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Old 08-02-2007, 06:55 PM   #1
CSX
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Untitled Fantasy (Dragons vs their former human slaves)

This is a story I've had in my head for quite some time. I hope to get it published, but obviously I need practice first. Hope you guys can give me the critique I need to improve! =D I expect that I will have to do A LOT of revising.


Prologue


Malynxion had spent the last few hours atop a mountain side cliff staring at the human farm village of Surofor. Within this village stood randomly placed, indistinct wooden buildings that stood not much taller than the humans themselves. On the far east side of the village, he saw a flat plain that he assumed was a farm, seeing as how it was lined with systematic rows of crops. On the far west, he noted a tall well embellished structure that appeared to be a church or temple of some sort. He could only assume that’s what it was, since he saw little use for such an ornate building other than to pray to whatever false gods they indulged themselves in. Then again, few understood how humans thought.

He focused his eyes into the dusty streets within the village. He observed farmers milking cows, blacksmiths forging crude weapons, militia aimlessly patrolling the streets and occasionally breaking up fights, peasants of all ages participating in various activities of civil life, all in a dusty, polluted town which at first sight seemed to be colored by nothing more than three shades of dull brown.

He shook his head in thinly veiled disgust. This was the humans’ idea of civilization? This primitive cesspool that belied everything nature’s beauty cherished? Granted, this was a mere peasant village, but if this was any example of human progress, then the humans would’ve done the world a favor by ceasing to exist. If anything, he felt they were actually better off as they had always been before: as slaves.

Insisting that he didn’t need to punish himself by watching such a pitiful existence, he took his eyes off the village and stared into the afternoon sky, and thanked the crystals that the humans have yet to taint the sky’s natural blue beauty. It was then that he sensed an unfamiliar presence lurking in the woods behind him. Fearing, however unlikely, that a troupe of human militia had somehow discovered him, he turned around and faced the general direction his instincts insisted the intruders hid. His sharp eyes scanned the surrounding area in a manner not unlike his scrutinizing the village behind him. To his slight frustration, he saw nothing.

He shrugged moments later, seeing that his dire search was for naught since the intruder ended up revealing itself anyway. The creature was a tall, furry, and untamed grizzly bear, or at least that’s what the humans thought of it. It stood much taller and sported a brawnier build than he did and wore claws that, at first glance, looked like they would rip him – or any fleshly being for that matter – into shreds. The grizzly drooled hungrily and trudged its way toward its target, as if it had found the meal it it had likely spent hours looking for. Indeed, the grizzly would’ve ripped Malynxion apart -- If of course he was a mere human like the feral beast assumed he was.

Malynxion removed the hood shadowing his face and revealed a pale, handsome and austere face accompanied by sharp, black hair with bangs that covered one side of his face and long, pointy ears resembling those of elven ones. Upon revelation, the feral grizzly stopped dead in its tracks. Whatever ferocity the creature exhibited previously was immediately replaced with fear and, to the discerning eye, a slight hint of reverence.

The creature knelt before the elven figure and roared archaic grunts, as if trying to communicate something – a plea. Malynxion, the worldy being he was, acknowledged the fallen grizzly, though he had yet to decipher the grizzly’s primitive tongue.

“Hail, mighty black dragon! Show this miserable one the slightest light of mercy!” the furry giant suddenly spoke in heavily accented, Known language.

Known language was the universal standard language. It was created by the dragons, who named it because it was the first true language any species in recorded history had ever spoken, and was accepted and spoken all over the world much like gold was accepted as the universal currency.

Malynxion couldn’t help but smile at the grizzly’s admirably earnest, albeit rather pitiful, plea for forgiveness.

“You and your tribe have my blessings, young Furglen. I might’ve gone far enough to aid you in your hunt for nourishment, but little can disguise my foul mood. Begone, for it would be wise that you not incur my wrath this day.” The dragon replied in his naturally deep and overwhelming voice.

With no further word, the grizzly ran off.

Moments later, a massive, translucent figure soared over the sky above the dragon mage. Despite its size, it did not make even the slightest sound in its approach, and its transparency would have rendered it invisible to any eye other than Malynxion’s. The behemoth descended and landed with a grace that belied its size. The giant revealed itself, or rather, herself, to be none other than a black dragon like Malynxion. Upon landing, circles of neon glowing lights circumscribed the female dragon as unnatural, arcane symbols orbited distinct parts of her body in a systematic fashion. Seconds later, the giant re-materialized into a smaller, humanoid form, with elven ears and pale skin just like her male counterpart, as well as a height that stood only three inches shorter.

Flowing onto her shoulders and off the upper part of her back was fiery red hair tied in an elegant, royal fashion. Her eyes were tinted of maroon. The woman’s gown was embroidered with arcane symbols and various jewels that, at first glance, may have been thought to have taken centuries to craft. She wore golden rings and bracelets of various fashions on her extremities. Although Malynxion was no slob in appearance, she clearly cared more for appearance than he did, and cared for it with a beauty and elegance like no other. To any lesser race, she may as well have credibly called herself a goddess.

“You know how distasteful I find it when you strike fear into the hearts of innocent creatures like the Furglens, Malynxion,” the red-haired dragon stated in a furious tone.

Her male counterpart, however, did not reply, and instead continued staring at the human village.

“My love?” her voice softened, “What is it that troubles you so?”

She walked up to where Malynxion stood and realized what caused her lover such anguish.

“Ah, a human settlement,” she softly remarked.

“You must have noticed it on your flight here, Nelraina.”

“I might have, if my eyes were not so fixated on you,” she smiled in a flirtatious manner.

He struggled to smile back, to retort a witty charm of his own, but failed miserably, lost in his thoughts about the humans.

“These humans,” he started as if he was about to cry in frustration, “they strip us of our land, our flight, our rightful place in this world, only to end up creating this, these… things! These primitive dwellings they call towns! This is what they do with our land? Poison it with their amateur understanding of physics and magic? I had always thought that since they overthrew our rule they had surpassed us as a species, but..."

Try as he did, he couldn’t find the right words to describe his disgust. Upon closer inspection of the village, his beloved wore a similar expression.

“I can hear nature’s cries! Her anguish at the human’s defiling of her body! This time of year should have plenty game for all creatures of all dwellings to hunt! But I see none! No rabbits leaping in the forest grass, few birds flying in search of food, the forest colored with only indistinct shades of dull brown. If the Furglen’s dying hunger was any indication, the land is losing its life because of their reckless abuse of nature!” Malynxion threatened to bellow his anguish into the skies.

“My love,” she wrapped herself around his right arm, hoping to use her seductive warmth to alleviate his agony. “What has become of the world has become of the world. Our loss, our failure, they’re in the past now.”

“Does this look like the past to you?” he pointed at the village.

“But we might as well call it our past. You know that ever since the crystal’s powers disappeared, we’ve lost our vigor, our power, our hold over the land. The rest of the dragons are lost in a state of lethargy. The humans have grown to the point where we no longer have the strength to overtake them and reclaim the land that was once thrived under our dominion. Reality is harsh, but we must move on. The Age of the Dragons is gone.” She stated bitterly.

“No. It is not.”

“Yes it is!” She shouted, feeling an uncharacteristic pessimism her own, “Unless you have some kind of miraculous plan to—“ she interrupted herself upon seeing something she had not seen in a long time: Malynxion’s sinister grin.

She smiled. “Ah, you do have a plan, don’t you Malynxion?”

His agony all but gone, Malynxion finally turned to stare at his beloved mate. He then turned back in the direction of the human village and raised left hand into the sky. He muttered words of power, and soon after, much to the noted surprise of the villagers, a massive, pitch black cloud materialized over the village and replaced the sky. He let out an unheard sigh, signaling his spell’s ignition. Shards of flame rained down from the cloud’s epicenter and within moments, explosions and screams of agony were all that was heard in the surrounding area. Crude, wooden buildings were set ablaze instantly as peasants struggled to tame the flames latched on their own clothing. The flames seemed to have a mind of their own, as they purposefully jumped from building to building as if intentionally causing destruction. Whatever the raining shards of death touched, seemed to explode, and the panicking humans were no exception. Some peasants and officers exploded with blood and entrails flying in every conceivable direction, while others simply had their bodies burned and melted until only bone and cartilage, and sometimes not even that much, was left.

Chaos and destruction were two words that easily came to mind when Nelreina tried to describe the squalid scene.

“I’m sorry if this does not bode well with you, my love,” Malynxion remorsefully stated, “I know you do not appreciate the genocide of innocent lives.” he was referring to the women and children of the village.

At that comment, Nelraina snapped and slapped her lover cold in the face. As blood dripped out of Malynxion’s lips, his expression changed from a surprised frown to a loving smile.

“You insult me to even think that I would sympathize with these humans! They are to me what pigs and cows and other livestock are to them! Remember Malynxion, and don’t you ever forget! They were our slaves back in the Age of the Dragons, and I still view them as nothing more!”

Despite her ferocity in battle, Nelraina was always, at heart, a kind, motherly being that cared for and helped to nurture younglings of all species; humans being the grand exception.

She pouted and turned away from her lover, but Malynxion walked behind her and lovingly wrapped his arms around her. He kissed her on the cheek, which caused her to flush slightly and seemed to alleviate her anger at his previous affront.

“Even if I tried, I could love no one else as much as you,” he whispered into her ear. He motioned her to stare at the carnage of the village.

“I have a plan,” he whispered, “one that will revive our failing flight and allow us the power we need to retake the world that was once ours and enslave the humans like the dogs they rightfully are.”

“The only thing in this world that can grant us such power is the infinite crystal, the Magis Crystallis…”

“Yes. Its power is our birthright, and you know as well as I do that we have been stripped from it for far too long.”

“You realize how difficult this quest will be, Malynxion?”

“Very.”

“How perilous?”

“Incredibly.”

“How likely the humans, maybe even the detached elves, will do everything in their power to stop us?”

“They could send armies for all I care.”

“In the face of all this, you're still going to do this?”

“Yes,” Malynxion paused, “I will do this one way or another, with or without help. For our children, our fellow dragons, I will prevail, even at the cost of my life.”

“No,” Nelraina retorted, “I would sooner be enslaved by humans than watch you perish alone!”

“Nelraina…” he was stunned by the notion.

“You are wrong, Malynxion. We will do this one way or another, with or without help. For our children, our fellow dragons, we shall prevail, even at the cost of our lives. I will be there with you, against whatever peril, whatever enemy, whatever odds…”

“I take it that means you will join me, my love?”

She paused for a moment, and then wore the most sinister smile Malynxion had ever seen. “Only if we can slaughter the humans in the process.”

During their resolved love statements toward each other, the world around them, including the forests, had been set ablaze. Fire surrounded them, but didn’t dare to touch them. Sparks of fire and ashes flew in the wind around them. One of Nelraina’s hair bands fell lose, and causing her hair to flutter freely in the fiery winds.

Malynxion stood in front of his lover, embraced her, and kissed her.

“Malynxion.”

“To you, my love.”

“No. To us. To our children. To our fellow dragons, our flight. And, by the crystal’s blessing, to the new Age of the Dragons!”

***************

Notes: I've never written a prologue before, so I don't know if this is good or not.

Malynxion and Nelraina are the primary antagonists of the story, but I spent the prologue on them to establish some kind of ambition for the story to drive upon (also because I believe even the bad guys have to have some kind of 'good' motive.)

The general summary is: The two black dragons seek to revive an ancient artifact called the infinite crystal: Magis Crystallis in order to revive a power that was lost to them several decades ago when the humans liberated themselves from dragon enslavement. With the crystal's powers, they intend to rebuild their flight and destroy the human kingdoms and regain their rightful dominion over the world. The protagonists (will be revealed in chapter one) are obviously humans and will embark on a race-against-the-clock adventure to try and stop them.

Last edited by CSX : 08-16-2007 at 12:36 AM.
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Old 08-03-2007, 04:10 PM   #2
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How can no one have replied to this yet?! It's awesome! I love it. Absolutely love it! Fabulously written with tonnes of imagery and I was sucked in from the start. Well done, CSX, you have my applause.

I'm glad you have baddies with a good motive. The best stories are the ones where there aren't really any baddies - just two sides with opposing views so that the reader can sympathize with both and follow both sides in their quests.

I'm liking the characters I've met already and can't wait to meet the protagonists. And the idea of the dragons changing form and wielding magic is just awesome. Write more!
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Old 08-03-2007, 05:05 PM   #3
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Thanks for the reply Akroma! I was afraid no one liked it since I didn't get any replies the whole day yesterday. You've revived my confidence, which is what I really need at this point! Thanks! =D
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Old 08-03-2007, 09:53 PM   #4
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CSX - note that these are my own personal impressions and other people might not get them. It's very negative.

Things that struck me:

1.) I read a slush novelette just the other day about dragons/wyrms able to transform into humans. So the premise isn't original, of course. But, I'm sorry to say, that other one was better and done shorter, not to mention in a more interesting world. (Villages? Why is it always villages?)

2.) There is a story with dragons and were-creatures shapeshifting into humans. Sarah Hoyt - "Draw One In The Dark"

3.) There is a game called Chrono Cross where the dragons turn out to be the bad guys fighting against humans.

Cliche phrases and things that don't make sense:

“I have a plan,” -- reminds me of King Julian from Madagascar: "I have a plan. A cunning plan!"

a tall, rusty but well embellished structure -- unless the temple is made completely out of iron, 'rusty' doesn't fit

Chaos and destruction -- a combination too often seen

'...' -- is used too much. To denote a pause, have the dragon actually pause. The constant use of '...' is something out of an rpg-game story.

The dragons, our flight… you know that -- 'you know that' is similar to 'as you know' and I'm sure to read about an infodump next. Bad disguise. (I found out about this after getting scorched myself for doing it. Urk.)

Too much character description, as if the images are being forced into the reader's head. It bogs things down. IMO a balance between 'focused' and vague is better. Also the dragons are a dying race. The same was done with elves. (See Dragonlance series by Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman, it has shades of everything you are trying to do here.) And the whole revive with the crystal thing reminds me of the old FF games.

I found it too predictable and the conflict--human vs. nature--not different enough, a C grade story. The love between the two doesn't save it. There's nothing new here about dragons because the premise isn't different enough, and if you're trying to publish it you have to at least top or equal one of the existing stories out there. Sorry.



Milo
At least it was readable.
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Old 08-03-2007, 10:14 PM   #5
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Thanks Milo!

I see what you're getting at. I was aware that this story wasn't going to be very original. I haven't really read the stories you indicated, so I can't really say that I copied material from those. The dragon shapeshifting thing I knew wasn't original, but I liked the idea nonetheless, so I went ahead and used it.

Will revise the grammar and stuff according to the changes you suggested.

It's not so much human vs nature as much as it is just dragon vs human, Former masters vs Recently freed slaves. The dragons have a love for nature that the humans generally don't, but that's not what this is about.

Could you elaborate on what you meant by "Too much character description, as if the images are being forced into the reader's head. It bogs things down. IMO a balance between 'focused' and vague is better."

I'm curious, has there to your knowledge been a story about dragons enslaving humans?

Thanks a lot! =D
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Old 08-03-2007, 10:43 PM   #6
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No, but there are similar premises.

Mercedes Lackey and Andre Norton (I think) wrote about elves controlling humans and threw dragons into the mix. I forget the series title, but you should look the two up. But no, I can't recall a story where humans are already enslaved by dragons. (Though older people might, unless you're aiming for a Y.A. audience.)

If you focused on the humans turned dragon-slaves and wrote it well instead of having the dragons a dying race--why are they always dying?--and trying to enslave humans now, that might be interesting enough to work.

Just note: Don't do it like Margaret. She got there ahead of you. And she's far more prolific.

Barnes*&*Noble.com - Books: Master of Dragons (Dragonvarld #3), by Margaret Weis, Mass Market Paperback, Reprint

Snippet
-----
In Mistress of Dragons we were introduced to a world where political deception, greed, and avarice have lead to a violation of the “hands off” policy of the Parliament of Dragons concerning the affairs of men.

In The Dragon’s Son twins born out of violence and raised apart discover the secrets of their legacy and the plot to incite a war between dragons and men.

Now as the evidence of deceit, betrayal, and perdition is revealed to them, who will emerge as mankind's savior as the

Master of Dragons
A divided Parliament of Dragons where division and self preservation incite war and threaten the order of the ages.

A hidden stronghold where insidious and outlaw dragons hatch a race bent on the subjugation of all mankind.

The ancient city of Seth and its mystical order of warrior priestesses who have the power to fight back against the attacks of dragons.

The twins Marcus and Ven must unlock the secrets of these places and their own powers and overcome their own personal differences as they prepare to clash in a war that may pit brother against brother and dragon against dragon to determine dominion of the world and the survival of the fittest.

Master of Dragons is the epic conclusion of Margaret Weis's triumphant Dragonvarld trilogy, an epic of politics, war, and the delicate balance of the ways of dragons and men.
-----
That is pretty recent unlike Dragonlance, by the way.

Quote:
Moments later, a massive, translucent figure soared over the sky above the dragon mage. Despite its size, it did not make even the slightest sound in its approach, and its transparency would have rendered it invisible to any eye other than Malynxion’s. The behemoth descended and landed with a grace that belied its size. The leviathan revealed itself, or rather, herself, to be none other than a black dragon like Malynxion. Upon landing, circles of neon glowing lights circumscribed the female dragon as unnatural, arcane symbols orbited distinct parts of her body in a systematic fashion. Seconds later, the giant re-materialized into a smaller, humanoid form, with elven ears and pale skin just like her male counterpart, as well as a height that stood only three inches shorter.
This chunk is one that bogs things down. Behemoth and leviathan are two different things, btw.

Quick revision below.
Quote:
Moments later a translucent figure soared over the sky above the dragon mage. Despite its size, it did not make even the slightest sound in its approach, and its transparency would have rendered it invisible to any eye other than Malynxion’s.

The behemoth descended and revealed itself--or rather, herself, to be none other than a black dragon like Malynxion. Upon landing, light encircled the female dragon as arcane symbols orbited distinct parts of her body in a systematic fashion. (I still have a problem with that line, too wordy. And this is a book you're writing, not a manga script.) Seconds later, the giant re-materialized into a humanoid form, with elven ears and pale skin just like her male counterpart, as well as a height that stood only three inches shorter.
On cliches. Villages have been done to death. I read about that and I go, "oh, so it's burning. Who cares?" And scratch the prologue. Dive into the story.



Milo
I suggest browsing the fantasy bookshelves of the biggest bookstore you can find. Read the blurbs, not the whole book! Lol.
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Last edited by MiloDaePesdan : 08-03-2007 at 10:50 PM.
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Old 08-03-2007, 11:16 PM   #7
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Edited. Thanks. I'm gonna leave the character descriptions there, but I will shorten them.

As for the villages thing, I'd rather burn some worthless village than an important city this early in the story.

Will get to work on chapter one. Thanks!

BTW: love your Orphans of the Sun story.
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Old 08-03-2007, 11:18 PM   #8
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Sorry I can't give you a grammatical critique, but these are personal impressions I had when reading your story (stress on 'personal', I hope they help.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CSX View Post
Malynxion had spent the last few hours atop a mountain side cliff staring at the human farm village of Surofor. Within this village stood randomly placed, indistinct wooden buildings that stood not much taller than the humans themselves. On the far east side of the village, he saw a flat plain that he assumed was a farm, seeing as how it was lined with systematic rows of crops. On the far west, he noted a tall well embellished structure that appeared to be a church or temple of some sort. He could only assume that’s what it was, since he saw little use for such an ornate building other than to pray to whatever false gods they indulged themselves in. Then again, few understood how humans thought.

This opening line works for me.This sentence is confusing, maybe you should revise it.Sorry, I skimmed over most of this paragraph

He focused his eyes into the dusty streets within the village. He observed farmers milking cows, blacksmiths forging crude weapons, militia aimlessly patrolling the streets and occasionally breaking up fights, peasants of all ages participating in various activities of civil life, all in a dusty, polluted town which at first sight seemed to be colored by nothing more than three shades of dull brown.

I like this description.

He shook his head in thinly veiled disgust. This was the humans’ idea of civilization? This primitive cesspool that belied everything nature’s beauty cherished? Granted, this was a mere peasant village, but if this was any example of human progress, then the humans would’ve done the world a favor by ceasing to exist. If anything, he felt they were actually better off as they had always been before: as slaves.

Forgive me for my ignorance but, what?

Insisting that he didn’t need to punish himself by watching such a pitiful existence, he took his eyes off the village and stared into the afternoon sky, and thanked the crystals that the humans have yet to taint the sky’s natural blue beauty. It was then that he sensed an unfamiliar presence lurking in the woods behind him. Fearing, however unlikely, that a troupe of human militia had somehow discovered him, he turned around and faced the general direction his instincts insisted the intruders hid. His sharp eyes scanned the surrounding area in a manner not unlike his scrutinizing the village behind him. To his slight frustration, he saw nothing.

I though it was afternoon, shouldn't the sky be reddish?I had to read this twice before understanding, perhaps a slightly different wording would help.

He shrugged moments later, seeing that his dire search was for naught since the intruder ended up revealing itself anyway. The creature was a tall, furry, and untamed grizzly bear, or at least that’s what the humans thought of it. It stood much taller and sported a brawnier build than he did and wore claws that, at first glance, looked like they would rip him – or any fleshly being for that matter – into shreds. The grizzly drooled hungrily and trudged its way toward its target, as if it had found the meal it had spent hours – no, days – looking for. Indeed, the grizzly would’ve ripped Malynxion apart...

Make up your mind.

If of course he was a mere human like the feral beast assumed he was.

Why is this another sentence?

Malynxion removed the hood shadowing his face and revealed a pale, handsome and austere face accompanied by sharp, black hair with bangs that covered one side of his face and long, pointy ears resembling those of elven ones. Upon revelation, the feral grizzly stopped dead in its tracks. Whatever ferocity the creature exhibited previously was immediately replaced with fear and, to the discerning eye, a slight hint of reverence.

Once again, forgive my ignorance but, what?

The creature knelt before the elven figure and roared archaic grunts, as if trying to communicate something – a plea. Malynxion, the worldy being he was, acknowledged the fallen grizzly, though he had yet to decipher the grizzly’s primitive tongue.

“Hail, mighty black dragon! Show this miserable one the slightest light of mercy!” the furry giant suddenly spoke in heavily accented, Known language.

Known language was the universal standard language. It was created by the dragons, who named it because it was the first true language any species in recorded history had ever spoken, and was accepted and spoken all over the world much like gold was accepted as the universal currency.

Malynxion couldn’t help but smile at the grizzly’s admirably earnest, albeit rather pitiful, plea for forgiveness.

“You and your tribe have my blessings, young Furglen. I might’ve gone far enough to aid you in your hunt for nourishment, but little can disguise my foul mood. Begone, for it would be wise that you not incur my wrath this day.” The dragon replied in his naturally deep and overwhelming voice.

With no further word, the grizzly ran off.

Moments later, a massive, translucent figure soared over the sky above the dragon mage. Despite its size, it did not make even the slightest sound in its approach, and its transparency would have rendered it invisible to any eye other than Malynxion’s. The behemoth descended and landed with a grace that belied its size. The giant revealed itself, or rather, herself, to be none other than a black dragon like Malynxion. Upon landing, circles of neon glowing lights circumscribed the female dragon as unnatural, arcane symbols orbited distinct parts of her body in a systematic fashion. Seconds later, the giant re-materialized into a smaller, humanoid form, with elven ears and pale skin just like her male counterpart, as well as a height that stood only three inches shorter.

Flowing onto her shoulders and off the upper part of her back was fiery red hair tied in an elegant, royal fashion. Her eyes were tinted of maroon. The woman’s gown was embroidered with arcane symbols and various jewels that, at first glance, may have been thought to have taken centuries to craft. She wore golden rings and bracelets of various fashions on her extremities. Although Malynxion was no slob in appearance, she clearly cared more for appearance than he did, and cared for it with a beauty and elegance like no other. To any lesser race, she may as well have credibly called herself a goddess.

“You know how distasteful I find it when you strike fear into the hearts of innocent creatures like the Furglens, Malynxion,” the red-haired dragon stated in a furious tone.

Her male counterpart, however, did not reply, and instead continued staring at the human village.

“My love?” her voice softened, “What is it that troubles you so?”

She walked up to where Malynxion stood and realized what caused her lover such anguish.

“Ah, a human settlement,” she softly remarked.

“You must have noticed it on your flight here, Nelraina.”

“I might have, if my eyes were not so fixated on you,” she smiled in a flirtatious manner.

He struggled to smile back, to retort a witty charm of his own, but failed miserably, lost in his thoughts about the humans.

“These humans,” he started as if he was about to cry in frustration, “they strip us of our land, our flight, our rightful place in this world, only to end up creating this, these… things! These primitive dwellings they call towns! This is what they do with our land? Poison it with their amateur understanding of physics and magic? I had always thought that since they overthrew our rule they had surpassed us as a species, but..."

Try as he did, he couldn’t find the right words to describe his disgust. Upon closer inspection of the village, his beloved wore a similar expression.

“I can hear nature’s cries! Her anguish at the human’s defiling of her body! This time of year should have plenty game for all creatures of all dwellings to hunt! But I see none! No rabbits leaping in the forest grass, few birds flying in search of food, the forest colored with only indistinct shades of dull brown. If the Furglen’s dying hunger was any indication, the land is losing its life because of their reckless abuse of nature!” Malynxion threatened to bellow his anguish into the skies.

“My love,” she wrapped herself around his right arm, hoping to use her seductive warmth to alleviate his agony. “What has become of the world has become of the world. Our loss, our failure, they’re in the past now.”

“Does this look like the past to you?” he pointed at the village.

“But we might as well call it our past. You know that ever since the crystal’s powers disappeared, we’ve lost our vigor, our power, our hold over the land. The rest of the dragons are lost in a state of lethargy. The humans have grown to the point where we no longer have the strength to overtake them and reclaim the land that was once thrived under our dominion. Reality is harsh, but we must move on. The Age of the Dragons is gone.” She stated bitterly.

“No. It is not.”

“Yes it is!” She shouted, feeling an uncharacteristic pessimism her own, “Unless you have some kind of miraculous plan to—“ she interrupted herself upon seeing something she had not seen in a long time: Malynxion’s sinister grin.

She smiled. “Ah, you do have a plan, don’t you Malynxion?”

His agony all but gone, Malynxion finally turned to stare at his beloved mate. He then turned back in the direction of the human village and raised left hand into the sky. He muttered words of power, and soon after, much to the noted surprise of the villagers, a massive, pitch black cloud materialized over the village and replaced the sky. He let out an unheard sigh, signaling his spell’s ignition. Shards of flame rained down from the cloud’s epicenter and within moments, explosions and screams of agony were all that was heard in the surrounding area. Crude, wooden buildings were set ablaze instantly as peasants struggled to tame the flames latched on their own clothing. The flames seemed to have a mind of their own, as they purposefully jumped from building to building as if intentionally causing destruction. Whatever the raining shards of death touched, seemed to explode, and the panicking humans were no exception. Some peasants and officers exploded with blood and entrails flying in every conceivable direction, while others simply had their bodies burned and melted until only bone and cartilage, and sometimes not even that much, was left.

[COLOR="rgb(153, 50, 204)"]I skimmed through this, sorry.[/color]

Chaos and destruction were two words that easily came to mind when Nelreina tried to describe the squalid scene.

“I’m sorry if this does not bode well with you, my love,” Malynxion remorsefully stated, “I know you do not appreciate the genocide of innocent lives.” he was referring to the women and children of the village.

At that comment, Nelraina snapped and slapped her lover cold in the face. As blood dripped out of Malynxion’s lips, his expression changed from a surprised frown to a loving smile.

“You insult me to even think that I would sympathize with these humans! They are to me what pigs and cows and other livestock are to them! Remember Malynxion, and don’t you ever forget! They were our slaves back in the Age of the Dragons, and I still view them as nothing more!”

Despite her ferocity in battle, Nelraina was always, at heart, a kind, motherly being that cared for and helped to nurture younglings of all species; humans being the grand exception.

She pouted and turned away from her lover, but Malynxion walked behind her and lovingly wrapped his arms around her. He kissed her on the cheek, which caused her to flush slightly and seemed to alleviate her anger at his previous affront.

“Even if I tried, I could love no one else as much as you,” he whispered into her ear. He motioned her to stare at the carnage of the village.

“I have a plan,” he whispered, “one that will revive our failing flight and allow us the power we need to retake the world that was once ours and enslave the humans like the dogs they rightfully are.”

“The only thing in this world that can grant us such power is the infinite crystal, the Magis Crystallis…”

“Yes. Its power is our birthright, and you know as well as I do that we have been stripped from it for far too long.”

“You realize how difficult this quest will be, Malynxion?”

“Very.”

“How perilous?”

“Incredibly.”

“How likely the humans, maybe even the detached elves, will do everything in their power to stop us?”

“They could send armies for all I care.”

“In the face of all this, you're still going to do this?”

“Yes,” Malynxion paused, “I will do this one way or another, with or without help. For our children, our fellow dragons, I will prevail, even at the cost of my life.”

“No,” Nelraina retorted, “I would sooner be enslaved by humans than watch you perish alone!”

“Nelraina…” he was stunned by the notion.

“You are wrong, Malynxion. We will do this one way or another, with or without help. For our children, our fellow dragons, we shall prevail, even at the cost of our lives. I will be there with you, against whatever peril, whatever enemy, whatever odds…”

“I take it that means you will join me, my love?”

She paused for a moment, and then wore the most sinister smile Malynxion had ever seen. “Only if we can slaughter the humans in the process.”

During their resolved love statements toward each other, the world around them, including the forests, had been set ablaze. Fire surrounded them, but didn’t dare to touch them. Sparks of fire and ashes flew in the wind around them. One of Nelraina’s hair bands fell lose, and causing her hair to flutter freely in the fiery winds.

Malynxion stood in front of his lover, embraced her, and kissed her.

“Malynxion.”

“To you, my love.”

“No. To us. To our children. To our fellow dragons, our flight. And, by the crystal’s blessing, to the new Age of the Dragons!”
[/center]
At the end I just skimmed right through it, I'm sorry. it was very well written but some descriptions are just too much, too exagerated and unnecessary. If you could cut some of those down and tighten I think it would read a bit better.

But this are just my personal impressions, I hope they help. Good luck~

EDIT: I forgot to mention that the overall story is something I would definetly pick from a bookstore. With this prologue you've established a bit of sympathy for the "antagonists", I think ti would be interesting if you focused on them as well as the protagonists.

What I see here is not a story about good vs. evil, it's more like good vs. good, and that alone is a very engaging premise in my opinion.

I really hope you can write it as best as you can. Good Luck and Best Wishes~
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Old 08-04-2007, 07:16 PM   #9
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I liked it. Of course, it isn't original, but nothing is original anymre. We writers just put new spins on things. This can be something great if you really put your heart into it.
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Old 08-04-2007, 09:19 PM   #10
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Forgive me if I sound as if I'm being incredibly picky here ... I like the idea, but there were a few things that don't sit right with me.

The idea of dragons changing to look like glorified elves seemed odd. Why would they want to look more human if they dispise them? Nor did I like the amount of power they have. Set an entire village on fire? Blasé about facing armies alone? What the ...? How can they be a dying race?
And what is this about restoring their 'flight'? If it's a specific power (and a confusing name for one) they need, and from what I've seen of their power without it, they don't appear to need it that badly.
It might fit together more if they had obvious limits, but I see none and find the story would be a pretty one-way thing which gives the feeling that I already know the ending ... Dragons, one million : Humans, zero

Speaking of feeling, who's supposed to get the sympathy here? Humans or Dragons? Cause I feel nothing for either side.
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Old 08-05-2007, 04:11 AM   #11
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Thanks Storm Eagle!

And assassin, allow me to clarify.

The dragons don't really want to look human, they just want to maintain a humanoid form because dragons in their true form are HUGE and are likely to attract attention. The humanoid form allows them to blend in with human society while at the same time possessing a form fit for combat. In this story's setting, you'll find that elves are commonly accepted among humans, so assuming the shape of an elf allows them to blend in at the same time not be human.

As you read through the story, you'll find that these two are among the strongest of the remaining dragons. I can assure you that the strength displayed is usually limited only to these two, and the main characters will find ways to circumvent their extraordinary power.

When I say 'flight', I mean the overall dragon population. Sorry about the vagueness. And like I said, these two are among the few dragons left that still have significant power. The others are kind of... bleh...

You can choose whichever one to sympathize with. You're the reader.

Hope this helps clarify. All of this will be explained throughout the story, I'm just having hard time writing it without making it feel like info dumping. >_<
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Old 08-05-2007, 04:27 AM   #12
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Try writing as much as you can, then leave the chapter or chapters alone for a few days, bring it back again and read it aloud to yourself, that can help when you want to edit.
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Old 08-05-2007, 07:48 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CSX
The dragons don't really want to look human, they just want to maintain a humanoid form because dragons in their true form are HUGE and are likely to attract attention. The humanoid form allows them to blend in with human society while at the same time possessing a form fit for combat. In this story's setting, you'll find that elves are commonly accepted among humans, so assuming the shape of an elf allows them to blend in at the same time not be human.
But humans used to be their slaves, so surely they'd find some distaste in looking anything like those they were masters of. Also, wouldn't they be resentful to the fact that they have to blend in?

Quote:
Originally Posted by CSX
As you read through the story, you'll find that these two are among the strongest of the remaining dragons. I can assure you that the strength displayed is usually limited only to these two, and the main characters will find ways to circumvent their extraordinary power.
As long as those ways can be believed.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CSX
When I say 'flight', I mean the overall dragon population. Sorry about the vagueness. And like I said, these two are among the few dragons left that still have significant power. The others are kind of... bleh...
If that's what you mean, then don't say 'flight'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CSX
You can choose whichever one to sympathize with. You're the reader.
... Call me crazy, I believe that a writer should try to make the reader feel more for one side than the other, even if only slightly.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CSX
Hope this helps clarify. All of this will be explained throughout the story, I'm just having hard time writing it without making it feel like info dumping. >_<
Info dump now, edit it out later.

New question, if the dragons have a love for nature, why are they letting the forest burn?
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Old 08-06-2007, 03:04 AM   #14
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I was a little skeptical about this, my first thought was that this would be an extremely cliched story about dragons. Though the idea really isn't too original, you did a pretty job of keeping me reading. You should proofread it to correct some of the minor spelling/grammar mistakes, but the writing was pretty smooth.

I would change the title though. The title is what made me almost not read it. Titles are the first thing a person sees(assuming there is no book cover like on these forums) so that is where your job as a writer begins. But since this is a forum where you post your work to get help, I know often there are no titles or not very good ones. Just saying, now that you've got a lot done on this, consider revising your title.

Otherwise, good job.
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Old 08-26-2007, 01:26 PM   #15
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Man... Talk about a bad time to start a story. So horribly busy these last three weeks: shopping around for a home theater system, attending regional tournaments, SAT prep classes, school just around the corner... I literally forgot about this story until I happened upon a Borders in the mall...

I skimmed through a lot of the fantasy books like Milo suggested, and I've found you guys weren't exaggerating. The whole dragons thing has been done to DEATH. I seriously lost any motivation to continue the story. T_T

I came in with such high hopes of writing a cool story only to be shot down by what was supposed to be my learning material...

I'm curious, do you guys think this is worth continuing? Do you think I can gain anything from working on something that is hard to call my own?
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