Something that just came to me (fantasy) - WritingForums.com - Writing Forums, Writing Challenges, Critiques and Help for Writers

stereomuse · 12-07-2007, 03:41 AM

I was sitting around browsing the internet and a character popped into my head. It's probably not that evident what motivates him through this little bit of story, but i have a vivid picturein my mind of his childhood and what inspires him to act as he does in this exerpt. So, this is just a little piece i threw together to try and get the guy on paper and flesh him out, its more of a character study than real piece of plot. OR you could just call it an action scene, either one. more to come later if it the inspiration is still there in the morning.

Sam threw himself into the arms of the enemy. Diving headlong into the opposing formation and knocking down several armored men in the process. His size and sheer strength prevailed as he stayed on his feet and swung a sword bigger than anything they were used to into their ranks. Startled at this sudden and unexpectedly brutal assault, they stood frozen in shock for a few moments. A few moments were all he needed to take down no less than eight of them, their number cut almost in half. As they regained their composure Sam, now in blood red battle frenzy, grabbed one by the neck, hoisted him off the ground, an action which broke his neck, and threw him at another, knocking that one unconscious. Half of them were dead and he hadn’t even gotten dirty.

Sam stood at least a foot taller than most of them, had more muscle than three of them combined, and had one thing none of them owned, nothing to lose. This was what he lived for. Taking no account of his personal wellbeing, he chopped, slashed, kicked, head-butted, did all he could to kill anything within arm’s reach. Proving himself always. Always needing too. The rest of his party stood back in awe, not wanting to get to close for fear they might get caught in that deadly twister. This was the first time they had seen him fight. And it was terrifying. He acted like a bull, and a red sheet was covering his eyes; blindly ramming and chopping anything that stood against him.

Only five left, and the only wounds he’d suffered were a shallow cut across his cheek, and a gash on his shoulder in the divot above his shoulder plate. A good fight. The remaining defenders had reformed and now held themselves in tight formation, slowly backing away. They were shaking. He paused a moment, looked at the bodies at his feet, and grinned. The heat of battle quickly dying down, exhaustion began to set in. “That’s good, good enough for today,” he spoke softly, almost to himself, almost peacefully. He cocked his shoulder, raised his sword, which was nearly as long as he was tall, and thick as a tree trunk, and hurled it at the group. It spun at them with the momentum of a falling boulder and chopped clean threw the armor of two, sticking in one’s ribs. Sam turned to look at the party behind him. “Feel free…” He gestured at the remainder. Jacob and Tiny Bart both jerked upright, armed their bows, and fired arrows into two of their throats. The last fainted.

Elenmmare · 12-07-2007, 06:08 AM

I don't think Sam's a nice guy...

Good scene though- well written. You have a bit of mistakes, for example:

...As they regained their composer Sam, now in blood red battle frenzy,...

Should have been:

...As they regained their composure, Sam, now in blood red battle frenzy,...

Aside from that, its a good little snippet. It'd be cool if you actually made this into a really story, and describe why the party is killing all those poor, innocent soldiers.

Greed · 12-07-2007, 08:58 AM

Why? There's no need for why. The party probably just had a few free hours in between shifts and said "Hey, what could be more fun then sittin around eatin mutton, aye?" However, it is an interesting start. Please, write more.

stereomuse · 12-08-2007, 07:24 PM

haha, thanks. actually in my mind's eye sam is a very pleasent and sweet person, its only in battle when he gets all medieval on peoples asses. and thanks for the little grammar pick up i doubt i wouldve caught that one even on a reread.

GabrielleCornwell · 12-08-2007, 07:31 PM

That was a lovely scene. Very violent. *grins* You had a few grammar mistakes, as Elenmmare pointed out above, but otherwise it was terrific. Don't you just love it when the characters suddenly pop into your head? I do....makes for a good story.

Oh - and I'd love to see more.

~ GC

stereomuse · 07-17-2008, 02:36 AM

Here's chapter 2. its been kind of a while but whatever, creativity strikes when it does.
~~~~~~~~~
He was sitting in front of the small fire, chewing on a hunk of dried meat when Tiny Bart sat down next to him. “Quite the fight,” said Bart. Sam nodded.

“I’m thinking about cutting my hair. Chopping it all off. What do you think?”

Bart raised his eyebrows, “This for the ladies? Or do you want to keep that rats nest out of your eyes in a scuffle? Because I gotta say, I’m not sure that it’s that much of a problem. Unless you’re talking about the ladies of course, then we’re in trouble.”

Sam smiled, “I like the way Jake wears his. Do you know how to cut hair?"

“Not a clue,”
He nodded as if Bart had just given some profound answer, “I’ll see if one of the girls know,”

At this Sam stood up, stuffed the hunk of meat back in his pocket, and headed back to join the others. Bart sighed. ‘odd man’ he thought to himself. He took a piss and rejoined the group, the girls trying carry more firewood than they could handle. Clutching at the cumbersome piles as every few seconds a log would fall to the ground and one of them would have to stop and pick it up.

“Don’t hurt yourselves. If one of you throws your back out the other one has to take care of her, and then who’s going to rub my weary feet at night? I’m not letting Jacob get close to them after what happened last time.”

“Very funny, Bart. Now are you going to help us or do I have to tie you to a tree all night again.” Said Keri

“I’ll help. But you can still tie me to the tree if you want.” They rolled their eyes as Bart took Kristie’s load.

After the fire was made to an adequate size, and the gazelle Bradford had brought down was skinned and roasting comfortably on a stick, they all sat down and talked quietly about simple things. All except for Sam.

“Where’d the big guy go?” asked Jacob.

“I saw him wander off down the trail to the creek. Looked a bit somber, I didn’t feel like bothering him,” replied Bradford right before he tore into a perfectly cooked hunk of gazelle leg.

"He’s an odd one,” said Bart, voicing his earlier thoughts, “I mean, one hell of a man to have your back, but he’s just… a little off.” Eating a less perfectly cooked hunk of gazelle leg.

“How do you think?”

“I don’t know. Earlier, right after the fight, I tried to talk to him about it. All he did was start rambling about his hair, then he wandered off-“

“He asked me if I knew how to cut hair!”Kristie interrupted.

“He certainly puts all of himself into a battle. From what I’ve seen at least,” Keri said off handedly. They all grumbled in agreement.

“Speaking of trouble!” Jacob said as he saw Sam emerge from the woods,

“Have some Gazelle big guy, just don’t let Bart cook it for you,”

“What? I like it crispy,”

“So, you never told us how far you’d be traveling with us Sam,” said Bradford. In the tavern you just said you were going south.

“I’ll part ways around Kings Valley. So about, 2 weeks I suppose, depending on our pace.”

“Do you have family there? In Bramos?” Kristie asked.

“No, not the capital. I’m going to Tariport, and then to The Fingers. I have-” his eye twitched, no one caught it except for Bart, “-A family obligation.”He got up, sliced off a piece of meat from the gazelle, and began to eat through with complete concentration.

“Oh, well were glad to have you for that long. You certainly knew how to handle that patrol this morning. Where did you learn your style of swordplay? I couldn’t recognize it from any of the classical schools. I saw a bit of SantoSantano’s elegant footwork, as well as some Gargaros strong chopping, and of course the deadly use of feet, hands, and impressively the head, of the Broshta Mountain Kingdom’s popular style. Who was your tutor?”

“Not everyone learns to fight in a classroom, Bradford.” Jacob said.

“Well I just assumed since he took out so many. It’s hard to kill over ten heavily armed men, all focused on only you, with only a brawler’s training.”

“I taught myself,” Sam said, “I’m just, stronger than most of them.”

“That’s for sure,” Bart stood up and stretched his legs, “Look at that the Sun’s down already. I’ll get first watch!”

“Bastard always gets first watch,” mumbled Jacob. Tiny Bart picked up his short sword and his bow and arrows, flung them around his back, then proceeded over to his makeshift post against a tree. He put the weapons down and walked farther back into the forest to relieve himself on some lucky piece of nature. As he walked into a particularly dark alcove fit for his purpose, his shoulder brushed into something cold and smooth. He looked over only in time to see the silver suits of armor marching through the underbrush, that all too familiar black and gold insignia smiling at him from their breasts. Then a horned fist coming from nowhere and smashing him into oblivion.

Candrah · 07-17-2008, 02:25 PM

Your writing is solid enough and the story is reasonably interesting, if a bit cliched on the characters - women carrying firewood, men carrying swords...

Not really my cup of tea but its good for what it is.

stereomuse · 07-17-2008, 02:42 PM

thats honestly just circumstantial with the scene. The women both fight as well.

Candrah · 07-17-2008, 02:48 PM

Ah. Ok, I take back what I said about the characters being cliched

SparkyLT · 07-18-2008, 06:07 PM

I like it, and I can't find any typos\grammatical problems, but I'm not too good at that. And WOW - smashed to oblivion. That came outta nowhere. I love it when a writer suprises me. Look forward to the next chapter!

stereomuse · 07-27-2008, 02:59 PM

thanks! i really didnt know how to end it so i just kept writing until it came to me and that popped into my head and seemed like the perfect ending to the chapter.