LionofPerth

OKay, I guess I should put in a disclaimer just in case.

This is a pretty dark world, devils, and portals to hell dimensions, beasts that make a foul tempered tiger look tame, you get the idea, you don't like that type of stuff, I think not reviewing this work would be a good idea.

If you do, I'll give you some background.

First thing first, hell and heaven are very real places, not exactly as described, but very real.

Devils and fiends etc are the real evil, not the demons, they're just like us, except for the occasional pair of horns, slight smell of sulphur, nothing too dangerous you know.

Swords and other bladed weapons are about the only way to kill anything, while guns work on vampires and zombies, they are just about useless against a mage, and you need at least three headshots to put down a vamp.

Vamps are more based on the original Nosferatu myth, over the Dracula, and sunlight etc doesn't work on them it has to be the stake, fire or decapitation.

One final note before I post the intro I wrote, they are flying in to a city to kill a Cerberus, the plane is full, they are really that dangerous.

“Sheree, you know what it’s like out there,” Leon said, looking down at her face. Though she barely reached the top of his shoulders, she was hardly petite. She had a full figure and face, framed by long golden blonde hair. Her blue eyes stared into his hazel ones.
“I know, but that doesn’t change anything, you know that, silly,” she replied, without blinking. “I love you, and that’s all that matters.”
“I know, I know, how could I not?” he replied, blinking. He kissed her forehead gently. “But...”
“This is no life for a woman to live?”
“No, it just that...”
“No life to bring another into? I know you want to have a family, and you want a daughter more than a son.”
“You know me too well.”
“Of course I do, only Pete could know some of the things I do, only because I told him.”
“You told him what?”
“You like your scotch over fifteen years old, single malt over blends, on the rocks, and you really need coffee in the morning, you like it pitch black, he called it...”
“Demon strength?”
“Right, I thought it was...”
“Satan strength.”
“Yeah.”
“It was starting to feel weak.”
“Weak? I could smell it across the apartment.”
“Yeah, like I was getting used to it, wait, hold on,” Leon said, looking around, a slight smell of sulphur tainting the area.
“Portal. Something’s coming,” Sheree said, reaching for her bowie knife which she wore on her thigh.
“Low level portal too, sixth maybe,” Leon said, and turned around to reach for his sword. He heard a growl, then a loud tearing sound. He drew a large wide bladed broadsword, and turned around, only a second too late.

A giant hound had tore into Sheree’s thigh, the one she wore her knife on. One of its many canine teeth pinning her hand to her side. It pulled her back, the portal showing a bleak landscape, scarred by fire. She was pulled in, but before Leon could follow her, the portal closed, blasting him backwards, into the wall. He staggered to his feet, looking around. The area where the portal had formed was blackened, deep blisters in the floor the only evidence that something other worldly was there at all.

“Sheree?” he asked quietly, dreading the silence. A single tear formed in his eye, and started to run down his cheek.



“Hey Boss, ‘nother nightmare?” Pete asked.
“Yeah, just another nightmare,” Leon replied, wiping a tear away from his cheek. “Same one.”
“It’s been three years now, hasn’t it?”
“Three and a half.”
“Not that you’re counting.”
“Wish I could stop, I can’t.”
“Still half an hour out, guess it’s better you’re up, the boys are still resting.”
“They know the target?”
“They know, they’re all volunteers, you wanted people who felt lucky right?”
“Lucky, we’re after a Cerberus. Last time one appeared on this plane, it took three tanks to kill it, not counting the fifty three it slagged,” Leon said, sighing. “What level of firepower are we bringing with us?”
“Enough to vaporise every tank in US armoury, twice. Why you got so many mages together is beyond me, couldn’t sleep from all that magic,” Pete replied with a small shudder.
“Look at me, cursed with both Light and Dark magic,” Leon muttered.
“I forgot, you breathe that stuff, oh well, I’ll wake the others,” Pete replied. He walked to the end of the cabin still facing Leon to see him holding a small fireball in his left hand, and a ball of ice in the other hand. He watched them disappear, a small cloud of mist was all that left of either ball as they faded.

I hate it when he does that, Pete thought, as he started to rouse the other fighters.

What do you guys and gals think?

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The plot bunnies! Make them STOP!

CSX

I'm pretty sure it says somewhere in the site rules not to post "PLEASE COMMENT" or the like as thread titles. It's a given you want critique... You don't need to ask for it... Better you give us a title and description...

Anyway, it's interesting. I like how you go straight into the dialogue and action and let the action do the talking instead of writing three or four paragraphs of drivel (which usually bores me...)

There are a few minor grammar and spelling errors but nothing major I can see.

As for your background information before the story... Don't you think it makes much more sense to write that into your story instead of leaving it out? I don't see why you had to omit it, as it's very crucial information. It's very easy to slip that information in between dialogue.

One question: what happened to Sheree? Apparently Leon woke up from a nightmare, and it's implied that, contrary to the nightmare, she's alive and well, but... is she? You need to be more specific about her whereabouts-- unless that vagueness was intentional.

Mystery

It's very typical fantasy around here

Sounds pretty tame to me consider the main character of my first completed work and of the experiment I'm currently writing laugh while killing children .

You managed to fit in hot good sided devil ladies. You have my vote.

You are gonna need a reason for that. Bullets are at least hard to block since they travel fast as all hell, swords etc and much slower in comparison and easier to avoid.

In that case, the gunshots need to be to the neck, not the head. The whole idea behind decapitation was not to kill the head, but to separate it from the body/heart.

Red = Errors(I'll correct them for you as a first time courtesy)
Green = unnecessary
Blue = comments and suggestions(I'll change some automatically)

I'm also going to properly space your work, keep in mind how I do it, it's annoying to read it of a screen when it's not well spaced and I like what this story is about, so I want to be able to critique it all the way through.

It's a little rough around the edges with some dodgy wording where I think you must have lost your train of thought, but otherwise it's quite good.

The star's thing is what most writers I've seen use in books to denote a change of place or time.

Also, you need to make things a bit more coherent, in conversations between male and female use 'he' and 'she' so that the reader doesn't confuse the people, you may know who's talking but no one else does. Male and male or female of female or multiple parties use 'he', 'she', and names(I.E Leon said, Sheeree told him, He answered her, Pete mumbled)

Finally, where are they in the start? In an aircraft or what? Give us the scenery so we know whats going on better. IT's too confusing without scenery since I'm seeing them in a spacecraft and then wham, a portal appears out of nowhere and a dog grabs his wife?

IT needs a little more depth, that is all, it's got good potential though so work it over and keep it up.

Just a heads up, if you type the[font][size] stuff and don't do the closing brackets, it will leave that effect for everything until you put closing brackets. You don't need to repeat it every line.

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Let's drown all our sorrows and we'll be gone till tomorrow...

Dies Irae, Dies Ilia, Solvet Saeclum In Favilla...

Yes, must still shut up.