Mr Write

Here’s chapter 1 from a story I’m writing called The Pendant of the crows, I know it needs improving. Need to know what to improve and what will make it better. Any help would be great.
Here is chapter 1





The old worn down pub was still open. And through the stained glass windows, jolly bright yellow light burst through, onto the cold street. There was some noise coming from inside, as the regulars poured drink after drink down them, and had little sing-a-longs to each other.

Out here though was a completely different atmosphere. Darkness surrounded it and rain fell down heavily onto its tattered exterior.
A strong wind howled and swept along the ground, blowing the grass and flowers in all different directions. Most of the flowers had been squashed ages ago by bored kids, possibly some drunks as well. Now almost all of the surviving flower heads had been blown off by the heavy wind that had been increasing all night.
Muddy puddles formed on the ground which at least one person was bound to slip up in on the way home.

An old man, stood in the dark, his long coat blowing and flapping in the wind. He looked up at the old pub with teary eyes. It had been a long time since he had last stepped inside.
Up on top of the pub sat the big wooden sign, once new and gleaming painted white with big black letters. It now looked worn and decrepit. The white paint could hardly be seen and the wood was chipped and damp. The letters had been repainted fairly recently, witch wasn’t surprising seeing as the landlord Mr. Sneil, got up there at the beginning of each year and went over the letters in a fresh coat of paint.
Or at least he had done as far as the old man could remember. He had been away for a long time.
The sign read The Scummy Bucket. Although it was battered, it still seemed as grand as when it had first opened over fifty years ago. And it was as far as the eye could see, still as lively as it was back then.

The man who had taken a while staring at the building, suddenly seemed to realise that it was cold and raining. He ran his hand across his face, draining the water from his long grey beard, and licked his dry frozen lips. He wrapped his coat around him tightly; made sure his dirty grey hat was placed securely on his head and made his way towards the front door, along the cobbled footpath.
The outside walls of the pub had vines twisting up them from the ground. The small front door had a few vines winding up it too. And it was also in need of a paint job. He turned the handle and pushed open the door. Nobody bothered looking up at him, they were too involved in there discussions. He stepped onto the wooden floorboards which creaked under his big black boots.

Most of the people in the bar were men. They sat around small circle tables, drinks in hand and chatting away. It was a big place; there was this whole seating area full of the circle tables. That took up most of the pub. Then up ahead was the bar. It was a long wooden table that stretched across the centre of the room, surrounded by a few short wooden stools. Only a few people sat at the bar. one man who’s beer was hanging from his hand on his little finger, had his head on the bar and drool coming from his open and snorting mouth. The guy’s hat had fallen onto the floor and his scruffy white hair was soaking up the dregs of beer on the bar.
There was a little area at the back for more relaxed seating and where dinners used to be served.

In the corner of the room was a bench with two toothy old men sitting on it, there arms wrapped around one another. They were both swaying back and forth singing some song that they found most amusing, and sloshing there beers onto the floor.

The barman hadn’t noticed him come in, and continued collecting glasses people had left on the bar. He picked up a particularly dirty one and began wiping it with a dirty old rag.
The door slammed shut, pulled by the wind. Now a few people looked up, but the momentum of most of the people carried on.
The barman looked up as well, as he noticed who it was. There was a look of great surprise on his round pink face. ‘Frailen’ he said beaming, he got up and walked around the bar. ‘How are you’ he said wrapping his thick arms around Frailen’s withered body.
Frailen smiled breathlessly, the barman almost squashing him to death with his happiness to see the old man.

‘Come on, take a seat’ he said letting go of him and showing him to a little wooden stool.
The man stepped back round the bar and looked at Frailen. ‘Oh, how long has it been?’ he asked. ‘Too long Herbert, too long.’ He said wirily. Herbert frowned, "are you ok" he asked. The truth was that he was not ok; all of his recent effort had been for nothing. He shook his head. "Here" said Herbert pulling him a pint and handing it over the table. "On the house." Frailen looked at him, in his brown fuzzy jumper and green overalls as usual, he didn’t look very good for a man of 38, but he had been through a lot and Frailen knew it.


"So did you get it" he asked eagerly. Frailen looked disappointed with himself but said nothing. Mr. Sneil picked up his glass and continued to wipe. At last Frailen spoke. "I'll tell you what happened Herbert, but first, how are you" Herbert looked thrilled at the chance to speak and put down the glass. He sat on the stool opposite him behind the bar and scratched his podgy cheek. "Well, since you left my profit on salt scratching’s has gone way down!" he joked. Frailen smiled, he had always come in at least twice a week and ordered his favourite. A bowl of salt scratching’s and a pint of larger. It had only been about six months since he had left, but it felt like a lifetime ago.

Herbert reached under the bar and pulled out a bowl. "I’ve been savin these for you" he said sticking the bowl under his nose. "Just ‘cause I knew you’d want them when you got back." Frailen took a gulp of beer and reached inside the bowl. "Also, the nuns from the next village have been coming down every now and again to do some charity events. They wanted to raise money for the people infected with the plague, and all of the people’s family’s. Of course I said at once that they could hold the events here." Frailen understood. Herbert’s wife had been infected with the plague and had not long died before Frailen left. Herbert was obviously thinking of this too, as he shook his head put on a smile and changed the subject. "Old Dave McGravy had another kid last week" he said pointing at an old drunk sitting in the corner, he was fast asleep and snoring. If Frailen didn’t know better he would have thought him a tramp. His clothes were dirty and full of holes and he was wearing a battered old hat. "Poor kid" said Herbert wincing as the guy started to drool on his own shoulder "having that as a father! And do you know what they’ve named her" Frailen shook his head afraid to ask. "Acne" said Herbert. "I mean, its bad enough, they called there son Scabs, he goes to school with my boy" Herbert explained. "I mean I’ve met his wife a few times and she seems nice enough, so why would they call there Daughter that? Oh, well, each to there own I suppose." Frailen took another look at the drunken man and then back to the table where he took another salt scratching and popped it into his mouth.

A few drops of rain fell onto Frailen’s nose making him realise he was still warring his hat. He took it off and placed it on an empty stool next to him. "So how’s Julian" asked Frailen as he munched down his salt scratching. "Oh, he’s fine. Getting used to the fact his mums not coming back" Herbert sniffed "it’s hard on both of us. It was his birthday last week and had to have it here in the pub" "oh, how old is he now" asked Frailen. "He turned fourteen" "bloody hell, they grow up quickly don’t they." Herbert looked down. "This is no place to bring up a child though is it Frailen." "It’s alright" he lied. "We had his birthday dinner on the bar here" he said rubbing the surface. "No, I’m gunna bring him up in a nice place. There’s a little cottage down the road that I’ve had my eye on. It’s got a nice big garden. I can take Julian and go and live down there. Have a fresh start."

A couple of beardy men staggered up and walked out of the pub together. "See ya tomorrow" Herbert called after them. "How are you going to afford the place?" Frailen asked. Herbert pointed to a big jar of money behind the bar. "That’s my life savings" he said proudly, "and a lot of the locals have been helping me out by giving me money here and there." He was friends with most people in the village after all he had been working there for over twenty years. He had grown up there with his wife and son.

"I just need to save up a little more money, and then I can sell this place and buy the cottage. Then Julian can have a proper home." "Well" said Frailen "I wish you luck. You know there’s only ever been one other landlord. You’ve been here for so long. This pub won’t be the same without you. But as you say, you have to do what’s right for your son" Frailen reached into the bowl and took a handful of salt scratching’s. He took one out of his hand with the other and crunched it. "You can’t beat em" he said. He licked his lips and laid them out on the table and took another. "So" Herbert asked, awkwardly. "What happened to you?" Frailen dropped the salt scratching he was holding back into the bowl and the look in his face changed from happy to be back home, to a disturbed silence.

Herbert waited a few seconds hoping Frailen would say something before he continued, but he didn’t. "I still have the page from the Casaw Prophesy" he said reaching under the table. "Don’t worry about that now" said Frailen waving him away. "I’ll tell you." The Casaw Prophesy was a giant book written long ago. Lots of people around the world had one and kept it as there bible. It talked about things that had happened, and things that were going to happen. Most people thought it had been created by a really powerful wizard. But seeing as it had been created over twenty thousand years ago nobody knew exactly who had created it. One thing was for sure, it was defiantly infested with powerful magic. Every now and then things would appear inside it and others would disappear. Not many people read it but most family’s had at least one in there house, even if it was down in the basement underneath a load of cardboard boxes. A lot of people were scared of it, and the power it possessed. Witch was a reason a lot of people avoided reading it. Some people even claimed that it predicted there own death. But of course it could never be proved as the text mysteriously disappeared when they showed it to someone else.

Herbert however was not intimidated by the prophesy but more intrigued. He had always been interested in all things magic. That’s how he became friends with Frailen, who despite what his classmates had told him at school was a wizard. Over a year ago he had been glancing at the pages and something had appeared that hadn’t been there before and if it had, Herbert had never come across it and nether had Frailen. It was a very short piece of writing with a picture. The picture was of a pendent drawn by pencil, and the text in red ink. It read: the pendent will ultimately give you the power to erase the plague for good. The plague as mentioned previously in this book as the slow and painful death that is created by the Crel.
The Crel of course are a large creature with sharp teeth and big black marks covering its entire body. It produces a powerful gas when angry or threatened and is lethal to some animals and all humans. If the gas is inhaled you will immediately become infected with the plague of the Crel. More information on the Crel on page, 15 or 85 (depending on where it decides to live!) The pendent is situated beyond the boarder, which most people dare not to cross as it is full on all sorts of creatures including the Crel.
The pended is far beyond the boarder and hidden deep underground in a giant cavern behind a big magically protected door.

To obtain the full power of the pendent you must…

Then the page ran out of words. Herbert had immediately ripped the page out of the book and had shown Frailen and Ailen, he was another of Herbert’s wizard friends. This as sketchy as the details were was a possible cure for the plague. Frailen had an old friend from school named Varseci. He was one of the richest wizards they knew. He was extremely interested in helping to rid the plague. Frailen suspected one of his family members had been killed that way and it was not a pretty sight. It was called the slow and painful death for a reason.

They always said that they would go and find a cure for the plague but never followed it through until three months later Ailen got infected with the plague, Followed soon after by Herbert’s wife. That is when they started planning on retrieving the pendent seriously.

The plague usually lasted just over a month with the symptoms getting worse until you finely died so they didn’t have much time. Ailen was one of there closest friends and they would do anything to get rid of the plague which until now was terminal. Herbert’s wife however had inhaled a lot more gas than Ailen had and died a short while before they left. Herbert apart from the fact he couldn’t do magic, couldn’t join them as he had to look after his son Julian.

Mr Write

didnt all fit, heres the rest


Frailen looked around the bar, no one was close enough to here and they all chatted away merrily. Frailen had a sip of beer and began. “As you know Varseci and I were going to go by ourselves. We had planned for the worst and were ready. Then Ailen even in his condition begged us to take him along. He wanted to help, we weren’t sure but we knew by the time we got back he would probably have died. So we left immediately, we knew where the pendent was roughly. The only problem was getting there. Of coarse Varseci, with all of his money could have gotten all of his guards to accompany us. But as he told us, nobody could be trusted, if anyone had taken the pendent for themselves, the power they would posses would put the world a lot more danger than it already was. And I agreed with him. The only three people to go would be me, Varseci and Ailen.” We knew where we had to go, so we began our journey. After leaving the village, we moved on through the forest and past all of the shaded area before we reached the deserted land. All that was there was dead grass, dried up ground and a few beasts here and there. We must have walked for a few days without sleep. We had as much water and crusty rolls as we could carry in our huge travelling bags. Ailen’s condition was getting a lot worse, the sun didn’t help either and he drunk more water than me and Varseci combined. We did wonder whether we had made the right decision in bringing him. And each day that passed made his condition worse. The sun beat down on us as we walked and at one point Ailen collapsed onto the ground. He was unable to walk for a few hours and we carried him as far as we could, we knew there was no chance of turning back. He would have died before we reached the forest. Ailen joked about his condition, you remember Ailen, he never did take anything seriously, Even his own disease. Varseci found his joking extremely inappropriate in spite of his condition but I knew he was just trying to stay hopeful. On that night we stopped for sleep. Ailen said he’d run ahead and meet us at the boarder. Although he could barely move. We settled down around a fire that took Varseci a few minuets to create. He always was good at conjuring up fire even when he was little. I on the other hand never quite grasped it. We fell asleep rather quickly; we hadn’t slept in a few days as I said so it was almost instant. Then all of a sudden I woke up to this noise. At first I thought it was an animal or beast howling. But when I looked up I saw that Ailen had managed to move a short distance away and was lying on the ground writhing and screaming in agony. Varseci slept sound. But I didn’t blame him; we had been travelling non-stop for days. We wondered how many other people had been this close to the boarder before. And the answer was probably not a lot. I walked over to where Ailen was lying and crouched down to see if he was ok, but I found he was screaming in his sleep. It was the worst thing to see him lying there. He coughed huge violent coughs. Every now and then coughing up thick black and red blood. The black patches on his skin were getting bigger and were spreading throughout his body I tried to stop the pain, but there was nothing I could do…” Frailen stopped, as he saw the look on Herbert’s face. He knew he had gone through the same ordeal with his wife. “Sorry” he said calming down, he gathered his thoughts and then continued. “I could do nothing but leave him to work the pain out on his own, but I did keep a watchful eye on him that night. The next morning he looked worse than ever but insisted that he was fine. We travelled on for a few more days, I’m not too sure how many but finally we reached the border.
No one we knew had ever gone passed it until this point. What lay beyond, none of us knew. But we had prepared for the worst. We passed through some thick tall grass to get to the other side. Once we got past the boarder we were surrounded by a ton of beasts including a lot of Crel!”

Frailen stopped speaking, as a few people had stopped and had looked up at the mention of Crel. Three young people in there twenty’s, two men and a woman, they had been chatting away to each other and were now intent on hearing what Frailen had to say.

Herbert shot a menacing look at them. “What are you all l, looking at?” he asked. Frailen smiled, Herbert never could pull of threatening. Although, the people did go back to there drinks. Herbert looked worried. “You mean the beasts that have caused the plague?” he whispered. “I’m afraid so” Frailen answered unhappily. “Your, your not, you know, infected as well now are you” he asked. “No, no don’t worry, I’m fine” Frailen said still it was without a smile. “Oh good” said Herbert relieved. “I thought that was why you seemed so, you know, so unhappy” but Herbert knew only too well, the sure signs of the plague. If he had of been infected there would have been big black marks all over his body and face.

“Shall I continue” he said looking around at the people who had looked up previously. They had gone back to there usual chatter. Herbert leaned forward. “Anyway, we were surrounded. Beasts lunged at us from all angles, me and Varseci used as much protective magic as we could but there were too many of them. Ailen, his condition critical wanted to help but couldn’t. He was in so much pain he couldn’t bare it. He wouldn’t have made it to the end of the week, let alone the end of the journey. He had been coughing up more and more blood each day. I think he realised that he would never be cured, and didn’t want to bear the pain anymore. He launched himself at a Crel and touched its bare skin.” Herbert gasped and drew back. “He sacrificed himself” “it was the only way” Frailen continued. “It was about to attack us. I’ll never forget Ailen’s face as he touched its skin. Pure terror and pain. It flooded through him in a matter of seconds, and then” he wiped sweat from his head “then he fell to the ground stone dead.
After that we only had a little time to escape. A lot of the creatures and beasts attacking us turned and circled his body. We ran as fast as we could, it was easier to run. It was a lot cooler than the last few days and the rest of it was pure adrenalin. We didn’t stop until nightfall; we found a small cave to rest in. There was no chance we could risk going out there at night. We would have been killed instantly. We sat down in the cramped space and Varseci created a small fire. That’s when it hit us, Ailen was actually gone forever. Varseci created another fire outside and we took it in turns to sleep while the other kept watch. We couldn’t take any chances. We left early the next morning. We knew roughly where we had to go. There were a few times when we were attacked by beasts, but none as bad as at the boarder. The most we went up against was about five or six, flying Chisl. Not too big, but there teeth rip through your skin like a dagger.” He rolled up his left arm sleeve and showed the barman a great puncture wound on his arm. He flinched at the sight of it.

“That was the mother Chisl’s handiwork” he said rolling his sleeve back up before anyone saw. “What about the Crel” asked Herbert, “did you run into anymore of them?” Frailen shook his head. “Not one. I think if we had of done, I wouldn’t be here to tell you about it. They tend to hang around in packs. But the gas they emitted was everywhere. Thankfully we had thought of this and were using protection spells on ourselves. Still we had to hurry, the spells would not last for long and they could not protect us from a full on Crel attack. But for now we were protected from the thinned out gas that was in the air. Anyway, where was I” he asked himself. He picked up the glass in front of him and took a quick gulp.

Then he continued. “Well Varseci and I didn’t have any real problems with the beasts after that. The further we went the fewer creatures there seemed to be. Then we travelled on for weeks, possibly months. We seemed to be travelling nowhere and were close to giving up. The water supply was getting low and all the bread had all gone. Suddenly out of nowhere the ground was replaced by fresh green grass, the, greenest grass I had ever seen and as we walked the air became cooler. The place looked like an old ruin as if someone or something had lived there before. There were big stone pillars and slabs everywhere. And right in the centre was a pond full of water. We ran over and filled our bottles, now of coarse our bags were now really heavy but we had arrived! We just needed to find the entrance.
That however proved difficult seeing as it was buried deep underground. Eventually after a few painstaking hours of searching the gigantic ruins we found it, there was a hidden stone staircase leading underground behind a large pillar.
We knew the pendent had to be down there somewhere. The stairs spiralled down and we walked for a long time in complete darkness until finally we came out into a giant cavern. It was somehow lit from above but we could see no traces of fire or sky anywhere. Down in that cavern, it was almost as big as the place we had just come from. It was like a giant cave, big looming rocks hung down like icicles from the ceiling. And high up on top of a whole mountain of rocks was the big door we read about in the prophecy.” Herbert was wide eyed “so it actually exists” “oh, yes, it exists.” Frailen said coldly.

“And we spent a long time getting to it. It took a lot of magic to get it open but we managed to do it together. The door slid back and revealed a small room in which the pendent sat on a stone table, in a darkened box. It was the most miraculous thing I had ever seen. The pendent sat there glowing pink light oozing from it, it was this that had been lighting the cavern. We both stared into the centre of the stone. It seemed more liquid than solid but kept its shape around the golden necklace. The lid was open and we thought all we needed to do was take the pendent from the box. Varseci moved forwards and reached toward it, fingers outstretched. Just as his fingers approached the pendent, the box slammed shut casting the room into complete darkness. We panicked what could we do. Varseci grabbed a hold of the box to take it from the stone table but it wouldn’t budge. We were about to leave when the lid of the box slowly opened and a brilliant pink light flooded the room once more. There was a sound above us, we dared not look up but knew we must. The noise came again and we both looked up together. Flying high above us revolving in a circle were eight identical black crows.” Herbert looked shocked. “How could crows survive in such a small room?” he asked “and how did they get there in the first place” Frailen sipped on his beer, wetting his dry lips.

When he spoke again his voice was slow and quiet. “I’m not sure” he said “but written on the wall behind them showing through the middle of the circle they were creating were the words THE PENDENT OF THE CROWS” Herbert leaned further forward. “Do you think the crows were protecting the pendent then” he asked. “I think that’s exactly what they were doing” replied Frailen “this time, I tried to take the pendent” one of the crows came down and attacked me, pushing me back out of the door. We tried again and again, using protection spells and different ways to approach the pendent but every time either a crow or a few crows came down to attack us. Of course the one big law about animals is that you cannot kill crows.” Herbert understood. Crows were sacred creatures. And he had been told as well as so many others, that if you killed a crow, your soul would be condemned forever. At least that was the story. Weather true or not, no one had killed a crow for over a thousand years. “I think the creator of the pendent sent the crows to protect it so that no one would be able to get it without killing eight crows. Something nobody would consider doing. In the end we were out of ideas. The pendent remained where it was untouched and safe as it could be. We had no choice but to return. It was all for nothing”

“Don’t say that” Herbert said as he vigorously shook his head, “if there was even the slightest chance you could find a cure then it was worth the journey.” Frailen nodded “your right, but we were still disappointed. Anyway, there was nothing else to do, but to come back. Varseci returned to his castle and I arrived in the village just under an hour ago.” Herbert looked up shocked. “Oh, sorry” he said, “have you had anything to eat” “not a lot” Frailen said taking one of the salt scratching’s off of the bar. “Oh let me get you something, soup or something.” “If it’s not too much trouble” asked Frailen. “No, no trouble at all, I’ll see what we’ve got left in the kitchen from this afternoon.” As he rushed off to the kitchen, leaving the bar unattended, Frailen turned on his stool and looked round. He felt relieved to be home but extremely disappointed. They had had a glimpse of hope when Herbert had found the information in the prophecy but it had all been for nothing.

There weren’t any people in the pub with the plague, but Frailen knew that every one of them knew someone who did. Herbert wouldn’t have minded people with the plague coming in to the pub, it wasn’t contagious at all. But they preferred not to be seen in public. A drunken guy knocked over his drink as he stood up to leave. He didn’t seem to notice and trotted off into the night. A woman shouted after him that he’d left his jacket behind, but he had already gone.
A few minuets later Herbert hurried back into the room holding a bowl and some rolls. “Here you go” he said dropping them onto the table next to the salt scratching’s. “I’m sorry it’s not more but the guy who cooks the meals went home ages ago, I had to make it myself” “its fine” Frailen said dipping a salt scratching into the bowl of murky green soup. “Oh Fensk didn’t leave his jacket again” Herbert asked irritated. He took the coat off of the woman and placed it behind the bar. “Got no brains that man” said Herbert.

Frailen hadn’t eaten proper food in a long time. He had survived on mushrooms, berries and small edible creatures. Even this slimy soup, with what looked like mould growing on top tasted good to him. He expected Varseci was tucking in to a well deserved meal at his castle. Since they had left the ruin with nothing he had become week and tired. Frailen felt it too, it seemed like the biggest waste of a trip. They had taken there time upon coming back. Varseci was more eager to get home, and Frailen couldn’t blame him, he had a good life up in the castle. He had never been up there as it was quite a way away from the village, but he had overheard conversations that said he had over twelve servants waiting on him. Frailen thought this was a bit of an exaggeration but had been astonished when he had told Frailen he would help him find the pendent. Also everyone who went up that way always noted that there were at least two guards standing out front. Varseci did have a lot of money so he probably needed the extra security. Frailen dipped one of the rolls into the soup and it bubbled. Frailen took a huge bite and swallowed it whole. Herbert glanced over at the window as a breeze blew in; it was a relief as it was extremely hot in there with all of the people. “oh, look how dark it is” he said as he saw the pitch black sky. “ok, closing time everyone” there was a loud groan as the people slowly staggered out of the pub, Herbert had to walk round and wake up a few people before sending them on there way. A man wearing a baggy t-shirt pushed him away as he tried to wake him and snuggled back up into his chair. He was a big guy even for Herbert, but he managed to roll him off the chair into a standing position and pointed him towards the door.

Frailen remained seated until everyone had gone before standing up himself. “Well I suppose I’d better go and find a place to stay” he said. “Don’t be silly” Herbert said walking back from the front door. “You don’t have anywhere to go. You can stay here in the guest room.” “Are you sure” “Of course, you can say hello to Julian tomorrow this way. It’ll be a surprise for him.” Frailen sat back on the stool and poured the remaining soup in the bowl down his throat. “Ok I’ll stay here, but just for tonight, I’ll see if I can get my old job back tomorrow.” Before they had left Frailen had worked at the wizard’s library in the village. It was the best job he had ever had. He had his own room above it and all he had to do during the day was mark a few books going in and out. Not a lot of wizards needed books. They usually learned the basic magic they needed to know in school, but now and again he would get specialist people looking for a certain spell in particular or wanting to go beyond the basic stuff.

“There’s some other guy working there now” said Herbert frowning. “Look Frailen, I’m worried, back in the old days you would have one maybe two people catching the plague a year. Now it’s more like two a week, them Crel are breeding like crazy.” Frailen didn’t know what to say, he knew how bad it was getting, more and more people were dying everyday but nobody wanted to acknowledge it. People generally put on a fake smile and carried on with business as usual, although now it was quite usual. “Soon there won’t be anyone left. Frailen there has to be another way to get rid of the plague. It was bad enough when Ella got it, I don’t know if I could go on if Julian” he closed his eyes tight “or any of my close friends caught it. It’s the worst thing anyone could go through. Ella was constantly in agony.”

Frailen looked down. “I know” he said. Herbert closed his half opened mouth. “I, I’m sorry” he said. “I forgot. But Frailen, there has to be something.” “To my knowledge, there is nothing that can get rid of the plague, I researched it for years. It was initially why I started working at the library. All of the information books you could hope for but there was no solution. We tried.” Herbert shook his head, he knew that there had been lots of people who had tried to find a cure, there were a lot of fake ones out there, but none of them worked. Frailen finished off the last roll and the salt scratching’s on the table before yawning. “Are you tired” asked Herbert. “I haven’t changed the sheets on the spare bed yet.” Frailen shrugged, after sleeping rough for the last six months, he was glad to be sleeping in an actual bed.

They stood up together and Herbert led him up the stairs towards the spare room. It wasn’t very big but that didn’t matter. “I’ll see you in the morning” Herbert said, he walked out and over to his own room. Frailen placed his long blue coat and hat beside the bed and slumped down onto it and ten seconds after his head hit the pillow he was sound asleep.

Mr Write

Ok, so no ones replied.
I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.
If it was good I’m sure someone would say so and also if it was utter rubbish, oh well, I’ll post the second chapter in a bit, its almost done, just a couple of things to sort out.

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Here’s what I’m currently writing
http://www.writingforums.com/fiction...ent-crows.html
Please tell me what you think

DaughterofEvil

I wouldn't scrap it. I think it has quite a bit of potential. I only have one major nit pick for you:

You are a descriptive writer, and it is clear that you've got these big, beautiful ideas in your head that you want to transcribe to paper, hoping that your vision will simply jump to life if you simply give it enough detail... But its too much detail that is tripping you up. You're cramming far too much information into one little scene and the little descriptive gems that you drop get lost in this sensory overload. In fact, your story stalls because you're too hung up on the details.

My suggestion is to pick a few focal points in your scenes and don't worry about the rest. You can describe and describe until you get blue in the face, but your reader is still going to have their own version of what things look like in their head. Just provide them with a guideline and only spend time on the details that really matter, otherwise you risk having your story come off as tedious and boring.

Good luck! =D>

Mr Write

taken off

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Here’s what I’m currently writing
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Please tell me what you think

Mr Write

Thank you, that’s the kind of advice I’ve been waiting for, I’m just in the middle of posting up chapter 2, and i expect i put too much description in there too, but its only a first draft and i will defiantly go through the chapters again and sort them out!

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Here’s what I’m currently writing
http://www.writingforums.com/fiction...ent-crows.html
Please tell me what you think

Mr Write

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Here’s what I’m currently writing
http://www.writingforums.com/fiction...ent-crows.html
Please tell me what you think

Mr Write

taken off

__________________
Here’s what I’m currently writing
http://www.writingforums.com/fiction...ent-crows.html
Please tell me what you think

Mr Write

t

__________________
Here’s what I’m currently writing
http://www.writingforums.com/fiction...ent-crows.html
Please tell me what you think

starling

Hi - this is a great start. You've created enough suspense that I was hooked into reading it. I also like the ambiguity of the situation: I kind of get the feeling that the power could turn the protag into the antag - can't tell for sure, and it gets me involved.

I wanted to mention in the last section, when he's falling above the cavern, you've down-played the intensity - it's too rational. Have you ever been about to fall from somewhere high? You're sure you're going to die. There's no rationality - it's all instinct. If you tweak that it'll have more power, I think.

Good luck with the rest of it.

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You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you. - Ray Bradbury -

Mr Write

Thanks for the advice, and I’m glad you liked it.

With the whole falling above the cavern thing, I tried to write it fast, as at the time I was trying to get into his position and see what I would do, but as you say, I probably wouldn’t be so rational if it were actually happening to me. I even put at one point “he knew what to do. He moved his right foot over to the next part of rock” I put that in after saying he was nervous and sweating.
So I’ll definably work on that scene some more!

Cheers!

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Non Serviam

Hi, Mr Write!

This is looking good for a first draft. You're overwriting a fair bit, but that's normal and easily fixed in the revision stage.

When you've completed the piece and you're going back over it for the first rewrite, I would suggest hunting for a few particular issues...

First, you're using a lot of modifiers (adjectives and adverbs). You can make your writing more vigorous by cutting the modifiers in favour of a more precise noun or verb. For example:

It was raining heavily --> Rain slashed down.
The black woman walked slowly towards the sports car --> The africaine sauntered over to the porsche.

Second, you have a few spelling habits that the spellchecker won't catch. You tend to write "surly" where you mean "surely", "pendent" where you mean "pendant", "there" for "their", etc. Check these words carefully in the revision stage.

Thirdly, you tend to stitch clauses together into quite long sentences. Your writing would be simpler and easier to read if you broke each long sentence into two or three smaller ones.

Hope this helps!

NS

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How many of you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand.

Mr Write

Thanks, I know I’m not the best at spelling, if I didn’t have spellchecker at all my writing would be awful and you’d give up after the first couple of words.

I’ve been told I over describe things and am working on it on chapter 3.
I’ll take what you’ve said into consideration from now on and I’ll probably rewrite the whole thing a lot before I’m satisfied and when I am, I’ll see if you guys are, then I’ll be happy with it.

Thanks for the help!

Taxiday

The old worn down pub was still open. And through the stained glass windows, jolly bright yellow light burst through, onto the cold street. There was some noise coming from inside, as the regulars poured drink after drink down them, and had little sing-a-longs to each other.

Out here though was a completely different atmosphere. Darkness surrounded and rain fell down heavily onto its tattered exterior.
A strong wind howled and swept along the ground, blowing the grass and flowers in all different directions. Most of the flowers had been squashed ages ago by bored kids, possibly some drunks as well. Now almost all of the surviving flower heads had been blown off by the heavy wind that had been increasing all night.

Muddy puddles formed on the ground which at least one person was bound to slip up in on the way home.

I am only going to deal with these opening sentences and will try to show you how -I- would try to make it more to the point

Jolly bright yellow light burst through the stained glass windows of the old, worn down pub onto the cold street. Noise from inside told of the regulars pouring down drink after drink, accompanied by a sing-a-long.

Darkness surrounded the pub and heavy rain fell onto its tattered exterior. The strong wind howled and swept the ground, blowing the grass and squashed flowers in different directions.

Muddy puddles, in which at least one person would slip in, formed on the ground.

Your premise is interesting but you make one wade through a lot to get to the gist of things. Tighten it up like this and see what comes out.

Mr Write

Thanks, I had started the opening of chapter 3 but after reading what you said I’ve cut out a lot of stuff, mostly over descriptive stuff and it doesn’t take too long to get through now. (Went from about 900 words to 350)

Also I’m going to go through and make sure all of the spelling is correct before posting the next Chapter, (although I expect there will still be a few wrong spellings here and there).