Rain - Writers Forum

Eragon_Fanatic · 07-28-2007, 11:08 PM

Rain
Chapter 1
Rain Begins
Jason slid down his banister,and ran into the kitchen.
"Your...Energetic this morning."His mom said as she handed him his sausage links
"Lifeguard tryouts are today"he said with sausage in his mouth
"Will you will be home for lunch?" she asked
"No mom,more like dinner me and the guys are going out to swim after." he said
"Where?"she asked
"I don't know yet mom, all James told me was to take the bike rack."
As he continued to scarf down his pancakes,his twelve old sister came in
"So going out with your geeky friends?"she said sarcastically
"Hey and least I have friends Girl-With-no-life."he said back
"Hey,knock it off you two!"their mother yelled
"Yes mom." they said in unison
"Well its been great but i have to get to the beach in twenty minutes,can I have the keys to the Mini Cooper mom?" he asked
"Well....."
"Please?"he begged
"Ok,be careful though" she warned
"I will,bye love you!" Jason said
"I hope theres food there im starving.."he said as he walked through the door
He put his mountain bike on the back of the Mini Cooper,and peeled off.
Jason got there in less than fifteen minutes,and its a twenty minute drive.
Jason pulled into the beach parking lot,he saw James yellow Mustang
in the parking lot with Eric and James on top of the hood so he pulled up next to them.
James the redhead is a little arogant and hotheaded,but he's not just talk,he'll back his talk with fists.
Eric on the other hand is the exact opossite of James,he's calm and relaxed.He's also a computer geek,he can hack into anything with his lab top,that he built himself.
"Jason,I see you drove the geek mobile?"James said
"James,I see you drove a piece of crap?" Jason said
"Hey Jason."Eric said
"Hey Eric."Jason said
"Alright guys put your bikes on the rack im gonna go down to the tryouts"Jason said
"OK,good luck." James said
"Thanks."Jason said
Jason ran down the beach to the tryouts,he looked around for several minutes for food,with no luck.
So he proceeded to the try out table,
"Name?" the man at the table said
"Jason Bourne"he said
"Alright then proceed to the shore"the man said

Jason walked down through the hot sand,towards the head lifeguard

Tell me what you think of my work in progress!
I know grammer is bad so don't point that out,
Im working on it

Krim · 07-28-2007, 11:12 PM

...Jason Bourne.

Eragon_Fanatic · 07-28-2007, 11:14 PM

Is jason the first name of the guy from the movies?
becuase I did not do that on purpose i just wanted a cool last name....

Emmett89 · 07-29-2007, 12:22 AM

Why are his friends there?
Why is he hungry despite the fact that he ate sausage links?
If he had to get there in 20 minutes, but arrived in 15, how did he have several minutes to look for food?
If he had several minutes why didn't he just take his time at home?

That said, the story hasn't really been developed at all, so it's kind of hard to gauge how good this is.

archer88iv · 07-29-2007, 11:09 AM

Yes, Jason Bourne is the character made famous by Robert Ludlum, Matt Damon, and the silver screen. I'd change it if I were you, because this kid is never gonna be Jason Bourne in the minds of your readers. Jason Bourne is a ruthless killer, not a lifeguard.

He's hungry either because he's a teenager or because he's some kind of mutant and needs massive amounts of food. There's not a really big difference between the two; I didn't really wonder about that point.

A lot of the dialog seemed empty. Kids bicker and call each other names (and their cars, too). Big whoop. Throw in something important.

Also, don't bother putting in specifics like "Mini Cooper" and "Mustang" unless it's actually important or you're getting paid for the product placement. It makes your work seem like a commercial and there's no point in looking like a sellout if you don't have the money.

A second note about cars: don't just say the name of the car and anticipate a certain reaction from your readers. Everyone has different feelings about different automobiles and their personal opinions are going to have a significant effect on how they read your piece. You don't want that. You want to be in control of their thoughts and emotions at all times.

The same advice applies to pretty much any product of that nature.

Instead of "Mini Cooper," perhaps, "foreign subcompact, good on gas mileage and lousy at impressing chicks," if that's what you're going for. Any way you slice it, what kid in a hurry is really going to take the time to say a four syllable phrase (Mini Cooper) when he could say a monosyllabic word (car)?

The basic point here is that when describing any prop that carries some sort of significance for the purposes of plot or characterization ("geek mobile" seems significant), take the time to give it the meaning you intend instead of letting the audience make one up.

Other than those few things, I don't see much here you can fix without lots of practice and perseverance. Good luck.

Eragon_Fanatic · 07-29-2007, 04:10 PM

Ok then,I just put the MIni there because I love them.....
Most peaple think there a geek mobile so I sliped that in there......

I will change that though ill also change his last name....

Oh and tennager is corect he's about 17 I will place that in there next edit

If he needed to be there in 20 got there in 15 he had plenty of time to look for food.Thats why he left early to look for more food....

fmreditor · 07-30-2007, 07:53 AM

Truthfully, it is hard to read with all the grammatical and spelling mistakes. Please at least use a spell-checker. Do you type things into something like Word (not a Microsft shill, worry not) before you post them? That might be a good practice to get into - other than that, not a whole lot there yet, just a set-up, not story yet.

I agree that the Mini Cooper mention seems like product placement - if you shorten it to, perhaps "Can I take the Mini?" everyone will know what you mean without it screaming "Product Placement Here!"

RoseRed · 07-30-2007, 01:47 PM

First off, sweetie, grammar is key when writing. Small mistakes happen, but that's what proofreading is for. It seems like you weren't even looking or thinking about what you were writing here. At the very least, use punctuation at the end of sentences. Then maybe you should go pick up an English textbook and brush up on a few things.

Second, as already brilliantly stated, LESS DIALOG. You need to describe the scenes, and dialog doesn't help you much there. You need to build the characters, make them interesting so that people want to keep reading about them. I'm not seeing that at all.

These characters are so flat, they make a gymnast's chest look like a D-cup.

Adamboy · 07-30-2007, 01:58 PM

It doesn't really interest me in the slightest, that is because as a lot of people have explained, there is not much description.

I also feel that you say 'he said' or 'eric said' too much, it's very repetitive.

If you address those points and have a good storyline it could work.

Emmett89 · 07-30-2007, 02:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eragon_Fanatic

Ok then,I just put the MIni there because I love them.....
Most peaple think there a geek mobile so I sliped that in there......

I will change that though ill also change his last name....

Oh and tennager is corect he's about 17 I will place that in there next edit

If he needed to be there in 20 got there in 15 he had plenty of time to look for food.Thats why he left early to look for more food....

Well, why did he leave early to get more food, when he was eating at his home?

Anyway, this does need some work. And some paragraphs would be good as well.

Mystery · 07-30-2007, 02:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Filetofbaby

What is this pile of suh-lah? Tell me something: When you set out to write this piece of mind fuck goodness, did you at any point take into account the fact that a number of your readers would gouge their eyes out?

It's all dialog, what is this? A play? Actually, it can't be, play scripts have more description than this.

Oh, I'm sorry, is this a story for Young Adults? Twelve year olds and the like? My general experience tells me, though, that you shouldn't try to write young reader novels when you are one.

God, a part of me wishes that this abomination was an actual living, breathing mammal (Must be a mammal, because they struggle more at death) so I could throw this thing into a gas chamber, accompanied by you, and just pick up where Darwin left off.

5/5 lulz

Truth Teller? Is that you or your son, I can't tell.