Prologue? - Writers Forum

Shinn · 07-31-2007, 01:17 AM

Hi guys. This is the prologue of my WW2 fiction novel, "All American Boy", that follows Private James "Jimmy" O'Keefe of the 82nd Airborne Division as he fights his way through the horrors of D-Day, and Operation Market Garden. The prologue is his "last letter" to his family, only to be read in case he dies in battle. Hope to get some good feedback with this...

Dear Dad,

If you receive this letter, I am dead. Before I go on, I'd like to get a few things off of my chest. Dad, I know I was not your best liked son, and I'd like to say I am sorry for putting you and mum through hell. But somehow, when I told you I was going to enlist in the airborne, you forgave me. I will always remember it and keep that memory with me. Second, I know I gave Katie grief with my old pranks, and I want you to tell her I am deeply sorry for doing so. Lastly, I will need you to tell mum that she has done a good job of raising me and Marty as best she could. Her and Anna will be the only women I truly will forever love.

Now, onto deciding what will happen to my possessions. First, I want you to go and give my rifle to Paul. He's been a good kid brother to me. I hope he will be a good shot, just like I was when you taught me. Second, give any money that I may still have to Anna, so she can use it wisely, as she would do. Thirdly, my photos of me I wish for you to have, as you will always have a lasting memory of your "bad" son, and how much of a good paratrooper he turned out to be.

Take care, Dad.

Your loving son and caring brother,

Private Jimmy O'Keefe,
82nd Airborne Division

Hexx · 07-31-2007, 02:51 AM

I thought it was neat. It really gets you grasped into what this story is, you don't have to wonder. It also had a sense of being real, like it was someone out in a war. Good job, Shinn.

Shinn · 07-31-2007, 02:54 AM

Hi Hexx.

Thank you for your contribution. I thought I could have added more, or does need to remain unchanged?

Eliana · 07-31-2007, 02:56 AM

Great Work Shinn, it does show that it has potential, and amazingly i want to read more, its the same with RB's work.
Keep up the good work, mate. (signature Aussie name).

It still needs a tad bit more though, something to make it a little bit more meaningful.

Shinn · 07-31-2007, 03:31 AM

Hi Eliana.

Thank you for your input as well. Here is the revised version of the prologue -

Dear Dad,

If you've received this letter, I am dead. Before I go on, I'd like to get a few things off of my chest. Dad, I know I was not your favourite son, and I will take the time now to say that I am sorry for putting you and mum through hell. But somehow, when I told you I enlisted in the airborne division, you'd forgiven me. I will keep this memory with me forever. Katie, I know I was a
prankster back in the day, especially when I put that frog in your lunchbox one morning before school. I remember Marty giving me hell for doing it to you. Now, I hope you will forgive me of my sin as I am about to fight or die in a foreign country, against a battle-hardened and ever ready enemy.

Mum, I have many tales to tell you of how I was such a pain for you back in my childhood. The first thing that comes to mind is Thanksgiving Day 1939, when Marty and I were playing tag in the dining room. I'd knocked the table and made your precious vase smash into a thousand pieces. I'm sorry for it and I hope you will forgive me for doing so. The other one that comes to my
mind is when I was using my rifle, and I took your bone china, and used the cups and plates for target practice. I destroyed every single one, and you'll
probably remember grounding me for the month, including my birthday.

Now, onto deciding what shall happen to my possessions. Paul, I want you to
have my rifle. You're a good kid, and maybe, when I get home, I'll take you out rabbit shooting, like dad did with me and Marty. Katie, I want you to get
my records and record player. I hope you'll have as much fun with them as I did when I was your age, listening and playing along with my guitar. Mum,
I want you to keep the photo of me and Marty taken in England, before our
first practice jump, as so remind you of what a good little paratrooper you raised. And finally, Dad, I want you, if they get to you back stateside, my dogtags, so you can know that I fought and died for the people I love.

And dad, in the case of my death on the battlefield, I want Anna to be the
first to know of my passing. She was my world, and was the one who you
said would make me a man than any other woman you knew. She would
have made a fine wife, and we might have raised a family on the farm.
Well, it is now in the past, and so are your many memories of your son.

Well, take care all of you,

Your loving son and caring brother,

Private James Leonard O'Keefe,
82nd Airborne Division

Mystery · 07-31-2007, 10:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Filetofbaby

No soldier at this time is going to admit that they're going to die, or that the enemy is better prepared and harder. It's not even really a pride thing, they just keep that to themselves. Also, soldiers understand that people back home really don't wanna hear about how you had to pick your friends molars out of your thigh with a bayonet, they wanna hear adventerous stories about fist-fighting Chinese pirates on the Yangtse river. So if at any point you write another one of these letters home, try and make it sound like he's humoring his family with adventure stories, and not telling them the real horrors.

I'm only going to disagree with this, since it's a sweeping generalization. A lot of soldiers did go into battle knowing the enemy was stronger and knowing they were going to die(especially in the Russian military) but still did so for honor and country or whatever you want to call it.

If you cut out the arrogance and superiority complex I'd actually be able to respect you >.>

lin · 07-31-2007, 10:50 AM

Quote:

If you cut out the arrogance and superiority complex I'd actually be able to respect you

Me too? I SO crave respect.

blackthorn · 07-31-2007, 12:03 PM

I think it's a great story so far, Shinn! Is this all you have so far? I ask this because, for the moment, it doesn't seem as though the letter shows much purpose at all.

If or when you have more, please post more! It looks really interesting!

Shinn · 07-31-2007, 02:02 PM

Hi all!

Thanks for your input. I'll make the required changes and re-post it here soon.

Shinn · 07-31-2007, 04:46 PM

Okay, I've made the changes, and here it is. Hope you'll like it.

June 5, 1944

Dear Dad,

Just thought I would write, and tell you what I have been getting up to. Our base is a British airfield, and we go on practice jumps almost every day for training. Then, they take us in trucks to a field a few miles from base, and we have to make our way back there, using our instincts. I have seen quite a lot of Marty, since he has been mentoring the younger kids in the 82nd. It is a joy to be in a new country, learning their way of life. Last night, it was the arrival party for us, arranged by the village. I am ashamed to say this, I hope you will not mind, but I got slightly drunk. It is Marty's fault. That is the problem of having the big brother, who was better at you in everything, except football, right Dad? Well, our commanding officer says something is
going to be happening tomorrow, but I cannot tell you what it is, because of
wartime security and all that. Hope you will understand what I am saying.

Now, how are you and mom doing at home on the farm? How is Paul going?
I hope he will be glad to get this letter from his brother. Now, how is Katie
going with school? You told me last time she had been getting good grades,
and I hope she keeps working hard, and achieves her goals in life. Now, is
mom doing okay? In your last correspondence, you said she was missing us
terribly. If you see her, tell her I wish I was back home, but I have my duty to do for my country, and to do my best to stop the Germans. Well, I better be going to bed now. It is late and we are doing more jumps tomorrow.

Your son and big brother,

Private James Ryan O'Keefe,
82nd Airborne Division

lin · 07-31-2007, 08:32 PM

Nice talk! I prefer "slut", thank you very much.

raven hope · 08-01-2007, 04:24 AM

Actually, it doesn't sound like he's writing to his father. Stiff phrasing.

Quote:

Now, how are you and mom doing at home on the farm? How is Paul going?
I hope he will be glad to get this letter from his brother. Now, how is Katie
going with school?...Now, is mom doing okay?

Please re-phrase this short paragraph. It sounds pretty odd. I mean, the tone is pretty smooth and calm in the beginning, but you just spoiled it. It doesn't sound like a question. It sounds more like an order, a demand for an answer.

blackthorn · 08-01-2007, 08:34 AM

Yeah, as I was reading through the paragraph, it seems like you have way too many 'now's. Could you post a rewrite along with more of the story

Knocking · 08-03-2007, 03:00 PM

It is only addressed to his dad, but in the letter he talks to several people and signs it not only as a son, but also as a brother. You might want to make up your mind about who he wants to talk to. The second letter you posted says he's dead, but them he promises to go rabbit shooting when he gets home. I'll critique the last one, since it's the most recent...

Just thought I would write, and tell you what I have been getting(omit, doesn't make much sense) up to. Our base is a British airfield, and we go on practice jumps almost every day for training. Then, they take us in trucks to a field a few miles from base, and we have to make our way back there, using our instincts(What instincts?). I have seen quite a lot of Marty, since he has been mentoring the younger kids in the 82nd. It is a joy to be in a new country, learning their way of life. Last night, it was the arrival party for us, arranged by the village. I am ashamed to say this, I hope you will not mind, but I got slightly drunk. It is Marty's fault. That is the problem of having the big brother, who was better at you in everything, except football, right Dad?(I don't understand this. Why is it his brother's fault?) Well, our commanding officer says something is
going to be happening tomorrow, but I cannot tell you what it is, because of
wartime security and all that. Hope you will understand what I am saying.(Why, can't he read English?)

Now, how are you and mom doing at home on the farm? How is Paul going?
I hope he will be glad to get this letter from his brother(it wasn't addressed to him.). Now, how is Katie
going with school? You told me last time she had been getting good grades,
and I hope she keeps working hard, and achieves her goals in life(That seems very impersonal. Doesn't he know what her goals are?). Now, is
mom doing okay? In your last correspondence(..letter? I doubt a son would try to impress his father like that.), you said she was missing us
terribly. If you see her(Don't they live together?), tell her I wish I was back home, but I have my duty to do for my country, and to do my best to stop the Germans. Well, I better be going to bed now. It is late and we are doing more jumps tomorrow.

Not sure where you're going with the story, since it's just a letter, but good luck with it. I hope you post more. Keep writing!

Shinn · 08-03-2007, 06:46 PM

thanks for your help, Knocking.

For the story, the date is June 5, 1944, and he is writing the letter to his dad before "D-Day". The story continues during the morning after, and he reflects on what he's said to his father. The first chapter will end before Jimmy jumps out of the C-47 over France.