Coming of age story? - Page 3 - Writers Forum

A-L · 03-01-2008, 09:18 AM

Hmm I like it.

The Cloaked Stranger · 03-06-2008, 08:51 AM

I got back to my residence in a daze. I dumped my bag and coat in my room and marched down to Dan’s room. I found his door open, so I leaned against the doorframe.

“Ethan!” He exclaimed.

“Let’s get drunk.” I said.

*******************************************

It was a party. Dan rounded up as many of our friends as he could, as a last holiday bash before classes started in the new semester. A crew of us headed down to the school pub, and Dan taught me about alcohol.

“This is vodka.” He said, handing me a shooter glass filled with clear liquid. I sucked it back, trying to ignore the flavour.

“This is tequila.” He said after a few vodka shots. It was amber, and tasted nasty by comparison. I drank a few of those.

“This is gin.” He said, handing me a glass. It was like drinking liquid pinesap, and I coughed afterwards. I preferred the tequila.

I let some of the girls pull me to the dance floor in between drinks. I cavorted. I celebrated. I rollicked. It was fun to be around people, at least while I was drunk. I talked to everyone, laughing and smiling. This was a lot better than sitting around depressed.

I would retreat to the bathroom. I had myself convinced that frequent urination would keep my somewhat sober, so I drank water. I would stare into the mirror, trying to focus. To help, I’d perform math problems or think about things from science class. Lately, I’d been fascinated by relativity with Einstein, quantum mechanics and the Big Bang theory.

Sometime in the proceedings Jon and some of the other guys from the dorm joined us, having heard from Dan about the party. Jon offered some sage drinking advice.

“You need to eat sometimes, so your stomach isn’t empty. Take it slow, especially your first time. Pace yourself. And don’t follow liquor with beer, it’s a bad scene.” He said.

I don’t think he realized I’d been drinking for an hour already, and Dan had made sure I’d had a lot. I was profuse with thanks, however.

“You’re the best, Jonny! That is great advice. I mean, really great! You are a great friend!”

Considering that I didn’t really like Jon all that much, this was an odd speech. I tried to clear my blurry mind. I remember finishing a beer someone bought for me and putting it down on the table. As the bottom of the glass bottle clunked on the wood tabletop, everything went blank.

A-L · 03-06-2008, 11:12 AM

Little short but really good.

Metropolis (science fiction, fantasy) please read and comment anything would be appreciated.

animator · 03-06-2008, 12:05 PM

it's ok, I guess
no...it's really good!!

writeforfun · 03-06-2008, 01:13 PM

Well, I read the first chapter and part of the second. Not bad. Some superflous stuff to be sure, and kind of had a JD Salinger feel to it, a la Catcher in the Rye. The attitude of the protag struck me as a little trite -- dark, brooding, arrogant, know-it-all, brilliant, peevish -- and one line almost stopped me in my tracks and made me want to quit:

"I was a ghost in the shipwreck that was my life"

This is NOT a good line. It is quite prosaic teen angst and full of bathos and cliche. Get rid of it!
Other than that, I'll be reading more and I think this is a worthy effort that has some place to go.

Keep on!

The Cloaked Stranger · 03-06-2008, 01:26 PM

It's actually a really important line, that connects to a different chapter in the book -- as a child, he died and was resuscitated, and that event colours his perceptions. He feels like a ghost.

The Cloaked Stranger · 03-26-2008, 08:07 AM

I came to groggily. My window was open, letting in cold air. My room was dark. I wondered if I had been dreaming. I sat up and noticed a paper bracelet on my wrist. What the hell? Had I been to the hospital? For a moment I panicked, wondering what had happened. My heart pounded as my head swirled.

In the darkness I struggled to read it by starlight. It said “age of majority” on it. I realized someone had checked my ID to see if I could continue drinking. That was funny. I didn’t remember that. I didn’t even remember coming back to the dorm. I checked the clock. It read 4:17. I had lost about five hours.

I got off the bed and noticed my garbage can beside it, with a little puke at the bottom. I wrinkled my nose. My stomach churned and I ran to the bathroom. I got to a toilet just in time. I felt my stomach lurch and only a little came out, but the dry heaves lasted a long, painful time. I guessed my stomach must have been pretty empty by then.

I drank a lot of water from the fountain, feeling wrung out. I looked at my face, haggard in the mirror, and washed vomit out of my beard. I then went back to my room. I got out of my clothes and put on some clean track pants and a sweatshirt. I wandered down the hallway, keeping my ears open for signs of life. Occasionally I had to touch the wall for support, as I found myself weaving and wobbly.

I found it in the common room. Several people from the bar were still up and watching a movie. I entered to applause, and blushed.

“Not bad for a first time,” Mandy said. “You only made a complete ass of yourself, which is normal.” She giggled.

“What happened?” I asked.

“You don’t remember?” Jon asked.

“Not after you told me to remember to eat,” I said sheepishly.

Jon laughed. “You drank seven beers after that, with vodka shooters in between.”

“And then you flirted with every girl in the bar. And knocked over a table.” Mandy said.

“And you quoted the Wedding Singer when you threw up: ‘Alcohol equals puke, equals smelly mess, equals nobody likes you.’ It was pretty classic.” Jon laughed.

I blushed and ran a hand through my hair. “That’s embarrassing.”

“Yeah, well, the best was saying that, according to Einstein, ‘after the Big Bang the constant light made separate realities. I’m still sober in one of them, so it’s okay to be drunk here.’ That was funny.”

I blushed, running my hand over my face. That fit some of the things I’d thought about when sober, but it was all mixed up. “I’m an idiot!”

“It’s no big deal. Everyone there was your friend, and we don’t care. Dan made sure you were royally drunk, so no one expected polite behaviour.” Mandy said kindly.

“How do you feel?” Jon asked.

“Like crap.” I said

“I’m surprised you’re awake. Drink a lot of water, it will help with the hangover.” Mandy suggested.

“Thanks for the advice.” I huddled on the couch and sat through the remainder of the movie before heading off to return to my room.

I checked on my coat before returning to bed. Thankfully, I found my wallet in my pocket. I also found a folded piece of paper that hadn’t been there when I left. I unfolded the scrap.

Someone had drawn a heart, and inside it placed their phone number and the words “Call me!” I put it on my desk, unable to remember where it came from.

The Cloaked Stranger · 05-06-2008, 07:01 AM

The first week of school after the holiday was a blurry struggle. I felt wrung out, hollow. It hurt to walk up a staircase. The doctor had said that I shouldn’t exert myself for a month or more, but I hadn’t realized he meant because I’d be as weak as an octogenarian. I had already informed work that I’d be missing the next few weekends. I had felt bad when I made the arrangements, but by the end of the week I was glad I’d called. I’d have died on my feet trying to do my job, the way I felt.

When Dan found out that I’d actually be free that weekend, he campaigned for another drinking party.

“No. It was a onetime thing.” I told him as we power-bombed Triple H through a table. I punched buttons on my video-game controller, pinning our opponent.

Dan watched the screen as we sat on the common room couch, playing Nintendo.

“Come on! It was fun. Admit that you had a good time.”

“I can’t.” I laughed. “I don’t remember half of it.”

“If you’re there I won’t do anything stupid. You’ve been helping me behave.”

“Don’t go and get drunk. That’s a great way to prevent new stupidity.” I teased.

“You don’t have to drink as much as last time. That was like an initiation. Just enough to get dancing and talking. You had fun!”

I shrugged, grinning.

“I’ll think about it.”

It was a dumb idea. Chemically induced sociability. But otherwise I hated people and simultaneously loathed my sense of isolation. I didn’t fit with everyone else, but didn’t want to become a hermit. Eventually Dan had to catch up with Teri for dinner, so I wandered over to my room. I stared at the piece of paper on my desk, wondering if I should call the mystery number. I’d been wondering all week. I hated not knowing.

I was curious, but I didn’t know what to say.

“Hi, this is Ethan. Remember me? Because I sure don’t remember you…”

It seemed silly. Dumb, even. Childish. But I kept looking at the piece of paper, like an archaeologist trying to reconstruct events from the shards of broken pottery.

The Cloaked Stranger · Today, 06:23 AM

“What the hell.” I stood in the common room doorway. Dan was playing Bond against Jon on the Nintendo 64.

“Are you serious?” Dan laughed.

“What? What happened?” Jon said.

I just nodded.

“Get out of town! When?” Dan urged.

“When what?” Jon demanded.

“Dunno. Friday?” I shrugged.

“Perfect!”

“Just here, no going out.” I said. “I’m not drinking as much either.”

“Ohhhh!” Jon said, realization dawning.

“We can just party in the dorm. I’ll get together some stuff.” Dan agreed. “And I’ll tell the girls.”

“Whatever.” I said nonchalantly.

“Wicked.” Jon said.

I laughed and let them handle the details. It was their thing, after all. I was just trying to pretend to fit in. It was easier to just go with the flow and let events take me where they would.

Friday arrived quickly with that attitude, my days not mattering. We drank rum and Coke or ginger ale, and other concoctions. I didn’t pay much attention, just drinking enough to get a buzz and feel light-headed. I found that this was enough to get me loose enough to laugh with people. The group was spread out, wandering between Dan and Evan’s rooms on our end, and then the common room, and then Mandy’s room past the kitchen.

I was hanging out in Dan’s room listening to his newest club music mix. He was a lot more intoxicated than me, as I was stretching my drinks out. I didn’t want a repeat of the previous week. I was a little surprised to find him this drunk this early. Teri was sitting on his lap, trying to entice him to come with her to visit another room, but he didn’t want to move. Eventually she gave up and headed to visit a friend, promising to be back later. I stepped out into the hall with her for a moment.

“What’s up with Danny boy?”

“He’s depressed. His dad called today, and he never reacts well to that.”

“Any idea why?”

“Not really.” She shrugged. “Everybody had some issues with their parents. I’ve yet to meet Dan’s, but who knows?”

I went back in, leaning against the wall.

“You okay buddy? You’re not having as much fun as I thought you would.”

Dan grunted, shrugging his shoulders and drinking another cup. I poured him another from the collection on his big windowsill.

We sat in silence for a while. Dan drank some more. Just when I was ready to leave, he spoke up.

“My dad’s an asshole.”

“Really?” I said gently.

“I hate him. Especially since all of us pretend we have a nice happy family.”

“But you’re not?”

Dan shrugged. “What’s to be happy about? We all pretend nothing happened and we all know it did, so who cares, right?”

It was hard to follow. Dan was slurred from the alcohol, and jumping around what he was talking about, almost as if he was talking more to himself than anyone else. I certainly had yet to grasp the narrative. He swigged his drink, slumping even further in his chair. Dan was one of the biggest men I had ever known, and he suddenly looked very small.

“This is so fucked up.” He said quietly.

“Dan, did you take something?”

“What haven’t I taken?” He murmured quietly. “Acid, ‘shrooms, weed, all that shit. All so I can try to forget when he touched me…”

I gulped, wondering if he was talking about what I thought he was talking about. I felt sick to my stomach. “Dan, what are you talking about?”

Blearily, he looked at me. “Hey, E! Ethan’s here.” He looked around as if to tell someone. “Ethan’s my friend. I cheat on Teri, hide in the closet with Melody and I treated you like shit in grade school, and you still forgive me.”

“Of course, Dan. That’s what friends do. And Christians.” I said calmly, trying not to react to what he’d just told me.

“Yeah, you and Evan and church. What is it they say? Confession is good for the soul? I’m sorry for what I did. That’s my confession.”

He spoke like his tongue was too big for his mouth, slumped in his chair.

“Hey, Dan, it’s okay. I forgive you for leaving me in the snow.”

“Snow? I’m trying to say I’m sorry that I hurt my little brother the way my dad hurt me. How shitty is that? I think it’s worse, because I know how it feels to be trapped, and used…”

I bit back bile, trying not to vomit. Suddenly Dan’s room was too small, too cold. I didn’t want to be here. He was sobbing in his chair, too drunk and possibly high to really think straight.

But he needed to hear it.

“Dan, it’s okay. I forgive you. Shit happens, you know? We cope the best we can. I think God understands that even if some people never learn.”

Dan looked at me with genuine gratitude in his eyes, and I wondered if he was more sober than I gave him credit for. I withdrew, needing suddenly to be elsewhere.

I stumbled down the hall, trying to clear my head, checking in on rooms where other students were partying. Eventually I found some of our crew in Mandy’s room.

I flopped on Mandy’s bed, watching a movie on her television. Her roommate Kelly was in a chair, laughing at the comedy. Erin and another girl were on Kelly’s bed. I was too blurry to focus on what they were watching. I rolled my head to stare behind me instead, watching the doorway upside down. Mandy appeared and laughed at me.

She bounced on the bed. “Shove over!” Mandy pushed me playfully, making me move out of the middle to give her room. She settled in to watch the movie, poking me in the ribs or the armpit every once in awhile to see if I was alive.

“Ethan, how is it you’re still single?”

“Huh?” I said, quite articulate.

“I mean this girl is like seventy percent school…” Mandy giggled. “I meant, the school is seventy percent girls, or something. Why are you still single?”

“Are you asking him out?” Kelly teased. “Because the movie’s not over.”

“I can’t ask him out, my boyfriend would kill me!” Mandy threw a pillow at her friend. “I’m just curious.”

“I’m just not looking.” I said.

“You’re breaking a lot of hearts.” Mandy said. I laughed.

“Yeah, because I’ve got girls breaking down my door.”

“You will.” Kelly said. “You’re coming out of your shell lately. We were worried. A girlfriend would do you good.”

“Ethan!” Evan said from the doorway. “We’re running to the snack shop for grub. You coming?”

I rolled off the bed and lurched over to the door.

“Let me grab my coat.” I said, glad of the interruption. I didn’t want to talk about dating, or about how depressed I was, even though I was pretending to be fine.

I headed down to my room. I grabbed my wallet from my desk and then stopped, staring at the note.

“Why not?” I dialled my phone, playing with my keys as it rang.

“About time you called.” A feminine voice answered. It rippled with amusement.

“Uh, hello?” I said brilliantly, marvelling at my conversation abilities tonight. “I’m really not sure I have the right number.”

“Do you often call wrong numbers at eleven at night?”

“Um, no?”

“You don’t need to worry. You have the right number.” I could tell by her voice that she was smiling. “I gave it to you at the pub after all.”

“How did you know it was me?”

“Only a select few have this number. And I have call display.”

That was the most obvious way. I felt like a clod.

“Sorry. I guess I’m just nervous about this. I’m not really sure I have any idea who you are, and I’m embarrassed about it.”

“Oh, you’ll recognize me, I’m sure. You’re coming out next Friday, aren’t you?”

“Where?” I asked.

“I’ll give you directions. You can even bring your friends if you like.”

I listened carefully and wrote down what she said with the pen on my desk, using the back of her note. I hung up and sat down on my bed.