dracosgurl

Introduction

Tess and Nona Simmons are twin fifteen-year-old girls. Their parents divorced on their last birthday, so they went to live with their father. When their stepmother, Jessica, got in a car accident with their father, he was killed. She got the two girls. She has three daughts; Taylor, Anna, and Maxi. It's time the girls must show who is boss, and a magical demension helps.
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Chapter One

Nona sat on her bed, staring at the blue phone sitting in front of her. Her jet-black hair stuck to her neck as the heat rose outside. Tess dragged herself into the attic where she and her twin sister sleep. She groaned. "You're not doing that again, are you?" Tess snapped angrily. Nona nodded. She does this every day: Wakes up, cooks Jessica and her stepsisters breakfast, eats her own breakfast with Tess, does her chores, then goes back into the attic, places the phone on her bed, and waits. "Who are you waiting for this time?" Tess asked as she flopped onto her bed.
"Heaven," Nona said quietly. She wants her father to call from heaven and say he's alright. Nona knows it impossible, but she hopes anyway. Tess just hopes an adoption agency would come and take them away from Jessica. Tess stood up.
"Get over it, Nona! He's not coming back!" Tess screamed angrily and stormed out of the room. Nona just sat there, though. I wish he would, though, Tess thought. Nona peered out the small window that faces the left side of the front yard. The front yard's grass is perfect: just the right shade of green. There's a brown, wooden fence that surrounds the whole house and the front and back yards. She heard Maxi playing with Pooch, the Saint Bernard. She heard Taylor and Anna in the backyard, arguing over the soccer ball. (Taylor, Anna, and Maxi are super soccer gals.) Nona put the telephone back on the desk and crept downstairs quietly.

Copyright by dracosgurl at writingforums.com

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Matt and Jeff Hardy. <3

For any of y'all that don't know, that's Corbin Bleu as my av!

Johnna

First of all, the title put me off reading the story. It's just cliche. The whole concept seems cliche to me.

You keep switching from past to present tense and it makes it hard to read.

It's confusing because you don't really introduce any of the characters, you just list their names and then jump right into the story.

You don't need to put a copyright.

All in all and judging from this little bit of writing, this is not something I would be interested in reading.

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dracosgurl

I know I switch from past to present. For some odd reason I keep doing that, very weird, I know.

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Matt and Jeff Hardy. <3

For any of y'all that don't know, that's Corbin Bleu as my av!

Johnna

Maybe you should get your tenses straight before posting here.

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Kyrie

I agree with what Johnna said. I don't mean to be discouraging, but I think the best you can do is go back and re-write it altogether. Read and check how other authors start their novels, that might help give you an idea how to do it better.

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Voodoo

tense switch:

It's not weird, it's cheap and shitty.
It's not a style, it's amateur.