Incurable: what do you think? - Writers Forum

raven hope · 08-17-2007, 10:28 PM

I dunno where to put this thread, but thought maybe I could ask for everyone's opinion.

When my English teacher gave this essay out to the class, he told us that this write is really good. But after I'd read it, I voiced out loud: "You call this good? I don't think so. It's cliche and not flowing. And look, he got a major grammar mistake." We argued for quite some time, but I finally gave in. Why do I need to continue to waste my breath at such a narrow-minded and unreasonable teacher?

Anyway, I think I would rather let you be the judge.

Incurable (Part 1)

Did I do it intentionally? Yes. Why? Now that's trickier, and my explaination has to start with Tim's illness.

You a father yourself? Then you'd understand that he was everything that my wife and I wanted. We'd been trying for years, so when he came, no expense was spared. We bought new clothes, new toys. We even moved to our new flat recently so that he could have more space. Ah, the four of us were so happy then. It seemed as if nothing could go...

What? Yes, that's right, four of us. Don't you have it all on your file already? Fine, I'll state it for the record. There's my wife, Tim, Sandra and I. Sandra's our first born, six years older than Tim, just your average girl.

As I was saying, things were perfect until Tim came down with flu, just after we moved in. We thought it best to seperate the kids, but Sandra wanted to help take care of him. That was a welcome development since she's always had tantrums, complaints that we weren't giving her enough attention after Tim came along. The usual stuff kids outgrow?

But Tim didn't get well, even with the best doctors. No, he got worse, his flu becoming a deep-seated hacking cough, displacing the laughter in our family. Every cough was a stab to my heart, a rhythmic rasp that squeezed the life out of us. It was a sound we came to dread, a constant reminder that the most cherished member of our family was unwell.

Gloom quickly descended upon us. As I grew more desperate to help Tim, I became short-tempered, snappish, constantly on edge. It's not easy watching your only son waste away, growing thinner and weaker by the day!

My wife had it worse enough. She's the superstitious kind, and was sure we had offended the gods. She started hearing things around the house...I don't know, footsteps, things like that. She would even wake up at night, face contorted with fear, swearing she heard rustling noises from the hall. To placate her we burst out into the hallonce or twice, only to find Sandra rummaging around for Tim's medication. It's only Sandra, I would tell her, only Sandra...

Sandra seemed to be the only one untouched by the sickness afflicting us. She stayed cheerful, determined to maintain normalcy in the house. When my wife iwas nervous, Sandra was calm, always ready with a reassuring word. Soon it will all be better, Sandra would remind us.

So, what do you guys think?

Careb Dayrvis · 08-17-2007, 10:33 PM

Yeah, I agree with you. Its not badly written, but it certainly isn't exempliary of a well written piece.

Ilasir Maroa · 08-18-2007, 12:51 AM

Well, it is in fact very well written, tells the story in a coherent tone, and I don't see why you got worked up about the teacher saying it was awesome. edited

sorry)

Olly Buckle · 08-18-2007, 03:57 PM

Harsh Ilasir, and badly written, to not too, if you "always " hate it why do it, missed the last "l" in applicable, wouldn'T. pots and kettles.
If presented something in an English class Raven is entitled to an opinion. Do you mean argued or discussed Raven? If they were a good teacher it should have been the latter, if it wasn't you were wise to back down, bad teachers make favorites, and the opposite. In what way did your teacher think it illustrated excellence? It's not very believable that the best doctors spotted nothing when every reader is supposed to spot it for a starter and I see nothing to grab me stylistically. Coherent yes, but not awesome.

raven hope · 08-20-2007, 09:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Olly Buckle

Harsh Ilasir, and badly written, to not too, if you "always " hate it why do it, missed the last "l" in applicable, wouldn'T. pots and kettles.
If presented something in an English class Raven is entitled to an opinion. Do you mean argued or discussed Raven? If they were a good teacher it should have been the latter, if it wasn't you were wise to back down, bad teachers make favorites, and the opposite. In what way did your teacher think it illustrated excellence? It's not very believable that the best doctors spotted nothing when every reader is supposed to spot it for a starter and I see nothing to grab me stylistically. Coherent yes, but not awesome.

Well, actually, I really did argue with my teacher - he's a bad one anyway. And I did ask him why did he think that it's good, he told me that the writer uses eye-catching vocabs. I mean, just only that? Sure, the writer did used quite a number of colorful vocabs, but he did have a number of major grammar errors which were so obvious that all my classmates could just spot them with one glance. And none of my calssmates think that it was good.

1: the idea was obviously cliche - does "incurable" must have to do with sickness like flu, cancer, etc.?
2: the first few paragraph was dreggy - and he just ended it abruptly, making the conclusion hollow.

Oh yeah, I'm the kind who likes to debate.

Ilasir Maroa · 08-20-2007, 11:44 AM

The only real mistakes I could find were typos. I'm probably being dense, but maybe you could point out some of these grammatical mistakes.

raven hope · 08-20-2007, 07:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ilasir Maroa

The only real mistakes I could find were typos. I'm probably being dense, but maybe you could point out some of these grammatical mistakes.

There's no typo errors - though here's one obvious mistake in the story:

Quote:

You a father yourself?

It should be: Are you a father yourself?

There's still one more. See if can spot it yourself.

I will post up the second part by this week.

Ilasir Maroa · 08-20-2007, 07:36 PM

Actually, there are typos... missing D's "wante" instead of "wanted" but that might be your fault from when you posted it...

Anyway, I know it sounds like an obvious cop-out, but I did notice that point you made, and I laid it down to an intentional thing to fit the conversational tone of the piece. People do do that, to develop the charcter.

Dana_Johnson · 08-20-2007, 10:13 PM

It wasn't the greatest of stories, but I've read far worse pieces. It didn't flow too well either, due to the grammatical errors perhaps.

Yet I'm slightly interested in the second piece, to see how it all ends.

raven hope · 08-22-2007, 02:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ilasir Maroa

Actually, there are typos... missing D's "wante" instead of "wanted" but that might be your fault from when you posted it...

Anyway, I know it sounds like an obvious cop-out, but I did notice that point you made, and I laid it down to an intentional thing to fit the conversational tone of the piece. People do do that, to develop the charcter.

Thanks for pointing out...I have made the correction.

And you are right.

raven hope · 08-22-2007, 03:04 AM

And here's part two...

Incurable (Part 2)

We lasted four weeks in that miserable bubble of helplessness, until that night you found me. I had woken to another of my wife's frantic pleadings to identify mysterious echoes, but just before I rattled off my usual reassurances, I stopped. Something was different this time.

Instead of the peaceful silence I expected, I perceived a low, sucking noise, like the sharp intake of breaths people take when they are surprised. It was soft, but nevertheless a rake across the senses, a sinister slithering I could not ignore.

I followed that sound outside to the hallway, right to the kids' room. I turned the handle slowly, and through the silver of an opening, I saw it.

What was it? I really can't say. But I saw it, a quivering shadow hunched over Tim in his bed. I was transfixed. The shadow was an oily, dark sheen that soaked up what little moonlight there was flowing in through the windows. The shadow was darkest over Tim's face, somehow growing bigger, blacker as the sucking sounds went on and on and on...

I threw open the door. When the lights flooded the room, the first thing I saw was Sandra sitting up in her bed, ramrod straight, staring with glassy eyes at Tim on the bed next to hers. The shadow was gone, its absence marked by the return of Tim's familiar coughing. I grabbed Sandra by the arms, lifted her clear off her bed, slammed her into the wall. She had one chance, just one chance to explain it all...

"Soon it will be better, and we'll be happy again, yes?"

And then she smiled...but the smile never touched her eyes.

Well, that's all I remember, officer. There's nothing more to explain. Was it a spirit? What type of spirit was it? How would I know?

I don't care if you think I'm lying. My own daughter, with her reassurances, lulled us into a false sense of security, sitting there every night as that thing fed off Tim. If it weren't for her, we would have...done something.

True, I was angry at her, but I didn't strangle her out of anger. I had to do it to protect Tim.You would know, wouldn't you, as a father?

Dana_Johnson · 08-22-2007, 05:29 AM

I must say that had a twist I didn't quite expect. The second part was actually a bit of fun to read. Although I think it may be too dramatic for what preceeded it, somewhat sudden it seemed. Don't know what else to say.

Olly Buckle · 08-23-2007, 03:12 PM

What a load of old tosh, and there is nothing, no explanation, no pay off, was it associated with the girl? what was it? It doesn't go anywhere, it doesn't explore characters, relationships, nothing, It's one dimensional low class horror. My advice would be to keep your head down in his classes, then go down the charity shop and buy all the books that you have heard of as classics, read them, there is a reason they got a reputation in the first place, they may not all be to your taste but you will learn lots about writing.

blackthorn · 08-24-2007, 03:22 PM

I think that it's a great story! It needs to be developed a little bit more, but I think you got it!

Olly Buckle · 08-24-2007, 05:42 PM

I think you missed the point Blackthorn, this is a story her teacher gave her as an ideal.