a chapter from my book...let me know - Writers Forum

dbay2006 · 07-22-2007, 08:46 PM

That day he was watching television, in his living room, bothering no one. This is what he had done since May; no, not because he is lazy, because he is not, nor because he has nothing better to do. I am sure that he has some chore or errand to complete, but Billy Arnold, or William (to his parents and teachers) likes television. So he sat in his fathers heavily cushioned chair and waited for the next half hour segment of his favorite show.
I do not think that it would hurt to tell you that the large padded seat hurt his back because it was made for someone much bigger than him. Whether or not this fact is important is, as many other statements in life are, determined by what comes next. His parents had gone to bed and only the low volume of the television, which happened to be strictly enforced within the Arnold household, and the slow drip of rain and thunder filled the tiny living room. Remember when I told you that it was late, well that also comes into our story. It was late, overcome with exhaustion, and a few parts boredom, he switched the television set off and his heart suddenly sank. Please, do not think ill of young Mr. Arnold, you would have been scared too if there were a troll standing directly behind your chair in the middle of the night
He turned around and watched, as best he could, as the troll scratched its head. The beast had struck its forehead against the smoke detector that hung in the hall. It opened its eyes and they shone with and eery grey light. You could even see the pupils of its eyes and when they met Billy’s the monster sprung for the front door. He jumped out of the way (as would you) and fell onto rough carpeted floor. I for one would have left the monster alone, but as I have already stated, Billy was bored. His parents were fast asleep and he chased the troll into the yard and started down the street. The low thud of the monsters were moving fairly fast for a beast that size, Billy knew because he had read many books on things no one else cared about, and knew that the thing was a troll. What he previously did not know was that they existed.
Billy had not noticed that the rumble of the monsters large feet had stopped and he almost ran completely into it. The streetlight poured over the troll and Billy caught a small sight of its clothing. Trolls, in his books, normally wore vests of beast skin and large leather boots. This troll wore a large green felt vest with grey fur underneath. His boots were made of leather with many plates of shiny metal attached to the top of its foot. Instead of the usual hammer on its back, as if trolls were in any way usual, there was a long silver sword slung across one shoulder. Red hair covered its enormous round face as well as on top of its head, and it wore a green headband across its forehead.
Billy could not move for fear that the troll would smash him into the cold pavement with its thumb but he did not have to, because the giant ran from Billy. They quickly left the lit intersection where they were standing and continued down the street until they reached a dead end. The troll merely stepped over the fence into the adjoining houses yard and into the tree line at the other side. Billy’s small stature forced him to, much more slowly than the troll of course, climb the chain-link fence. On the other side he watched as the back of the troll disappeared into the woods.
This is where you and I are likely to stop chasing an eight and a half foot tall giant, but not Billy. He ran into the trees and underneath the canopy of leaves that shut out the moon. Following the sound of the trolls footsteps he went blindly through the thick forest. Branches were hitting his face, scratching his cheeks, and as he came to a small clearing, where the bright moonlight struck the forest floor, his foot struck the top of a root, sending him down a tiny creek bed into a ravine. Putting his hands on the ground, he raised himself up. As he stood to his feet he looked to the top of the ravine. Billy had fallen a long way and he felt that it was smart to take a rest.
A large rock sat at the mouth of a small cave that was cut into the side of the ravine and he stared into it. As he sat and stared into the eery cave, and from being content with living after such a fall, he had completely forgotten about the troll until a large cold hand cross his face and covered his mouth. The ground quickly sank and the troll had him lofted high in the air underneath his arm. Billy kicked and struggled, yet the large smelly arm of the troll was to strong. His eyes widened as the cave seemed to be getting closer. Once he had read that after going into a troll’s lair you wold never return, so he kicked and screamed with all his might. Yet the clumsy troll stumbled into the mouth of the dark cave with Billy under its arm and the forest soon grew quiet again.

Mystery · 07-22-2007, 09:42 PM

Green = unneeded
Red = mistakes
Blue = suggestions

Quote:

That day he was watching television in his living room, bothering no one. This is what he had done since May; no, not because he is lazy,no, because he is not. Nor because he has nothing better to do. I am sure that he has some chore or errand to complete, but Billy Arnold, or William (to his parents and teachers) likes television.

Most of the red stuff is tense confusion, you started narrating in the past tense for the present(the present being where the story started, not the actual present), and then spoke about something even further into the past while changing to present tense.

Also, you don't need so much punctuation, I took some out and changed some. You also don't need those brackets and I would recommend not putting brackets into your writing, it seems informal.

Change the rest of it into once tense(I.E was instead of his, had instead of has) and space it out, paragraphs = leave one empty line. In it's current format I'd pick out too many tense errors to read it well.

Pistos <>< · 07-23-2007, 01:55 AM

Your writing style is fascinating although sometimes confusing.
It is hard for the reader to become involved or 'hooked' because they do not get to expirience Billys emotions. We hear much about the writers opinion (Ex. I would not have followed the troll) but the reader still feels oddly distant from Billy.
Just what I've noticed.
Although, the story was intriuging and I am curious to know why a boy is following a troll through the forrest.

dbay2006 · 07-23-2007, 07:40 AM

Thank you for the comments guys.

Fossy · 07-23-2007, 05:19 PM

Not a bad story to read and I agree with what others have said about the tenses. What did make me laugh was the rain and thunder dripping! does thunder drip? Just watch for ambigious statements that's all; or are they dangling participles?

dbay2006 · 07-23-2007, 05:54 PM

Just to let everyone know, this is a first draft and I have not edited it yet. But thank you FLOSSY, definately something to look at.

subtlesoda · 07-24-2007, 12:05 AM

I'm honestly not sure about this one. The writing style could be interesting if you worked with it enough. It's reminding me of a rough Lemony Snickett style, and you'd have to make sure to trim this down I think. There's always that fine line between just enough description and a bit too much. Maybe instead of writing so much in this style at once, you could write the first part of the intro a few times and play around with it.

blodren · 07-24-2007, 05:03 AM

Might just be me but your style made me think of Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy. I didn't like that series too much, and your book isn't my style. Other than that, go for it. I'm sure there are plenty that would like it.

Blodren