Space Battle from "The Hive" - Page 2 - Writers Forum

Bucky24 · 11-08-2007, 01:21 PM

Ok, read it all through... I agree with VigorousMastication about the grammer-I don't critique grammer because mine is so horrible... I also agree about the characters... it is only the start of the peice (I'm talking about the last part you uploaded here), and so character development hasn't really happened yet, but you shouldn't get too much furthur without fleshing them out, otherwise the reader won't care about them and won't get drawn into the story.

-Bucky24

RebelliousFantasyLover · 11-08-2007, 07:38 PM

I agree with Bucky. But it is really great!!!

ChrisBFL · 11-09-2007, 07:53 AM

This is very good advice. I had been wroking hard on clean up of the first 6 chapters as these are what have been reqested by the agencies that are looking at the novel but I really need to spend like an entire weekend doing a critical review of the other 2/3rds of the book for the kinds of things that you mention. Sorry about the font and spacing. That is how it seems to come out once I copy from the text (which is 12 point and double spaced) and then paste it. Also, having British parents and having done some of my education in England, I tend to phrase my writing more like a Brit than an American. I did want to include a favorite part where the Chinese who have gotten to the alien artifact first attempt to capture it and claim it fo China. The Chinese had built an "Orion" powered ship, using nuclear bombs, exploded behind a massive curved steel plate for propulsion:

The plan by the Chinese was as audacious as it was simple. Where the crew of the Prometheus planned to board and inspect the artifact, removing parts of the alien for return to Earth, the Chinese would take the entire probe with them, back to Earth orbit. The Chairman Mao had a standard industrial type hydraulic grapple modified for use in space that was recessed into the mid-point of the ship. This was the Mao’s center of gravity. The enormous peak impulses delivered by the nuclear explosions would easily compensate for the added mass of the alien probe that would be claimed as property of the People’s Republic of China. The ruling politburo was certain this dramatic demonstration of China’s abilities in space would assure that China, not Russia or America or Europe would be the leading nation in space as well as on Earth. Yes, China would participate in the alliance but only on China’s terms and no one else’s. On board the Chairman Mao, the staged patriotism and slogans of praise of the “Exalted Leader” were broadcast to the Chinese people as the crew preformed them under the threat of death from Political Office Fong.

On Board the Prometheus: Approaching the Alien Artifact

“Why has the Chinese ship not moved?” asked Major Demidov in a thick accent. Captain Karen Gleason shook her head then answered,
“I don’t know Major. Maybe they’re having some sort of trouble on board. According to their broadcasts to Earth, everything is one great Communist Party celebration on the Mao.”
Demidov furrowed his forehead lowering his thick black eye bows, nearly obscuring his eyes.
“I do not like this at all. Perhaps they temp us to approach and perhaps we shall meet with an “unfortunate accident”. I for one do not trust them. I suggest we stay at least thirty five kilometers distant in case they attempt to exit a nuclear bomb at us. I will keep particle beam cannon charged as protection for us should this occur.”
“I agree Major. I’ve tried to hail the Mao to see if they need our assistance but I have had no response. Let’s wait and see what they want to do. We’re in no hurry.” Then Captain Gleason had a thought.
“Gabriella, would you please lock the external cameras onto both the artifact and the Chinese ship and set them to transmit to Earth?” If anything unusual occurs, I want it documented for the world to see.”
Commander Chung Yoon-Ngan was floating upside down along with a female electronics technician working through a mass of tangled colored wires from the damaged navigation computer. They had already replaced two of the shorted out modules and had four more to go when his wife, a fellow crew member called on his head set in alarm.
“The Prometheus is now within range and has placed itself in a parking orbit thirty six kilometers distant. They are hailing us: asking us if we need assistance. If we show that we are damaged, they will race ahead of us to claim the artifact. Our cause will be lost.”
Ngan was about to answer that he did not wish to approach the alien device without having all his ship’s system functioning properly. He was the commander and his crew was his responsibility. However, the political officer had been listening to his private channel and floated up to the commander, grabbing him and spinning him around.
“Ngan! You must immediately secure the alien device! Do you understand! If you do not I will personally shoot you for treason!”
“You are insane Fong! I will not place my ship and my crew at risk. It was your stupid meddling and damned staged propaganda displays that caused this problem. You nearly killed my weapon’s officer! You will not kill me or else how could you get your sorry cowardly ass back to Earth! Answer me that!
The political officer’s lips were pressed together and had blanched white with rage. He pulled the small caliber pistol from his uniform.
“Maybe you think you have power here Commander Chung Yoon-Ngan but you do not. Alright, you must live to return the Mao to Earth but your wife does not need to. You do as I command immediately or I will kill her. Do I make myself clear?”
Commander Ngan, suspecting something of this nature may occur had, unknown to Fong, turned on one of the internal cameras along with the audio. In an hour and fifteen minutes the entire violent tantrum of Political Officer Fong would reach Earth.
The Commander, fearing for the life of his wife, slid into the command chair and began to fire the reaction jets by hand since the navigation computer was still not operational. He then turned to the electronics technician.
“Here, you sit in the Weapons Officer Chung’s seat.”
A look of panic came over the woman’s face
“But sir, what shall I do? I am not trained for this!”
“Yes, I know this but it seems our political officer has left us with no other option. If we detect anything fired at us from the alien, push this button. From then on everything is automatic. The interceptor missiles will track and destroy any incoming threat.
On board the Prometheus, Captain Gleason called out “They’re moving! Heading for the alien probe! I read their radar coming on. I guess we’re beaten.”
The bulk of the Chairman Mao was turning to present its underbelly to the alien device. From the lower center of the ship the grapple began to extend. It would reach out more then sixty feet from the Mao. It was a gigantic articulating lobster claw poised to grab the alien device and pull it tight to the Mao. As the distance to the alien closed to within eighteen kilometers Ngan ordered the proximity radar switched on as he would have to maneuver the Mao under manual control. The radar bathed the alien probe in a wash of microwaves, activating a series of commands deep within the electronic brain of the device. The creatures that built the probe had planned for different contingencies by using an autonomous self- decision making programs. The probe contained enough artificial intelligence to defend itself. The probe had seen the approach of the Mao from the realm of the inner planets and dutifully recorded and transmitted this information to the approaching fleet. The probe would ignore a large craft as it could not tell whether it was a Hive ship or not. But, the radar pattern from this vessel was much the same as the small device that the probe had destroyed months earlier. The decision making programs of the alien had confirmed this was a threat and must be eliminated. Jets of gas puffed as the alien artifact slowly turned, bringing the thee, five meter long tubes that had been observed earlier to bear on the Chairman Mao. All this could clearly be seen on the screens of the Prometheus. Colin Hewette shouted to Karen Gleason “Warn them! Tell them to get the Hell out of there now!”
As Captain Gleason reached for the transmit button, everyone on board watched in horror as one of the five meter tubes detached from the alien and its rocket motor ignited. On the command deck of the Chairman Mao, Commander Ngan saw this happen as well and watched the threat display light up, followed by the blaring of a warning klaxon. His technician screamed for help. Ngan told her to push the button to fire interceptor missiles at once. The panicked tech mashed her thumb down on the firing button sending a series of electronic command to the fire control computer. In less than a thousandth of a second the fire control radar had acquired the approaching target and sent the launch command down a conduit of wires that exited the ship to the six Han missiles and then… nothing happened. In near panic the tech hit the button again as the alien weapon closed the distance to the Mao. Again, nothing! During the detonation of dozens of nuclear bombs, one of the wires to the small CPU that would ignite the Han missiles had shaken loose. The signal to fire had reached a dead end. The Mao was now defenseless. In desperation Ngan activated the launch system to exit a nuclear bomb in a last ditch attempt to escape. The bomb shot from the firing port but in the instant before it ignited, the alien missile struck the Chairman Mao amidships. Within the egg shaped tip of the missile, circuits closed as the intense beam of coherent energy was focused on a tritium isotope pellet in the center of the polonium core. In nanoseconds the uncontrolled fusion reaction spread, releasing fifteen megatons of thermonuclear energy. From the bridge of the Prometheus, thirty six kilometers distant, it looked as if someone had placed the sun directly in front of them. The blast was ravenous, seeming to suck in the blackness of space only to grow and swell like a supernova. Certainly the Mao’s own supply of nuclear bombs had also detonated, adding their energy to the one million degree fireball. As it expanded, the white hot sphere began to cool to a fiery orange then spread out like a ghostly glowing ring of light from the epicenter of the blast. Nothing remained of the Mao and her crew but disassociated atoms hurtling through space. Even the massively reinforced blast plate had been transformed into glowing plasma that slowly dissipated into the void. The entire Prometheus crew watched in stunned silence. Gabriella, staring at the screen made the sign of the cross. The only sound aboard the Prometheus was the pounding of the crew’s own hearts. Finally Karen Gleason began to speak, her voice shaking with each word.
“Prometheus…Houston Cap Com….Prometheus… Houston Cap Com… this is Captain Karen Gleason commanding the Prometheus… the Mao has been destroyed…. I repeat the Chinese vessel Chairman Mao has been destroyed…vaporized by the artifact…

Bucky24 · 11-09-2007, 11:54 AM

Ah, 12 point double-spaced-the industry standard. Drives me crazy every time I have to submit something-makes it twice as long as I intended.

This part adds an interesting twist... I see nothing wrong at first read, though I'm sure that some of the other more experienced writers will be able to point things out (I mainly look at story flow, and this seems all right to me).

If you're submitting this to publishers, you probably can't post the whole thing here, can you? Shame...

-Bucky24