Disclaimer:
The content may not be liked by some. Violent and contains swearing. The first post here however isn't anything to worry about but later posts will be.
Okay... in my last few threads in the critique section, I promised I'd show the rewrites of my work. I feel comfortable sharing this now and I'm quite proud of the writing, so I hope you enjoy this piece. I still have the second scene of this chapter, along with the second chapter to rewrite and polish, which I will post in this thread. The story will be concluded at the end of chapter two for internet purposes but not as a whole as it's just the start. It'll be concluded because you get to find out at the end of chapter 2 what the aftermath of this scene was. (unless you know due to reading the rough versions I've posted.) I don't really want to show more after the second chapter is complete but I'm quite confident this is some of my best writing, whether that says much or not.
It may not be as fast paced or anything as people may like, but the story from it's outset was never meant to be an action piece. It'll take one-two more updates in this thread to finish what I'm posting. I look forward to any comments.
Chapter 1
The thrill of the hunt dies with the quarry. Yet, the hunt is also most agonising. You wait calculating everything needed to make the kill in a certain manner, which allows you to avoid being caught. During this time, you are so temptingly close to the one you seek that the need for instant gratification can become overwhelming. However, I am proud to say temptation has never got the better of me. Standing here, my goal is close. My place is solidified in the queue and I am too close to let weak emotions take precedence over my careful and cold approach.
The rain hammered the streets of Los Angeles, creating a haze. The poor weather could never stop people flocking to clubs like lambs, especially on a Saturday night. The queue reflected this stretching down the street’s length behind him, ending near the corner. His target stood two places in advance. Two female friends accompanied her on both sides.
She’s a pretty bitch, that Michelle. A shame really. Michelle carried a black handbag and her legs were long. She wore a tight red dress, which was cut short. She was stunning in the haze; her long blonde hair making her the epitome of an angel amidst an otherwise dull crowd.
He fiddled with his hands buried deep within his coat pockets, waiting. Head held high; he looked on with contempt. A couple stood in between him and Michelle. He guessed they were in the beginning stages of their relationship, refusing to keep their hands off each other. The man’s hair though wet, was tidy. He reeked of everything he disliked.
His girlfriend probably thinks he is the perfect boyfriend. I will bet he takes everything for granted, so unaware of the gift he has been given. The outward appearance of a man is often a guise for who you really are and I can tell he isn’t faithful. The smug look of arrogance he carries on his face tells me everything, as does the way he kisses her. It is almost as though he is showing her off as a prize, in an attempt to create envy. I have been shown love but I have never been able to reciprocate. My pleasure and care is reserved for other matters, though even then I am detached by normal standards. He should be more grateful and not flaunt his trophy. Others are not as fortunate and blessed as he is.
Michelle and her friends were allowed entry. The lovers in front soon passed by the bouncer and he was glad. He couldn’t abide their sight any longer. His turn came. The bouncer was bald headed and heavily built. Deep down, he found the bouncer amusing. He wasn’t intimidated in the slightest of the bouncer’s girth and that was the amusing part. He mused that the bouncer’s strength was his weapon and what he relied upon. The bouncer eyed him up and down, scrutinising. He remained unflinching under the gaze and lowered the hood of his coat. The bouncer nodded. “Go in. You’ll be searched first.” The bouncer pointed to a colleague inside.
He nodded, keeping his amusement hidden. Entering, he caught a glimpse of Michelle entering the dance room. Another bouncer approached, to his right. He was tall and coloured. “Empty your pockets.”
He did as he was bid, emptying his possessions into a silver tray. His possessions were a pair of black gloves, keys and a wallet. The coloured man patted him down, searching. Once satisfied, the coloured man pointed to the counter on the left and spoke. “Gather your belongings and pay for your ticket. Make sure to leave your coat in the coat check.”
He nodded again, gathering his belongings.
It’s about time. He’d never liked searches. The woman behind the counter was pretty, with tanned skin. He bought his ticket and proceeded to deposit his coat at the coat check. Heading into the dance room, he was free of security measures and could enjoy himself. The dance music beat loudly in the background, heard throughout the entire building. Many danced and the lighting threw multicoloured lights onto the floor.
His first thought went to the bar. He pined for a Budweiser. He weaved his way through the crowds. The bartender was growing old; his hair beginning to recede in the throes of old age. He ordered the drink, leaving a small tip for the friendly attitude the bartender had. He didn’t care much for people but one with a good nature was rare.
He leant back against a pillar, facing the dance floor. Michelle was there, wasting no time enjoying herself. She danced with a young man, who was full of life in his dancing. He didn’t feel offended by this. He didn’t care whether her attention was solely for him or for the man she danced with.
Fuckin’ bitch likes her men for sure.
Distracted suddenly, he looked to the right. A woman wearing a black dress had tapped his shoulder. “You're not with anyone?” she asked.
He nodded, letting his thoughts meander. His eyes savoured the exquisite view of her, from head to toe. He liked her but he knew he couldn’t be distracted this night. “No, but I’m not interested.” It was an easy lie to make. He was expressionless and that helped. He took a draught of his beer.
“A pity,” she remarked looking at him one last time. She left, brushing past him and he watched her briefly.
If only she’d spoke to me on a different night. On the other hand, he was glad to be rid of her. She would have been nothing but a distraction. He returned his gaze to Michelle.
The process of watching continued into the early hours. Michelle left as closing time neared with her friends and he followed. The street was now quiet compared with earlier. There were however, several drunks shouting outside. The rain had miraculously ceased. Following the group of friends, there was silence apart from their conversation and the echo of footsteps. He made sure to keep his distance. He sought the shadows where he could to help conceal his presence. He stopped when the group did. They said their goodbyes and split.
He continued the pursuit up until Michelle stopped in front of a rather large house. The house was clearly too big to belong to someone who was poor. The house had a walled garden with a gate. She entered, the gate swinging open making a scraping sound on the concrete. He moved up to the gate, waiting behind the front of the wall watching. He made sure no-one was about or could see him and once he was satisfied, he looked to Michelle again around the wall.
She walked up the steps and stood by the front door. The area was dark apart from the house lights above the door. The curtains reflected the plush nature of the house and the woman’s wealth, as they were made out of fine material.
She is so unaware and that is the beauty.
She fiddled with her handbag, probing for the door keys. She found them and inserted them into the door, turning. The door opened and she prepared to remove the keys, the opportunity couldn't be any better. He seized it, moving quickly through the gate. Michelle was never aware of his presence until he was right there, behind her. He wrapped his arms around her waist and clasped a hand over her mouth to prevent her screaming.
