DavidGil

Seeing as you have never shown your work Truth and you seem to be antagonistic along with wrong a lot of the times, I would say you don't care about writing or you have no future. Also, it is hardly the worst piece of work on here.

Have a good day.

Joelle: A few things, firstly keep it up. Next, what LouLou said about telling about the woman. I'd work it in slowly but that said, I've never read first person or wrote it. So I have no idea how you handle it, but I'd guess it's largely the same as third person.

I guess what I'd reccomend is trying to write it in third person if possible, but that's my personal taste.

Seppuku05

I dunno, Truth-Teller seems to be trying to put across that it's really bad, when it isn't. It's too short and tells us far too much - where are you going to go from there? Though a little research may have done. Take all of your ideas down and try to plan it out so that each idea can work and to keep the reader interested - leave them plenty of questions when you get ino it. So far, she's married to an alcoholic, has kids and is miserable, looking for a friend to talk to...what can that turn into? I can that little bit being a poem in the same sort of way Carol Ann Duffy does some of hers - it would work much better that way. But if you want to write a piece of prose, you'll need to approach it differently - perhaps she's looking back to what went wrong, maybe that opening could be worked there as well, I mean she could be searching through her past in her mind to find out what went wrong and then soon come to realise what sparked their love, why she has stuck with him for so many years - maybe this revelation could lead to the ending - does she live with him or not - for the sake of the audience, at necessary parts the narrator could contemplate whether or not she loves him or not. You can bring her to the present, she doesn't need to always stay in the past - you could have moments where she confronts him and he's an a-hole and then after the argument, it reminds her of something in the past. You do have options with this, though you really haven't given us much. I help my musing has given you stuff to think about - ignore comments that are out there to attack your work and don't provoke any of them with comments like those you responded with - I don't know the history between members, but there's no point letting arguments/disagreements arise.

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"Experience never provides its judgments with true or strict universality; but only (through induction) with assumed and comparative universality." - Kant

valeca

Nope. It's a service for the family members who're effected by the alcoholism of a loved one. It has nothing to do with whether or not the alcoholic has gotten help.

From the Al-Anon website:
"For over 50 years, Al-Anon (which includes Alateen for younger members) has been offering hope and help to families and friends of alcoholics. It is estimated that each alcoholic affects the lives of at least four other people... alcoholism is truly a family disease. No matter what relationship you have with an alcoholic, whether they are still drinking or not, all who have been affected by someone else’s drinking can find solutions that lead to serenity in the Al-Anon/Alateen fellowship."

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"...make your own nature, not the advice of others, your guide in life." --Pythia, Oracle of Apollo at Delphi

I'm here.

Joelle

Truth Teller - you just said no. This is after you post irrelevancy in nearly every thread I see you posting in. .....and when have I ever written poems? Again, you don't know what you're talking about, and your comments merely roll off of me.

valeca - oh ok. I was mistaken.

and for the others asking, the story isn't going to be about her marriage at all. She's going to get separated/divorced and her ex is going to take their son without warning and leave, and that's what the story will be about. I do bring it to the present tense after this segment. I guess this beginning part will probably turn into a prologue of sorts. Like I've said, I've made it longer and less direct. I know it was hard to critique since there wasn't much to go on, but thanks again.

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When he was with her, the music never stopped.

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joelle-writing

Rob

There's nothing here yet to hook me, but I'm not put off reading it either, so I'd almost certainly read a little further. My main concern with what you've written is that the story idea so far doesn't sound very original, but that might change - and it might not matter depending on your target audience of course.

Do you really need to be telling this through her typing up this stuff, or could it be told more directly? If it progressed for too long in this style it might be tiresome, for this reader at least, but again that depends on your target audience.

Cheers,
Rob

Joelle

The typing style ends there. In fact I'm not even sure I'm going to mention the forum again. It switches to present tense and goes from there.

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When he was with her, the music never stopped.

* * * * *

joelle-writing

lin

No, Al Anon is for families and loved ones of alcoholics. Obviously somebody who is still drinking is more of a problem than somebody who is not.
This could have been checked SO easily in about 6 seconds on google.

If you are writing about alcoholism, I'd really suggest doing a little of that research. Also, exposure to 12 step literature and attitude gives a very different picture of what alcoholism is than psych or medical models.

konstantin

I will definitely keeep reading . I think it's an awesome idea - people write about junkies, drunks, cheaters, cancer victims but never about their spouses. Besides, I like reading stories about regular people and not trolls, elves, dwarfs and such crap.

CSX

I'd probably read it. But this introduction seems kind of trite. Do something to start it with a bang rather than a whimper (maybe the six year old son fell and scraped his knee and the mother had to calm him?) Something to start it off with something potentially interesting rather than just her bitching about her life. Think about it, do you really want to hear what she has to say about her (apparently) miserable life?

Also...

Just curious, why would she marry him if he was obviously a drunkard long before their marriage? You can work with that idea, but you also might want to think about how potentially flawed it might be.

Truth-Teller

CSX, you're beautiful.

Are you Korean, Japanese, or Chinese?

CSX

Chinese (or Taiwanese to be more specific)... But born and raised in America.

Ocramas

I wouldn't I'm afraid. I can't see myself reading a book where someone posts on a forum in it, it would be too much like our lives for me. I dunno, I guess a story needs a bit more edge for me. It also seem's like a bit of a rant-ish story. I mean, i'm not sure i'd like to hear the explanation, it's all pretty clear already. Sorry if i'm speaking in odd bursts, trying to show you what i'm thinking right now

Fossy

Well this might be because I'm sick with the flu, but I rather enjoyed it.
And what a co-incidence. I have a son called Damien and when my daughter was born, when he was 7 years old, we named her Kiana; but later changed it to Alicia.

Maybe I'm just easy to please, but yes I really did enjoy it, but you could definately expand the story as others have said.

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Originally posted by Sam Winchester.
Fossy's good too. She gives good advice.

lin

Crazy. But that's what SO many women do. You want to just shake them and yell at them to get wise, but they marry guys that "need" them, that they can "fix up and remodel" that apologize for beating them or robbing them or jerking them around.

Mystery

Show your own work or gtfo.

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Imagine what you could do if you didn't require sleep... Now calculate all the hours you've lost so far with sleep, Insomnia ain't seeming so bad now is it?