put it in red where I changed it.

Quote""Adam slipped into the vast, cavernous, room careful to make himself inaudible and unnoticeable even to the dust that seemed to penetrate the air. When he had cleared the room he crept into a dark corner and leaned uneasily against the wall. Wincing, he looked down at his chest. Through the alloy viewplate of his helmet he saw six bullets steaming through the holes they had made in his armor.
Adam sighed, he hated it when they damaged his armor. Not only was his suit the single most expensive project the fractured U.S. Military had ever undertaken, but it was also intricate and a hellhole to repair. Also, he thought to himself with a laugh, it just looked kick ass. After prying each bullet out of the chest plates in his armor he stood up with a inward groan and spoke into the microphone concealed within his helmet.

“Run systems check,” He stated as calmly as he could at the minute.

“All systems online. Internal temperature is seventy-six degrees fareignheit. Armor damage is at four percent.” Came the reply a split-second later.“ Adam,” the voice continued, “ I estimate you have a maximum of two full minutes until you are found.”

Adam frowned, he hated that fucking machine and how it incessantly brought bad news. “Let’s get moving then.” He sighed, reluctant to move from his place only to be shot at again. It was then that Adam looked at his M18 assault rifle’s ammo counter; empty. “Fine,” Adam grumbled, “we’ll do this the hard way.” As he went to set the rifle on the floor he heard a door slam open ahead of him. Rolling to the left and drawing his military issue automatic M18 he took cover behind a stack of steel crates and held his breath. From what he heard it sounded like only one person had entered. "Unbelievable," Adam muttered, “ for a military installation these guys are completely disorganized.” Peering over the crates Adam confirmed what his ears had already told him. One man stood in the room armed with a standard nine millimeter that he held in a shaking hand in front of him. “Unbelievable,” he muttered again, “one man to deal with me. That’s just insulting.” Rolling stiffly to his feet and walking out from behind the crates he slammed a clip of incendiary rounds into the weapon and cocked it.

The guard’s head snapped around to stare directly at Adam and immediately his eyes grew wide and frightened. Adam was banking on the man being too scared to even think about firing his weapon and so far it appeared he had been right. Not that it would matter anyway, he thought to himself, the sharp, hollow points in that sad little toy wouldn’t even scratch his armor let alone hurt him. “I’m not gonna hurt you.” Adam spoke through the mike in his helmet. “The corporation has claimed enough lives already, now drop the gun and I’ll consider rescuing you from this damn shithole.”

The man started to tremble violently. “S-stay where you are!” the man stammered. “I’ve gotta kill you! They’ll kill me if I don't!” he screamed. He’d started to yell now and Adam did not want this fool to bring more security down on his head so he started to level his pistol to silence the guard when the man’s eyes rolled back in his head, and he crumpled, screaming pitifully to the floor. Adam rushed over and tried to quiet him but one look at the pitiful guard on the floor told him it was useless. Running from one side of the back of the man’s neck to the other was a huge, thick, ropelike scar that was oozing miniscule droplets of blood. Adam had seen this before. The corporation’s “chop-shop” was infamous for it’s back-alley genetic alterations. This guard had had an artificial gland grafted directly to his spinal chord. The gland produced a natural steroid that enhances aggression and combat performance, for a year or two. After that the gland would corrode and take the helpless victim’s nervous system with it. Eventually these operations would cause hallucinations, seizures, and eventual death. Evidently the trade off had been worth it to this man.

Sighing, Adam knelt down next to the writhing form and drew his M18. “You honor your duty. It’s a pity, but you chose the wrong side.” He said chuckled softly. Adam flicked the safety off, slid the barrel into the floundering man’s mouth, and tugged the trigger. A mercy, Adam thought bitterly, more then his side would do for me.""Quote

Arooo3 · 12-13-2007, 04:57 PM

I forgot to say I think that the next part should be a mysterious man on a stage that Adam is supposed to kill. The man would be a big shot on stage that is an important influence in the chop-shop. He would be giving a performance as Adam puts the bullet in his head and then runs to safety.

Cefor · 12-14-2007, 05:44 PM

<rant>

I'm terribly sorry, but why on earth did Arooo change some of the words to things that mean exactly the same.... and do nothing for the story? In fact you even change the way the character is acting, as the author intended, with some of your comments.... it's totally unneeded. The one I found the worst, however, was that you changed 'Glock' to 'M18'... WHY?

A glock is the most used police force/military handgun in the world. It's reliable and probably a good shot, that's why it's used so much. Why change it? No need what so ever. You say

chose the wrong side.” He said chuckled softly.

Doesn't make sense as 'he said chuckled softly' is wrong... and how the hell do you know he is chuckling? How do you know that Greed wanted him to be laughing as he said it? Do you know how the character is supposed to act? NO only Greed does. And also he wouldn't be laughing at the man he's paying a mercy like that to... that would be unmerciful.

'Fucking machine' also doesn't cut it, one) you used a curse, did Greed want that? No probably not because he chose not to in the first place, and Two) It is a machine yes, but so is a tin opener.... but that can't do what a computer does, why change it?

You changed the way the character spoke! WHY ON EARTH DID YOU DO THAT?!?!?!?!?

Look, as you can tell it makes me feel slightly miffed that you deem yourself worthy to be able to just change the way the character acts....

Ahem, if he is a trained killer he probably wouldn't 'roll stiffly', in fact he just wouldn't at all.... he would be in prime condition...

He might not be frightened... he doesn't seem like the man who would be frightened, because he's a killer.

'Damn shithole' Damn just breaks the flow of the speech, pointless to add in...

Creature was fine, no need to put guard really, creature adds to the fact he's pitiful.

Would the droplets be miniscule? It's his neck for goodness sake...

The next part is really up to Greed.

Now Greed, sorry for my rant... I don't usually but I got a bit annoyed.

Great opening for the rest of your story. I'd love to read the rest when you write and post it...

Keep it up
Cefor

P.S: Arooo if you say: It is a great story and it is very well written. I'll put it in red where I changed it.
Why change it if you think its very well written? IT MAKES NO SENSE. Sheesh...

</rant>

EDIT: LMAO when I searched google for 'M18 handgun' the first few things are all tazers... now what the hell would Adam do with a tazer against 9mm wielding opponents? He'd never get close enough. Hehehehe found that funny, oh and there is admittedly a reference to US Socom bladeblah but I reckon that if a game has it on it's not always the right name...

And then if you check wikipedia (I know it's not always the right information but still) and go to 'M18 Handgun' again you will find an article about a list of US armed forces weapons.... no where what so ever does it mention a M18 handgun. Now what it does mention is a Glock 19, which is the official sidearm to Air Force pilots... Now why would they give them a sidearm inferior (for the purpose of a sidearm for pilots) to another, i.e your imaginary M18?

There.
/rant again

Arooo3 · 12-15-2007, 03:30 PM

Look, I can post what I want. I don't need your help to make up my mind. I didn't tell Greed that he had to USE my suggestions. It would also be his choice if he did, NOT YOURS!! You can make any comments you want about other peoples stories and I don't stop you, so why stop me!!! Oh, and for he said chuckled softly it was a typo!!! It was meant to be he chuckled softly! Or have you never made a mistake before, because you ovbiously think your advice is better than mine!!!!!!

Sincerly,

Wilem · 12-15-2007, 05:23 PM

Awesome start, makes you want to read on. Very nice descriptions, keep going

.

Cefor · 12-16-2007, 04:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Arooo3

Look, I can post what I want. I don't need your help to make up my mind. I didn't tell Greed that he had to USE my suggestions. It would also be his choice if he did, NOT YOURS!! You can make any comments you want about other peoples stories and I don't stop you, so why stop me!!! Oh, and for he said chuckled softly it was a typo!!! It was meant to be he chuckled softly! Or have you never made a mistake before, because you ovbiously think your advice is better than mine!!!!!!

Sincerly,

Yes you can post what you want, and I can post what I want.

I don't make a habit of it at all, but for some reason everything that I mentioned in my post just irritated me so I decided to act upon it.

Oh and usually I don't go through someone's post and change the way they write! I normally say what I liked about it, and encourage them to go on and finish the great story they have started to write. Unless of course I don't think that, then I say what I don't like, and then say what I thought let it down. Just stuff to help them, but nothing that would say to them
"Look I think your writing is so bad I'm gunna change things to something completely different!"

But whatever, you do what you like, I don't mind that much.

So let's just drop it now, I don't want a flame war thanks very much, still licking my wounds from Paintballing today.

Gabriel Gray · 12-17-2007, 05:43 AM

now, why don't i get this kind of feedback on my posts

i thought it had a very interesting idea behind it all, very well thought out. I saw a problem i often see with some of my own work, where i've been in the 'moment' I would make silly spelling errors etc, which i think Aroo3 was just trying to point out.

I'm not normally into these kind of stories, but if you were to follow this up with another thread, I'm pretty sure I'd give it a read over. Well done.

Greed · 12-19-2007, 09:31 AM

First, let me thank all of you for the feedback and know that I do appreciate all of it. Secondly, Arooo some of the edits do help (mostly the gramatical ones as I am a creative writer and worry about spelling and grammar after the fun part is over.) Thirdly, Cefor I appreciate the defense of my original design and yes, Glocks are the single most widely used handgun ever made for the simple fact that you can beat the living hell out of them and your shot is not compromised. I appreciate all constructive critiques and will post more of the story later. Cheers

Cefor · 12-19-2007, 10:26 AM

Great, I'm looking forward to being able to read more!

Greed · 04-15-2008, 11:37 AM

Finally! I have more! OK, you scaly manfishes this is the end of the prologue, please, do not hesitiate to insult it if it is deserving.

Twenty minutes later Adam was sprinting across the dark, steel roof of the complex, the light of a half moon glittering across his scratched and dented armor. Three minutes he thought to himself, immediately redoubling his pace. He hated his job, he had three minutes to locate and neutralize his target before it got up and walked away and couldn’t be reached again for ten more years.
He slowed, allowing himself a moment to chuckle at his use of the military term. Reached; the target must be reached. He had always thought that had sounded too professional for what he was paid to do.
Skidding to a halt at the brim of a sunroof the size of a football field Adam let out a soft whistle. “Arrogant bastards.” He muttered. Adam dropped his hands to his sides and took a deep breath. So much for the element of surprise he thought to himself. Drawing in one last deep breath he leapt forward and dropped through the tempered glass and falling with a horrendous crash to the floor, fifty feet below.
Brushing shards of the shattered mess off of his shoulders Adam stood up, allowing himself an exhilarated smile.
He was still smiling when the man hiding in the shadows slipped a blade into the chink of Adam’s suit, twisted, and let him fall with a wet splat to the floor.

Maetrix66 · 04-15-2008, 12:42 PM

Nice start!

I can only find two sentences that you may want to take a look at.

Quote:

He was still smiling when the man hiding in the shadows slipped a blade into the chink of Adam’s suit, twisted, tore out his spine, and let him fall with a wet splat too the floor.

Not sure how he would rip his spine out with a knife blade driven into a seam in his armor. I know you were going for a visceral ending to Adam's life here, but I think the best the assasin could do would be to sever the spinal cord/column. I know it's a nitpick, but there's very little wrong with the piece. The other is below.

Quote:

“You honor your duty. It’s a pity, but you chose the wrong side.”

This line of dialog disrupted my reading as I passed over it. It felt like it could be, "I honor your duty". I know that duty can be either a noun or a verb, so it still works, the line is just a little cumbersome.

The piece in it's entirety is well written, and flowed properly. The sad thing is that if this had been poorly written, the sentences that stuck out to me would have blended into the framework, so to speak.

In all it is a very good start. I like the genetic engineering angle. We as a species can't seem to be able to leave well enough alone.

Ungood · 04-15-2008, 01:18 PM

Not bad... not bad at all... somethings felt "Off"... but... nothing major...

PS: The Military never tries for "Kick Ass" they try for "Form Follows Function" which may LOOK Kick Ass... if that was your intention...

All things said and done... looks great!

Ungood.

Greed · 04-16-2008, 11:13 AM

Cheers. As far as things go i'm still in the concept stages for alot of things to come. I as an Army M.P. am aware that the military as a whole strikes with efficiency as apposed to a spray of bulllets and a prayer, yet, Adam was not the standard military unit, nor will his replacements be. The "man" in the shadows is vitally important to the plot as a whole and let me tell you now, he is THE thing that goes bump in the night.