I am Legion (Fantasy, military) - Writers Forum

Kittenification · 11-20-2007, 08:58 PM

I graduated last year, and I'm currently taking a year off before going to college, and I decided I would try to write as much as I can, for the sake of improving my writing. If you should choose to offer critique, please endeavor to be as honest and blunt as possible.
Without further ado, the first half of chapter one....
************************************************** ***************************

“Tristram. Tristram. TRISTRAM!” Eyes snapping open, Tristram Galloway glanced about himself quickly, his eyes settling on his cousin, standing over him.
“Is there a problem Conor, or are you just waking me to make sure I still know my name?”

Walking over to the window, Conor threw the shutters open, and morning sun streamed into the room. “We best get on our way fairly soon, that is, if you still want to reach the university by tonight.”
Yawning, Tristram rolled off the narrow bed and stood. “How far from it are we? And more importantly, where is breakfast?”
“Downstairs and thirteen miles, respectively.” replied Conor. “Now hurry and dress, I think this inn has fresh baked bread and honey among other things, and I for one, would like some good food for once, instead of all the trail bread we‘ve been eating.”
“Fine. Go eat your bread and honey, I’ll be with you in a moment.”

Grinning, Conor left quickly, thundering down the stairs to the inn’s main room. Tristram pulled on some tough canvas pants and a shirt that was a little tight, but still serviceable. As he fastened his belt, he examined his reflection. Long hair, so pale blonde it was nearly white, framed a narrow face, with surprisingly tan skin in contrast to his light grey eyes. More than any other feature on his face, however, his lips stood out, a deep scarlet outline around his teeth. Flashing himself a quick grin, he tied his hair back at the nape of his neck with a leather cord, yanked on his soft deerhide boots, and followed Conor down to breakfast.

The inn was fairly quiet. Other than Conor, who was stashing a loaf of bread and a small jar of honey in his bag, there were only three people- the innkeeper, his daughter, and another boy who looked to be about the same age as Tristram and Conor. Sitting down at the table with Conor, Tristram quickly slathered a piece of bread with honey and bit into it, jerking his head towards the boy in the corner, raising an eyebrow questioningly. “I don’t know who he is,” said Conor “but I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s on his way to the university too.”

Finishing his mouthful, Tristram nodded “Yeah, that’s what I was thinking. We should see if he wants to travel with us.”
“Assuming he’s going the same way as us of course.”
“Well yes. Go ask him to come over here”
Standing, Conor walked over to the boy, who nodded, acknowledging him as he sat. After they spoke briefly, both stood and came back over to where Tristram sat “Tristram, this is Padraig. He’s from the Kavanaughs, round north of your family’s lands. Padraig, This is my cousin Tristram.”
“Sounds good then.” Padraig replied “And what skills would a pair like you be bringing to university?”
Tristram frowned slightly. Every human in Tourmos had one special, magical ability, often affected by heredity or personality, but his was still unknown to him. Admittedly, there were plenty of people his age in the same category, but it was still irritating to be surrounded by people with magical abilities when he had none yet. “Languages.” Conor’s answer startled Tristram out of his reverie, and he blinked startled “I speak them all. Tristram here doesn’t know his skill yet, but I’m sure it’ll be good. A lot of his family has flight.”
Padraig nodded “Hopefully you can learn something about it at the university. As for myself, I work metal without flame or hammer.”

“Speaking of the university, we should probably leave soon. Lets all get our stuff and meet outside.” said Tristram, walking toward the stairs.
Upstairs, he stuffed the few belongings strewn about the room into his bag before shouldering it and walking outside to meet the other boys.

For a long time they walked, and distracted themselves from the journey by talking and joking the whole time, stopping by a small river halfway through the day to rest and eat. While they sat, Padraig pulled a bar of steel from his bag and began to mold it as if it were clay. “My father told me that the canyon we have to traverse next is a popular place for bandits. Is either of you good with any sort of weapon?”
“I have no real experience in close fighting” replied Tristram. “Conor is surprisingly good with most heavy weapons” At this, Conor grinned and flexed. While he looked frail because of his fine features, he had strong muscular shoulders, and his short razored hair made him look more like a bandit than the nobles son he was. His blue eyes reflecting the water, he looked at the metal Padraig was shaping “If I find good bits of wood, can you make me a pair of axes?” he asked, already looking around.
“Of course” replied Padraig. “and while you are looking, try to find something about as tall as me, straight, and thick enough to grip comfortably.”

Tristram frowned. Apparently he was useless. “I’ll just swim awhile then” he mumbled before stripping down and diving into the icy stream. Instantly he was swept downstream, so quickly he almost lost control until he caught a hold on a bridge support and hauled himself out. When he got back to where Padraig sat, he found a braided sling sitting on his clothes “Your cousin mentioned you’re a good shot with most ranged weapons and I remembered that I had that” he gestured towards the sling “on my belt. I figured that if me and him are armed, then you ought to be too.” said Padraig.
“Well… thanks.” said Tristram.

As he practiced using the sling with rocks, Conor swung his axes around a bit. They were identical in size and shape, each with a crescent shaped blade on the front and a triangular spike on the back. Meanwhile Padraig was putting a hole through the tip end of his spear shaft. Once he finished he made metal flow through it before molding a large, broad-bladed spearhead. “Right” said Tristram. “lets go.”

Shortly after leaving the river, they arrived at the canyon, which, considering its bad reputation looked surprisingly cheery, filled with wildflowers and rabbits. “Alright, we don’t actually know if we’ll get attacked at all, so just keep your eyes open” said Conor.
Even as he finished saying this, they heard quick footsteps behind them and turned to see a small, wiry man with thin black hair down to his shoulders, and sabre in his left hand.
“Hello boys. Those are certainly some awful large and… heavy looking… bags. Want a hand with them then?” As he spoke, Tristram picked up a rock, placing it in the sling’s pouch. “We’re fine thinks.” replied Conor “Just go on your way and we’ll go on ours.”
“Ah, but that I could young sir. You see, however, my… religion, requires that I protect those who walk through… danger and you and your… compatriots are such individuals, so I can hardly leave you… unwatched.”
The man stepped closer, sheathing his sabre “Trust me lads… there’s plenty worse than me down this trail, and you’ll be happy for my aid before the end. All I ask is that if ever you are asked about the virtue of a man called Sinister Jack, you remember that I did well by you.”

After a long silence, Padraig muttered “ah, just bring him, who knows, maybe he isn’t even lying… but I doubt it.”
So they continued their walk down the canyon, Jack in the lead, then Padraig, and finally Tristram and Conor, walking abreast. As they approached the end of the canyon, however, a voice rang out from above “Jack! So good to see you in these parts again. How is being old treating you? I assume you are senile? Because if you weren’t, you would remember what I said would happen to you if you were here again.”

Jack winced and turned to the boys “I hoped that my presence would keep the other bandits… away, but Taylor up there is the only one of them who might be able to beat me, so they feel brave. I’m sorry you three have to be here for this. Bandit power struggles are not… pleasant.” Then, standing, he walked to the center of the canyon “Taylor Garos, I challenge your… right to stop these travelers. Do you persist?”

In reply, a rope dropped from the lip of the canyon, and a figure slid down it “Why yes Jack. I do.” Taylor was tall and muscular, with bright red hair. He wore fire blackened plate armour over his upper body and a red cloak, in his right hand he held a long slender blade.
“Alright lad. But for your second, I name Talia.” Taylor’s face froze momentarily at Jack's words before he regained his arrogant sneer “But of course. And for yours, I choose the child with the sling.” Jack bowed his head
“alright. Allow me to explain the rules to him. Then we begin.” Taking Tristram to the side he spoke quickly and quietly “In a bandit duel, each man chooses his opponent’s second. He chose you because he thinks you will be a pushover. We will fight with melee weapons in alternating rounds until one team has three wins or two kills. At the start of the match you declare all weapons, and your skill.”

Tristram stood, stupefied. He was vaguely aware of Padraig pushing the spear into his hand, then he stood across from Taylor and a pretty woman with a missing hand who he assumed was the bandit leader’s wife. Taylor stepped forward and shouted “I am Taylor Garos. I bear this longsword, and my skill is the manipulation and creation of fire.”
As he stepped back, Jack stepped forward “My name is Jack… Sinestra May. I bear this… sabre. My skill is short ranged teleportation.”
Then Taylor’s wife “I am Talia Garos. I bear this cutlass, and my ability is the detection of the undead.”
Suddenly everyone was looking at Tristram. He stepped forward, faltered, and then called out “My name is Tristram Galloway. I bear this spear, and my talent is, as yet, unknown.”

As he finished, he heard some of the bandits up in the cliffs laugh, and he flushed with embarrassment.
“Alright boys and girls, we want a nice dirty fight. Round one, start!” called a voice from above, and Jack and Taylor began circling each other. Suddenly Jack was behind his opponent and he slashed his back twice quickly, the blows ringing against Taylor's plate, before he suddenly was several meters away again. Taylor roared, and bright orange flames radiated outward from him. Each time a wave reached Jack, he would disappear and re-emerge several feet in the air, passing over the flames, until Taylor slung a blast of flame at the air above Jack right as a wave rushed him. As before, Jack teleported upwards, but this time he was met by flames.
When he reappeared on the ground, his clothes were on fire, and he staggered and fell. Taylor then walked forward to finish the job, but as he raised his blade, Jack vanished. Swearing, he spun, slashing and throwing fire everywhere, only to fall limp as Jack landed on him- he had teleported several meters up and let himself fall onto his enemy’s head. Touching his sword to Taylor’s neck he whispered
“Round one… Jack.”

Then it was Tristram’s turn. As him and Talia circled, she looked confused “You have the same aura as the dead, but you live… I don’t understand!” she hissed, slowly moving forward. Then, suddenly, she leapt at him, slashing wildly. Tristram retreated quickly, trying to keep his feet in spite of the uneven terrain, but eventually the bandit queen managed to break through his frantic defense and stab him deeply in the leg, tearing through the large muscle in the front of his thigh. Stepping back, Talia crowed with delight, turning to wave at Tristram’s friends with her missing hand before finishing him. As she did however, he swung the spear with both hands, its heavy shaft colliding with the back of her head and knocking her flat to the ground. Tristram felt a chill run through him as he looked at the fallen woman. Stumbling to the side, he sat next to Conor, breathing deeply. At his cousin’s questioning gaze, he rubbed the back of his neck with his left hand and muttered
“I haven’t been in a real fight before this. I don’t think I like it much.”

“Final round!” called the voice from above “Make a bloody kill already!”
Taylor cracked his neck before walking up to Jack. “Ready to die like a man Jack?” he asked
“Only if theres someone here who’s ready to fight me like a man, and that certainly isn’t going to happen while you’re around.” replied Jack, grinning broadly.
“GO!” yelled the voice above.

Suddenly Jack was everywhere at once. He was slashing Taylor at the knees, then in the air behind him, cutting at his shoulder blades, then in front again, stabbing at the larger man’s stomach. In a matter of seconds, it was over, Taylor bleeding from numerous deep wounds, and Jack standing over him. “You should respect the authority of old bandits Taylor. They did not get old by foolishly fighting their betters.”

Looking up at the bandits on the cliffs he cried out “Bring the chalice boys, and be quick about it! These lads I was guidin’ still need to reach their school before dark, but before that we must hold our ceremony of ascension!”
Looking over to the three boys, Jack grinned “us bandits aren’t much for ceremony, so this won’t take long. Bear with me if I ramble a bit though. I never actually got my nerve up to challenge the king before, and let me tell you, it feels right wonderful.” As he finished speaking, a large iron tankard landed on the canyon floor, clanging loudly. “Right you, be more careful with the bloody chalice!” Jack shouted, glaring up at the top of the canyon.

“Here’s how this goes then” he said, holding aloft the tankard “I will gather some of the last bandit king’s blood into this noble vessel here. Then Tristram over there drinks from it and says ‘ Jack is king! Step forward you who oppose!’ assuming nobody steps forth, I take the aforementioned heavenly goblet and have a swig from it too, at which point I am officially… King.”

Seeing the slightly disgusted look on Tristram’s face, Jack grinned. “look, blood isn’t as bad as all that, and you only need take a sip, then we can be on our way.”
Turning quickly, he walked over to where Taylor lay, slashing open the former king’s left wrist and holding the tankard under it.
“Have you noticed he started talking differently after winning?” whispered Conor. “Its like, now that he’s king, he talks more like a commoner.”

Nodding, Tristram rose awkwardly, limping over to stand by Jack. Closing his eyes and taking a minuscule sip from the ancient tankard at first, and then a larger swallow, he felt heat rush through his body, burning quickly through all his limbs and coming to rest behind his eyes. Opening them he saw everything in shades of blue and purple until he looked at the people standing around him. All of them seemed to glow in oranges and yellows, a burning sunset of humanity. Seconds later everything faded to normal colouring and he handed the blood to Jack, shouting- “By right of trial by combat, Jack is your king!! Step forward, any who would oppose him, and be cut down!”

Hebi · 11-20-2007, 09:35 PM

hmm... pretty interesting. every human has a special "talent". i like it. it is true to some extent, just not to the extreme here. the uh, blood drinking, it's definately unusual, but again, it does make some sense, drink the blood of the fallen king, to become king.

tornskate · 11-21-2007, 01:23 AM

You might want to change the title--sounds like the new movie that's coming out named "I Am Legend" starring Will Smith. Of course, it is a nice title. =D

RyeCatcher24 · 11-21-2007, 05:27 AM

I think the title's fine. Seeing as the movie is based on a book that's 50 years old, I don't think that should be a problem. Very interesting story, I'd really like to see where it's going. Hopefully, you have more.

Kittenification · 11-22-2007, 11:04 AM

Well obviously the title isn't set in stone. Once I finish it I'll decide for sure, but for the present, this should do fine.
And I have quite a bit more, but I'm trying to resist rushing it all out before anyone gets the chance to read anything. For the present, Chapter one, part two.
************************************************** ***************************

In the silence that followed, Jack turned slowly, looking each of the bandits on the canyon floor over “It would seem that I am finally... king. Hopefully the lot of you will do fair by me, and I will try to do the same for you. But before anything else, I have to get my young friends to the school. Who wants to come along?”

Four bandits stepped forward. Two were almost identical, certainly brothers, with shaved heads and brown eyes. Each wore a long kilt, and bore a heavily curved shortbow and a quiver on his back, with a large wooden mallet on one side of his belt and a hatchet and knife on the other. Both went shirtless. The other two bandits were practically opposites.
One was a head shorter than Tristram, his short hair neatly combed, dressed in a grey robe, and with no readily apparent weapons. The other was a woman, but the most dangerous looking woman that Tristram had ever seen. She was several inches taller than him, and significantly more muscular, with tangled blonde hair that fell to her waist, and green eyes. She wore tough canvas breeches, knee high riding boots, and a somewhat scarred leather jerkin. On her back was an immense two handed sword and a compact crossbow with metal limbs. At her belt were two knives and a string of what appeared to be human ears, hanging from a closed container which he assumed held crossbow bolts. Frowning, Tristram turned to Jack “Why do we need people to come with us?” he asked.

“Well you three would most likely be fine, but on the off chance that you aren’t or that theres Sherriff’s men who know what I look like, I’m bringing some friends.” Replied Jack “Now we should be off. Cormack, you lead the way. I’ll walk with the boys, and Elizabeth, you take the rear. John and James, You‘re scouting.”

As they walked, Jack spoke “I suppose I should give you some idea of what you were just part of. Well, You obviously know by this point that Taylor was the bandit king, and I killed him, making me his successor. But theres more to it than that. The leader before Taylor was a man named Cedric Steelhand, and his skill was (surprise surprise) conjuring things made of steel. Bandits usually have descriptive names. He was a fairly good leader, and I was happy to serve under him, but me and Taylor always had our problems, Talia among them. In any case, when he killed Steelhand, two years ago, Taylor ordered me to never enter the canyon again, and I didn’t, staying in the wood right outside, until I saw you.
You three were well armed, and rich looking, but you also looked about as menacing as a couple puppies. I decided to join you, because one of the bandit laws is that no bandit may attack another without declaring himself. Had I not been leading you down the canyon, the bandits would have just shot you from above and taken everything on you.
In all this turned out much better than I would have hoped. Taylor got wind of my presence and decided to try to take me out. That was a bad move on his part, and thanks to him, I now hold the throne.” For a long time the group walked in silence, before one of the twins ran out of the underbrush on the right side of the road
“Sherriff’s men ahead my king. Doubt they’ll start anything, but me and John are covering them just in case.”
Jack nodded “thank you James. I hope, for their sakes, that you are right.”
Grinning, James slid into the bushes once more, seeming to vanish the instant he touched them.

“Alright, like he said, I doubt the Guards are goin’ to make to much of a scene, but still, lets be ready. Cormack, get far enough ahead that you’ll be past them when we come up on ‘em.”
The little man nodded once and ran off ahead, and Padraig looked at Jack “Jack, you seem to talk almost like someone educated as a noble one moment and then the next you sound almost like a commoner, and you are talking much faster than when we met. Why?”
“Well my friend, I am educated. But one hardly has to be noble for that, I was raised in a priory, and so I can talk like one those intellectual types, and read, and lots over other such useless things. I try to talk like a commoner, because that’s what I am. Oh look, it’s the fat men.” Looking down along the road, Tristram saw several men with blue armbands “Guards?” he guessed, and Jack nodded.
“Just walk on through. We aren’t currently doing anything illegal, so we should be fine. Even if they recognize me, they’ll let me by unless theres one of the stupid overzealous types there”

As they walked quickly and quietly up to where the guards stood, one of the guards with a pair of black arrowheads on his armband and an immense moustache held up his hand “You sir. Would your name be Jack?” Jack’s head rose, looking the large man in the eyes.

“Why yes. Myself and my companions here-” he gestured to the boys and Elizabeth “-were heading up to the school. These boys are going to attend, and we are watching them to make sure nothing happens to them on their way… Lots of bandits around here you know.” The sergeant frowned, stroking his moustache
“You sir, have a lot of nerve, or a lot of hidden men, and I am not stupid enough to stop you to find out which. But know that, if a larger contingent of guards meets you, they will not let the only bandit leader other than Garos who makes national alert get away.” Smirking, Jack walked past the man, and as the group moved away from the guard post he shouted back “Oh, and about little Taylor… he’s dead. Killed him myself, making me the ONLY nationally wanted bandit.”

As soon as they entered the little town at the foot of the road leading up to the university, Jack stopped “Alright lads, I got you here safe. Now take care of yourselves, and if bandits ever trouble you while I am still king, Tell them you are friends to Sinister Jack of the Gorge. Now I must go. I don’t want to get too close to the school. I still owe Liam- the survival instructor a lot of money. Now goodbye to you all, and good luck.” Turning, he walked back towards where the guards were.

“I’ll join you on your road up to the school.” said the woman with the sword, her voice surprisingly soft “I graduated a year ago, and I’d like to visit a couple of the instructors.”
“We would love that” Padraig said, looking at the other boys as if to dare them to disagree “It’s Elizabeth, right?”
She frowned “Please, just Lizzy, Elizabeth is a fucking TERRIBLE name for a girl with any self-respect.”
“Of course” said Padraig, grinning.

“I however, am going to find my way back to the gorge boys.” said Cormack “I will remember you though, Tristram. You fought bravely beside my uncle and for that I that I thank you.” The instant he finished speaking, the little man ran off into the night, preventing any reply.
“Well, that was… nice?” said Tristram, looking at Lizzy for an explanation “Cormack is very shy, but his gratitude is certainly in your favour. He is a very skilled crafter of arrows, and his talent lets him put some magic in each arrow.”

“And what is yours?” Padraig asked quickly, his eyes never leaving her face.
“I can lose myself in battle” said the tall woman. “Some of the other bandits call it beserking, but I hate that word. Basically I become unnaturally strong and fast, but also senselessly aggressive, to the point where, while I’m in a frenzy, I never remember to block.”
“Can you stop from losing control? Or does it always happen when you’re in a fight?” asked Conor
“Oh, if I concentrate, I can leave the frenzied state and fight with finesse, but then the claymore is a heavy bastard, and I like speed more than power, so I usually switch to daggers. Oh, and if I’m hurt, then I lose control no matter what.” She said, grinning.
“Oh look, here we are.” said Tristram “So where do we go?”
“You’ll want to go in that one” said Lizzy, pointing at a dome shaped building off to the right “myself, I’m heading into the teachers building, the one straight ahead there, but I hope we run into each other again sometime soon. Theres not enough cute boys who are fine with the whole armour and ears thing.”

Blowing a kiss at them, she ran quickly towards the teachers building, and Conor and Tristram started towards the building she had indicated, and Padraig watched her run before jogging to catch up with them. As he did, Tristram smirked at Conor and said loudly “She was certainly nice.”
Grinning widely Padraig headed off any reply Conor might have made “She was amazing is what she was. She swears!” When Tristram and Conor laughed, he stopped and looked at them confusedly
“Padraig, I have to say, you have pretty good taste, but your reaction was still amazingly funny” said Tristram, putting his hand on the metalworker’s shoulder “Now lets see what this school is all about.”

************************************************** ******************************
Incidentally I am really not feeling the last couple sentences there, so I'll most likely end up changing them.

Kittenification · 11-26-2007, 06:07 PM

Chapter 2 part one.
*************************************************

Sorcha bit her lip softly as she mounted the large chestnut horse that had been saddled for her initial riding test. For an eternal moment, they stood still. Then a whip cracked behind her and they were off. Pulling rapidly ahead of all the other riders, Sorcha allowed herself to breathe. When the race ended, she had finished almost half a minute ahead of the other pupils. Slipping out of her saddle she beamed at the riding instructor, Professor O’Neill

“Well, ye’ve made advanced riding o’course girl, although ye look like ye were born in a saddle, and ye just came within ten seconds of me own best time, so I dunno what I can teach ye. I’ll do what I can though.”
“Of course Professor” said Sorcha, giving him a hug as she left. As the rest of the class followed suit, one boy ran to catch up with her
“That was bloody amazing!” he exclaimed. She turned and looked him over. A strong face with dark brown eyes, a body muscular to the point of looking strange on a seventeen year old boy, and raggedly cut hair in flaming orange.
“I’ve been riding forever” she said “It’s terribly easy at this point.” turning away from him she began to walk down the walkway back toward the main building. Frowning, the boy shook his head and dropped back to talk to some other students.

Sorcha reached the main building, The immense dome, a single room in which the newest of this years students sat, waiting to be directed. Among these one caught her eye, a boy with platinum blonde hair in a horsetail and, for some reason, bloody pants. He was seated with two other boys. One was tall and muscled, with short brown hair and brown eyes, and the other looked very like the first, but with short yellow blond hair, and blue eyes instead of grey.
Walking over to the boy with the bloody pants she softly put her hand on his shoulder “I’m sorry to bother you, but are you hurt?” As he turned to her, she bit at her lip nervously.

“Wait up, yeah, I was!” he said, tucking a stray bit of hair behind his ear “Conor, I got stabbed, right?”
“Yeah? Why do you ask?” replied the boy with short blonde hair
“well, the injury is just… gone. I think it has been for a while..” the boy with white hair said, punching himself in the leg.
“Well you did drink from that special cup” the large boy said “Maybe it actually was magic? We could always go ask Lizzie.”
“you mean YOU could always go ask Lizzie so you have an excuse to talk to her again.” muttered the boy who, apparently, had been injured.
Sorcha looked from one of the boys to another “How did it happen? Was it bandits?” she asked
“Yes, you could say that” said Conor, and the other boys laughed a little.
“Well it was nice meeting you…” She looked at the long-haired boy expectantly.
“Tristram.” he supplied.
“Tristram. Perhaps we’ll talk again sometime.”
Walking away, she sat with a couple of the newest group of girls conversing quietly and looking at Tristram out of the corner of her eye from time to time.

************************************************** *******************************
I really don't know about the switching viewpoints here, especially since I don't think I've gone back to Sorcha's viewpoint once since then (I've written a good 20,000 words since this part.)
Let me know what you think.

Kittenification · 12-02-2007, 01:44 AM

In spite of the apparent lack of interest, I am going to continue putting this piece up, if only for my personal satisfaction, because I doubt many people will want to read through so much at once.
We shall see though.
Chapter 2, part 2
************************************************** ***********************

Tristram turned to Padraig “Damn it. damn it, damn it, damn it. I was so determined to not flirt with the first pretty girl I saw that I failed to even learn her name. and she was gorgeous…”
Padraig raised an eyebrow. Now that they were away from Lizzy he had returned to his usual taciturn self. “What’s wrong with flirting?” he asked “It seemed like that’s what she was going for.”
“Yes, but according to my sister I am far too much a flirt, and when I disagreed with her, she challenged me to not flirt with a single girl for my first week here, and that girl is going to make me fail horribly, did you SEE her?”
Conor laughed “Don’t worry about it. She’ll still be here in a week, and its not like you’ll lose your ability to make conversation.”

Suddenly the room grew quiet and the boys looked around to see what was happening. On the podium in the room’s center stood a middle aged man in a white coat that reached nearly to the floor over black pants and a black shirt. He held his hands aloft for quiet then spoke, his quiet voice amplified by the shape of the room. “As all of you can see, the last of this year’s students have arrived. I hope you all find their company agreeable. In addition to this, we have a new assistant combat instructor. If you would come forward Elizabeth.” Making a disgusted face at the use of her full name, Lizzy went to stand at the base of the podium
“Hopefully you will all find her to be a good teacher, and since she spent the year since she graduated with the Gorge bandits, she should have a fairly good practical knowledge of combat. Now, new arrivals, come stand close so we can see how many of you there are.”

After a few seconds the students in the room had separated into two groups, one small one ringed around the headmaster, and a larger one going along the outside of the room.
“Looks to be about thirty, We’ll send everyone to my left to the red building, and all of you on my right will go to the blue building. Sorcha darling, Take the red roomers to their new home will you? And you, Joseph, bring the blue roomers with you. Now everyone have a lovely evening, and I will see you tomorrow.”

When he finished speaking, he descended slowly from the podium and walked out of the room. Once he had left, the girl who had spoken to Tristram walked over to the podium and called out softly “everyone who was to be a red roomer, please come with me” instantly several boys walked quickly over. Tristram tried to glare at them all, while doing the exact same thing. Him and Padraig were both red, but since they had been directly in front of the headmaster, Conor was blue.

Punching his cousin on the shoulder as the groups split up, he walked quickly, trying to stay close to Sorcha. As they walked she looked at him out of the corner of her eye at him, but didn’t say anything until the group reached a rectangular two level building painted entirely red. Stopping in front of it, Sorcha turned to the group “This is where we stay. Each of you will be rooming with one other. The first floor is divided in half. One half is a big common room, the other is a kitchen and dining hall. They give us meals at dawn and dusk, and some kind of food will be available at any given time. All the rooms are on the second floor, so basically, choose a roommate and go find a room with no names on its door.

Turning to each other, Tristram and Padraig grinned and rushed to find an advantageous room. Within seconds Tristram found one on the corner of the building, so it was larger and had two windows. In his opinion though, the best feature was that it was just three rooms down from the door that read “Anne and Sorcha” Upon noticing this, Padraig grinned at Tristram, who shrugged and walked out of the room.

Striding quickly down the hall, he thundered down the stairs and walked outside, walking quickly around the edge of the building until he was on the back side of it, in the small alley between the red building and the outside wall of the university compound. Sitting on the ground, he began humming to himself softly when a voice that was becoming rapidly familiar snapped him back to reality “This is a funny place to sit” said Sorcha, leaning against the wall a few feet away.
“I came here to be alone” said Tristram “And it was working, for a while.”
Looking hurt, she started playing with her hair “why do you dislike me? I’m trying to be friends.”
Rubbing his eyes, Tristram sighed deeply “Sorcha, can you please just… wait a week. Exactly a week, and I promise I’ll be friendly.”
“No, that’s stupid. I want to know why you don’t like me now. I never did anything bad to you. Do you think I’m ugly? Or annoying?” Stepping forward until she stood right over him she whispered “Please tell me?”
“Fine. Basically I promised my sister I wouldn’t so much as flirt with a single girl for my entire first week here. But that is going to be impossible if I’m around someone as pretty as you… Damn it.” standing and yanking the leather tie out of his hair, he ran his hands through it and looked at Sorcha. She was tall, almost as tall as him, and fairly slender, with wavy long brown hair and dark blue eyes. She was currently looking up at him through thick lashes and biting her lip. “Alright I basically already proved my sister right, but I still refuse to flirt with anyone here, for a month!”
Smiling at him, Sorcha brushed back his hair “I didn’t ask to flirt, just to be friends. And friends is what we will be until I decide otherwise.” Kissing him on the cheek, she quickly walked away. As soon as she was out of sight, Tristram spun, punching the red wall as hard as he could “I HATE when pretty girls realize that they‘re pretty! But I can’t hate her because she doesn’t want me to… and now my hand hurts too.” Rubbing his hand, he walked back to his room and unpacked.

When all the reds gathered into their dining room for dinner, Tristram decided there were about ninety total, out of which a little less than half were boys. His eyes searched the room until he spotted Sorcha, sitting with a pair of blonde girls, a boy with red hair, and Padraig.

Placing himself at the table so that Padraig was between him and Sorcha, Tristram ate quickly, but before he was halfway done, Padraig finished and left, winking at him. As soon as he did, Sorcha was suddenly closer to Tristram, leaning against him a little as she continued to chatter with the two blondes. When he finally finished his meal and stood to leave, she tugged his sleeve “I’ll come say goodnight later.” she said. Forcing himself not to smile, Tristram nodded and walked away quickly. As he did he heard the red haired boy at the table mutter something to which Sorcha said “He is not!”

Smiling openly now, Tristram ascended the stairs and walked back to his room, where he dropped onto his bed. “Padraig, I want it noted that you are a treacherous git.”
“Duly noted” said Padraig, grinning “she said she was going to come by and say goodnight, right?”
“Yes. Who were the other people sitting with her?”
“Well the two girls are sisters, one of whom is Sorcha’s roommate, and the boy I dunno. He was just sort of there.” said Padraig.
“Any idea what time we start doing things tomorrow?” asked Tristram, perusing the well stocked shelf of books.
“Well they said breakfast is at dawn. So I assume shortly after that.”
Sitting on his bed with a book on archery, Tristram read quietly, while Padraig played with a lump of iron, trying to mimic the illustrations in a book on knives. After a short time, there was a quiet knock, and Sorcha walked into the room “Oh, Padraig, what is that?” she asked, pointing at the metal he was molding
“My skill is working metals without heat.” he said “Speaking of which, what’s yours?”
“I don’t know yet. But the headmaster said yesterday that most students find theirs some time during their first year.” said Sorcha, walking over to where Tristram was reading “So you’re an archer?” she asked, stepping back when he suddenly rolled over and sat up to face her .
“To some extent. Certainly more than I am a swordsman.” he said “But I hope that in my time here I can change that. After all, that is the point of this place, isn’t it? To become the best in several fields so that when we leave we are able to take care of ourselves and any others we might run into.” she nodded and sat next to him on the bed “well I’m sure you’ll be great with a sword in no time” she said “now we should all get some sleep. They always make us get up way early here.” Giving him a quick hug she turned and waved to Padraig before hurrying out. As soon as she had left, Tristram blew out the candle by his bed, undressed and curled up under his blankets.
After several minutes Padraig heard a muffled “Your still a git.” from Tristram’s bed, and he laughed, putting away the book and metal before following Tristram’s example.

************************************************** ***********************
and, because it amuses me, here is

a kings head. I don't know where the rest of him is.

Cefor · 12-02-2007, 08:24 AM

This is a good bit of fiction, please add more and I will continue to read it.

I'm not so good on full critiques but if I see anything that stands out to me I'll say

cefor

Thesheep · 12-03-2007, 05:59 AM

One quick request. Can you format the story a little better, I find it very hard to read block text. Thanks

and nice writing.

lin · 12-03-2007, 10:45 AM

Worse yet, it's the title of a pretty important SF story from the past, as I recall.

Put your story in a WP program like WinWord that can do search replace and set it to replace all returns with two returns...that should create the double spacing necessary to make it more readable online.

Kittenification · 12-03-2007, 06:00 PM

We'll I messed with the formating a little, but it'll be better once I do it properly in word.
Hopefully its less unpleasant now though.

Kittenification · 12-06-2007, 05:54 AM

Chapter 3, P1

*******************************

The following morning, the boys were awakened by a tremendously loud bell. Rubbing his eyes, Tristram put a red shirt along with his usual tough canvas pants and walked down to the dining hall, where students at varying levels of consciousness were eating breakfast and drinking hot tea.

Grabbing a bowl of porridge and an apple, Tristram sat at the first open table he could find and ate quickly before pouring himself a steaming cup of tea, right as Padraig and one of the blonde girls who had been at the same table as them for dinner the day before arrived. Pouring himself some tea, Padraig jerked his head towards the girl “This is Anne, Sorcha’s roommate. Her and her sister Catherine only arrived yesterday too, so they’ll be going through the preliminary examinations with us.”

“If you have a sister here with you, why are you rooming with someone else? Don’t you get along?” asked Tristram
“Oh we get along fine. Only, we’ve roomed together our whole lives, and we wanted to know what it would be like to separate. Both of us like our roommates, and this way we’ve been talking to a lot more new people, which is good, because usually we just talk to each other, and probably seem really unfriendly.”

As she finished speaking, Sorcha dropped into the seat on her right “Oh, good morning Sorcha, I was just wondering where you were.” said Anne. Sorcha said nothing, rubbing her eyes with the back of her hand “Oh, you don’t like getting up early? Well I love it, it’s always so nice and quiet.” said Anne. Sorcha gave her a look which clearly indicated that the part of the morning comprised of Anne should probably start being more ‘nice and quiet’ and sipped at her tea.

As they finished eating, a slightly heavy man dressed all in red with a small harp on his back and a sword on his belt walked in “Greetings, students” he called out, waiting for the majourity of students to stop talking and look at him before continuing “I’m the red house’s caretaker, name of Alec. Headmaster bid me to tell you that those of you who’ve already been tested should attend the class you went to last yesterday, and the newest batch of you are to start by attending the lecture hall. That’s the back half of the second level of the building right behind the dome. Now hop to it.”

For a moment everyone was still, all the students began to move at once, splitting into groups as they went.
When they reached the lecture hall, they found that the blue house students were already there, and Tristram and Padraig hurried to sit by Conor, who was talking to a dark-skinned boy in wide pants and a sleeveless black shirt. “Hello everyone” the quiet voice of the headmaster managed to be audible over the noise of thirty teenagers talking- quite an accomplishment

“I am here to tell you a little about this place, and why it, and you, are here. The school was started about twenty years ago, by my predecessor a man named Jonathan Levy. He went all around Ruagaire and talked to the rulers of various towns and estates, convincing them all to pay a tribute for the funding of this school, in return for which, the graduates would serve in a legion to protect and serve all of them for at least a year before going on with lives, now equipped with skills in a great variety of areas. In the last five years, the gorge bandits have been paying a tribute also, and so they receive five legionnaires out of each graduating class. The new combat instructor I introduced you to yesterday is one such student.

The school compound now takes up this entire small peninsula, being surrounded on three sides by cliffs, and then the lake, with the town in front of us. We have nine student housing buildings, so you will stay where you are until your fifth year, where you will move in with all your year mates in black house.
Today however, I want the blue house students to go to the western combat house, and the reds to go to the eastern. You will receive further instruction there. Good luck, and I hope you all truly enjoy your time with us. It always seems to end too soon.” Finished speaking, the headmaster stood quietly as the students walked out.

In the eastern combat house, a large square building at one end of a large walled area of sand, they were greeted by Lizzy “Hello reds. Now, on the walls, you can see a great variety of weapons. All are made from wood and weighted carefully so they more accurately mirror the weight of their metal counterparts. I want you all to arm up, and then enter the sandpit. Ignore the people seated on the wall. They’re older students here to watch the newest class get their first taste of combat. Your only real goal here is taking out all fifteen blues with as few casualties as possible. Don’t worry about injuries, the pit heals people who are injured in minutes. Oh, and before you head out, get a red sash and make sure its visible.”

“Can we use our skills?” asked Padraig
“only if they aren’t lethal. I don’t know how useful your metalworking will be against wooden weapons though” said Lizzy
“I was just curious, not actually intending on using my own.”

Stepping to the door that opened into the arena Lizzy yanked it open “Alright, good luck reds, I’ll see you after this is done.”
Grabbing a bow, a quiver of arrows with flat padded tips, and a wooden spear with a flat block of wood for a tip instead of a metal point, Tristram tied his sash and walked out. Of his teammates only a few looked confident with their weapons. One of them held a pair of spears, one was Padraig with a massive hammer, and the last was, surprisingly enough, Anne’s sister, Catherine, holding a crossbow with a quiver of flat-tipped bolts, and a wooden longsword in her belt.

As they walked out along the sand, there were a few cheers, and Tristram looked around to see that the surrounding wall had numerous students seated on it. At the opposite end of the enclosure he saw figures with blue sashes emerge from the door, spreading out into a horizontal line. “Alright, we should try to employ some strategy. Anyone with a bow get in back. Everyone else, make a staggered line, and try to watch out for each other” said the boy with spears “Archers, take out their archers first, then take out whichever ones look like they’re doing best”

“Sounds like a plan” said Tristram, laying his spear on the ground next to him and nocking an arrow.
Quickly, the students without bows formed a wavy line in front of the four with bows, as the blue team continued advancing. Now Tristram could see that Conor and the dark skinned boy both held paired axes, and while the blues only had a single archer, most of them looked much more confident than the reds. “I’ll get the archer” he said, taking careful aim “You get whichever ones look least frightened. Fire on the count of three.”

As all four arrows arced into the line of blues, two of them went down. The archer with a hit just above his left collarbone, and a boy with a claymore with a crossbow hit in the forehead. In addition to this, a boy holding a buckler and cutlass was struck in the leg and shoulder by the other two archers who had, until that moment looked severely frightened “Nice shooting Catherine!” yelled Tristram “Everyone shoot as fast as you can!”

Firing twice more before the blues reached the red frontline, he managed to force a girl with two swords to drop one, hitting her arm, but his second shot was dodged by Conor, while the other three archers all shot the boy with buckler and cutlass. Then the reds charged, and he had to wait for a shot. Watching Conor, it became quickly clear that while the blues were down a few people, they were significantly more capable in close combat. In what seemed like seconds, Conor had eliminated Anne, and the boy he had been speaking with in the lecture hall had taken down a boy with a spear, and was now circling slowly with Padraig. Right as he lunged however, Tristram saw his opening and shot, getting the boy in the leg. As he stumbled back, Padraig knocked him sprawling before turning back into the melee.

Conor dispatched another girl, shoulder charging her raised shield before striking the ground next to her head, indicating his ‘kill’ then turned toward the archers. Tristram shot, but his cousin threw himself flat on the ground, avoiding it, and then he was up and running. Yanking up the spear, Tristram backed up, keeping the ‘point’ between them, but Conor dove sideways right before he was in Tristram‘s reach, chopping at Catherine and the third archer- the final one had been taken down by a girl with a hammer. He missed Catherine, who sprinted a short distance away, but his left axe dropped the other girl, and he rolled to his feet, immediately diving at Tristram.

In a second, Tristram knew he was overmatched. He had never been much good in close combat, and Conor had already been a participant in several tournaments. Falling back quickly, he threw the spear at Conor and ran, stooping to pick up his bow. Looking over to Padraig, he saw another blue go flying to the ground. Nocking an arrow on the run, he turned and shot, hitting Conor in the gut. As he stumbled though, Conor threw both axes. They flipped through the air so quickly that when they struck, Tristram had barely processed the throw. Both struck his chest and he fell, laying ‘dead’ as Conor got up and walked over, picking them up “that was a good try Cousin, but not quite good enough.”
Then there was a dull thump and Conor fell next to him, gasping “Damn, I forgot metal boy”

Laying on his side, Tristram watched the last few fighters. Padraig was as yet uninjured, as was Catherine, although the boy with paired spears was limping. The other team only had two fighters left, one a small boy who had picked up a fallen fighter’s bow and arrows, the other a girl with a tower shield and a long pike. As Padraig ran at the girl, he seemed to collide with nothing, and dropped to the ground, at which point she moved forward a step, touching his chest. “Kill” she said, before stepping back again. Catherine shot at her, but the bolt bounced off air a short distance from her, falling to the ground. The crowd was all cheering loudly at this point, and when the bolt was deflected, about half went wild, while the other half gasped and booed. Suddenly there was a blur of movement, and Catherine was standing by the boy with the bow. Kicking him in the chest, she touched his neck with an arrow, and the crowd all began clapping uproariously.

Now there was only a single blue left. Dropping her shield, she ran to where Tristram lay, grabbing up his bow and a fistful of arrows. She fired quickly, but was clearly no archer, missing the boy with spears every time. Swearing quietly, she picked up her pike again. As she did, Tristram saw the sweat beaded on her forehead, and realized that her invisible shield must be tiring her. As she advanced on the boy with two spears, he dropped both, picking up the tower shield she had held on his left arm, and a wooden claymore in his right. Once he judged himself to be close enough, he slashed at the air, sword rebounding off of nothing. Suddenly, grinning, the girl breathed deeply and stepped back. For a second, Tristram saw the outline of her shield in a soft shimmering green. Then it flickered out.

Stepping forward cautiously, the boy found that it was, in fact gone, and charged. Then the green shimmer came back, and everything around the girl, was flung several feet, including the boy. Running up to him, she touched his chest with the spear point. Then, as her and Catherine circled, a bell rung at each end, and Lizzy and a man Tristram assumed was the main combat instructor came out “Weapons down girls” called the man “We’ll let this one stay a tie. Its better that way. Sarah and…” he paused, looking to Lizzy
“Catherine” she said
“Right, Catherine. You two are both great. Also, Catherine, do you know your talent?”
“No sir, why do you ask sir” she replied, looking at the ground
“Because I think its speed, and I suspect that anyone who was watching will agree. Look into it.” he said, turning to the other girl “Very good use of your skill Sarah. With proper development, you will be a wondrous addition to the legion, especially if you can get better with a bow. Everyone up!”

As everyone rose and formed a line he walked along talking to each in turn, at the very least telling people what combat class they would start in sometimes mentioning a particular skill. Coming to where Padraig Conor and Tristram stood, he spoke first to Conor “Well boy, you are very capable, and so you’ll start in the fifth class. But try not to get overconfident, and please learn to watch your back.”
Turning to Padraig he looked him up and down “Its unusual for a first year to use a hammer so effectively. But you certainly did. Class five.”

Looking at Tristram he nodded once “You are a bit of a problem. Your shooting is beautiful, nearly perfect form, and you kept your head, which is good. But you need a lot of practice up close, so I’ll give you a choice between five and four.”
“I’ll go in Five” said Tristram.

In the end there were eight students of thirty going into five, the rest being spread out through the other levels. “now my pupils, Lizzy will take you to your next test, I believe its in the university forest.”

**************************************************

Is that any better to read? Sorry if not, I'm utter crap at formatting. A friend of mine likes to tell me that the enter key is my mortal enemy. I dunno about all that, but its definitely the bit of my writing I get the most complaints about.

Hopefully I succeeded in making it nicer to read though. We'll see I guess.

Cefor · 12-07-2007, 10:46 AM

Kool addition, I always thought the formatting was readable so I don't care about what changes you made really as I wasn't looking for them.

Please keep on writing
Cefor

Kittenification · 12-11-2007, 10:44 AM

Thanks Cefor, I also find it perfectly readable, but if messing with the format gets me a couple more reads then I am more than willing to do so.
And here is Chapter 3 part 2.

************************************************

As they walked Lizzy spoke “Your doing my second most hated class next. The only one I liked less was stealth, and you only take that from third year on unless your really good. Survival has too much bloody sneaking. I like a good open battlefield.”
Then they passed through a gate and were suddenly in a thick forest “It’s really not that big, but its enough for Liam to teach you all about the woods. Just stay here and he’ll show up soon enough, bloody sneak that he is.”

Turning on her heel, she walked out of the forest and the gate closed. For several seconds everyone was quiet. Then someone spoke behind Tristram, making him jump “Hello class. Just coming from the pit?”

Spinning, Tristram looked at the man who had spoken. Short cut dark brown hair with silver at his temples, Large brown eyes, and three deep scars running across his left cheek, the survival instructor had managed to walk right up to the group of students without any of them noticing “Now I am going to start us off with a basic exercise. I want you to separate into five groups, one of ten, the others of five each. Then I will take each group to a different little clearing, where I want you to set up a camp, as you would if you were lost in a full forest. I will be watching you all, and in a few hours I will pass judgment.”

As the students grouped together, Tristram ended up in the group of ten with Catherine, Anne, Padraig, and the boy who had used spears, Alan. Their blue counterparts were Conor, the dark skinned boy, Damien, and three of those who had fallen under the initial volley of arrows in the pit. When they were brought to the clearing, Conor, Damien, Padraig, and Alan immediately began building a shelter, two of them digging into the soft dirt, while the other two gathered wood to build an aboveground portion. Anne and Catherine scraped out a small fire pit, lining it with stones before gathering firewood. The other three blues all began picking apples and raspberries in a pile next to the fire pit.

Looking around, Tristram decided to find water. As he walked away from the camp in slowly widening circles, he soon found an area where there was what seemed to be a circle of stones. Slipping through them he found a perfectly circular crystal clear pool. Walking back toward his camp he cut a letter T into each large tree he passed until he was back with his team. In the time while he was gone the boys had succeeded in digging a hole about knee deep, twice as long as he was tall, and half as wide. Now they were constructing a roof of sticks.

A forked one at each end supported the main ceiling beam, and the rest was just leaning sticks of suitable size in from each side before covering them with smaller sticks and, eventually, leaves and dirt. There was a small fire burning in the pit with a large pile of wood a short distance from it and the heap of fruit was large enough to feed a group their size for several days “Alright, I found water and marked the trail to it. What else do we need?” said Tristram, looking around. “We’ll we’re making baskets for the food” said Anne, “and the three who were gathering food are now making rope from braided bark. Oh, and the one who had a bow at the start of the fighting test, he wanted to talk to you. He’s over behind the house.” Walking over to where she pointed, Tristram found the boy twisting tough bark into a thin string.

“Oh, there you are. Names Ryan by the way. Listen, I think we should raid one or more of the other camps. I dunno if its allowed, but in a survival situation I would either ally with or raid everyone, so that’s what we should do. I already have one bow made. Its only bamboo, so It’ll break really easy, but the arrows are pretty good. Round stone tips, but no fletching. Once I finish this, we’ll go. Just remember we only have three arrows each, so bring a club or something. Our goal is to get anything useful from them, so just grab an