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Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 3
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ShotDown
It's just a small preview of what I'm writing at the moment, I'd really like ANY feedback, good/bad, anything. Even if it's just spelling/grammar errors but I don't think there are any. Since it's not final, I'm still trying to like fill up the holes.
One final thing, I couldn't get the same format as it is in my word processor so in the real thing, the lines are indented.
22:05 HOURS, JUNE 10TH, 2354
RESCUE CAMP DEPENDABLE HOPE-SECTION B, PLANET HAVEN
Tyler woke up and tried to open his eyes, there was a bright orange light surrounding him that made him squint, similar to a strong bedside lamp. He tried to lift himself up but it hurt to move, his entire right side was burnt and blistered, and his clothes were all torn and slightly scorched around the edges.
He blew his long black hair out of his face and looked around, he was in a ropey looking dark yellow tent, there were some other sleeping bags around him but none of them were occupied. He closed his eyes tightly and tried to remember what had happened – he had been in bed at home, something shook his room like an earthquake, and there was a distant muffled sound of people were screaming outside. He wondered where his parents were - he heard footsteps and saw a shadow outline on the tent. Someone was coming.
A grubby hand pushed one side of the tent flap to a side and a face peered through, it was a man in his thirties with closely shaved brown hair and sharp blue eyes. There was a fierce but calm vibe that accompanied him, Tyler felt immediately comfortable with his presence; the man looked Tyler in the eyes and spoke. “Looks like you had a rough night too, c’mon lets get you something to eat”.
Tyler quickly realized how hungry he was and managed to get himself up to his feet and stepped into the outside. The air was clouded with ash and dust being made visible by the campfires, the sky clouds had been replaced by debris – falling ships and some ships still floating there within the wreckage. There were a lot of other tents around him; some people sat outside on blankets playing cards. The man stopped to a halt, looked down at Tyler and gestured him forward towards a campfire, he peered out from behind the man and saw a group of children sitting around a fire eating some rations.
He spotted some food laid out for him and eagerly made his way towards the group. He parked himself on a bench, gobbled the food down and washed it down with some water, he didn’t like the taste but he was hungry so he didn’t care. The meat was raw and the vegetables, at least what he thought was some kind of vegetable was very dry, however he didn’t have energy to complain. He spotted another kid picking his food about and lent over towards him, “You gonna eat that?” The kid looked stunned and shook his head; Tyler took the tray and ate all of that food too.
He was still tired, he rubbed his eyes to take a better look around, all the children were roughly his own age, some of them weren’t human, he recognized them though, and some of them had cuts and bruises accompanied by torn clothes. A boy sat next to Tyler and spoke, “Hey, I’m Dylan”, Tyler turned to face him, he was a Crayner – Yellow skin, dark ocean blue eyes, tall pointy cat like ears with tiger-like orange stripes on them, and he wore a brown baseball cap flipped backwards. “Hey, I’m Tyler” he replied.
“So you feelin’ better?”
Feeling better? Tyler thought, didn’t he just meet this guy?
“Fine thanks.”
“You probably don’t remember me, we were in the same rescue bus, they found you outside your house lying on the grass, beats me how you got there but you were totally out of it.” Tyler fell silent. The thought of his parents – he felt a sudden loss of energy, he exhaled but couldn’t inhale back in.
Tyler was about to say something when a hand came down on his shoulder almost making both him and Dylan jump up. It was the same man as before, and had changed clothing; he was now in some kind of armour, it was dark blue, bulky, and didn’t look new at all. And he held a weapon slung over his shoulder, some kind of long shaped gun. “C’mon, we’re moving” he said.
He turned and started walking back the way they had came. The other children began to follow without question, walking together disorderly in a clutter of confusion. Tyler moved back towards Dylan, “What’s going on?” he asked.
Dylan turned back to Tyler, “Didn’t you hear him? We’re moving out.”
“I don’t get it”. Tyler said as his eyebrows pushed together unsatisfied.
“We move out” – he paused – “and they come in. Don’t you know who these guys are?”
“They’re part of the army aren’t they?”
“No, these guys,” he looked up admiringly to the man leading them, “they’re free-lancers” he continued. “They fight on their own, they protect us, and these ones came from Tantarer, to protect us. I heard about them on T.V yesterday.”
Tyler tried to take in the words, what the man he was following actually was. He had so many questions he wanted to ask. Firstly, what the heck is going on? Secondly, where is he? And thirdly, who is this they he mentioned coming in. He knew all these questions would have to wait though; he kept up with the group and wondered where they were being taken too. He noticed that the people who had been sitting outside before were now gone, apart from a few who had changed into similar armour and were standing around examining their weapons.
Anyways, C&C welcome. If you like it, I'll continue. Peace.
Last edited by Picceta : 07-22-2007 at 09:14 AM.
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