Stabering

This is like the story overveiw thing for two books im writing:

Book1:

Kristen and Mike fall into a crack in the earth during an earthquake and end up in a dwarven civilazation in the middle of teh earth. The dwarves are slaves of the Empire (humans in an entire different world) and are forced to mine and smith ore found in the ground. Kristen and Mike meet up with a dwarf named Dagger who shelters them and is the leader of a resistance planned to free the dwarves. The resistance has lately found that new gems that are appearing in the earth obtain special abilities, gaining power the farther down they dig. Kristen and Mike must learn to harness their power to help the resistance overthrow Vermeer, the overlord. Together the two teens and their group of new friends must save their world, and the other worlds, from the vicelock grip of the Empire and its Evil king.

Book2:

over 200 years ago Sequill made peace throughout the world. Since then there have been no bandits, no wars, nothing. When a major port is attacked by skilled mages clothed in black, Lunair ventures with his friend to the port. When his friend is attacked by bandits, Lunair realises he has a power he never knew existed. His necklace, a talismon thought only to summon light, turns out to be an ancient vessal of power that has never before seen. Lunair is sent to figure out the mystery of the dark mages before there is another attack on the country. But can Lunair, the simple hunter, do what thousands wish of him to do, to save their contry from destruction?

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I'm not a very good writer, but I'm an excellent rewriter. ~James Michener

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sisera

I would definitely read it. In a weird sort of way, the first story reminds me of the Chronicles of Narnia, which is one of my favorite fantasy series. So, yes, I think it sounds good.

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Kyrie

It sounds good, but it could easily sway on the cliche side. I'd have to read a few pages before deciding, but I'd definetly give it a try.

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Stabering

The first 10 pages really only introduces the charachters, so its not the most interesting thing in the world.

I can see where the cliche comes from, but i think mines.. different. I read alot of books, and i mean like the entire row at barnes and noble, and i havent read anything quite like this. But i am trying to make it more original. I know gems are used in alot of books, but i couldnt think of anything else a dwarf would find that was special.

~stabering

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So often is the virgin sheet of paper more real than what one has to say, and so often one regrets having marred it. ~Harold Acton, Memoirs of an Aesthete, 1948

I'm not a very good writer, but I'm an excellent rewriter. ~James Michener

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Kyrie

Gold, silver, ores, other precious metals....I'd really like to critique your story sometime.

Someone once told me, "If a story doesn't start from the first page, it doesn't start" (or something along those lines), so if the first 10 pages are ONLY character introduction, it worries me a little.....

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Stabering

Well the first 5 pages starts with Kristen, then she falls into a large hole... then the next 4 or 5 talks about Mike, who also falls into a large hole. Then they fall into a temple place. So it really isnt just boring intro its more of a like Ka-boom intro. Alot of things explode and hurt and stuff.

I prolly wont have it ready for it to be critiqued in about 2 months, i already see alot of problems. Such as i have all these gems doing things and never explained which gems do what. I also want to spend more time with the MC's practicing with their gems, seeing is how they go from never using one before to being pros.

I also want my books to be thicker, like 300-400 pages. right now its only 170 pages

Im gunna research other things found in the earth besides gems, if i find sometihng it will be in a later post. Thanks

__________________
So often is the virgin sheet of paper more real than what one has to say, and so often one regrets having marred it. ~Harold Acton, Memoirs of an Aesthete, 1948

I'm not a very good writer, but I'm an excellent rewriter. ~James Michener

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G. Palmer

Lost me there to be honest.

Also lost me there, but if you hadn't lost me there you did with:

I'm just being frank, but it all seemed very hackneyed to me.

blodren

i'd be willing to give the second one a shot. it's possible that it could be good. The first one doesn't interest me at all. Overlord, resistance, it just seems overplayed.

Blodren

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