fearnly

Hi. This is an introduction to a book I'm writing. It's set in a fantasy world. I'm a complete amateur writer who does it just for fun and this is my first go. It'd be great if you could give me some feedback. Thanks.


The full moon glistened softly on the water of Lake Asai. A more peaceful night there had not been in weeks. The cool, crisp breeze gently moved the bowing limbs of the trees lining the shore. The humidity of the past few days broken, a new vigour was given to the guards stood on duty by the lakehouse.

“I don’t understand why an entire regiment of the best Imperial Republican Guards have to be stationed at a post like this in the middle of nowhere, guarding some… some house!”
“It is orders given directly from The Overseer himself. We’re to remain here until relieved of duty by the daywatch. I don’t see why you’re complaining. Triple pay and you get to see your kids in the afternoons” replied the guard captain to his second in command. The guards, clad in full royal armour bearing the emblem of the Republic; five crystals each representing a God, had been stationed at the lake for three days. Armed with the latest in oraca powered weaponry (high concentrated lunar energy), the few orders they had been given were to guard the lakehouse, do not enter it under any circumstance and wait for relief on the fourth morning.

If they had taken a walk to the other side of the lake, they would have discovered their relief, lying dead on the ground. Sixteen Imperial Guards, still in formation, weapons holstered, faces contorted in agony.

As the guards stood vigilantly, protecting something far greater than they could comprehend, they did not notice the soft footsteps traversing across the lake. Seamlessly floating across the water, the figure headed towards the lakehouse with haste and fervour, the reflection of the moon remaining undisturbed on the waters surface. Getting ever nearer and gaining speed, the being dressed in a black hooded cloak began to tingle with anticipation. Soon it would set in motion a chain of events that would change the world forever. It would all began with what lay guarded in the Lakehouse.

Tantalisingly close now, the being began to recite a name, over and over. “Sylea. Sylea. Sylea.” The whisper on the wind carried to the guards ears. They drew their guns. Bullets flew high and low, but the cover of night was unforgiving. Reciting faster and faster now, the figure began to glow. More and more bullets flew by. Closer, ever closer. A bullet scathed the leg drawing blood. Unflinching, it was upon them. Throwing back its hooded cloak, it revealed itself.

A bright light engulfed the entire lakeside area, drowning out the moons glow and illuminating the water in a basking white aura. The guards went to scream, mouths agape, but no sound was heard. They dropped to their knees, entire bodies engulfed in the light. Faces, backs, skin on fire. The light penetrated their armour. The pain escalated and spiralled onwards, reaching the very cores of their bodies. Then release. The beautiful light overwhelmed their senses, took hold of them, became them. All sixteen guards dropped to the floor motionless. The light withdrew and peace returned to the lake. The trees no longer swayed in the breeze. The water no longer lapped the shore. Everything was still.

The figure climbed the stairs to the lakehouse, its prize in view. It turned to the corpses. The pale figure of a man, his face tinged with sadness and grief, he said,
“My name is Erasmus. Remember that name. Sylea have mercy on your souls.”

The full moon continued to shine brightly, now with an eerie tinge to it. It had a dullish red glow echoing the blood spilled at the lake that night by Erasmus and his forbidden God, Sylea the Damned.

cat1010

Okay, first off I'd like to say I did like your story so far! There's a lot good points in here. But I'm assuming you posted on the forums for some constructive criticism, so here goes...

Quote:

The full moon glistened softly on the water of Lake Asai. [1]A more peaceful night there had not been in weeks. [2]The cool, crisp breeze gently moved the bowing limbs of the trees lining the shore. The humidity of the past few days broken, a new [3]vigour was given to the guards [4]stood on duty by the lakehouse.[5]

[1]You could probably cut out the following sentence unless you're going to go into detail sometime soon about why the weeks before this one had been so 'unpeaceful'. You get the peacefulness across well without it.

[2]I'd change the pattern in one of these sentences so it didn't begin with the word 'the'. For example: Bowing limbs swayed in the cool, crisp breeze as it swept across the tree lined shore.

[3] should be vigor

[4] to the guards standing, or to the guards that stood

[5]Also, maybe you could show the vigor instead of telling us about it. Mention how the lack of humidity affected their stance or calmed their tempers or made them more alert or something.

Quote:

“I don’t understand why an entire regiment of the best Imperial Republican Guards have to be stationed at a post like this in the middle of nowhere, guarding some… some house!”

From this section I get that the speaker is rather cocky and doesn't care much for authority. Either that or the Imperial Republican Guards don't address their higher ups with respect, or that he is very good friends with the captain.

This person also seems more annoyed, belligerent, and bored than vigorous... which jars me after the previous paragraph ending.

Quote:

[1]“It is orders given directly from The Overseer himself. We’re to remain here until relieved of duty by the daywatch. I don’t see why you’re complaining. Triple pay and you get to see your kids in the afternoons” replied the guard captain to his second in command. [2]The guards, clad in full royal [3]armour bearing the emblem of the Republic; [4]five crystals each representing a God, had been stationed at the lake for three days. Armed with the latest in oraca powered weaponry (high concentrated lunar energy), the few orders they had been given were to guard the lakehouse, do not enter it under any circumstance and wait for relief on the fourth morning.

[1]The first two sentences in this paragraph sound formal, like a captain addressing a subordinate. The next two sentences sound very informal, like two friends talking. Maybe change them, or add a 'beat' in between to help prepare us for the sudden change. Example:

“It is orders given directly from The Overseer himself. We’re to remain here until relieved of duty by the daywatch." replied the guard Captain to his second in command. He turned away from the lake for a moment, shaking his head as he did. "I don’t see why you’re complaining. Triple pay and you get to see your kids in the afternoons”

[2]Maybe a new paragraph here?

[3]armor?

[4]Is it possible to split this into two sentences? It's reads a little awkward with the armor description thrown in the middle.

If you wanted, you could extend the dialog here. Just a few more sentences might make me see them as real people. It would make me feel a little more terror at the end if I felt a connection to these guards. (On reading the whole way through this piece, however, I'm not sure if the guards are good guys or bad guys. If they're bad guys, then I don't really need anymore dialog.)

Quote:

If they had taken a walk to the other side of the lake, they would have discovered their relief, lying dead on the ground. Sixteen Imperial Guards, still in formation, weapons holstered, faces contorted in agony.

I like this part. Kinda creepy and surprising.

Quote:

As the guards stood vigilantly, protecting something far greater than they could comprehend, they did not notice the [1]soft footsteps traversing across the lake. Seamlessly floating across the water, the figure [2]headed towards the lakehouse with haste and fervour, the reflection of the moon remaining undisturbed on the [3]waters surface. Getting ever nearer and gaining speed, [4]the being dressed in a black hooded cloak began to tingle with anticipation. Soon it would set in motion a chain of events that would change the world forever. It would all began with what lay guarded in the Lakehouse.

[1] 'soft footsteps' seems like strange word choices here. I'm not sure if you mean fuzzy soft or quiet soft. And I don't think you can 'seamlessly float' and make 'footsteps'. Maybe 'they did not notice the dark shape moving across the lake.'

[2] If you use a more descriptive verb here, you can cut out 'with haste and fervor'.

[3]water's

[4]'the black cloaked being began to tingle with anticipation' sounds a little tighter. Your readers can assume the hood.

Quote:

Tantalisingly close now, the being began to recite a name, over and over. “Sylea. Sylea. Sylea.” The whisper on the wind carried to the guards ears. They drew their guns. Bullets flew high and low, but the cover of night was [1]unforgiving. Reciting faster and faster now, the figure began to glow. More and more bullets flew by. Closer, ever closer. A bullet scathed the leg drawing blood. Unflinching, it was upon them. Throwing back its [2]hooded cloak, it revealed itself.

[1]This paragraph seems to be written from the 'beings' view. If so, the cover of night would be a welcome thing.

[2]'throwing off its cloak' would be more appropriate since later you describe the being as ' The pale figure of a man'.

Quote:

A bright light engulfed the entire lakeside area, drowning out the [1]moons glow and illuminating the water in a [2]basking white aura. The guards went to scream, mouths agape, but no sound was heard. They dropped to their knees, entire bodies engulfed in the light. Faces, backs, skin on fire. The light penetrated their armour. The pain escalated and [3]spiralled onwards, reaching the very cores of their bodies. Then release. The [4]beautiful light overwhelmed their senses, took hold of them, became them. All sixteen guards dropped to the floor motionless. The light withdrew and peace returned to the lake. The trees no longer swayed in the breeze. The water no longer lapped the shore. Everything was still.

[1]moon's

[2]I'd use a more violent descriptive that 'basking' here. Searing? Scorching?

[3]spiraled. And you can delete 'onwards'... it's not needed.

[4]it seems odd that a weapon would be described as beautiful. It makes me think maybe this being isn't a 'bad guy' after all. So if that's the desired effect, go with it and then ignore my [2] comment also.



[1]I would rearrange this last part to read:

The figure climbed the stairs to the lakehouse, its prize in view. It turned to the corpses. “My name is Erasmus. Remember that name." The pale figure of a man, his face tinged with sadness and grief, went on, "Sylea have mercy on your souls.”

Quote:

The full moon continued to shine brightly, now with an eerie tinge to it. It had a [1]dullish red glow echoing the blood spilled at the lake that night by Erasmus and his forbidden God, Sylea the Damned.

[1]dull

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