'Til Death Do Us Part - WritingForums.com - Writing Forums, Writing Challenges, Critiques and Help for Writers

mashowasho · 11-02-2007, 03:13 PM

Futhark · 11-02-2007, 04:42 PM

Masho, this is an interesting plotline. Of course, I'm a sucker for gods-among-men tales, anyway, so you hooked me pretty easily. The end, in particular, was great.

Just a few comments before I dive into the edit:

First, I thought the dialogue was far too stilted. Maybe it's just me, but I can't imagine a god of Chaos saying something like "You know me, I’m a nice guy really, aren’t I?” He sounds like a teenager (and a somewhat mopey one, at that), not a millennia-old god of chaos and destruction. Also along these lines, I think the story would be well served if you replaced just about every exclamation point with a period. As it stands, it reads very much like a comic book. You can easily show emotion without abusing punctuation, and doing so makes the dialogue and story flow better. With this in mind, I decided not to do much editing with the dialogue. If you play around with it a little (speaking your characters's lines aloud really helps), you'll get the feel for it pretty easily.

Second, though I liked the premise, I think it would make a little more sense if the destruction of an entire building wasn't the product of a temper tantrum. I'm not suggesting that you change Sethimaeus's character, just that you show him to be more than the geeky doofus he seems to be. Maybe show him toppling some rubble onto an ambulance during his argument with Noctivagus; that would demonstrate his apparently bad temper. (Just a suggestion.) It would also make it clear to the reader that Sethimaeus has absolutely no regard for human life.

Other than that, I've got no more to add, save for the few small corrections and comments I've included in the edit. Like I said, I really like where this story is going. It has potential. I know I'd like to see how it ends up.

Below is the detailed edit. Corrections are in <brackets>. Comments are green.

Quote:

1: Inadvertent Promises

“So, what was the poor woman’s name?”
“Miranda, or Melanie, or Melissa, or… I dunno.”

It was an early winter morning, and in amongst piles of blackened, smoking rubble and flashing ambulance lights were the silent figures of the two Gods of Darkness and Chaos, invisible to human eyes. Are both of them Gods of Darkness and Chaos, or is one the God of Darkness and the other the God of Chaos? A simple clarifying edit would be (assuming the latter): ...were the silent figures of the God of Darkness and the God of Chaos, both invisible to human eyes. Both of them were nearing seven foot tall, but the similarities ended there. By "nearing", do you mean that they are growing as we watch? Nearing implies action. Consider replacing this with "close to" or a similar phrase. One was dressed in sombre colours of purple and black, the other in vibrant shades of orange.

“You don’t know!?” As I said in my general comments, I would delete or replace nearly every exclamation point in the story. That goes double for an exclamation point sidled up next to another punctuation mark: it smacks of comic books. replied the first man, flicking his black fringe of hair out of his face with annoyance. “You blew up a woman and took out a whole building of others because she rejected you and you didn’t even know her name? That’s reckless even for you, Sethimaeus. You can’t go blowing up every woman who won’t sleep with you!” He shook his head in amazement.

Though it may just be a matter of personal preference, I don't think you need all those adverbial phrases: "with annoyance," "in amazement." Your prose is strengthened if you show us through action or dialogue that Noctivagus is annoyed or amazed, instead of telling us that he is.

The other man scratched one of the small horns sprouting from his head in a moment of thought, before reaching inside his billowing orange robes for a cigar.
“Really now, Noctivagus. You haven’t been the same ever since you became an Ex-Demon Lord. You’re all full of morals and stuff! Can’t you see the funny side of anything?”

Noctivagus watched several paramedics running back and forth, ferrying the wounded and the dead from the scene. Instead of "from the scene", try something just a little more descriptive: "... ferrying the wounded and the dead from the rubble." This doesn't add any to the word count, but paints a much more vivid picture of the mayhem.
“No,” he replied.

“Okay, I’m bored! Let’s go!” Sethimaeus trilled, lighting his cigar and running a hand through his sandy<delete "-coloured": alternatively, you could say "sand-coloured"> hair. His yellow eyes had glazed over and it was clear he was fed up with the situation.

“Anyway, it’s not my fault! She was a good friend of mine! We were getting on real sociable like, and then she just dropped me! I don’t get it anyway – I’m not a bad-looking guy, right? I’m full of charm. Women should be throwing themselves at my feet!”

Noctivagus hadn’t moved from the spot. He was still surveying the scene.
“Don’t lie to me, Sethimaeus. It’s not as easy as that – women aren’t stupid, you know. They take one look at you and know exactly what you’re after. You can’t even hold a meaningful relationship with a woman, let alone a platonic friendship!”

“I could so! You know me, I’m a nice guy really, aren’t I?”
“I bet you couldn’t strike up a friendship with a woman without wanting to sleep with her. I know you too well.”
“See, I told you… what!?” Sethimaeus stopped and twirled his cigar in his fingers. Kicking a piece of rubble over with a pointed boot, he considered what Noctivagus <had said.>

“I can totally win that bet. What are we gambling for here?”
Noctivagus considered. “If I win, I get gloating privileges.” He said, smiling wickedly.
“And if I win, I get to shag her anyway!” Sethimaeus said, cackling loudly. “Right then, Night-Wanderer, you’re on.” Rubbing his hands together, he zeroed in on a likely victim.

“Why don’t we start right now! There’s one sitting right over there all bandaged up! Hey, you!”

Sethimaeus was already taking long strides towards the small figure of a girl sitting on a large block of rubble, almost completely covered with black bandages and nothing else. Behind him, Noctivagus was trying hard not to slap a hand to his forehead in a comical manner – because he recognised the girl. This paragraph makes it seem as if Sethimaeus has picked out a young girl (pre-teen) for the bet. Later, you say she's a woman. I'd stick with one or the other.

Sitting up on the rock beside her, <Sethimaeus> made sure he was visible to her. Since Noctivagus was the last "he" mentioned in the previous paragraph, it sounds like Noctivagus, and not Sethimaeus, is the one sitting on the rock.
“Excuse me, are you alright?” he asked gently, tapping her on the shoulder.

Startled, the woman turned around. Her long black hair stood out against a face with skin so white it was almost translucent. Staring at him with ruby-red eyes, she said, “Oh, hello. I suppose you’re the one who did all this?”

Oh no, thought Sethimaeus. Oh, no. Not her.
He’d only gone and picked Azarelle – the Goddess of Death. Just wanted to mention here that Azarelle is the feminine form of the Hebrew name Azariah, which means "whom God helps." Kind of a strange name for the Goddess of Death. I doubt, though, that this would throw off many readers; just wanted to point it out.

One thing I forgot to mention at the beginning of this critique was to watch your adverbs (usually, they're the words that end in -ly). This ties in to what I said about adverbial phrases. It's better for you to let the reader know through action and dialogue that your character is pissed, rather than just tack on "... he said angrily" at the end.

Like I said at the beginning of the critique, I love the premise. You've got a solid grasp of basic mechanics (spelling and grammar), so the only thing you need to hammer out is the delivery. Keep 'em coming. I can't wait to see how this little bet pans out

mashowasho · 11-02-2007, 06:42 PM

Okay, Futhark, thank you so much for all the comments, I really appreciate such an in-depth crit. I will of course get onto it right away! Reading back on it, I think I probably could do so much better.

P.S. Is that really true about the name? Hmm, musta got my facts a little confused. Maybe I'll pretend it's ironic.

Futhark · 11-02-2007, 10:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mashowasho

P.S. Is that really true about the name? Hmm, musta got my facts a little confused. Maybe I'll pretend it's ironic.

Yep, that's what the name means. I'm kind of a name-meaning buff, so forgive me that. The name you may have had in mind is Azrael (or Ezra'eil in Arabic). This is one of the traditional names of the Archangel of Death.

Maybe for your character, try Azraelle? Now that I look back on it, I'm sure this is what you meant.

Good luck on the editing!

mashowasho · 11-06-2007, 04:25 PM

Autumnal Equinox · 11-06-2007, 09:38 PM

Wow, I really like this. I usually think the whole demon scene is lame, but I am genuinely interested in this story. I already have questions rising in my mind, like why is Noctivagus an ex-demon? And why is he so moral?

Incidentally, I really like how Sethimaeus is totally immature. It shows that an eternity still isn't enough time to mature for some people. And it underlines how immature he really is. It makes him interesting; hes had that much time, and he is still an idiot.

Fossy · 11-06-2007, 10:32 PM

Must say I agree with the last post from AE. I too like the immaturity. Okay so maybe it's easier to write, but sometimes I get so sick of witty remarks from intelligent people/demons - whatever. I found it quite a refreshing change. And I don't normally read demon stuff. So there.

mashowasho · 11-07-2007, 03:55 PM

I don't really intend to go much into Noctivagus' past, seeing as this isn't a story about him. There's a reeeeeally old story on here that I started with a prototype Noctivagus as I think I mentioned above, but he's probably only a minor player in this little story - unless you want more about him?

Sethimaeus, ironically, was originally a plot device whose sole purpose was to annoy Noctivagus, so I just tried to come up with a character as different from the latter as possible. He sort of took shape from there.

Fossy, I think I agree with you - perpetual witticisms from supposed wise old beings is rubbish! Demons just wanna have fun!

tlbyford · 11-09-2007, 02:49 PM

masho,

this is not the normal genre i tend to gravitate towards, but it was refreshing enough to make me read the whole thing. good job. my only suggestion, like Autumnal Equiox, is that if this story is going to stand independent from the previous story, there needs to be at least a brief explanation about Noctivagus being an ex-demon lord. He may not be as effective as a supporting character if readers are constantly wondering about his background. i really liked Sethimaeus. he has almost a "Hellboy-ish" quality about him (please don't take offense, i love Hellboy and this is meant as a compliment). anyway, overall, it was very enjoyable to read. hope to see more of Sethimaeus and Noctivagus.

RyeCatcher24 · 11-09-2007, 02:56 PM

Masho, I have to say that I'm a fan. A big fan. I loved Nosferatu and I'm still hoping that you'll continue that story. Now as for this story... I like it. I don't know if it was your intention, but I'm a little more intrigued with Azraelle than Sethimaeus. Don't get me wrong Seth is fun but, it seems Azrael has some deep things going on. Would love to read more and see where this goes.

Keep up the good work. You are wonderfully gifted.