Kwell - Writers Forum

Dirk Embers · 07-17-2007, 05:01 AM

okay so I originally posted this on File 13 but I've decided I'll have a go here as its fiction... well fantasy.

Kwell gave a furious rub at his icy blue eyes. Further wind dried by hundred mile per hour winds as the sky-dragon underneath him decided to take another deep swoop under the blanket of the storm clouds. Kwell responded with a swift kick. The stupid black beast had been doing it all night and soaking him for no apparent reason. Though in truth that was not what had really infuriated the fair haired boy.

‘Damn it!’ Kwell cursed again, swiftly re-gripping the reigns and avoiding losing balance off the beast and plummeting a hundred foot to the rocky cliffs below.

The thing that had truly upset him, was that he had almost fallen due to his own stupidity. Something that he found hard to accept after training all summer to become a Sky-scout and distance himself from the Nestling-riders that had made the very same mistake every flight up.

Noticing the change in mood, the dragon; Kilo, gave a brief glance back, a single fiery red eye from its dark horned head cautiously judging if the boy had been angered at him. Kwell gave the beast a comforting pat.

His dragon Kilo had become more and more self-doubting as of late. Just as anything, another hastening sign of the effects of Droon; the meaning and trouble of everything this time in the year, a time that many a rider had lost his dragon to nature. Kwell however was more cautious on the signs that had been surfacing in his own beast because of its newness.

Dragons, kingdom wide, had always left around this time in the year, but it was for this time alone that things had been different for Kwell’s dragon Kilo, and that he had had to take flight as well. For this time alone, Kilo, had finally come of age.

any comments would be appreciated, good or bad as long as constructive. Its about a war the boy gets caught up in when he has to travel to the dragons mating island far off, and him subsequently getting caught up in it. I just wondered what people thought of the idea and how its written?

Fossy · 07-17-2007, 05:06 AM

Sounds really interesting even though I don't normally read fantasy. The last paragraph I had to read twice tho', as it was confusing.

GunslingersRequiem · 07-17-2007, 05:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dirk Embers

okay so I originally posted this on File 13 but I've decided I'll have a go here as its fiction... well fantasy.

Kwell gave his icy-blue eyes a furious rub. They were wind-dried by the hundred mile per hour winds as the sky-dragon underneath him decided to take another deep swoop under the blanket of the storm clouds. How can he tell that the winds are a hundred miles per hour? This seems rather odd, as I'm pretty sure that would throw him off the dragon. I would elaborate or change it all-together. Kwell responded with a swift kick. The stupid black beast had been doing it all night and soaking him for no apparent reason. Though, in truth, that was not what had really infuriated the fair-haired boy.

‘Damn it!’ Kwell cursed again, swiftly re-gripping the reigns and trying to avoid losing his balance on the beast and the hundred-foot plunge to the rocky cliffs below.

The thing that had truly upset him was that he had almost fallen due to his own stupidity. Something that he found hard to accept after training all summer to become a Sky-scout and distancing himself from the Nestling-riders that had made the very same mistake every flight up.

Noticing the change in mood, the dragon, Kilo, gave a brief glance back, a single fiery-red eye peering from its dark, horned head, cautiously judging if the boy had been angry with him. Kwell gave the beast a comforting pat.

His dragon Kilo had become more and more self-doubting as of late. Delete this 'Kilo' that is in red--we have already been introduced to the dragon. Choose either 'Kilo' or 'His dragon'. Just as anything, another hastening sign of the effects of Droon; the meaning and trouble of everything this time in the year, a time that many a rider had lost his dragon to nature. The part in blue makes no sense--I suggest editing it to make sure the point you want is coming across. Kwell, however, was more cautious of the signs that had been surfacing in his own beast because of its newness.

Dragons kingdom-wide had always left around this time of the year, but it was this time alone that things had been different for Kwell’s dragon Kilo, and that he had had to take flight as well. Again, the part in red needs to be edited--we already know that his name is Kilo. No need to introduce him more than once. For this time alone, Kilo, had finally come of age. '...this time alone...' is repeated here again. I would suggest changing it. If you do, there's no comma after 'Kilo'.

any comments would be appreciated, good or bad as long as constructive. Its about a war the boy gets caught up in when he has to travel to the dragons mating island far off, and him subsequently getting caught up in it. I just wondered what people thought of the idea and how its written?

Well, to be honest, I found it rather bland and cliched, simply because this kind of thing has been done time and time again. Dragons flying through the sky, yadda yadda yadda. However, you have not written much, and for all I know you could turn it into something completely different. My advice would be to do just that, or your credibility will fall miserably. Other than the things I saw in there, and the apparent cliched story-line, I suppose you could still improve upon this and make it shine. Good luck.

~Gun

Dirk Embers · 07-17-2007, 08:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fossy

Sounds really interesting even though I don't normally read fantasy. The last paragraph I had to read twice tho', as it was confusing.

yea your right it is a little. I'll give it a rewrite. thanks alot for your time and input

Dirk Embers · 07-17-2007, 08:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GunslingersRequiem

Well, to be honest, I found it rather bland and cliched, simply because this kind of thing has been done time and time again. Dragons flying through the sky, yadda yadda yadda. However, you have not written much, and for all I know you could turn it into something completely different. My advice would be to do just that, or your credibility will fall miserably. Other than the things I saw in there, and the apparent cliched story-line, I suppose you could still improve upon this and make it shine. Good luck.

~Gun

well i did ask for an opinion on the idea I suppose. lol. but yea my books rarely end up how they start of. The idea has been done alot but I think its because it is a good idea. plus, im kinda aiming this at an established teenage market for once. thankyou for your time tho. and i will heed your words and try and make it al little more spectacular

GunslingersRequiem · 07-17-2007, 08:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dirk Embers

well i did ask for an opinion on the idea I suppose. lol. but yea my books rarely end up how they start of. The idea has been done alot but I think its because it is a good idea. plus, im kinda aiming this at an established teenage market for once. thankyou for your time tho. and i will heed your words and try and make it al little more spectacular

As I said, I don't have much of a right to judge only from this small part, so there's a lot of ways you could change this plot element to fit your own means. Hopefully, you will do so, and this will become a strong piece of work that you will continue faithfully.