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RebelliousFantasyLover · 11-12-2007, 04:51 PM

Chapter Two
Heading Home

Gazing up at the ghostly-looking Damavand Mountains, Mikaela Summers sighed, she had flown from Qatar, all the way to Tehran and now, finding out it was all for nothing, she was determined to return to her normal life, although she had everything she could have wanted, friends, respect, everything anyone could have wanted. Her soft, wavy brown hair was spread out all over her sleeping bag as the curious 17-year-old grimaced as she swatted a gnat off her face and started to think back to when she was at Beacon High School... her nerdy taste, her head always buried in a book, wishing shw was not a normal teen, but then, when Tarja had come for her, she had known something was different about her, her family had been killed in a 'freak accident,' being brought up by her cousins, who were determined that she was a freak, like her family.

12 years ago, Mikaela had been picked, handpicked, by the greatest warrior ever, 18-year-old Tarja Hollowayz.

He had come to her school in New York, took her outside her English class and showed her so many different things; ranging from spells to wandwork and swordplay.
Mikaela was amazed: she was a witch

As Mikaela listened to Tarja, she found out her parents were witch and warlock, they had given her an amulet, which Mikaela had never taken off.
An amazing object of immense power, which, when used correctly, can destroy all living mortals.

Mikaela had soon left with Tarja, on the back of a HUGE silver dragon, and went to a secret base, deep in the Appalachian Mountains. Soon all the students welcomed Mikaela, and she found out she was the Chosen One, the only one with immense power to destroy the Sorceresses, Amanda and her sister, Jacqueline.

Mikaela had grown best friends with another witch, a girl, 1-2 months older than her, called Kelli Taylor.

She liked Kelli, and Kelli liked her, but Mikaela was starting to miss the bullying from every one at Beacon High School, she missed being freaky, a loner, someone no-one wanted anything to do with.

Mikaela knew the only difference from New York to the Appalachian Mountains was everyone liked her. Everyone knew about her HUGE crush on Tarja, and some people said her felt the same.

Mikaela was sick and tired of all their lying, all the way they moved out of her way,as though she thought she was higher up than they were.

I'll do the rest later, 'cuz I'm at school at the moment, by the way, I will rewrite this some more, but I'll make this Chapter Two, and the new one Chapter One!! lol

RFLxx

JHB · 11-12-2007, 09:37 PM

Seems more like a summary, than a book chapter. If I were you, I would go back and, useing this as my template, rewrite the whole thing, really fleshing out the characters and their motives.

Then again, how you write is totally up to you.

RebelliousFantasyLover · 11-13-2007, 02:05 AM

Sorry, I am totally lost by what you mean!

Ummm, If it needs editing can you sorta help me with that?? I am still a little bit learning and I am not 100% sure what you mean!! Sorry...

Doh!

Cefor · 11-13-2007, 12:47 PM

Well I don't think it is a summary as such..... yet it is VERY rushed, there is nothing there to make it even a short story, as it is actually a bit too short and doesn't go anywhere.

I suggest doing what JHB said and re-write it, this time really expand on what you are showing the reader. Describe the seperate events individually. Really work on it and make it a longer piece add description and dialouge.

Oh and ground is spelt like that < not griund

RebelliousFantasyLover · 11-13-2007, 03:22 PM

Okay. I'll do that!! I just fix it and see how my 1st chap goes K??

Thanxx 4 your feedback

Shinn · 11-14-2007, 07:25 PM

Hi there RFL,

Once more, I'll agree with JHB and Cefor; take your time on this piece and make it a longer story. Then you might have space to add in more events, that are important to the plot of your story. Keep up the good work!

~ Shinn

Rambling Sage · 11-14-2007, 09:28 PM

it is definitely rushed and needs to be more descriptive. I agree with JHB who said it sounds like a summary. It has all the major points, but is missing some of the stuff in between: descriptions, characterizations, stuff to move the plot along, etc.

i would say go back and re-write. Also when you write, it sounds like you are writing really fast, I would try and slow down a bit if that is the case, if not then completely ignore me.

RebelliousFantasyLover · 11-14-2007, 10:33 PM

i'll fix it up when i got tym!!!

RFL

Bucky24 · 11-16-2007, 12:08 AM

JK Rowlings did the same thing for all the Harry Potter books, doing a brief (usually twenty pages, but compared to the rest of the book, it was brief) summary of what had happened in the previous novels, so new readers didn't feel left out, but I look at this and feel that to make a good summary it should be at least three pages... I have no problem with it being a summary of something that has happened before (just a little left out at not being able to read in detail about the previous events). Just flesh it out a little bit.

-Bucky24

lostincyberspace · 11-16-2007, 12:41 AM

One thing to remember is to read it out loud to your self. use a printed copy and make notes all the time.

RebelliousFantasyLover · 11-16-2007, 01:20 AM

Thank you for the help. I am still working on this so I will fix it up and 'flesh the character' out some more. I will make it longer, but I was at school, during a class when I wrote it on so I didn't have much time to fix things up properly.

THANKS
RFL...

Cefor · 11-16-2007, 02:46 PM

Ok thats fine. Just remember the points said here and you will be fine.

RebelliousFantasyLover · 12-09-2007, 06:27 PM

Hey, I know some of you might like this story, but I can't think of anything to add to it so I am pullin' the plug on it, but if you want me to keep going can you tell me if you have an idea to keep it going.

Yours RFL

P.S, sorry if you were interested in it, but I can't think of anything, sorry.!!