Hypergraphian

Just started writing so do take my comments with a heavy pinch of salt if you need to.

I read through the initial versions down to the last revision and I felt as if something was missing. I reread it again and discovered that there was no sense of burden or weight. This person is at war and yet he writes as if he's sitting at his desk in a comfortable dormatory. Where are his muddy comrades, his dark surroundings and his inability to write neatly due to poor lighting? No doubt he may not have wanted his family to know what his surrounding conditions were like but I felt that a bit more detail to his feelings would make it more compelling.

Such as this "Just thought I would write, and tell you what I have been getting up to."

How about this instead?"

Dear Dad,

Just returned to camp after receiving our assignments from the general. His stern manner reminded me of your tone and I found myself wanting to talk to you. So hear I am again with a pencil and a scraggly piece of paper that I hope will be enough to fit the exciting day we had.

Once again, the above is just me talking and like art, everyone's entitled to their own preferences.

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~~A Knife to Slice my Throat or A pen to Stab Others' Hearts~~ www.hypergraphian.blogspot.com

Shinn

Thank you for your input, Hypergraphian.

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~ Why am I...Why am I losing to someone like you? ~

Isir Ruaa

This story is pretty neat, a definite working progress. If you noticed, each time you re-write this entry, your experimenting with potential things that can go in the letter. I hope you can find a way to incorporate Jimmy's reflection as well as gain a very good idea of his relationship with his family back home.

Zorell

[Eliana] It still needs a tad bit more though, something to make it a little bit more meaningful.

I actually like the unpolished factor of the letter, it made it feel deper to me, like he was writing what came from his heart at that moment.

I really want to see the story attached to this!

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Life is lighter when you shed your leaves,
better when you nurture your branches,
and more fulfilled when you strengthen your roots.

RebelliousFantasyLover

it was quite a good part Shinn the letter made it feel really deep and meaningful

RFL

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Revenge is coming closer..... RUN