Devunn

Really, I'm just trying to get some feedback on what anyone might think of this, I's a little lenthy but any advice, ideas, or even if you can tell if this is something you would keep reading would be helpful........

The van pulled along the backside of the building and then came to a stop. Three or four men jumped out the van and attempted to unload its contents into the building. Lining the rear doors of the van, with the back door of the building, two guards positions them selves in front of each van door, and then rapidly opened them at the same time. A minute silently passed, as the guards grew ever more anxious, waiting nervously in fear while they stood at their post. Already on edge from the dangerous assignment they were chosen for, they tensely stayed alert jumping every time random movements and snarls reverberated from inside the van. Then with out warning a dark blurred figure jumped through the doors of the van. One of the guards, screamed franticly from the figure's vicious attack, when it found him trying to hide as the beast passed into the building. While mauling on the guards remains, something else caught its attention and made it stand up on its two feet. He was slick and chiseled like a sculpture. His oversized mouth did not even begin to cover his teeth that were smeared with blood and left streaks trickling down the sides of his jaw, as his tongue slithered between his teeth and split into two like a serpent, it randomly ran across both sides of his chin licking up whatever leftover blood his mouth didn’t hold. He resembled a horrible work of art come to life as he took a long deep satisfying breath inhaling something in the air, that to him smelled like the sweet sent of roses and in turn began to make his blood boil. He began breathing heavily flexing his oversize muscles covered by his blackened leather skin as his head quickly shifted, and gazed in the direction the smell was coming from and then suddenly, with an echoing roar he disappeared down a random corridor.

The women stepped through the door to the seventh floor, and looked up and down the empty corridor. Although she hardly expected the floor to be empty, she started to assume that her target might have escaped somehow. Confused at first, she cautiously walked down the corridor, her head swiveling in all directions, looking for any signs of life, as vibrations from an explosion somewhere reverberated throughout the floors beneath her. Paying no attention to the rumbles as debris fell from the ceilings the noise soon leveled out and was gone. Questions started forming in her head, while she crept through the empty always, realizing they were deserted. Why is the floor empty? She asks her self. Observing the empty offices and flickering lights that blinked randomly in each room and throughout the hallways. Papers, notebooks and books were scattered across the floors. Chairs and tables disregarded and overturned as if everyone had left in a hurry. She then noticed there was no evacuation from the building, due to the explosion. No alarm sounded off, no announcement to remain calm and no people running for the nearest exits. The air was cold and chilling as the blasting air conditioner made some what of a small breeze, which ran arbitrarily through out the floor and every so often pushed the papers here and there imitating movement. A faint but distinct smell suddenly ran across her noses but then disappeared just as quickly. Paying it no mind, the women continued down the hall. Other than the first floor, it was as if the office building was completely empty. She spotted a small sign that pointed to the right and said “C.E.O. Presidents Office” Edward Simmons, A popular political figure nonetheless, but unknown to anyone was the deep influence he had on scientific development, especially in this city. She headed toward the office and pushed open the door. The C.E.O.’s office was in the same state as the others. Desks and chairs turned over aimlessly and spread out, pushed close to the walls, with papers and notebooks scattered everywhere like some fight was taking place as they were told to evacuate. Immediately a flashing light on the desk where the C.E.O. would normally be sitting caught her eye. It was small and flat like a CD, but had a small dome like bubble on it, and on the top of that dome, a yellow flashing light. Slowly she walked toward it................it didn’t look like a bomb, she said to herself and definitely did not have the makings of a bomb but still the light was flashing, blinking on and off as if signaling something. Just then, she smelled the same aroma again, that she had become aware of before, except this time it was much stronger, it was so distinctive that she soon realized it took up the whole room.

"Shit!" the women whispered, “The deserted hallways and offices! The cold air! The open spaces cleared of obstacles!” ”This wasn’t a trap or evacuation, it was a fighting ground!!!” “And I’ve been set up!!!

What ever that device was on the desk, it was admitting some kind of aroma, that was drawing someone or something too her location. She immediately started dashing toward a nearby window, but before she got into full stride, a load echoing roar come from somewhere on the floor. The bellowing roar froze her instantly with fear and uncertainty as a series of stomps that seemed to quicken, as they got nearer, growing loader and deeper with each passing second. Soon, she could not even tell if, what ever it is was standing up right or walking on all fours, one thing was clear though, she was now the bait for a trap. She quickly came to realize the elaborate set up that must have started a couple of days ago, in order to get her to this point and whoever or whatever that sound came from, the hunter in this ambush was now coming for her. Anticipating the situation, her hands began to glow slightly and at the same time tightened as if they were gripping on something. The movements throughout the floor became loader and more distinct, and by now she could tell, that what ever it was, it was definitely running on two legs, and although its pace still quickened, she knew it would be here soon, following the aroma straight to her position. Just then, she felt an unusual jump in the temperature. As the stomping sounds grew near, the heat started to rise and continued jumping up a couple of degrees every few seconds until heat waves began to rise from the floor. Just as she realized the jumps in the temperature, a black blur jetted across the hallway with a roar, at the end of the corridor and a second later stepped back into her view. He was immense, about 6’10” and well toned, and long, chiseled arms that reached down to his knees. He had not even seen her until he realized where the smell was coming from. When she caught his eye, he smiled ravenously and immediately continued in her direction. Paralyzed by the beast’s presence, she watched as its walk, through the heat waves looming from the floor, quickly turned to a run, and then its run quickly turned to a four-legged gallop. Her hands glowed with light as two double-edged knives slowly started to form from the light out of each hand, each one protruding and then curved away in opposite directions, as the beast drew nearer. While he quickly neared the office entrance, she began to feel her mind beginning to lose focus, jumbled by random patterns of thought that started seeping through her head, like someone filming through a magazine. Remembering where she was at the last second, she opened her eyes just in time to see the beast galloping down the corridor toward her. As it quickly approached the office entrance, a door on the opposite side of the hallway, blasted off its hinges by a tsunami flame hit the beast, instantly slamming the beast, compressing it against the wall. Followed by an overwhelming continuous blast of fire that took up the entire hallway, which probably would have cooked the beast, had it not been for the door shielding him from the full blast of flame. She watched as the fire blast, engulfed the hallway and then a being also engulfed in living flame stepped into view and steered the fire blast against the door and along with it the beast in the opposite direction back down the hallway. Just as she saw this happen, she felt two hands on her head, coming from behind her. She could feel an analyzing presence in her mind, scanning through her like a book. She then turned around in time to see Keith and quickly swiped at his face with a curve of light that just missed him. He backed off but continued his concentration on her mind, eventually forcing her, against her will, to put down her guard. The lights around her hands began to dim, as she felt her self-starting to lose consciousness. Just then, the beast let lose with an explosion of rage, throwing back Ethan and sending him the floor just in front of the office, and he then hurled the unhinged door in Keith and the woman's direction. Seeing it, at the last, second Keith fell to the floor, and the women, in the same motion rolled away and shattered the glass of the nearest window as she jumped though.

She sailed at full speed toward the ground, halfway through the fall; she shot a spear gun at a nearby building, and swung in front of the building and out of sight. Back inside the building, Keith recovered to his feet just in time to see the beast galloping toward him after hurdling over Ethan who had been thrown to the floor. Just as it leaped into its final attack, Keith again fell to the ground, and as he fell, a strong front of heat, followed by a single stream blast of fire, hit the beast in midair and sent it hurling over Keith and against the wall. The beast incapacitated for a minute, lay motionless on the floor. Keith gathered his thoughts as he realized what had happened. He manages to get to his feet and run towards Ethan, who after letting loose that streamline of fire, still had his hand stretched out but was no longer covered in flames. The beast started to regain consciousness, and slowly came to its senses. Just then, Keith passed by Ethan and grabbed him by the shoulder urging him to come on. Ethan’s attention focused securely on the beast, waited for him to get to his feet. The beast recovering to his feet caught a glimpse of his attacker and automatically started his gallop towards Ethan. Keith, still pulling on Ethan, told him

"Come on! Come on, let’s go!"

However, Ethan not even listening to Keith shrugged him off, pushed him into a side door, and once he saw the beast coming for him, let loose with a violent yell that instantly exploded him covering his body again in living flames. The beast, not missing a step, continued his pursuit toward Ethan. Flailing, as it leaped towards him, Ethan threw a blast of fire, which stopped the beast in midair and sent him immediately in the opposite direction. The immense blast set off all the sprinklers in the hallway but Ethan, was way to hot to notice, he charged at the beast with the same intensity that the beast had come at him with and at the same time fired two blasts from his hands, aimed directly at the beast. The beast covered his face from the blast, and despite the explosion from its contact, was still able to clear his face just in time to watch Ethan hit him with a right hook made of fire. Holding him down with his left hand, each strike that Ethan connected with had a small fiery explosion behind it and sounded like thunder. He continued his assault until in surprising retaliation; the beast pushed Ethan off him and sent him flying across the room, hitting the wall beside the office entrance. The beast gathered itself and made its way over to Ethan, picked him up and slammed him again against the wall, this time holding him just off the ground; he landed a right hook across Ethan's face. He continued hitting Ethan until, Ethan's anger raged as it unloaded in a great fiery explosion that took out the surrounding walls in the office and left anything bolted down, burnt in a splash of black. The beast, thrown back and flipping over a bolted down desk, this time completely incapacitated. Other than heavy breathing, there was not a sound out of the beast. Ethan’s fiery rage fueled by adrenalin boiled as he approached him, lying on the floor. The flame around his hand formed into a sword like weapon that protruded from his arm. As he neared the beast, he dove into his strike, but while following through with his action, his mind became scrambled, and because of this, he was unable to keep his concentration or his adrenalin rush. In the middle of his attack, he lost consciousness, the flame around his body dissipated instantly as well as the flame from his arm and he fell beside the beast.

In the midst of the water falling from the sprinklers, and the destruction caused mostly by Ethan, Keith came into view, and started helping Ethan to his feet. Thinking to himself, same old Ethan, always a hot head and always, leaping before he looked. He and Ethan began to make their way to the nearest staircase and headed down, but on the way down the stairs, the number 315 randomly appeared in his head. Unable to pinpoint its origin at this time, he ignored its random occurrence, but whether from circumstance or done intentionally, he knew what it meant. Nevertheless, for the now, he had other things on his mind. On the very top of the office building, a black helicopter rested, and inside a man listening attentively and carefully watching monitors that were recording various information from the confrontation that had just taken place on the seventh floor. The man however, intrigued by Ethan and Keith's interference, realized the beast was incapacitated and was holding on to his life by a thread. With that, he motioned to the pilot, and told him to take off and head for the main building.

Mira landed on the top of a building that was well away from the Unitech building that she had made the swift exit from. For the first time in a long time, Mira had no explanation for what had just occurred. It was bad enough that someone had set a trap for her that she never saw coming, but then the man that was reading her thoughts, and the thing totally covered in flames. Was it a team of assassins? If so then why did they let her get away without any pursuit, and what was that person doing in her mind anyway. Many questions, and far too few answers, so realizing the answers were not coming anytime soon, she sat down on the top of the building in an Indian stance, and began her meditation. A man in all black, and wielding two swords across his back, in true ninja fashion stood attentively on a nearby building and watched Mira's every move. Seeing her start her meditation, he took that as his cue and dove head first off the building in the direction Mira was in.

Keith and Ethan made it down the stairs, through the ruble caused by the earlier explosion that they had just missed and had eventually redirected their attention to its origin. As they made their way to the first floor, they did not even bother going to the front, assuming security guards, police officers, or the press or all three were out there waiting for them.

"I think we have caused enough trouble for one day." Keith noted.

Ethan regaining consciousness, stood on his own and replied, "I think your right," as they looked for any door that was opposite the front.

Realizing the damage was already done, Ethan ran to the first door that caught his attention and charged his right arm, until it lit on fire. He hit the door, instantly knocking it off and they proceeded through. Eventually, amongst all the hallway doors, they spotted an exit sign and headed for it. The door it pointed too led them into the ally behind the building. While leaving out the back of the building, Ethan saw the black van to his right, that he had recognized earlier and for a moment stopped. As his temper rose again, he was quickly redirected too the end of the ally by Keith.

"I don't think so" Keith said, "Lets roll!"

They started too run in that direction towards the end of the ally, Keith made it there first and just as they got to the street, he slowed up to a quick walking pace. Keith turned the corner looking up and down the street in the process, trying to look as natural as possible. Ethan, a couple of feet behind him nearing the end of the ally also, thought to himself why not, turned around and hurled a fire ball at the black van. The van instantly blew up in flames and Ethan continued out onto the street in the same fashion as Keith.

Mystery

Space it out and remove the small font, and then I'll read it, I don't want to squint of get my eyes owned from walls of text Just leave an empty space per paragraph.

__________________
Let's drown all our sorrows and we'll be gone till tomorrow...

Dies Irae, Dies Ilia, Solvet Saeclum In Favilla...

Yes, must still shut up.

Devunn

GunslingersRequiem

Thought I'd take a look at this:

Red = I've changed it or I suggest removing it
Orange= Punctuation
Blue= My suggestions

Well, even after reading over this twice, I'm not quite sure what happened in the story. It makes absolutely no sense--three (or four) men are inside a van, then they jump out, then wait around aimlessly. Suddenly, out of the same van from whence they came, a beast attacks one of the men. The other two (or three) seem to disappear into thin air. The artform-esque beast then smells roses on the air, and this scent of roses makes his blood boil. I don't know about you, but nothing pisses me off like the scent of roses.

Alright, so I was rather harsh with my review, but you need to be able to clarify what is going on in the story. You may see things a certain way, but inconsistencies like the creature jumping out of the same van the men just exited will kill your story before it has begun. Go through this first section, examine the things that I've brought to your attention, and have another try at this. Hopefully, you'll catch on to your common areas of error, and tidy them up a bit.

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Devunn

i see what your saying gunslinger...............i probally should have noted that alot of that particular part of this story, ties in with the another part that has not been revealed yet, (in particular the sweet roses), but i still understand, i should probally reword that, in cluding the guards coming out the van..............

Pistos <><

It was pretty confusing.
I was somewhat intriuged until the creature came out of the van and started eating the guards.
I dont know what else to say besides it did not really 'hook' me.
Although, I am only one, and not the type that usually enjoys these kinds of stories.
All I can really say is- be sure to walk your reader through the story. When writing fantasy, it is nessesary to describe the setting and characters well considering the reader has nothing to go on before you write.

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Pistos <><
(Pistos is translated to 'faithful believer')

Psalm 73:26


My stories

1. Saving Reins - http://www.writingforums.com/fiction...ts-please.html

Mystery

Gunslinger covered most of it, my only complaint is that I have to read walls of text and you do a lot of this:

"The X did Y. The Y did X" that feel really disrupting to read.

__________________
Let's drown all our sorrows and we'll be gone till tomorrow...

Dies Irae, Dies Ilia, Solvet Saeclum In Favilla...

Yes, must still shut up.

CSX

Seriously, fix the 'mountains-of-text' issue first. Divide those giant paragraphs into smaller ones. Remember, one paragraph communicates one idea-- no more no less. Make it look presentable and easy to read.

After skimming through Gunslinger's review, I'm really glad I didn't delve into it. I think his review sums up what I would've said if I had read it.

Then why don't you write the other 'hidden' parts of the story along with this chapter? You're supposed to hook the audience by getting them intimate with the story, not alienate them by intentionally making it confusing (better you do that kind of thing later on, if it's necessary at all).

I laughed out loud at this. Awesome review Gunslinger! =D

And Devunn, don't get discouraged. Rewrite and revise until you get it right. Every great writer has to start somewhere.

Mystery

Some people like that kind of thing, there's a lot of good stuff out there like Xenosaga(very very mindfuck game/story) thats hellishly confusing and yet enjoyable.

In any case, go easier on people new to writing

__________________
Let's drown all our sorrows and we'll be gone till tomorrow...

Dies Irae, Dies Ilia, Solvet Saeclum In Favilla...

Yes, must still shut up.

CSX

Didn't mean to sound rough... Sorry if I did.