Zonda

Alright...this story has been floating around my head for a while. Pretty much a zombie story :-P one of those apocalyptic doomsday scenarios, through the eyes of a teenage boy. Its got all sorts planned for it...symbolism, plot twists, teenage angst/drama, action...whatever i can come up with =) the problem is...the beginning is still kinda hazy in my mind. soooo ive started inwards a bit....at like chapter 5 or 6 O_o well, heres what ive got so far. all sorts of comments and criticism are greatly appreciated...ill pop in to read reviews, and hopefully get more of it in here for reading pleasures. Maybe ill get beginning eventually! =O shocker, i know

oh, and sorry if it copies and pastes funny.


Seth walked down the steps. Why did he always end up doing the most menial tasks? There was no set leader, but he knew the others often looked towards him when a decision was to be made. It was he who had kept the group together all this time, and how was it repaid? He gets the short straw and has to check out the basement. Seth doubted there would be anything of use down there. It was an office building, after all. It was doubtful that some spare paper would help against the infected.
As he continued down the stairway, he noticed that a sort of reddish-brown crust had formed on the steps. Rust maybe? He crouched down to get a better look. No…not rust. It didn’t quite have the right texture or coloring. His heart started to pump faster and faster. He shined his flashlight down the stairway, revealing a trail of the red-brown crust, almost layering the entire walkway. He unholstered his pistol, raising it up and pointing down the stairs. Seth quickly produced his radio from his back pocket. “Chris? We might have a problem downstairs…” There was a brief pause, and then Chris’s voice: “I’ll be down in a few.”
Seth cautiously walked further down, pistol at the ready. If there was an infected down here, he probably would have been attacked by now…he surely was making enough light and noise for anyone to notice his presence. The blood on the stairs was dry, so if anything had been down there, it probably would have long since left. He finally reached the bottom of the stairs. There was a dank, musty smell downstairs, indicating that maybe water had leaked down and caused the contents to mold.
He shined his light on the floor, and followed the dried trail with both light and gun. It swerved around the room, and finally went into the far corner. His heart almost stopped. There, in the dimly-lit corner, was the form of a slim teenage girl. “Hello?” Seth called out. The girl’s head snapped in his direction. A pair of hazel eyes stared at him…a pair of cold, emotionless hazel eyes. The eyes of an infected. His gun hand snapped up, finger ready to pull the trigger. She got up, and slowly began to walk, one step at a time, towards him.
He should have fired. He should have fired the second he realized she was infected. But he couldn’t. His body turned to ice, unable to move, unable to comprehend. All he could do was stare at her face. Her hazel eyes, her blond hair, her fair complexion… “Eve…?” he barely was able to whisper. She then began to run at him, eyes filled with hunger and mouth letting out a gurgling snarl. Seth could only stand and watch, as the girl he would have died for ran toward him, with the sole intent of making him do exactly that.






He couldn't move. He couldn't shoot, couldn't yell, couldn't breathe...all he could do was think. Everything flashed through his mind at once. It would only take a few seconds for Eve to reach him, but in those few seconds what seemed like a lifetime of memories went through his head.
FLASH He sat alone on the bus, 7th grade field trip. A small blonde girl invited him to sit with her. She had the most amazing hazel eyes.... FLASH That same little blonde girl came to his birthday party, one of his few real friends. He was overjoyed. FLASH 8th grade started up...the strange slightly-plump boy with the dark hair and the pretty girl with the blonde hair were near inseparable. FLASH The strange boy with the dark hair had another birthday, his circle of friends larger but always with the same people as before...one in particular.... FLASH High school began. The strange boy found that there were others like him, who shared his interests and quirks. He was not as strange as he thought. He became accepted. FLASH The blonde girl with the hazel eyes found that boys were interested in her. She began to wear mainstream clothing styles and make up. She became popular. FLASH They were still friends. FLASH The dark haired boy lay on his bed, reading a note. She had a boyfriend now, a junior, and wasn't able to spend as much time with him. It was signed “<3 Always, Eve”. A single tear dropped on the note, smudging the little heart. FLASH A month later, he sat with his dearest friend, comforting her as she sobbed over her ex-boyfriend who had dumped her. Her sadness cut into him like a knife. FLASH The first year of high school ended. Over those months, the blonde girl had several more boyfriends, and none of them ever cared about her as much as he did. He spent his 15th birthday with his dearest Evey-ness. They laughed, shared their inside jokes, and once again he was overjoyed. FLASH Another year of high school began. Once again, the blonde girl had her boyfriends. They began to last longer, but it always ended the same: with her tears. He wanted so much to help her, to let her know she deserved better... FLASH The dark haired boy was comforting the blonde girl again, this time at the side of a toilet. He held her hair back as she threw up. She had gone to a party with some guy, and was once again used. And, once again, she did not realize that the one boy who had always loved her was right there next to her. FLASH Sophomore year ended. He was near the top of his class. She was near the bottom. FLASH Another birthday passed, his 16th. The blonde girl was there, but left early to meet up with some guy. He fell asleep that night, a piece of paper with a single smug clutched in his hand. FLASH Junior year began. The dark haired boy tried at a few relationships of his own, but he couldn't seem to find someone right for him. His thoughts kept going back to someone else.... FLASH Junior year continued on. The blonde girl got yet another boyfriend, this one seemingly steady. She was finally happy. The dark haired boy was happy as well...for her. FLASH The boy began to notice a change in the girl's usually happy personality. He approached her. She told him not to worry. He tried not to. FLASH He noticed a bruise on her arm, the first of several to come. He approached her again. She told him not to worry. He couldn't not. FLASH Her new boyfriend openly yelled at her and slapped her in the hallway. The boy approached her yet again. She told him not to worry. He refused. FLASH The boy gave the girl a ride home after the football game, because she was afraid to ride with her boyfriend. She spilled her heart out to him. This time HE told HER not to worry. She hugged him tight. FLASH His cell phone rang. She needed him, now more than ever. He was going to go see her the next day. FLASH He was driving down a country road. Every once and a while he passed the figure of a person walking along the road. Some waved or ran towards his car, but he kept driving. He had only one thing on his mind. Only one person. He had to reach her...nothing else mattered now. On the side of the road ahead someone was being attacked by two other human figures. His eyes filled with tears, and he sped up. He couldn't lose her. She was his life, his world, his reason that he was still breathing. If she were taken from him... FLASH His life... FLASH His world... FLASH His reason... FLASH Was he still breathing? FLASH If she was taken.... FLASH He couldn't take it anymore FLASH Couldn't FLASH Take... FLASH FLASH FLASH CRACK
The shot brought him back to reality. Eve's head whipped back, and her forehead sprayed blood out of a quarter-sized hole that appeared from nowhere. The dark haired boy watched in horror as the once-beautiful little blonde girl fell silently backwards. It all seemed to happen in slow motion...he watched helplessly for each and every agonizing second. She hit the ground with a light thud, and moved no more. She had only been about five feet away from him. Another second, and....
“The score is two-one now, my lead. Damn straight!” Chris grinned at him from the stairway. Seth fell to his knees. He couldn't take his eyes off the corpse in front of him. In his head the sight of her falling backward looped over and over again. “Hey, a simple thanks would be great. I did just save your sorry ass. What happened, did your gun jam up?” Chris asked. Seth didn't respond, didn't even look at him.
“Dude, what's up?” Now Chris could tell something was wrong. “Did you just kinda freeze up...?” Seth couldn't take it anymore. “DAMN IT CHRIS, WILL YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP?!?” Chris stepped back, stunned, his eyes wide. Never before had he heard Seth talk like this. “DO YOU THINK I GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOUR DAMN SCORE?!? Do you even understand what has happened?!? Everyone is dead, Chris! Everyone you know...everyone they knew, and the people that knew them. You mom, sister, second cousin, and even your ex-girlfriend Kate you used to mess around with all the time! Hell, for all we know we could be the last survivors! No one is going to help us...its just us! And here you are, having a hella good time blowing off the heads of zombies, who used to be real people! This isn't Dawn of the Fucking Dead, this is real! We can't just sally forth to the nearest mall and call it Fort Chillin', and just wait for this whole this to blow over. We are going to all die out here if you don't Grow. The fuck. Up!”
Seth fell over, sobbing to himself. Chris couldn't speak. His eyes were still wide with shock...he fell back into the wall, and slid down into a sitting position. The cold hard truth of Seth's words sunk in, and the harsh reality of the situation hit him like a brick. He stared at the infected he had just killed. The thought that that could have been someone he knew once...
Seth stood up. He holstered his gun, and began to slowly and shakily walk towards the stairs. Chris could see the tears roll down his face, as Seth began his ascent up the stairs. Chris listened to the footsteps for a long time, until they reached the top of the stairs, listened to the door open and close. He finally got the strength to stand up. He got up, and walked over to the corpse. The second he got a good look at it, he froze. He saw the blonde hair, the pale skin, the small, slender form... He fell to his knees. “Oh God...I shot Evey...”

Bucky24

I would like it better if the flashback were on separate lines... it would make reading them much easier. A few times I got onto the wrong line by mistake because they were so close together. However, I make a point of not critiquing grammer, because mine is so bad that I would feel like a hypocrite. The story is very good. I can feel the drama and how he feels. It has promise. Just make sure not to make it into anotherhacker-slasher book; give it a special twist and it will be great.

-Bucky24

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Zonda

Alright, thanks. Will do. Yeah, i figured i needed to separate them somehow...and the way it copied made it even worse.

ppl0258

Not sure how well the flash word works. Maybe this format doesn't give us the room to see it when it is all bunched up. And I think you might be trying to fit too much information about the former their former life into the quick flashes. Maybe use shorter more concise sentances to explain right off that they are hunting infected beings and a conversation between the hunters could easily show that some are callus and some are still sensitive to their losses.
I like the story line, just needs some polishing...