Joelle

This is something I started yesterday. I'm very picky about making the beginning of things perfect, so any advice about this is very much appreciated. Basically..do you want to keep reading? If not, why?


Hello. My name is Aileen, and my husband is an alcoholic.

I typed the words avidly, each clink of the keyboard like a miniature gunshot. I cannot recall what made me join that online forum, or start that thread. I guess, by that point, I was so lonely and desperate for anyone other than my children to talk to that I was willing to turn to a faceless group of strangers.

I wondered, for the millionth time, why they didn’t have AA for the spouses of alcoholics. Trust me—we certainly need it. We need a group to talk to, to relate to, to swap stories with. Especially when your worst fears are confirmed, when your husband doesn’t come home from the bar.

I have two children, I typed, a six-year-old son, Damien, and a nineteen-month-old daughter, Kiana. I’ve been married for five years, and it hasn’t been easy. I stopped. “It hasn’t been easy”? Waking up at three o’ clock every morning when the baby cries isn’t easy. Setting up the wireless network for a new computer isn’t easy. Being married to Josh has been impossible. I hit backspace, erasing that last sentence cleanly, and then paused. I’ve been married for five years. I paused again. Josh has been drunk for ten.

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When he was with her, the music never stopped.

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joelle-writing

Truth-Teller

no

Johnna

I don't know. I'd need more of an idea of what the story is going to be before I'd commit to reading it. Post up some more.

Truth-Teller: It might help if you gave some reasoning behind your "no".

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Joelle

Truth Teller - If I wanted to ask what a mindless idiot thought, I would have PM'd you personally.
Johnna - I know. This is just the very very beginning to spark interest, pretty much.

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When he was with her, the music never stopped.

* * * * *

joelle-writing

Johnna

Well, to be honest, you'd really need to have a better hook. Try making it longer, going a bit more into the story, before ending it.

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Joelle

ok. I'll make it longer.

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When he was with her, the music never stopped.

* * * * *

joelle-writing

Kyrie

Maybe would, maybe I wouldn't. It would depend on were it goes from here.

Good luck~

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charolastra00

This is not meant to be mean in the least, but to be quite honest- no, I would probably not continue to read. I find the beginning to be a bit cliched (many movies, TV shows, and stories start out with the formula "Hello, my name is ____ and I *insert shocking statement*) and I already have a negative impression of the primary character. From just what is written, all she does is whine. Granted, she has reason to, but it's not becoming of a hook. This might be what you're going for, but from just that snippet, the character makes it thoroughly unappealing. She just rubs me in all the wrong ways.

I would have to see more to draw me in. I could see this being an interesting plot line starting from this point, but again, I'd have to see more.

Sorry if I seem like a bitch, but I'm just trying to be honest about my opinion!

lin

They do. It's called Al Anon. The guy wondered a million times and never asked anybody?

I didn't see much reason to read further than that, actually.

raven hope

*feels like watching a TV series instead of reading a prose*
1. expand your story. It's too short. A chapter can be as short as half a page of a book, but I personally think that you should expand it.
2.the beginning is really cliche. Make it more interesting and set the mood right.

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Chronicles of a Legend+...魔境云说+CROSS...

Joelle

Thanks everyone for your advice.
I have made it longer. Yeah, at first she's kinda whining, but as the story progresses, she isn't anymore.
Al-Anon is for family members whose spouses or whatever found help in AA..isn't it? Obviously not the case here if her husband is still an alcoholic..
But thanks again. I really appreciate the honesty.

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When he was with her, the music never stopped.

* * * * *

joelle-writing

Truth-Teller

Interesting...

You allow others to be honest, yet when I say the same thing, you turn into She-Hulk. Hmm...

Truth-Teller

Just continue to write your poems, and do not tread into prose fiction, because you don't know how to write the short story format--lest a novel.

This is probably the worst piece I have read on these forums.

Loulou

Joelle, if this helps I wouldn't read on because I know too much already. In such a short space I know that she's married to an alcoholic, how long for, what her kids are called and how old they are, how it's tough and that she's joining an online help group. I have no reason to go on. Perhaps open with an event that shows all these things. She is a little whiny as others have said - humour is always a good way of showing the pain. Keep working at it though!

Truth teller, I admire your honesty, especially if you're able to turn it on yourself. However it's generally considered more helpful if you back up your honesty with reasons for your opinion - otherwise it's no use to the writer you're analysing and it makes you seem like a dick.

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You attempt to pull four story lines together in two-thousand words and nearly pull it off - Eggo
We rarely buy unsolicited manuscripts, but my editor and I thought that this was a superior piece of fiction - Sunday Express magazine

Truth-Teller

I'm saving this on my computer... just to get a hearty laugh later on, in my career.

Oh man, I have never seen such atrocious writing, until now. This is the lowest of them all.