I am Legion (Fantasy, military) - Page 3 - Writers Forum

Kittenification · 01-11-2008, 11:39 AM

In the bit I Posted as chapter three (I think part two) I breifly mentioned Tristram and Ryan first coming on a camp where a boy was using his skill to cut through logs without touching them. Thats how.

and this is a piggy

Rynash · 01-11-2008, 03:37 PM

when is next bit comin up im just to impayient>_<

Kittenification · 01-15-2008, 10:59 AM

Well it's that time again. and what is this? (gasp) a POV change!
Hope you like it.
lets call this chapter five, section one.

************************************************** ****

Silence all around. Where am I? Thought the boy, trying to remember. He had been with his mother. They were going to the border garrison where his father was posted… My father… It had been night, and the attack happened quickly. The legionnaires responded well, destroying the raiding force in mere minutes, but as they retreated, they had taken prisoners.
Most of these prisoners were children, taken from then village near the outpost. One, a slightly heavy girl with curly brown hair shuffled across the dimly lit space to where the boy sat.

“I ent seen you afore” she said, dropping to sit next to him “Whats your name then?”
He thought a moment “Mercius.” he said.
“that’s a funny name. why you called that?”
“It is what my parents named me.” he said quietly, standing and looking around the area. It seemed to be a large wooden box, with no apparent doors. “Where are we?”
“Oh, you fought ‘em then” she said, shaking her head with disapproval “they only knocked out the ones that fight.”
“I asked where we were.” he said.
“Fine fine. We’re on some kind of barge, probly being brought to the south.” She said
“To Pareselam.” It was not a question.
“yeah, that. They’re all darkies up there so I don’t doubt they’ll eat us, or something of the type.” she said, seeming confident in her ‘knowledge’
“Actually we’ll be sold into slavery.” He said “Most of the girls into brothels or as household servants. The boys as laborers. My Da told me.” Father…

His father had been on scout duty that night and Mercius had stood on the wall, awaiting his return. Hearing shouts from the opposite wall he ran towards it, thinking his father was returning by a different route. As he reached the spot where the shouts had originated, he knew he was wrong. A pair of ladders leaned against the wall and dark-skinned men were surging up them. The sentry meant to be posted on that wall lay dead, an arrow in his neck.

Turning, Mercius fled, shouting at the top of his lungs, “Attack! Attack! Theres been an attack!!” Within seconds, legionnaires began rushing out of the bunkhouse, few of them even dressed. As they fought though, they quickly pushed back the intruders, until one of them opened the gate and a second, larger group rushed in. Mercius was back in the bunkhouse when a single one of the intruders entered. Grinning, the dark-skinned man approached him slowly before rushing at him and grabbing him. Yelling loudly, Mercius punched the man in the stomach. Grunting, he picked the boy up and threw him on the wooden floor, stunning him.
Then Mercius was here.
In a barge bound for the south.

He looked at the rest of the captured children. All of them were around twelve years of age, and with the exception of one small boy with dreadlocked hair reaching his waist, they all looked terrified. Abandoning the girl who had been attempting futilely to make conversation with him, Mercius walked over to the boy
“Whats your name?” he asked
“ I’m Tommy. Thomas Kingston” the boy answered, standing. “Who’re you” he asked
“My name is Mercius Anacros.”

For a long moment the two boys looked at each other, both small, one with his short black-brown hair, the other with his long dreadlocks. After a while they both sat “so how did they get you then?” asked Thomas
“One of them came into the bunkhouse. I was the only person in there, and when he grabbed me I hit him so he threw me hard on the floor. When I woke up I was here.”
“phew, that’s rough mate.” said Tommy “I just attacked a couple what was moving through the village, and one of them held me while t’other tied me up.”
Mercius frowned, hearing footsteps above them “you think we’ll be sold as slaves then?”
The ceiling slid to the side, and the room was flooded with light “Of course you will little manlet.” called down a deep voice.

Looking up, Mercius saw an immense figure wearing wide-legged canvas breeches and a broad belt with a heavy sword sheathed on each side of it. His skin was dark and smooth, and his head shaved. Around his neck he wore a thick cord of braided hemp with a single shark’s tooth in the center of it. “We take you to market today my children. Let us hope the populace of Kamislada finds you to be delectable and worth of buying. If not, I fear I may just have to give you to the pit masters. They always need food for the beasts of the arena.”

As he spoke, he kicked a rope into the hold “Alright my precious ducklings, out of the bedroom you must come, for it is a good ways to market still, and I want to be done by noon”
Tommy was the first up the rope, and he reached the top quickly, before being stopped by the slaver “Ho there boy, you are not as pale as a northerner should be, are you sure you weren’t in the hold by accident?”
“My father was from the islands” said Tommy, pointing at something out of Mercius’s sight “and ask those men if I am northern. I nearly killed one of them”
“Hahaha, I like this one, he is full of fight. Boy, you will live with me. You may choose one companion to join you, as I usually train fighters in pairs.”

Train fighters? Thought Mercius That seems a funny thing to do with captured enemies
“I want the boy named Mercius” Tommy proclaimed “He was the only one in the ship who was not filled with fear, and he also tried to fight your cowardly men.”
“Fair enough my little lion. Fair enough.” said the slaving captain “The two of you will stay by my side for the time being. If you run I may change my mind and sell you. You would not like that I think.” Once Mercius reached the top the captain laughed “This is who you would choose as your training partner boy? He is as white as sun-bleached bones.” Grabbing Mercius at the waist with one hand he lifted him up “Hmm. Pretty heavy for such a small one. You’ll put muscle on well.” setting him back on the flat deck of the barge “Wait over there. Once I have these-” he gestured to the children still in the hold “Loaded in the cart, I will take the two of you to my home.”

As Mercius and Tommy sat in the front of the barge, they watched as all of the other children were moved into a large cage on a wagon and driven out of sight down one of the larger nearby streets.
“Alright boys, you come with me now” said the captain “ I will bring you to my home where I will instruct you in combat.” Following him, they climbed into a small chariot tied to a pair of dark horses “Now, while you live in my home you will refer to me as master. Your sole duty is to completely dedicate yourself to your training, and as long as you do so, you will be treated fairly. Now, I do not care for your old names so you, boy, will be referred to as Lion, for your hair strikes me as a lion’s mane, and you, Pale boy, will be called Cadaver, because you look like a man drained of blood.”
Give me a weapon and I’ll show you who’s a cadaver… Thought the boy formerly known as Mercius.

************************************************

Have a nice day all.
It looks like we might get some proper winter weather soon, which I would certainly appreciate.

Rynash · 01-15-2008, 11:19 AM

nice

more quickly!

Cefor · 01-16-2008, 12:49 PM

Oh, that's a realy nice piece!

Excellent work mate, keep it up!
Cefor

Rynash · 01-18-2008, 10:38 AM

POST MORE!!!!!>_<

Destroyer2000 · 01-25-2008, 06:09 PM

Very nice. I like the parts with Tristram and the othres, more, tho.

Rynash · 01-26-2008, 07:28 PM

ye im wit destroyer

Kittenification · 02-02-2008, 02:11 AM

Well if it's this group of characters you prefer then, for today, you're lucky.

going by my admittedly fuzzy system, this would be chapter five part two.

************************************************** *****

“Wake UP stupid!” Tristram growled and swung his hand vaguely in the direction of the voice, striking something soft. “That was rude! Now come on, everyone is waiting.”
Similar to every day for the past few months, Sorcha was waking him for their little early morning sit in the common room. Dressing in his usual canvas breeches and cotton shirt, he slipped on his boots, tied his hair back, and walked slowly down to the common room. When he arrived there he saw Sorcha, Padraig, and Anne, talking animatedly over by the fire. While the girls looked much the same as at the start of the year, Padraig had grown his hair out, wearing it long and shaggy along with a scruffy goatee, and in recent weeks he had begun wearing two broad iron hoops in his left ear. Sitting down next to his roommate, Tristram looked around, listening in on their conversation.

“I bet you get picked by the alchemists” Sorcha said, spitting the word ‘alchemists’ out like it tasted bad.
“Works for me, it’ll be more interesting than riding” replied Padraig, mimicking her inflection.
“What are you two talking about?” Tristram asked
When they both turned and stared at him, he grinned “What? You both know I don’t pay all that much attention.”
“Well Tristram, what day do you think it is?” Padraig asked
“umm… someone dead’s birthday?”
“No.”

“Tristram, today we’ve been here ten months.” Sorcha said “For the last two of this year we get put into a single class, depending on where we’ve done the best. For this part of the year some of the teachers work together- Gareth, Liam, and O’Neill, all take their picks out into the field with them.”
“Oh alright” said Tristram “I would guess that you’ll be picked in combat Padraig. Your decent at alchemy, but you’re one of the best in the pit. And Sorcha, we all know where your going.”
Sorcha nodded, the frowned at something behind him. Turning to look he saw Dom running into the room. Some time in the last month, he had shaved his head entirely, save a strip straight down the center, which he usually applied beeswax to and spiked, the red spokes rising several inches from his head. In addition to this, he had gotten bigger “Hey everyone! You all ready for this?” he said, grinning broadly
“Dom, you look like your about to fall over for wagging your tail and you aren’t even in puppy form” Anne said, putting her hand on his shoulder “whats the big deal?”
He just stared at her for several moments. “What?” she snapped
“I was just trying to decide if you were joking or just dumb” he said, grinning again as she slapped him playfully.

“So where do you two think Dom’ll be going” Tristram asked, raising an eyebrow. They all knew that he would be in a combat group.
“Tristram, that was an incredibly weak attempt at a joke. That’s what I hope anyways. If you were serious, then I will lose all of my respect for you.” Dom muttered
“Alright, fine, so I’m not as funny as I wish I could be. Whats your point?”
“Nothing Tristram. Eat your breakfast.”

Once they finished eating, they walked over to the lecture hall, where they found the teachers waiting in two groups. One was comprised of the outdoor teachers- Combat, survival, and riding. The other was made up of the intellectual teachers- Strategy, Music, and Alchemy. The headmaster stood in between the two groups. Once everyone had arrived, he spoke “Today, you get sent either down the road towards the city legion, or wild legion. Those of you who have shown greatest social and mental aptitude, you will be placed into city legion, where you will assist local guards and governing figures. Those of you with a greater aptitude in your survival and combat classes will be placed into the group for wild legion. You may switch groups several times throughout the next four years, based on how we feel about your abilities at the time, but for the time being, read the lists to my left and right, and join the group your name is down for.”
After several minutes, Tristram and the majority of his friends (Anne had been placed in the other group) stood together with several other students and the outdoor teachers.

Following the instructors outside, they circled up “Alright” Liam said “I want all of you to go to your rooms and get a bag set for backcountry travel. Make sure you have a knife, and warm clothes.”
“And for me you all need to have the ranged weapon with which you are most proficient, and the same for close combat.” said Gareth.
“I’ll get the horses together for ye’.” said O’Neill “If ye’ll give me a hand Lizzy”
“Now go.” Said Liam “be quick, and meet at the university’s main gate once you have everything”

Running back to red house, Tristram stuffed some clothes into a bag before sliding the sheathes for his tiger claws onto opposite sides of his belt, his knife and hatchet on the back. After a brief consideration, he threw on a long leather coat before belting his quiver to his back and binding his unstrung bow to it. At the main gate he found his friends, Dom with his axe and shield, and a quiver of javelins, Padraig with his hammer and two saddlebags of metal bars as well as his pack, a small crossbow on his back, the quiver on his belt. Damien wore a broad scimitar and a circular shield with a crescent moon painted on it, bow and quiver on his back, Conor, with two axes and a bandolier of throwing axes, Ian holding a long spear, a heavy shield and a crossbow, Catherine with her bow, shortsword, and buckler, Sorcha with a long halberd, a crossbow on her back, and Ryan and Sarah, both holding full longbows, Ryan with a two handed claymore hung next to his quiver, and Sarah with a slender rapier on her belt- her archery was much improved since the start of the year, and she rarely used anything but a bow anymore.

“Alright!” shouted Liam “there should be twenty one students here, and Gareth informs me that there are. As soon as O’Neill and Lizzy return with the horses, we ride north, to the mountains.” As he spoke, Tristram heard the noise of many hooves and turned to see a crowd of horses riding towards them, Lizzy and O’Neill riding at the head. “Mount up kiddies!” Lizzie shouted, and everyone rushed for the horses, save Dom who just shifted silently into the shape of a large red wolf. As soon as everyone was in the saddle, Lizzy took off down the hill towards the village, her mount moving swiftly along the stony road.

**********************************************

That was shorter than I remembered, and in light of this, I will put up another chunk tomorrow.

Cefor · 02-03-2008, 10:49 AM

Ok, it is now tomorrow, yet there isn't another piece up yet

Good addition, keep it coming.

DavidGil · 02-03-2008, 12:20 PM

Apologies for coming into this Kittenification with only a negative comment, which I guess is the first you've received. It helps if people don't just say 'that's good, keep it up,' when there's actual faults with the piece. We're here to learn at the end of the day and if we're not told, we can't better or fix our writing. I'm not going to touch on the story, but I've wanted to post this for quite a while as I see the problem hasn't been sorted and it's most likely something you don't know.

Right, enough rambling. The dialog is wrongly punctuated and again, I can't believe no-one's pointed it out at all.

Some examples:

“I bet you get picked by the alchemists” Sorcha said, spitting the word ‘alchemists’ out like it tasted bad.

You need punctuation between the two words, before you close the speech off. A comma will suffice as a fullstop wouldn't fit with what follows.

“Well Tristram, what day do you think it is?” Padraig asked
“umm… someone dead’s birthday?”
“No.”

The first line is Padraig asking the question correct? If not, Padraig asked needs to be on it's own line. (I'd suggest at the end of the second line.) But regardless, even if it is Padraig speaking on the first line, you missed the punctuation out. So it would need a full stop after asked. The u also for 'umm' would need to be capitalised.

In addition to this, he had gotten bigger “Hey everyone! You all ready for this?”

When you do this here, make sure you have a comma before the speech at least.

“I’ll get the horses together for ye’.” said O’Neill “If ye’ll give me a hand Lizzy”

Comma before the first speech ends. Fullstop after O'Neil. Then another fullstop within the speech tags just after Lizzy.

Damien wore a broad scimitar and a circular shield with a crescent moon painted on it, bow and quiver on his back, Conor, with two axes and a bandolier of throwing axes, Ian holding a long spear, a heavy shield and a crossbow, Catherine with her bow, shortsword, and buckler, Sorcha with a long halberd, a crossbow on her back, and Ryan and Sarah, both holding full longbows, Ryan with a two handed claymore hung next to his quiver, and Sarah with a slender rapier on her belt- her archery was much improved since the start of the year, and she rarely used anything but a bow anymore.

A run on sentence here, definitely needs splitting up into multiples.

“Mercius.” he said.

This was the last example. The fullstop within the speech needs to be a comma.

Anyways, it annoys me when people see work with dialog problems and I see it a 'lot' and they say everything is good without a bad word. I mean, how are you supposed to learn that you're using grammar incorrectly with regards to dialog? It makes me almost feel like the ones who critique and leave comments don't know it's wrong as well.

I'll stop ranting though. Try looking up dialog on google, read stories online here, preferably in the workshop (I think that's the best bet) or look at some of mine. They may not be good but the dialog grammar is correct I wager. Failing that, just read some books and you'll get a good idea of where you're going wrong with regards to dialog. That is, if I haven't explained myself very well and I guess there's a chance I haven't. I'm known for it.

I don't mean to belittle you or the work either. I just wanted to help you fix up the dialog problem. I couldn't comment on the story anyways. Besides, we're not here to learn nothing and just be patted on the back. Hope it helps.

Edit: Also, I'd recommend making sure there's a blank line between each and every paragraph. It's not too much of a big deal though when the paragraphs are short, consisting of one brief sentence.

Rynash · 02-03-2008, 03:51 PM

lol i still think it is awesome now post more><

shadowhaven · 02-03-2008, 08:42 PM

Great story I’m really intrigued to see what happens next.

I hope u don’t skip past the whole 5 against 40 in the woods with the secret hideout

If I had to give some constructive criticism it would be that your characters with obscure dialects like O’Neal needs a vocabulary built for him. You use ye and yer way to much maybe do some research on how different cultures speak, im not sure if your going for an Irish type or not. I also came across some typos that weren’t really a big deal but I can reread it and write them down if no one else has caught them for you. As far as grammar goes I suck at it and am currently trying to improve my own so I can’t give any advice there.

Good luck and good job

Kittenification · 02-03-2008, 10:24 PM

Thanks for the advice shadowhaven, I'll definitely try to read up on writing in dialect.

oh, and heres that next piece I said I would put up.

**************************************************

“Wake up boys.”
Mercius rose awkwardly, frowning as he remembered the events of the previous day.
“Get dressed” said the deep voice, and the figure silhouetted in the doorway pointed at the foot of his bed. Finding nothing but a linen kilt with a broad leather belt, Mercius put it on slowly.
“Follow.”

As they walked, Mercius noticed that the man he was following had a slight limp. Arriving outside the main building, he spotted Tommy or “LION“… he thought disdainfully standing next to their master, dressed similarly to himself. “There you are, pale boy. Let us begin our day as I begin every day, with a run. Once you have run three times around the full estate, you may meet me back at this spot. The sooner you are back here, the sooner you may eat.” Turning on his heel, he took off at an almost sprinting pace.
“I would not try to keep up with Tresivant if I were you.” said the man who had awakened Mercius “the run is about three miles total, and he’ll work you hard all day, every day.”

Nodding, Mercius set off at a moderate jog, Tommy following close behind. He had barely gotten halfway around the path that circled the outer fence of the estate when the master passed them for the first time. By the end of the run, Tommy was gasping for breath, and Mercius was dripping with sweat. As they jogged back to the main entrance of the house, Tresivant grinned at them “Now is my favorite part. Follow me closely.” Sprinting, to keep up with him, the boys didn’t notice the drop-off until they were too close. As he reached the edge, Tresivant leapt high into the air, plummeting out of their sight. Trying to stop, Mercius failed to slow himself and he fell, swinging his arms in the air to keep upright, as Tommy leapt outward.

As Mercius fell, he counted. one…two…three…four...fi- CRASH! In the space of half a second, he was deep underwater, swimming upwards. As he broke the surface, he heard deep, roaring laughter. Turning, he saw his master treading water several feet away “Fun isn’t it little one?” he said “This was once a quarry, but it filled with water, and now its good for this”
Looking down through the clear water, Mercius saw that the bottom, far below them, was near perfectly flat.
“That was excellent!” Tommy exclaimed, shaking his head like a dog as he surfaced “You do it every day?”
“Oh yes. The run too, and lifting. I like to be in good shape. It helps when I’m fighting your little, Legionnaires”
Climbing out of the water, the tall slaver stretched “Breakfast now I think.”
Climbing the steep stair etched into the rock face, Mercius felt his legs burn, but the pain left his mind as soon as they walked back into the main hall of Tresivant’s house, where the table was set with several plates of sliced fruits and cups of iced water.

“Now I will tell you a little more about what I do. I grew up here on this estate, and my father, an important diplomat, wanted me to follow in his footsteps, brokering peace between our nations. When I was seventeen, he took me north, intending that I should attend the famous university. On our way there however, we were attacked by the villagers of the town we were staying in. My father, diplomatic to the last was still trying to talk to them calmly when one stabbed him. I would have tried to fight them all then, but father’s men broke through the crowd and carried me to safety. When we arrived back here I swore revenge on those villagers, and I have trained. Now that I am older I have less hatred in my heart, but slaving is a lucrative business. My newest plan is to train a pair of fighters- that’s you, and enter them into the arena. Assuming they did well, I could easily profit enough from it to retire, which is, at this point all I really care about anymore. My revenge has been had.”

So if I do this Arena thing, and I do it well, then this man will take no more slaves… thought Mercius as he sipped at his water. “how long do you intend to train us?” he asked “and how long do arena fighters live?”
“You are twelve now?”
Mercius nodded
“Three years of training then. And combatants win their freedom after three years of fights. Now come, we will learn of the sword.”
Rising, they followed him out into the courtyard. “for your first year we will focus on a single longsword, possibly including the shield if you do well. Second year some two weapon or two handed weapon fighting, and third year we will learn exotic weapons. Now take the wooden sword up. This is your basic stance…”
As Tresivant spoke, Mercius daydreamed. Father already taught me all of this he thought, moving quickly through one of the basic forms he had been drilled in since he could stand and hold a blade.
“ho there boy, you have had much practice for one so young!”
Blinking, Mercius turned to face his master “You said you are the child of a legionnaire yes?”
He nodded.
“It shows boy.” said Tresivant “This is better than I could have hoped. You, Lion-child, have you any experience?”
“only at empty hand fighting sir, but I reckon I could even have you on your back at that.”

Tresivant laughed but began shifting his weight from one foot to the other slowly “show me then boy” he said. Tommy laughed aloud and began dancing back and forth, a quick little pattern, step, backstep, step, step backstep. Suddenly he cart wheeled past the large slaver, kicking him in the stomach as he did. Swinging his feet around as they came down, he hit Tresivant across the backs of his legs with both shins knocking him flat on his back. Dropping to all fours he kicked off the ground, going from a flat push-up position to a handstand. Continuing his movement he tucked one leg, the other chopping down onto Tresivant’s chest. As soon as the kick landed he reversed, rolling backwards to his feet “Sorry if I caused any injury sir, I got a little to excited there.”

Coughing, the large man rolled to his feet “What on earth was that?” he asked “I’ve never seen anything like it used in a fight”
“Its called Capoiera. All the men from the islands know it, although we usually deliberately miss with all our attacks- its more of a game than a fighting style, unless you really need to fight.”
“Well I was certainly surprised by it, and so you beat me easy. I want you to teach me and your brother-” he indicated Mercius “How to use it, at least a little.”
“Mercius since you seem to know a bit of swordwork, I’ll have you practice alone until Tommy knows the basics.”

Nodding, Mercius continued the fight patterns, stopping from time to time to watch as Tommy attempted something. After going through all the forms he knew several times he was stopped by Tresivant “Alright boy, you seem good. Lets see how you do in a fight.”
Mercius nodded, stepping back so there was a larger space between them “These blades are blunt, but try to maintain control, and avoid hits to the face” said his master, circling slowly, blade extended in front of him.
After completing a complete circle, he attacked, slowly at first then faster as he saw the boy’s confidence “very nice skeleton boy. Whoever taught you the basics did very well. I don’t know if I have ever seen such clean blocks.”
Stepping back Mercius turned his body so that his sword was in the hand farther from Tresivant and settled into a ready crouch, backing up slowly as the slaver moved forward before suddenly lunging forward, blade flicking out to strike Tresivant’s ankle before slashing upwards and dive-rolling away to avoid counterattack.

“Well I’ll be damned. I should have named you viper, child. That was FAR better than I would expect from someone your age.” said Tresivant, rubbing his ankle.
“My Da first taught me sword when I was four. Since I was seven I practiced every day, with either him or the other legionnaires at the garrison.”
“Very good. Now let us have one last fight, both of you against me.”
As they moved onto opposite sides of him, Tresivant feinted at Tommy before spinning to attack Mercius, forcing him back quickly. Mercius waited for an opening and stabbed out, but his master dodged easily, stepping close to him grabbing his sword hand and throwing him at Tommy, who rolled aside and rushed Tresivant with a series of fast chopping attacks. In spite of the obvious lack of finesse, he pressed his larger opponent back for several seconds before locking blades with him. Surging forward, Tresivant drove him to the ground, whirling to knock Mercius down as he rose. “I will usually tone it down when I’m fighting you, but from time to time I will engage you full-on, both to keep myself in practice and to keep you from becoming overconfident.”

Helping the boys up he walked towards the house “Come now. Every other day we will go into my gymnasium and lift weights and perform exercises to increase flexibility. On the days when we aren’t in there you will be given free time, which I encourage you to use practicing something or reading- theres a library above the gymnasium.” Pushing open some double doors, he stood to the side “The gymnasium.” In the large square room there were leather mats for wrestling, bars, rings hanging from the ceiling, and numerous metal weights “Alright, I’m sure neither of you have done this before so I’ll start you slowly” said Tresivant “You’re still going to be sore though, so make sure to stretch as well as you can.”
I still think it’s strange that he would be so kind to us thought Mercius It’s like he doesn’t think we’ll try to escape…

************************************************** *

Thats that for now. I'll probably put some more up in a few days, but I'm making sure I stay well ahead in the writing.

Rynash · 02-05-2008, 02:00 PM

nice dude tht looks gd and ye plz dont skip the 5 against 40 bit tht sounded good