Rahvin

Yes yes, you and your stinkin' Dark Elves... They'll get an appearance, don't worry...

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Cefor

Hehehe, we aint stinkin', but we'll capture you and make you scream for mercy.

Oh and btw add some Khorne, they have to shout
"Blood for the Blood god!!!!!!!!!" many times

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Knowledge is Power

Rahvin

Oh, be quiet...

Only kidding, just wait until I get into the real meat of the story... This is all still the intro sections...

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Cefor

Ok kool, any idea how long this is going to be??

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Knowledge is Power

Rahvin

Long. Really long. Many chapters. Many many chapters...

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Gabriel Gray

havent read it all yet, but i'd like to point out having a dwarf in the world of a vampire just striked me as intriguing, so can't wait to read what happens

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Something i've been working on for a while now, it has a slow start but please read it and comment - It would mean a lot to me

http://www.writingforums.com/fiction...ml#post1211308

Cefor

Why's this?

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Knowledge is Power

MerryLlama

Wow! I just read all of this from the beginning, i couldn't stop! Love the story keep writing! can't wait for the next installment. Just to clarify is Varakash not a vampire in the past when he is the queens guard?
Great story!

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The glass is neither half full nor half empty... it's twice as big as it needs to be.

Rahvin

Thanks, Gabriel and Llama! Glad you both liked it!

Llama: Yeah, Varakash is human in the flashbacks. Well, he is for now, anyways...

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Gabriel Gray

Purely thought adding the original horror creatures in fantasy stories including elves/dwarves/orcs was extremely brave, i struggle to keep the second selection in my story, let alone adding a different species.

Nothing but respect for this guy, i read more over the weekend, tis fascinating to say the least.

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Something i've been working on for a while now, it has a slow start but please read it and comment - It would mean a lot to me

http://www.writingforums.com/fiction...ml#post1211308

Rahvin

Athel Loren, present day…

Shallaeran picked her way through the near-invisible pathways of the forest, the dark cloak over her thin leather armour swirling out around her with her movement. Ahead of her, Domnue and Dominae walked together, heads close, talking privately.

From behind, the two siblings looked almost identical, save for slight differences in their attire. Domnue wore the leaf-shaped layered armour of the Nymraif, while Dominae was clad in light armour that somehow seemed both moulded and loose at the same time, made from an unknown fabric that constantly shifted through shades of grey. It gave her the appearance of a walking pool of shadow, while her brother was the forest around it, stark and brooding.

Shallaeran walked behind them, alone with her thoughts. Alone with her fears. Alone with herself.

It seemed to her that everyone was prepared for this mission but her. She, the one who was supposed to guide the party, awoke each morning in a cold sweat, fighting the screams that rose in her throat. Her eyes lifted from the path for a moment to glance up at Dominae.

The Alter had killed vampires. She had brought one of their heads to the hall. How could she fight those creatures and remain so calm? To face the undying hand to hand was suicide to all but the most skilled combatants. Surer to kill from afar with the bow, but these enemies were barely harmed by the thin elven arrows.

Shallaeran’s hands shook as the memories surfaced once more. Dread washed over her, icy, paralysing dread, as that pale, blood-streaked face filled her vision. Its fanged mouth snarled open, crimson drops falling from its teeth. Its eyes were flames, black, all-consuming flames that burned at her soul. It screamed at her, a bestial, wordless howl that ripped and tore at her mind.

She staggered forwards. Domnue turned at the sound of her fall, and caught her arm. Her vision swam as he held her upright, and her legs refused to bear her weight for a second. He peered into her eyes, concerned.

“Shallaeran?”

She fought to raise her head, to look at him as she answered, but her body refused. So she just stared at the ground and shook as she croaked, “I-”

“What assails you here, within the boundaries of Athel Loren? What could have power of that magnitude?”

He thought it was a hostile attack, she realised. He thought she had been attacked by some malignant force. “N- nothing so malevolent, Noble,” she managed to say haltingly. “It is my own mind that betrays me.” She raised her head, slowly, pushing against the cramping shudders.

He looked puzzled for a second, and then his features sank back into almost-blankness, a faint hint of compassion in his eyes. “The Vampire still troubles you.”

Her legs had finally stopped shaking, and she managed to stand without his aid. Her throat still burned dry, and her voice was little more than a hoarse grating. “It… it does.” Admitting her weakness hurt, but keeping it pent up inside her was slowly consuming her.

As if sensing her thoughts, he removed his arm from hers, letting her stand by herself. “To be troubled by tragedy is no weakness, Shallaeran. You have accomplished a feat beyond all but the most skillful Asrai, and slain one of the deathless. The devastation it wrought is no fault of yours.”

“I am weak,” she said. “The face of that monster fills my thoughts every waking moment. Not even in my dreams am I safe. I am weak, to let something that is ended have such control over my mind.”

“You are too harsh upon yourself,” began Domnue, but his sister stepped in. Her slender hand touched his shoulder lightly, and he stopped.

“No,” she said, in her hard, cold voice. “Let her blame herself. Let her bear the strain. She survived the attack. Now see if she can survive surviving.”

“Dominae,” said Domnue, frowning.

She glanced at him, and then stared at Shallaeran. Her eyes were like dappled midnight, the shifting colour of deep shadow. They had no whites. Shallaeran shuddered under the Alter’s gaze. “No. She will either gain control over her emotions and her mind, and emerge stronger, or she will fail, and be doomed to death or madness. It is up to her now. It is her mind.”

Domnue closed his eyes, though whether in acceptance or frustration Shallaeran couldn’t say, and breathed a long sigh. “Maybe you are correct, sister, and it lies with her and the forest now. Maybe you are not. I dislike leaving Shallaeran’s sanity in the hands of fate.”

Shallaeran raised her head, looking between the two. “It is my mind, my weakness. My failure. Dominae is correct. I will either surmount this and be strengthened for it, or I will not. I thank you deeply for your concern, Noble, but I would face this alone.” For if she could not face this by herself, then what right did she have to live her own life?

He shook his head, a slight, almost imperceptible movement, and turned away. “Very well, Shallaeran Nihsurae.” He walked on ahead, silent beneath the slight whisperings of the leaves underfoot.

Shallaeran inclined her head to the Alter. “Thank you, Dominae. You speak truth.”

“Save your thanks, Shallaeran. You can offer them when you banish that Vampire from your mind.” She walked off, catching up with Domnue in sinuous, fluid strides.

Leaving Shallaeran alone again.

She stood motionless while the threescore Asrai that made up the rest of the party passed around her. They left her to her thoughts. They were not high enough rank to approach her directly as a subordinate, and none of them felt the inclination to speak as a friend.

All her friends had died to the Vampire.

Some commotion brought her back to reality before her mind could distract her again. A ripple went through the Asrai, and they melded invisibly into the trees around the trail, bows ready, arrows nocked. Domnue and Dominae stood side by side in the center of the trail, unmoving. Shallaeran walked up to them slowly.

She went to speak, but Dominae’s hand snaked back, unnoticeable under the two Wood Elves’ cloaks, to touch her leg, warning her to stay silent. Shallaeran’s hands found their way to her waist, touching, then gripping, the warm, enchanted wood of Elhorai’s Talon. She fought the urge to draw the bow from its clasp on her back.

A trio of Asrai steped forwards ahead of them, seeming to materialise out of the forest. They were clad in flat shades of grey, camouflage for the Grey Mountains and the skies around the Eagle’s Nest. Their hair was white, long, unbound, and fell down around them in silken waves. Their features had all the smoothness of Elves, but seemed somehow swept back, with narrow noses and tall, curving ears.

The center one studied Dominae as he spoke. “What is your reason for entering the territories of the Eagle’s Nest? No enemies have been seen for many miles around.”

Dominae stepped forwards. “Indeed not, Glaemrune, for you are too busy soaring the skies to look closely at the ground.”

He looked again at her, and then Shallaeran saw a flash of recognition in his eyes. “Dominae,” he said. “You owe the Karhael Kinband much, since your last… visit. You would do well to avoid Highborn Rhalornu.”

She remained impassive. “Rhalornu and the Karhael is my business, and my business alone. We hunt the undead. Will you allow us passage, or will you be the one to explain to the forest why you let enemies invade and destroy?”

He didn’t answer for a moment. Considering her words, thought Shallaeran. When he spoke, his voice was slow, deliberate. “The undead have not been in these parts in centuries, and yet you hunt them? I can only think that your hunt will take you beyond the boundaries of Athel Loren.”

“It will,” said Domnue. “We ask for passage through your territories, and leave to cross the Grey Mountains.”

Glaemrune took in Domnue with a glance. “I cannot speak for the Karhael, but I can give you leave to speak with Highborn Rhalornu. Whether he will allow your hunt to continue or not is not in my power to know. Bring your band, Laith-Kourn, and we shall see how Rhalornu reacts to your arrival.” With that, the three turned and vanished into the trees.

The hunting party relaxed, emerging from the trees and reforming on the trail. Domnu and Dominae exchanged glances, and started walking once more. Shallaeran followed in silence, trying to quell her mind.

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eliec

Hey Rahvin, nice to see you here! Very good story, i can't wait to see the rest. Are you still posting on BL?

Rahvin

Hey, Eliec! Yeah, I'm still there (even if it doesn't want to work right now... grumblerumble...internalservers...grumblegrumble.. .). Glad you like the story!

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Joshlv

Just gave a fast read through and this seems like it could be a good story.
I'm not trying to come across like a troll here but honestly I think you need to state somewhere that this isn’t a completely original idea.

Maybe unintentional plagiarism? It seems as if you just finished the Gotrek and Felix novels from Warhammer and started writing without realizing you are using a lot of William King’s ideas.

For instance.
The "Dwarf Slayer" Gorthek, Looking for a "Death in Battle"
In William Kings books there is also a slayer named… Gotrek. Who is seeking a "glorious doom" in battle.
Gorthek has tall orange hair
Gotrek has a flame orange crest (Mohawk)

I haven’t given it a thorough read yet but from what I can tell you took that character and his personality/profession even quotes such as "Manling" and "By Grungi"

They both carry around and axe and for the most part act the same manner. Although I think your version is a bit more transparent.

“Dwarf Slayers” are a persistent aspect in the Warhammer world. It looks like you are hijacking the idea without giving proper credit.

Also one of the books in the Gotrek and Felix series is called Vampire Slayer, and involves a vampire they are trying to kill. This Vampire just happens to be able to do necromancy and can summon zombies and skeletons…

Having read these books some of these things and more in your story so far raise a lot of red flags in my head. You have obviously read Gotrek and Felix and it shows.


The odd part is your story is somewhat original in other aspects. Why use established characters and Ideas? Make up your own its better that way for you in the long run. I definitely give you respect in the fact that you are so young and already written a bunch of what could be a good novel with some work. Being a part time novelist myself I know how much energy goes into it.

eliec

Umm, Joshlv, are you familiar with warhammer? most characters follow a certain archetype. And Gorthek is pretty tame for a slayer, nothing the uber-powerful, short-fused Gotrek.
And you'll find necromantic vampires almost anywhere these days.
Finally, i've been reading Rahvin's work for almost a year now, and he's the last person i'd accuse of plagiarism.