The Recruit- Part of Chapter 3 - Writers Forum

blackthorn · 08-01-2007, 04:08 PM

Here's chapter 3 of my story, "The Recruit". Sorry it took so long, but I had some other stuff going on that kept me away. Won't happen again! Please posts your thoughts and opinions, and enjoy. Thanks!
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Johnny's female guide walked up and, even though it appeared quite heavy, pushed the doors open with ease. Inside was a bustling office space full of desks, talking and business. It appeared as any other office would. Large, wooden desks lined the left and right side of the room. There were three floors to the office, a stone staircase lined the left wall. All around him, andgels hustled and bustled, writing out forms and talking on phones, as well as other things.

An anel sitting at a desk noticed the two of them enter and walked over. "Hey, Serenity! This the guy?"

Serenity smiled and approached him. "Hi, Joel. Yeah, this is him." She then turned to John. This guy will take you to Rod. I have to go now." Nodding toward the both of them as a sign of farewell, she left and took the stairs up to another floor.

That left John with Joel. Joel was black, with low cut hair, and big broad shoulders. He was a little on the tall side, about six feet, and very fit. He was wearing the same garb as the other, a white tunic with white pants and brown sandals. The only difference was that his tunic had blue trim to it. As John looked around all of the angels had a different trim to their tunics. I guess that's something that's going to be explained to me too, John thought.

"Hey," Joel said, shaking John's hand tightly. Maybe it didn't seem so hard to him. "I'm Joel. I've been asked to show you around a little bit by Rod before showing you to his office. Follow me." Joel turned around and started walking, John following not too far behind him.

"This is the office where we all work," Joel shouted to John. The noise level seemed to bet louder and louder with every step he took. "We like to call it 'The Perch'. It's almost always busy, but we get used to it somehow." They walked past a few desks were John saw a few angels with yellow trimmed robes typing on computers shouting into telephones and taking down notes.

"So, can YOU tell me why I'm here?" John asked, half-expecting the same answer he had gotten the other times.

"Sorry," Joel said as they began to climb up the staircase, "I'm not authorized, but everything will-"

"-be explained to me later, I know," John finished, frustrated. He was tired of being led around. He wanted answers!

As they made their way to the third floor, there was a notable change. It was significantly darker and much larger. Desks were lined up in rows, but they were divided by large glass dividers. Angels were still crammed behind the desks, bet their robes were trimmed with green instead of yellow. The desks were facing a large monitor displaying hundreds of faces on the far left side of the screen, with names displayed next to them. The rest of the monitor displayed an enormous wourd map. Lines from the pictures to the map could be seen as John and Joel made their way across the dank room and to a large marble door. The door had a black sign that displayed a name in big bold letters:

Rod
Head-A.O.D Sec. A

Joel turned to face John. "This is it!" He said, stepping aside so that John could approach the door. "Rod is in there. Go ahead in." Finally, I can get some answers, John thought. He slowly stepped to the door, turned the knob and walked in.

It was a very big office. Bookshelves lined with ancient books, scrolls and other important papers lined every nook and cranny of the shelves. A large desk was placed in the exact center of the room, piled with even more books and large stacks of paperwork and a dusty but working computer. Two phones were on either side of the desk, one black and normal-looking, the other pure white and ancient. Sitting behind the desk was a fairly old angel with short, white hair and a neatly trimmed goatee . His intelligent yet bold face and stature was both welcoming and intimidating at the same time. He was wearing small reading glasses and peering intensely at a piece of paper, his ocean blue eyes moving back and forth across the page. As John entered, Rod's eye's pulled from the page and towards the door, and as he saw John, he smiled and pulled off his glasses.

"Ah, John!" Rod said in a low, slightly raspy tone. "Come in, come in!" As John stepped in, the door behind him automatically shut, and a small leather chair what was stationed in another corner of the room lifted off of the ground and quietly hovered towards the desk, and landed just as easily. John was startled by all of this, but slowly moved toward the chair. Before he could do so however, Rod had leaped up from his spot behind the desk and vigorously shook John's hand. "Welcome, welcom!" he said. "As you have probably guessed, I'm Rod." He finally released his deathgrip on John's hand and began to work his way back to his desk. "You want something to drink? Water? Wine?"

"Um....No thanks," John said. He did not want a drink, he wanted answers! "I just want to know what's going on. What am I doing here?"

Rod could sense the tension and ernest in John's voice, and his facial expression reflected this, becoming more serious. "Ah yes....why are you here? Well," Rod began, as he poured a glass of wine and readjusted himself in his chair. "Here's the thing. And since you're a smart kid and obviously very annoyed by this whole situation, I'm just going to cut to the chase. You're position in the afterlife, Johnny, is a hard nut to crack! That is to say, it's very difficult to judge wheter or not you should stay here in Heaven or go to Hell for your sins."

raven hope · 08-02-2007, 08:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by blackthorn

Here's chapter 3 of my story, "The Recruit". Sorry it took so long, but I had some other stuff going on that kept me away. Won't happen again! Please posts your thoughts and opinions, and enjoy. Thanks!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Johnny's female guide walked up and, even though it appeared quite heavy, pushed the doors open with ease. Inside was a bustling office space full of desks, talking and business. It appeared as any other office would. Large, wooden desks lined the left and right side of the room. There were three floors to the office, a stone staircase lined the left wall. All around him, andgels hustled and bustled, writing out forms and talking on phones, as well as other things.

Re-phrase it. And please describe the office properly. Otherwise you are confusing the readers with your poor phrasing.

An anel angel sitting at a desk noticed the two of them enter and walked over. "Hey, Serenity! This is the guy?"

Serenity smiled and approached him. "Hi, Joel. Yeah, this is him." She then turned to John. "This guy will take you to Rod. I have to go now." Nodding toward the both of them as a sign of farewell, she left and took the stairs up to another floor.

"Yeah, Joel. It's him."

That left John with Joel. Joel was black, with low cut hair, and big broad shoulders. He was a little on the tall side, about six feet, and very fit. He was wearing the same garb as the other, a white tunic with white pants and brown sandals. The only difference was that his tunic had blue trim to it. As John looked around all of the angels had a different trim to their tunics. I guess that's something that's going to be explained to me too, John thought.

"Hey," Joel said, shaking John's hand tightly. Maybe it didn't seem so hard to him. "I'm Joel. I've been asked to show you around a little bit by Rod before showing you to his office. Follow me." Joel turned around and started walking, John following not too far behind him.

"This is the office where we all work," Joel shouted to John. The noise level seemed to bet louder and louder with every step he took. "We like to call it 'The Perch'. It's almost always busy, but we get used to it somehow." They walked past a few desks were John saw a few angels with yellow trimmed robes typing on computers shouting into telephones and taking down notes.

"So, can YOU tell me why I'm here?" John asked, half-expecting the same answer he had gotten the other times.

"Sorry," Joel said as they began to climb up the staircase, "I'm not authorized, but everything will-"

"-be explained to me later, I know, !" John finished, frustrated. He was tired of being led around. He wanted answers!

As they made their way to the third floor, there was a notable change. It was significantly darker and much larger. Desks were lined up in rows, but they were divided by large glass dividers. Angels were still crammed behind the desks, bet their robes were trimmed with green instead of yellow. The desks were facing a large monitor displaying hundreds of faces on the far left side of the screen, with names displayed next to them. The rest of the monitor displayed an enormous wourd world map. Lines from the pictures to the map could be seen as John and Joel made their way across the dank room and to a large marble door. The door had a black sign that displayed a name in big bold letters:

Rod
Head-A.O.D Sec. A

Joel turned to face John. "This is it!" He said, stepping aside so that John could approach the door. "Rod is in there. Go ahead in." Finally, I can get some answers, John thought. He slowly stepped to the door, turned the knob and walked in.

It was a very big office. Bookshelves lined with ancient books, scrolls and other important papers lined every nook and cranny of the shelves. A large desk was placed in the exact center of the room, piled with even more books and large stacks of paperwork and a dusty but working computer. Two phones were on either side of the desk, one black and normal-looking, the other pure white and ancient. Sitting behind the desk was a fairly old angel with short, white hair and a neatly trimmed goatee. His intelligent yet bold face and stature was both welcoming and intimidating at the same time. He was wearing small reading glasses and peering intensely at a piece of paper, his ocean blue eyes moving back and forth across the page. As John entered, Rod's eye's pulled from the page and towards the door, and as he saw John, he smiled and pulled off his glasses.

"Ah, John!" Rod said in a low, slightly raspy tone. "Come in, come in!" As John stepped in, the door behind him automatically shut, and a small leather chair what was stationed in another corner of the room lifted off of the ground and quietly hovered towards the desk, and landed just as easily. John was startled by all of this, but slowly moved toward the chair. Before he could do so however, Rod had leaped up from his spot behind the desk and vigorously shook John's hand. "Welcome, welcom welcome!" he said. "As you have probably guessed, I'm Rod." He finally released his deathgrip on John's hand and began to work his way back to his desk. "You want something to drink? Water? Wine?"

"Um....No thanks," John said. He did not want a drink, he wanted answers! "I just want to know what's going on. What am I doing here?"

Rod could sense the tension and ernest in John's voice, and his facial expression reflected this, becoming more serious. "Ah yes....why are you here? Well," Rod began, as he poured a glass of wine and readjusted himself in his chair. "Here's the thing. And since you're a smart kid and obviously very annoyed by this whole situation, I'm just going to cut to the chase. You're position in the afterlife, Johnny, is a hard nut to crack! That is to say, it's very difficult to judge wheter or not you should stay here in Heaven or go to Hell for your sins."

The latest installment is as funny as ever! But you do have some little problems:-

1) I can see that you've put in more effort to make your dialogue more engaging, but I know you can do better than this. There's still room for improvement, but I'm quite happy for what you've achieved so far.

2) You repeated the word "trim" too often. Replace it with another synonym.

3) The description of each different scene is too wordy. Please try to join them orderly so that there's more flow in the story. If not, it's very hard for readers to understand. I had to re-read some of the lines twice in order to get what you mean. All I can say is, work on your phrasing.

And actually, this can be joined with the second chapter - I don't see the reason why you have to split it to chapter 3. Just to let you know, your first paragraph will confuse others if they haven't read chapter 2. But it's just a suggestion.

Can't wait for your next chapter!

blackthorn · 08-02-2007, 10:48 PM

Hey, thanks for the criticism, I really appreciate it!

I actually don't have the story seperated into chapters. I just add that whenever I'm posting it so people will know how old or new the post is.

I'm not very sure what you mean by the phrasing is wrong....Please explain this so I can re-edit this. I'll try to repost an edited version later.

Sorry about the typos! I just got a new keyboard, so my fingers are still getting used to the placement of the keys!

I'm sorry if my descriptions seem a little wordy, I'm just trying to stress how elegant and beautiful Heaven is. I think the reason why I do this is because I read other stories and the readers take you to different places and I can't really visualize it that well. So in my story, I try to thoroughly describe the places I take my readers, so they won't get confused or anything. Guessed THAT backfired, huh?

What do you mean I repeated the word "Trim"? Where did I say that?

raven hope · 08-02-2007, 11:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by blackthorn

Hey, thanks for the criticism, I really appreciate it!

I actually don't have the story seperated into chapters. I just add that whenever I'm posting it so people will know how old or new the post is.

I'm not very sure what you mean by the phrasing is wrong....Please explain this so I can re-edit this. I'll try to repost an edited version later.

Sorry about the typos! I just got a new keyboard, so my fingers are still getting used to the placement of the keys!

I'm sorry if my descriptions seem a little wordy, I'm just trying to stress how elegant and beautiful Heaven is. I think the reason why I do this is because I read other stories and the readers take you to different places and I can't really visualize it that well. So in my story, I try to thoroughly describe the places I take my readers, so they won't get confused or anything. Guessed THAT backfired, huh?

What do you mean I repeated the word "Trim"? Where did I say that?

I see. But like I said, it's just a suggestion.

Well, I don't blame you for your typo errors...I just correct them along the way.

I understand that you want to bring out the elegance of Heaven, but I think you overdid some. You don't have to thoroughly describe them...just enough for the readers to be able to visualize them is enough. Descriptions which are too long might make others lost interest to continue and may drag the story.

Quote:

Johnny's female guide walked up and, even though it appeared quite heavy, pushed the doors open with ease. Inside was a bustling office space full of desks, talking and business. It appeared as any other office would. Large, wooden desks lined the left and right side of the room. There were three floors to the office, a stone staircase lined the left wall. All around him, andgels angels hustled and bustled, writing out forms and talking on phones, as well as other things.

Re-phrase it. And please describe the office properly. Otherwise you are confusing the readers with your poor phrasing.

I suggest: Inside was a bustling office with large wooden desks lined the left and right side of the room, just like any other office would. You should remove "talking and business" as it's out of place and you said about the angels talking on phones and etc. in the later part. Thsi is what I mean, got it?

You did repeat the word "trim" occasionally every few paragraphs. But if you can't find other words to replace it, then you just leave it as it is. You don't have to take all my criticisms - just pick out those you think that will help you. You are the author of this story - you understand and know it better than anyone else.

blackthorn · 08-03-2007, 09:26 AM

OH YEAH! TRIM! The trim of the angel's uniforms! I remember that now! Yeah, sorry about that, I'll find another word for it....

Keep an eye out for a revised copy!