Saving Reins -Post 1- (comments please) - Writers Forum

Pistos <>< · 07-13-2007, 02:51 AM

Chapter 1

“Becka! Becka come on!”
“Leave me alone!”

A flashing image of a horse galloped through the thick forest, darting around trees and over logs. With every labored breath, water sprayed from its nose and sweat flew from its body. Despite its increasing exhaustion, the horse pressed on, never breaking its gallop. The rider was barely visible above the animal, leaning so close to the saddle that there was no distinction between where the horse ended and the rider began. They were one.
With one swift movement they burst from the trees and into a valley, increasing their speed. The pure white body of the horse contrasted with the lush grass creating a distinct streak of white. They ran through the valley and gained momentum for the upward curve ahead. The rider’s skinny arms clutched tighter around the horse’s neck. The horse’s hooves splashed through the river at the bottom of the hill directly in front of them. The horse lurched forward as one last opportunity to gain enough speed to reach the peak. The couple seemed to be racing the rolling rain clouds above. Once at the top of the hill the horse turned suddenly and halted to a stop, its white body contrasting with the black sky.
Instead of dismounting, sixteen-year old Becka Dawson refused to let go of her horse. She clutched Shanati’s mane and buried her face deeper into his warm hair. His unusually clean mane soaked up her tears, but didn’t prevent more from falling. Thunder rumbled in the sky above. She ignored it and continued to lay flat across Shanati’s back. The horse remained still, sensing the emotions of the rider. Another tear slipped down Becka’s cheek. Shanati nickered softly and turned his hand so that he could see Becka. Although it was a stretch, he managed to nuzzle her skinny arm that was dangling down around his neck. It was as if he was trying to offer her comfort. Becka tried to laugh but it came out a pathetic sob.
We must be a sight. She thought, imagining how they must look. A sixteen year-old girl with natty hair, sunken eyes, and a broken spirit, grasping a horse such as this. She pulled her face from the horses’ warm neck and in one swift movement slid down from the bare back. She had not bothered to get a saddle. She had always liked it better without one.
As soon as she landed on the ground, Shanati turned to her and nuzzled her in the back, his unintentional strength throwing her off balance. She took a step back, admiring him. He was a magnificent horse. He was standing like a true guardian- head held high, shoulders squared, ears up and alert. No one would have ever guessed what he had been through…not two months before. Then again, Becka thought, no one would be able to guess what I have been through. All the things I’ve-
She tried to stop there.
She didn’t want to think about it.
She hoped if she never thought of the past and never mentioned it to anyone, it would just go away. Disappear. But the memories would still come back to haunt her, every time worse than before. They were coming back now, she could feel it.
She needed at distraction. Something. Anything.
She turned back, silently pleading with the woods to make some sort of noise, to somehow distract her from the memories. The woods grew, if possible, even more silent. Shanati turned his head gracefully towards her, looking at her with knowing eyes.
The silence was consuming her. It soundlessly screamed at her, creating a high pitched ringing in her ears.
The memories were coming. Becka could hear voices, faint but growing louder.

“You promise me you will never leave?”
“ I promise.”
Becka covered her ears and fell to her knees.
“Please stop, please stop, please stop.” She repeated. But the memories paid no heed.
“Are mom and dad gonna make you go away Bec?”
“I dunno Sara. I just don’t know.”
A white flash blinded Becka despite the darkness of the wood around her.
“You gonna go get ‘religious’ and join the God squad Becka?”
“No.”
“Good. I knew you were smarter then that. People just create God to make them feel better and make their problems non-existent.”
“I know.”
“Don’t you ever become one of those.”
“I wont.”
“I wont. I wont.” Becka found herself repeating the words.
She was slipping, deeper and deeper into despair. She wanted so badly to let it out but knew the consequences could be disastrous. Every time she had reached for help she had been rejected or betrayed. She couldn’t let it happen. Not again.
The voices were growing louder again, the haunting memories becoming clearer.
A wet nose on her neck awoke her from the nightmare. She looked up to see the white face of her guardian. Shanati’s eyes told all.
He knew.
He knew the pain, the rejection, the hopelessness.
In his eyes was a soft compassion Becka had never seen in a person. No judgment. No criticism. Just love.
He loved her.
They shared the bond of pain.
He wanted her to tell him. To let it out.
“It’s so hard.” She said, taking the Shanati’s nose in her two hands and rubbing it, never taking her gaze off the horse’s eyes.
“I just want it to go away. Forget and move on.” A single tear trailed down her cheek. She wiped it away quickly with her sleeve. “If only it were that easy.”
Shanati nudged her again and let out a snort. Becka scanned the horizon and located the long wood fences encircling a large wood building. The Ranch of Shattered Hopes Redeemed. She should go back. But she wasn’t ready to.
What’s the point? Becka thought. She closed her eyes and breathed in deeply.
“Can you keep a secret?”

raven hope · 07-13-2007, 10:24 PM

A couple of grammar mistakes here and there...but otherwise it's fine. And please do something to your paragraphing...I'm cross-eyed right now. I will post up my comments some other time. However, you have some real potential. Keep it up.

Fossy · 07-13-2007, 11:27 PM

Nice descriptions of the horse, without humanizing him, which some do.

A potentially great story, I'd like to read the rest. I also want to know the reason for their pain.

Well done.

Pistos <>< · 07-15-2007, 09:45 PM

Thanks for the comments guys. I really appriciate any constructive critism.
I will try to post more soon.

Knocking · 07-15-2007, 10:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pistos <><

Chapter 1

“Becka! Becka come on!”
“Leave me alone!”

A flashing image of a horse galloped through the thick forest, darting around trees and over logs. With every labored breath, water sprayed from its nose and sweat flew from its body. Despite its increasing exhaustion, the horse pressed on, never breaking its gallop. The rider was barely visible above the animal, leaning so close to the saddle that there was no distinction between where the horse ended and the rider began. They were one.
With one swift movement they burst from the trees and into a valley, increasing their speed. The pure white body of the horse contrasted with the lush grass creating a distinct streak of white. They ran through the valley and gained momentum for the upward curve ahead. The rider’s skinny arms clutched tighter around the horse’s neck. The horse’s hooves splashed through the river at the bottom of the hill directly in front of them. The horse lurched forward as one last opportunity to gain enough speed to reach the peak(this needs a verb, or change "as"). The couple seemed to be racing the rolling rain clouds above. Once at the top of the hill the horse turned suddenly and halted to a stop, its white body contrasting(you've already talked about it's white body contrasting against the grass, try something new.) with the black sky.
Instead of dismounting, sixteen-year old Becka Dawson refused to let go of her horse. She clutched Shanati’s mane and buried her face deeper into his warm hair. His unusually clean mane soaked up her tears, but didn’t prevent more from falling. Thunder rumbled in the sky above. She ignored it and continued to lay flat across Shanati’s back. The horse remained still, sensing the emotions of the rider. Another tear slipped down Becka’s cheek. Shanati nickered softly and turned his hand so that he could see Becka. Although it was a stretch, he managed to nuzzle her skinny arm that was dangling down around his neck. It was as if he was trying to offer her comfort.(This is pretty clear already. Don't need it.) Becka tried to laugh but it came out a pathetic sob.
We must be a sight. She thought, imagining how they must look. A sixteen year-old girl with natty hair, sunken eyes, and a broken spirit, grasping a horse such as this. She pulled her face from the horses’(horse's) warm neck and in one swift movement slid down from the bare back. She had not bothered to get a saddle. She had always liked it better without one.
As soon as she landed on the ground, Shanati turned to her and nuzzled her in the back, his unintentional strength throwing her off balance. She took a step back, admiring him. He was a magnificent horse. He was standing like a true guardian- head held high, shoulders squared, ears up and alert. No one would have ever guessed what he had been through…not two months before. Then again, Becka thought, no one would be able to guess what I have been through. All the things I’ve-
She tried to stop there.
She didn’t want to think about it.
She hoped if she never thought of the past and never mentioned it to anyone, it would just go away. Disappear. But the memories would still come back to haunt her, every time worse than before. They were coming back now, she could feel it.
She needed at distraction. Something. Anything.
She turned back, silently pleading with the woods to make some sort of noise, to somehow distract her from the memories. The woods grew, if possible, even more silent. Shanati turned his head gracefully towards her, looking at her with knowing eyes.
The silence was consuming her. It soundlessly screamed at her, creating a high pitched ringing in her ears.
The memories were coming. Becka could hear voices, faint but growing louder.

“You promise me you will never leave?”
“ I promise.”
Becka covered her ears and fell to her knees.
“Please stop, please stop, please stop.” She repeated. But the memories paid no heed.
“Are mom and dad gonna make you go away Bec?”
“I dunno Sara. I just don’t know.”
A white flash blinded Becka despite the darkness of the wood around her.
“You gonna go get ‘religious’ and join the God squad Becka?”
“No.”
“Good. I knew you were smarter then that. People just create God to make them feel better and make their problems non-existent.”
“I know.”
“Don’t you ever become one of those.”
“I wont.”
“I wont. I wont.” Becka found herself repeating the words.
She was slipping, deeper and deeper into despair. She wanted so badly to let it out but knew the consequences could be disastrous. Every time she had reached for help she had been rejected or betrayed. She couldn’t let it happen. Not again.
The voices were growing louder again, the haunting memories becoming clearer.
A wet nose on her neck awoke her from the nightmare. She looked up to see the white face of her guardian. Shanati’s eyes told all.
He knew.
He knew the pain, the rejection, the hopelessness.
In his eyes was a soft compassion Becka had never seen in a person. No judgment. No criticism. Just love.
He loved her.
They shared the bond of pain.
He wanted her to tell him. To let it out.
“It’s so hard.” She said, taking the Shanati’s nose in her two hands and rubbing it, never taking her gaze off the horse’s eyes.
“I just want it to go away. Forget and move on.” A single tear trailed down her cheek. She wiped it away quickly with her sleeve. “If only it were that easy.”
Shanati nudged her again and let out a snort. Becka scanned the horizon and located the long wood fences encircling a large wood building. The Ranch of Shattered Hopes Redeemed. She should go back. But she wasn’t ready to.
What’s the point? Becka thought. She closed her eyes and breathed in deeply.
“Can you keep a secret?”

I like this very much. Keep writing and posting!

Johnna · 07-15-2007, 11:18 PM

Good writing, good potential story. I didn't notice any grammar mistakes, oddly enough (but I wasn't really looking). Anyway I'd definitely read more. Keep up the good work.

Pistos <>< · 07-19-2007, 02:37 AM

Pistos <>< · 07-19-2007, 02:38 AM

Thank you all for your comments. They were really helpful.
Here is the next part. Please keep the comments coming if you have time...

---

Shanati nudged her again and let out a snort. Becka scanned the horizon and located the long wood fences encircling a large wood building. The Ranch of Shattered Hopes Redeemed. She should go back. But she wasn’t ready to.
What’s the point? Becka thought. She closed her eyes and breathed in deeply.
“Can you keep a secret?”

“Well, It depends on the secret. Becka?”
No answer.
A blank expression masked her true feelings as Becka only stared at the woman before her. A concerned look was not one that suited twenty-two year old Emma Baker. In fact, Becka had only rarely seen Emma like this. Her short blonde was roughly pushed behind her ears as if she had done it quickly and unconcernedly. Black encircled her tired pale blue eyes, revealing her lack of sleep in the last week. She leaned forward on the table, hands folded, resting gently on her chin. She possessed an utter calm in the midst of the emotion that was flooding Becka’s thoughts. Becka broke eye contact with Emma and tried to imagine what she was thinking. Would she really understand if Becka told her the blunt and deep down honest truth?
“Becka, why won’t you let me help you?” There was a sense of frustration in Emma’s voice. Emma reached over and took a hold of Becka’s hand. She lowered her head and tried to look Becka in the eye. Becka turned and pulled her hand from Emma’s grasp.
“How could you? You don’t understand.” Becka let out a defeated sigh. “No one does.”
“Yea, I know you believe that…” began Emma, making sure to maintain a calm composure. “But that doesn’t make it true now does it.” She offered a sympathetic smile that Becka returned with a determined stare at the table.
They sat in silence.
Becka kept her eyes concentrated on a small chip in the table. She didn’t know what she wanted to say. But she did know she hated the silence. Her mind was racing and the silence made it nearly impossible to ignore the increasing thoughts.
She looked up, making eye contact with Emma before quickly looking away. Emma remained perfectly still; as if sitting here was nothing awkward.
Finally, Becka sighed. There was just something in Emma’s eyes that made her feel safe. She could say anything and everything to her. She had no judgment. Although they had only met each other three months ago Emma had managed to gain Becka’s trust; not an easy thing to do. Becka could tell she loved her. Really loved her.
But why? Why would you want to care about me? It’s not like you have to.
Becka lifted her head but looked determinedly around the room. They were in the kitchen of the Ranch house. There was an open window to her left. A warm breeze whipped through the small opening and caused the curtains to effortlessly dance. The hand crafted wood table seemed oddly empty with only the two of them sitting at the end. It usually sat ten people. Becka’s eyes moved along the table and came to rest on two swinging wood doors. Behind them was the kitchen. Becka glanced up at the chandelier above them. It looked beautiful from a distance but once one took a closer look, they would find small shards of fake plexi-glass instead of real glass. When Becka had asked about it she had only gotten a sly smile with a simple “It looks nice. Who cares if it’s real or not?”
Emma’s voice spared Becka the task of finding something else in the kitchen to distract her.
“Do you want to tell me why you’re so angry? Or when this all started?”
“My mom said-” started Becka, but Emma interrupted her.
“No.” Her voice was firm. “I want to know what you think. Only you know how you are really feeling. Stop letting everyone else think and speak for you.”
Becka gave Emma a stern glare, At least I don’t believe in God because someone told me he’s there or because some book says he’s real!! She fought the urge to actually say it out loud to Emma.
“I can think for myself Emma!” Becka said angrily. Emma looked taken aback.
“Sorry.” She muttered quietly, “I didn’t mean…” She trailed off and they were again left in silence.
Becka glanced around the room nervously, searching for an escape from the conversation. Finding nothing, she turned back and continued, trying hard to keep her eyes from tearing,
“And what if all I know is just what someone else has told me?”

SilverShade · 07-19-2007, 03:12 AM

This is really interesting. I love the setting and I'm intrigued by Becka. I could get really picky and study your sentences, but I think you can probably do a lot of that on your own. I'm just looking forward to watching how these secrets unfold.

raven hope · 07-19-2007, 08:05 PM

I like this...the flow is smooth, and the characters' dialogues really raise curiousity in me. More please!

dbay2006 · 07-23-2007, 07:25 AM

Very intruiging. I like the conflict. The man vs. spirituality, with just a hint of nature makes for a great hook. I have not spent much time around horses so I cannot comment on your description, but it makes me picture a white horse, which I believe was your goal. Very good.