Heart of Pyrite (working title) Chapter 1 - Writers Forum

Emmett89 · 07-25-2007, 11:04 PM

The pulsating neon lights of the Exotic Breeze sent waves of shadows across Albert Pirbright’s face. The bass of the music inside the strip bar made a monotonous drone. Only stopping when the stereo switched from one undistinguishable song to the next. He glanced up at the sign that stood at the front of the parking lot, it’s yellow lights blinking creating the silhouette of a nude woman.

Albert Pirbright’s clean black shoes that had just been shined that morning contrasted with the cracked pavement of the Exotic Breeze. Pot holes and busted beer bottles dotted the parking lot, and in the seldom used parking spots to the side of the Exotic Breeze, weeds fought each other for the sun. Albert saw a man open the door coming outside, and for a brief moment, could hear the din of the music clearer than before, and saw the pink hue of the inside of the Exotic Breeze escape to the parking lot. As the man walked slowly to the car, and the door shut again, Albert Pirbright was once again a stranger to the innards of the Exotic Breeze.

After a handful of stationary minutes for Albert Pirbright, the door opened again, this time two people left the bar, a man and a woman, an inaudible conversation happening between the two of them, as they walked to their car. The man stopped and bent over as the woman kept walking, unaware of what her partner was doing. He picked up what looked to be from this distance a cigarette butt. He saw the man put his hand out, palm up, and flick his fingers toward himself, asking her for something. With an exasperated look, she rummaged through her purse, and tossed him a lighter. He lit the butt and they disappeared around the corner of the Exotic Breeze.

Albert Pirbright tightened the knot on his blue work tie, and straightened his blazer and made his way to the door of the Exotic Breeze. He stepped over a parking bumper and up the lone step to the heavily tinted door, with the placard hanging from the inside stating New Jersey’s liquor laws. His hand closed around the cylinder handle, and immediately felt dirty, like he had just put his hand wrist deep into a bucket of quarters.

He pulled the door open, and the smoke and heat of the Exotic Breeze hit him like a punch to the gut. Booths lined the wall all the way around the club with tables spotted in front of them every five or so feet. Men sat with women in their laps, holding a cigarette with an extended arm away from them to avoid burning the dancer.

“You going to move there, pal?” A voice said from behind him. Albert turned around slowly, a large man with a bald head and a goatee, was behind him, Albert hadn’t realized he was standing right in front of the door still, he nodded absentmindedly and stepped to the side and leaned against the wall, under a framed 1950's cigarette advertisement.

The two catwalks went straight out from the burgundy curtain in the back, with a walkway connecting them, creating a sort of H shape. Nobody was on it yet. On the opposite side of the Exotic Breeze was the bar, with two bartenders behind it shuffling back and forth holding drinks, and making change. Albert made his way there.

He took a seat at the end of the bar at a vacant seat, the only one remaining. He sat quietly folding a napkin, until one of the bartenders, a younger man, with a thin goatee, came up to him, “What can I get you?”

Albert swallowed and said, “Could I see a menu, please?”

The bartender shrugged his shoulders, “We don’t have menus, just to tell me what you want, and I’ll make it, we got a lot of shit back here.” The bartender pointed a thumb over his shoulder at the cabinet stocked with liquor bottles.

“I’ll just take a beer, I guess.” Albert said.

The bartender stuck his head out inquisitively, “What kind? Tap? Bottle? Bottle with a glass?”

“Oh” Albert said quietly, “Just forget it.” And he spun on his spool around to face the catwalk. The music cut off abruptly, and a voice came over the speaker, “Ladies and Gentlemen! Here at the Exotic Breeze, we’re famous for the best ladies in town, and this one is no different! Can we get an Exotic Breeze welcome for Nikki!” A smattering of applause welcomed her.

A new song started over the speaker, and out came the stripper from behind the curtain, wearing a school girl outfit. Her obviously fake breasts staying in place as she jumped around the stage, and as she grabbed the pole and leaned back, her breasts stayed up, defying gravity. Albert sighed, and got off his stool and went into the restroom, passing a man in a cowboy hat yelling at the stripper, and shaking a dollar bill over his head.

He opened the door to the bathroom and stepped in, and went to the stall at the end of the restroom. He closed the stall door behind him and slid the lock in place. With his foot he lifted the toilet seat which was splotched with dried yellow specks, caused by drunk men. Or perhaps just careless ones.

He finished urinating, and zipped his pants back up and buttoned them. As he finished washing his hands, and was continually running his hand under the sensor for more paper towels, as it was only giving him one square at a time. The man with the cowboy hat burst in, “Gotdamn! That girl has some big titties!”, he yelled almost triumphantly and went into the stall that Albert had just left. Albert crumpled up his last paper towel and tossed in into the bin, and went back outside.

As he went outside he heard the DJ say over the loudspeaker, “Thank you Nikki! Wasn’t she great everyone?!” Nikki walked back to the curtain, waving sheepishly as she picked up her clothes from the catwalk, while absurdly covering herself with her free hand and disappeared behind the curtain, to huge applause.

The DJ’s voice resonated over the room once more. “Sorry to say folks, but we have a change in the schedule, our planned dancer, Raven, could not be here tonight, don’t worry though we found a replacement...” But before he could get the name out, the crowd erupted.

The stripper had already made her way out to the catwalk before the announcement had finished. It was Nikki again, in a different outfit. Albert made his way to the exit. Before he went out the door he spotted the corkboard that had the scheduled dancers for the night. He spotted Nikki’s picture thumb tacked up. Her blonde hair, her stiff lips pursed out into a kiss , the rounded cheeks, the huge eye lashes, the bottom of the picture cropped out before her nipples could be seen.

Under Nikki’s picture was the absent Raven’s. Albert glanced at it, and then started to move his eyes across the other photographs, but his eyes darted back to Raven’s picture. She had long brown hair, obviously the influence of her performing moniker. Her eyebrows looked drawn on, her cheeks were hollowed, her mouth slightly open, as if she wasn’t expecting the picture to be taken. Her cheekbones were sharp and defined. Her eyes were large and looked glossed over as if she had been just crying. Albert thought she looked like Audrey Hepburn if Hepburn had hair down to the small of her back.

Under every other person’s picture was a note card with each performer’s name, their name was hand drawn, perhaps by the performer herself, Nikki’s name alternated between green and red for each letter, and was surrounded by uneven yellow stars. The other’s had similar treatments done to them.

But each letter in Raven was capitalized and looked scrawled on with a permanent marker. Albert put his nose close to it, and sniffed it, he could still smell the recognizable fumes from the marker. He drew back, and looked back at the catwalk, Nikki was still bouncing around and bending over to make her accessible for dollar bills.

Albert looked back at Raven’s picture. He stuffed his hands in his pockets nervously, and walked back to the bar. The stool he was at before was taken, so he took the one next to it. The bartender was talking to a man sitting four seats down from Albert. The bartender’s lips weren’t moving, but he had his head tilted toward the man, with an expression of slight concentration on his face as he listened. His face then burst with laughter. He clumsily set the glass he was cleaning down on the bar, and put his hands on his knees, he stood up wiped a tear out of his eye, and pointed a finger at the man at the bar, and choked out, “That...That’s a good one, I’ll have to use that one.”

Albert leaned back and looked around the three people between him and the customer talking to the bartender. He was smiling back at the bartender, but he wasn’t laughing with him, “Yeah, that’s a good one, I forgot where I heard it though.” He said with a smirk.

The bartender let out a long breath and shuddered, as if his body was destroying what was left of the laughter inside him. He turned his head and spotted Albert again, he made his way over to him, “You know what you want this time, bud?”

Albert nodded and said, “When’s Raven coming back?”

The bartender twisted his face up, “Who?”

“Raven”, Albert repeated, “ the dancer that they had to replace.”

The bartender nodded fervently, he understood, “Oh! Beats me man, I’ve never seen her before, I don’t really pay that much attention to the schedules anyway, they all look the same to me, and who’s looking at their faces anyway, eh?!” The bartender punched his shoulder softly.

Albert flinched, and said, “Who would know?”

The bartender crouched down and disappeared. He stood back up, holding a glass he tossed some ice into it, “Just Jim, he owns the place, he’s not here tonight though, he only shows up on Friday nights, leaves it to me and Ivan the rest of the time.” He motioned his head to the DJ booth where Ivan was hidden by shadows.

“Okay, thank you.” Albert said, and returned to the exit, and before he left took one last look at the picture of Raven.

raven hope · 07-26-2007, 06:39 AM

Really good...nice vocab, but minor punctuation mistakes and stiff dialogues. Try to make the dialogues more engaging.

Emmett89 · 07-26-2007, 01:19 PM

Thank you. I was sort of hoping to make Albert's dialog sound awkward, but I'll have to pay attention my other characters.

I should have the next chapter up by Monday.

Rahvin · 07-28-2007, 05:54 PM

It's good, if a bit directionless. Your writing is good, and it flows.

The only problems I have with it are the title (pyrite just doesn't seem to fit...), and the plot itself. I realise that it's only chapter 1, but it has no hook. There seems to be no motivation for the character going into the club. He enters, uses the bathroom, then leaves, after first checking the picture of the basent stripper. If Raven is a character in the story, it just seems a bit too contrived, and if she isn't, it's just unnecessary.

Emmett89 · 07-28-2007, 08:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rahvin

It's good, if a bit directionless. Your writing is good, and it flows.

The only problems I have with it are the title (pyrite just doesn't seem to fit...), and the plot itself. I realise that it's only chapter 1, but it has no hook. There seems to be no motivation for the character going into the club. He enters, uses the bathroom, then leaves, after first checking the picture of the basent stripper. If Raven is a character in the story, it just seems a bit too contrived, and if she isn't, it's just unnecessary.

Thank you. I have some 'plan' later in the story that would make Heart of Pyrite seem more understandable.

And, chapter 2 would be more of back story of why he's in the club. However, you bring up a good point about the Raven character showing up, does it seem too forced? I had never really thought about it. But that's why other people's opinions are so great!

Thanks again.

archer88iv · 07-29-2007, 11:27 AM

I didn't really have a problem with the title except maybe that it seems pretty pessimistic. Might be the intention, though.

Emmett89 · 07-30-2007, 02:20 PM

Yeah, the plan for the story is perhaps a tad pessimistic.

Emmett89 · 07-30-2007, 11:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Filetofbaby

Wish granted, fucktard.

Okay, I'm a firm believer that the first paragraph is the most important part of a story. When someone opens up a prospective book to buy they look at either the plot summary on the back, or the first paragraph. It's the part that someone decides whether or not to continue. So right now, I want to stop.

First off, italicize Exotic Breeze. Secondly, how in the world does a neon light send "waves of shadow"? I would imagine it would be more like "waves of flamboyant colors" and not so much waves as "pulses of flamboyant colors".

Also, "the bass from the music inside the club". You've already told me it's a club by making Exotic Breeze a proper noun, giving it neon lights, and telling me that bass is coming from the inside, you don't need to tell me it's a club, I already know, so just shorten it to "The sonic bump of the bass from inside rocked his fuckin' face off", or something.

Next: Wrong prefix, it's indistinguishable, not undistinguishable. Undistinguishable isn't a word. oh and don't put a period after drone and before only, it's still the same sentence.

You're giving a human quality to the sign when you shouldn't be giving it a human quality. In fact, in this situation, for the sake of clarity (and sanity), don't use any verb. Just say "He glanced up at the sign in front of the parking lot".

You've got a gerund fuckfest in the next part of the sentence. Take out blinking, it's the useless word in the bunch. Whenever a sentence feels too wordy, just take a verb or adjective out and read the sentence to yourself, nine times out of ten you're just trying to describe too much in one sentence.

Now, here is how I would write your first paragraph:

The pulsing lights of the Exotic Breeze lit up Albert Pirbright’s face in random, colorful intervals. Indistinguishable stripper music from inside gave off a low monotonous buzz with each chord the bassist plucked. Albert studied the sign at the entrance of the tiny parking lot as it flashed the outline of a woman taking her clothes off in a seductive manner which left him mildly unamused.

Ta da! Now, shithead, fix the rest of your story before I bother to read any more. Remember, things need to flow well. Any half-decent writer (Which, judging by this first paragraph, does not include you) can feel if a sentence is a rough read or not. Don't be afraid to omit something completely and come back to it later, sometimes it isn't important to describe certain things just yet. Don't be afraid to write a short sentence either, give a small detail its own sentence. "The walls were periwinkle blue," is good enough.

Ooh. Very nice!!!

1. Pulsating light is meant to mean the neon lights are dimming and brightening, due to them being old, or however you'd want to interpret it. And he is far away from the club so a dim light would cause shadow to be seen on his face, while a bright one would alleviate the shadow.

2. A middling point, but if you HAD read farther, you'd know there wasn't a bassist or any live band at all in the club, but a DJ.

3. I like my opening paragraph more than your version, but to each their own, huh?!

From one fucktard to the other, thanks for the criticism!

blodren · 07-31-2007, 12:47 PM

Gotta go eat, but I'll be right back to add my own critiques to what you've written, emmett.

Blodren

blodren · 07-31-2007, 01:38 PM

Supper's over. What's in blue are my thoughts. Red is grammar. Do with them what you will.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Emmett89

The pulsating neon lights of the Exotic Breeze sent waves of shadows across Albert Pirbright’s face. The bass of the music inside the strip bar made a monotonous drone. Only stopping when the stereo switched from one undistinguishable song to the next. He glanced up at the sign that stood at the front of the parking lot, it’s yellow lights blinking creating the silhouette of a nude woman.

I understand why the silhouette is flashing, but neon lights don't flash unless they're turned on and off repeatedly, creating a manual flash. They may flicker when they're burning out, but i'm basing that off of flourescent lights that also use gasses for light.

Albert Pirbright’s clean black shoes that had just been shined that morning contrasted with the cracked pavement of the Exotic Breeze. Pot holes and busted beer bottles dotted the parking lot, and in the seldom used parking spots to the side of the Exotic Breeze, weeds fought each other for the sun. Albert saw a man open the door coming outside, and for a brief moment, could hear the din of the music clearer than before, and saw the pink hue of the inside of the Exotic Breeze escape to the parking lot. As the man walked slowly to the car, and the door shut again, Albert Pirbright was once again a stranger to the innards of the Exotic Breeze.

Exotic Breeze this, Exotic Breeze that, Exotic breeze blah, blah, blah. You don't need to keep mentioning the full title each time. If you wan the name mentioned, use the Breeze or something, otherwise just use 'the club' or something like that. How could he see to the seldom used parking spots if it's (i'm assuming it's night because the strip club's open) dark out. It's good to mention it, if one could actually realistically see it. 'As the man slowly walked to the car?' Is he the only car owner in the parking lot? Otherwise, use 'As the man slowly walked to his car'.

After a handful of stationary minutes for Albert Pirbright, the door opened again, <Use a period here instead of a comma and capitalize this >this time two people left the bar, a man and a woman, an inaudible conversation happening between the two of them, as they walked to their car. The man stopped and bent over as the woman kept walking, unaware of what her partner was doing. He picked up what looked to be from this distance a cigarette butt. He saw the man put his hand out, palm up, and flick his fingers toward himself, asking her for something. With an exasperated look, she rummaged through her purse, and tossed him a lighter. He lit the butt and they disappeared around the corner of the Exotic Breeze.

Again the thing about the usage of Exotic Breeze, but i've mentioned that so i'll move on. You use fillers describing random characters, which is good. No one wants to read about a man staring at a strip club for half an hour and nothing else happening. It would drag on more than some of the descriptive scenes in 'Lord of the Rings'.

Albert Pirbright tightened the knot on his blue work tie, and straightened his blazer and made his way to the door of the Exotic Breeze. He stepped over a parking bumper and up the lone step to the heavily tinted door, with the placard hanging from the inside stating New Jersey’s liquor laws. His hand closed around the cylinder handle, and immediately felt dirty, like he had just put his hand wrist deep into a bucket of quarters.

If the door's heavily tinted, how can he read the liquor laws? Try posting it above the bar or something if you want it mentioned. Otherwise, just omit it. 'just put his hand wrist deep in to a bucket of quarters.' As dirty as I'm sure that is, it makes the reader go '...What?' Not exactly what you want in this scene. Try a different synonym.

He pulled the door open, and the smoke and heat of the Exotic Breeze hit him like a punch to the gut. Booths lined the wall all the way around the club with tables spotted in front of them every five or so feet. Men sat with women in their laps, holding a cigarette with an extended arm away from them to avoid burning the dancer.

Try using a metaphor with the punch to the gut. Also, change the structure of the sentence. 'He pulled the door open. The smoke and heat seemed to punch him in the gut' for example. Not the best of examples, but you get the idea, I hope.

“You going to move there, pal?” A voice said from behind him. Albert turned around slowly, a large man with a bald head and a goatee, was behind him, Albert hadn’t realized he was standing right in front of the door still, he nodded absentmindedly and stepped to the side and leaned against the wall, under a framed 1950's cigarette advertisement.

You keep up the use of unimportant characters. You've set the theme of using them, now keep with it throughout your writing.

The two catwalks went straight out from the burgundy curtain in the back, with a walkway connecting them, creating a sort of H shape. Nobody was on it yet. On the opposite side of the Exotic Breeze was the bar, with two bartenders behind it shuffling back and forth holding drinks, and making change. Albert made his way there.

He took a seat at the end of the bar at a vacant seat, the only one remaining. He sat quietly folding a napkin, until one of the bartenders, a younger man, with a thin goatee, came up to him, “What can I get you?”

'He took a seat at the end of the bar at a vacant seat'? What's his other option, sitting on someone's lap? Try 'He took the remaining vacant seat at the end of the bar'. Again, not the best of examples but hopefully the point gets across.

Albert swallowed and said, “Could I see a menu, please?”

You mildly express his nervousness which the reader could feel. That adds a little meat to the character and shows us that he lives and breathes, has feelings etc. That's good.

The bartender shrugged his shoulders, “We don’t have menus, just to tell me what you want, and I’ll make it. Don't overstress your commas. We got a lot of shit back here.” The bartender pointed a thumb over his shoulder at the cabinet stocked with liquor bottles.

“I’ll just take a beer, I guess.” Albert said.

The bartender stuck his head out inquisitively, “What kind? Tap? Bottle? Bottle with a glass?”

“Oh,” Albert said quietly, “Just forget it.” And he spun on his spool around to face the catwalk. The music cut off abruptly, and a voice came over the speaker, “Ladies and Gentlemen! Here at the Exotic Breeze, we’re famous for the best ladies in town, and this one is no different! Can we get an Exotic Breeze welcome for Nikki!” A smattering of applause welcomed her.

The music just cut off? Granted, I've never been to a strip club, but it still seems the music would be dimmed and the dj would just talk over the music. Also, the club seems a little full to just use smattering, but that's your preference.

A new song started over the speaker, and out came the stripper from behind the curtain, wearing a school girl outfit. Her obviously fake breasts staying in place as she jumped around the stage, and as she grabbed the pole and leaned back, her breasts stayed up, defying gravity. Albert sighed, and got off his stool and went into the restroom, passing a man in a cowboy hat yelling at the stripper, and shaking a dollar bill over his head.

He opened the door to the bathroom and stepped in, and went to the stall at the end of the restroom. He closed the stall door behind him and slid the lock in place. With his foot he lifted the toilet seat which was splotched with dried yellow specks, caused by drunk men. Or perhaps just careless ones.

He finished urinating, and zipped his pants back up and buttoned them. As he finished washing his hands, and was continually running his hand under the sensor for more paper towels, as it was only giving him one square at a time. The man with the cowboy hat burst in, “Gotdamn! That girl has some big titties!”, he yelled almost triumphantly and went into the stall that Albert had just left. Albert crumpled up his last paper towel and tossed in into the bin, and went back outside.

The use of fillers can help you throughout your story, just don't let them drag on too long or you'll lose your reader.

As he went outside he heard the DJ say over the loudspeaker, “Thank you Nikki! Wasn’t she great everyone?!” Nikki walked back to the curtain, waving sheepishly as she picked up her clothes from the catwalk, while absurdly covering herself with her free hand and disappeared behind the curtain, to huge applause.

What happened to the smattering of applause earlier?

The DJ’s voice resonated over the room once more. “Sorry to say folks, but we have a change in the schedule. Our planned dancer, Raven, could not be here tonight. Don’t worry though we found a replacement...” But before he could get the name out, the crowd erupted.

You're continuing to overuse commas.

The stripper had already made her way out to the catwalk before the announcement had finished. It was Nikki again, in a different outfit. Albert made his way to the exit. Before he went out the door he spotted the corkboard that had the scheduled dancers for the night. He spotted Nikki’s picture thumb tacked up. Her blonde hair, her stiff lips pursed out into a kiss, the rounded cheeks, the huge eye lashes. The bottom of the picture was cropped out before her nipples could be seen.

Under Nikki’s picture was the absent Raven’s. Albert glanced at it, and then started to move his eyes across the other photographs, but his eyes darted back to Raven’s picture. She had long brown hair, obviously the influence of her performing moniker. Her eyebrows looked drawn on, her cheeks were hollowed, her mouth slightly open, as if she wasn’t expecting the picture to be taken. Her cheekbones were sharp and defined. Her eyes were large and looked glossed over as if she had been just crying. Albert thought she looked like Audrey Hepburn if Hepburn had hair down to the small of her back.

Under every other person’s picture was a note card with each performer’s name, their name was hand drawn, perhaps by the performer herself, Nikki’s name alternated between green and red for each letter, and was surrounded by uneven yellow stars. The other’s had similar treatments done to them.

But each letter in Raven was capitalized and looked scrawled on with a permanent marker. Albert put his nose close to it, and sniffed it, he could still smell the recognizable fumes from the marker. He drew back, and looked back at the catwalk. Nikki was still bouncing around and bending over to make her accessible for dollar bills.

Why was he smelling the marker? Sounds like a strange question, but i'm still curious to know.

Albert looked back at Raven’s picture. He stuffed his hands in his pockets nervously, and walked back to the bar. The stool he was at before was taken, so he took the one next to it. The bartender was talking to a man sitting four seats down from Albert. The bartender’s lips weren’t moving, but he had his head tilted toward the man, with an expression of slight concentration on his face as he listened. His face then burst with laughter. He clumsily set the glass he was cleaning down on the bar, and put his hands on his knees, he stood up wiped a tear out of his eye, and pointed a finger at the man at the bar, and choked out, “That...That’s a good one, I’ll have to use that one.”

Albert leaned back and looked around the three people between him and the customer talking to the bartender. He was smiling back at the bartender, but he wasn’t laughing with him, “Yeah, that’s a good one, I forgot where I heard it though.” He said with a smirk.

The bartender let out a long breath and shuddered, as if his body was destroying what was left of the laughter inside him. He turned his head and spotted Albert again, he made his way over to him, “You know what you want this time, bud?”

Albert nodded and said, “When’s Raven coming back?”

The bartender twisted his face up, “Who?”

“Raven”, Albert repeated, “ the dancer that they had to replace.”

The bartender nodded fervently. He understood. “Oh! Beats me man, I’ve never seen her before, I don’t really pay that much attention to the schedules anyway, they all look the same to me; and who’s looking at their faces anyway, eh?!” The bartender punched his shoulder softly.

Albert flinched, and said, “Who would know?”

The bartender crouched down and disappeared. He stood back up, holding a glass he tossed some ice into it, “Just Jim, he owns the place. He’s not here tonight though; he only shows up on Friday nights; leaves it to me and Ivan the rest of the time.” He motioned his head to the DJ booth where Ivan was hidden by shadows.

The semi colons can be replaced by periods. It may be best if you do replace them if you don't know how to use them.

“Okay, thank you.” Albert said, and returned to the exit. The and isn't needed. Just capitalize before. and before he left, he took one last look at the picture of Raven.

To be completely honest, I like where you seem to want to go with your style, but your storyline so far is lacking. It's like trying to watch .Hack//Sign. Most people give up after the first few sentences and those who make it through everything you've written are more than likely wishing they hadn't checked out the book at all. Rework your contents some is what i'm trying to say. Also, get someone who's better with their grammar to go back over it. My corrections may be wrong, and there may be quite a few other things.

Blodren

Emmett89 · 07-31-2007, 08:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by blodren

Supper's over. What's in blue are my thoughts. Red is grammar. Do with them what you will.

To be completely honest, I like where you seem to want to go with your style, but your storyline so far is lacking. It's like trying to watch .Hack//Sign. Most people give up after the first few sentences and those who make it through everything you've written are more than likely wishing they hadn't checked out the book at all. Rework your contents some is what i'm trying to say. Also, get someone who's better with their grammar to go back over it. My corrections may be wrong, and there may be quite a few other things.

Blodren

I appreciate it and will return the critique sometime this week. Reading over it, I can see how someone unenlightened tow where I want to go to with the story, could be bored out of their mind.

It certainly needs some revising in the ways of flow, but doesn't everything?!

Thanks again.