How He Sees (Fantasy) - Writers Forum

Johnna · 07-10-2007, 05:30 AM

This is set a short time after the end of my first novel. I couldn't resist writing this, because I love the character and I wanted to write about how he perceives the world. And it's not supposed to make complete sense because I'll probably write a follow-up to explain it better.

When he went blind, Herna didn't notice much of a difference at first. At that time, he was living well in Syf, the capital of Irys. He had rooms in the Bloodruby Palace, but slept outside in the desert or in the stables almost all of the time, for he was uncomfortable being boxed in. Lyim and Ith, his foster fathers, worried at first at his desire to live so far from civilization; they feared for his safety. However, when they realized that Herna was quite capable of protecting himself and that wild animals were unlikely to attack him anyway, they left be, insisting only that he report to them once a day so they knew he was alright.

He agreed, and after his fifth birthday, he lived in a desert cave a mile or so from the palace, checking in with Ith through their shared wind magic. He talked and lived with the creatures that shared the cave and reveled in being completely free for the first time. It wasn't until he felt himself becoming slightly homesick for his adopted family that he decided to return to the Palace for a visit.

As soon as he stepped onto the worked stones of the road that led to the Palace, he knew something was wrong. He could see the sands of the desert, the sky, and the sun quite clearly, but the road was like a blank spot on his vision. That patch of nothingness stretched away into the distance. Peering to the end of the road where he knew the Palace was, Herna saw a huge blot of that horrible void, blocking out the sky and sea behind it.

He panicked for the first and only time in his short life and sent a frantic message to Ith on a hard burst of wind. It was maybe ten minutes before Ith was there, galloping down the path of emptiness towards Herna, mounted on a sturdy mare.

He dismounted and gathered the shaking boy into his arms, soothing him with soft, oddly maternal noises. Herna babbled on about nothingness, worrying Ith so that he lifted Herna up onto his saddle, climbing up behind him and nudging the horse into a trot.

The child clung to the soft, comforting mane of the mare, who whickered in concern. She urged him to hide his face from what scared him, and he did just that, closing his eyes against the void of the road and the looming palace.

Herna whimpered when Ith lifted him away from the safety of the horse's back, and clung to Ith's tunic in fear, eyes still closed. He knew that they were within the Palace now and that, if he looked, he would be surrounded by blankness.

Ith carried him to his room and tucked him firmly into bed, sitting next to him and smoothing his tangled brown locks back from his forehead. Herna tentatively opened his eyes and his pulse quickened in response to that terrible nothing. The vacancy engulfed him; the only thing he could see was Ith, whose dark fingers he held fast in his small hands.

Lyim arrived soon after and sat on the opposite side of the bed. Ith withdrew his hands and Lyim's fingers were cool on Herna's closed eyelids. The fluid healing of Lyim's magic flowed through Herna, calming him, and he felt Lyim casting a sleep spell on him. He let it wash over him without resistance. The last thing he heard was Lyim and Ith conversing urgently in hushed tones.

When he awoke, he was outside in a shallow valley that rested between two dunes. To his immense relief, he could see again. There were no blind spots in sight. He looked around in confusion; Lyim and Ith were there, but for some reason, so was Ayni, who was Lyim's sister and Imperial Healer for the Palace.

She knelt in front of Herna and took him gently by the shoulders. He listened as she explained that he had been blinded. He didn't really understand why or what had done this to him, and he couldn't help but tune out the medical jargon she was spewing at him.

"But I can still see," he protested when she stopped for a breath. He saw the adults glance at each other, and then Ayni looked back at him.

"No, Herna, baby, you can't," she said. Confusion was evident in her voice, and Herna cocked his head to the side.

"Sure I can," he said. Pointing to them in turn, he told her the exact positions of Lyim, Ith, and various cacti and rocks. He felt bafflement emanating from each of the adults, and that confused him in turn. "What's... What's wrong?" he asked.

"Your eyes aren't working anymore," Ayni insisted. "How are you seeing?" Herna didn't question her knowledge of his body; besides Lyim, she was the best healer in the country.

As Ayni regarded him strangely, Herna had a sudden burst of inspiration. He closed his eyes firmly and giggled softly. "It's nothing to do with my eyes," he told Ayni. Indeed, whether his eyes were open or closed didn't matter; he saw equally well either way. Habit, however, forced him to open his eyes and turn them to Ayni.

She flinched a little, and Herna blinked in confusion. "Ayni?" he asked.

"Sorry, baby," she said softly. "Your eyes... They're unnerving. So pale. It must be all the magic in you; they say that, the more magic you have, the lighter your eyes are. You're like nothing I've ever seen, child."

It wasn't long after that that the adults left him there in the desert to continue living as he had, looking after himself. He assured them bravely that he would be fine on his own, and Ith promised he would visit often. Then they rode away.

Herna sat down at the peak of a dune and drew his knees to his chest, resting his chin on them. He watched his adoptive family as they rode away, and even when they were far out of normal eyeshot, he felt their movements through the desert.

He loved being in the desert, because he was never really alone. There were all kinds of animals and when even they were absent, Herna felt at peace surrounded by earth and air and the blue, crackling energy he could see moving through everything.

However, at that moment, he felt alone, for it was then that he knew that there was no man like him in the world and there never would be.

Thanks for reading.

mashowasho · 07-10-2007, 06:41 PM

Cool... so he has supervision now or something?
There were a few minor issues, but overall it was competent. Keep on posting!

DreadHead · 07-11-2007, 11:59 AM

i thought that was really good. post up some more. good work

DreadHead · 07-11-2007, 11:59 AM

i thought that was really good. post up some more. good work

Johnna · 07-11-2007, 05:59 PM

I'm definitely not as pleased with this one as with the first, but... Oh well.

Herna was asked to teach at the Western University of Magic when he was only fifteen years old. He accepted readily, glad that he would have something constructive to do with himself. He didn't realize at the time that most of the teachers were twice his age or more, and that he was younger than the average pupil.

Despite his age, Herna had long since mastered his inborn magic. It came easily to him, and he was the strongest mage in Irys by the time he was thirteen. He had learned from the finest teachers in the country, namely, his foster family (which included the Empress herself, who taught him fire magic). He had spent some time at the Mages' Haven in east Irys when he was fourteen, but he had already surpassed everyone there, including the professors. He moved on then, and eventually found himself at the Western University, and more specifically, in charge of teaching advanced earth magic.

However, to his vexation, his students didn't seem to realize that he was to be their teacher. They chatted amongst themselves, laughing and speculating about their new class. Herna surveyed them coolly for a moment, then shook his head irritably and said, "Fall into four lines, students, and we'll begin."

They turned to stare at him, teenagers all, and older than him. How ever was he supposed to get them to listen to him?

Indeed, they turned back to what they were doing, ignoring the boy child who played at being teacher. Herna tried calling them to order twice more, and then began to get fed up.

Taking a deep breath, he reached for his earth magic. Moments later, a pillar of solid rock shot up under his feet, raising him so he could see the students. They turned to look at him again, and he fed still more magic into the ground. With his magic, he twisted the nature of the dirt they stood on.

Shrieks filled the air as the students realized that what they thought was solid rock and dirt suddenly turned into a gigantic sinkhole. Herna waited until all of them had sunk into the ground up to their knees before letting the earth flow back into its natural, solid self.

This, of course, resulted in mage students stuck thigh-deep in solid dirt. They were silent until one young woman said irritably, "What's the big idea, kid?"

"That would be Professor," Herna corrected gently. "First lesson: Get yourselves out of the ground. It should be easy; this is an advanced class, is it not?"

Despite Herna's expectations, the most any of the mage students managed to do was wriggle around a bit at first. Herna worried that he might have set his expectations a little too high for a first class, but his nervousness was assuaged when the mage who had spoken managed to free herself and step onto solid, level ground once more.

She walked over to Herna's pedestal, where he sat calmly watching the other mages, head cocked to the side.

"Hey," she said. Her tone was grudgingly respectful, not angry as he had expected. "Professor Kid. How'd you make the ground turn into quicksand? I never seen nothing like it!"

"I'll be teaching you that as soon as the rest of your friends do as you have done." Herna inspected the girl. She had an earthy sort of prettiness, suitable, Herna thought, for an earth mage. "It wouldn't hurt to tell them how you did it. I'm getting sore sitting here waiting."

She cocked a brow at him and then walked over and knelt beside another student. Herna watched as she explained what she had done to free herself, and it wasn't long before the message was passed along and all of the students were out of the ground.

Herna pressed his palm flat to his pillar, which promptly sunk back into the ground; he got to his feet and dusted his hands off. He inspected the mages, who were now in four straight lines, looking at him curiously.

"Now," he said. "In this class you will be learning to manipulate the earth through your magic. Before now you've learned only to use your magic as a substitute for earth. This is more difficult. Here you learn to influence something that doesn't come from yourself. Earth is a separate entity; at the end of this course, hopefully, that won't be the case."

The mage students listened respectfully and did the exercises he set them. When the sun touched the horizon, Herna called an end to the class.

The students left the training ground, happily discussing the lesson. Herna didn't watch them go. Instead, he left the university grounds. He thought a walk in the desert might be nice.

He was barely ten feet away from the northern gate when a breathless voice said, "Professor!" It was the girl who had picked up on that first test quickest. He had learned during the lesson that her name was Rynati.

"Hello, Ryn," he greeted as she caught up with him. He kept up his measured pace; she fell into step with him.

"Where are you going?" she inquired.

"Walking."

"Whatever for?" she asked incredulously. "It's after sundown... Isn't it dangerous?"

"Nothing is dangerous for me," he informed her. They walked in silence for a while after that, Herna leading the way.

They reached a tiny oasis two miles away from the university. Herna rested a hand on the trunk of a small tree that grew there, sighing as the life in it mingled with the life in him.

"How is it that you're a teacher so young?" Ryn asked abruptly, pulling Herna's mind away from the tree.

"I've mastered my magics," he said simply.

"You've mixed magics?"

"I was born with the ability to do every type of magic." The look on her face—startled and incredulous—stung a little, and reminded him yet again of how different he was. He turned his back, but it didn't help. The wind brushed across her face, and his connection to the natural elements of the world let him "see" clearly whatever the wind touched.

Though she moved silently, Herna was not in the least surprised when her hand rested lightly on his shoulder. "You're not that different," she said quietly.

"You have no idea," he told her calmly. There is no one like me, he thought, but he didn't say that.

"Herna," she said. The use of his name surprised him somewhat—where had she learned it?—and he turned his head to look at her.

She startled him by moving forward and kissing him timidly. It was chaste, but it was Herna's first. Thoughts ran through his mind; he had never been so flustered, and it was not unpleasant.

He pushed away, however, his back rigid and his face set. Widening his eyes so she could not miss the eerie whiteness of them, even in the darkness, he said, "Go back now. It will be curfew soon."

"I didn't—" She backed up, and he felt heat radiating from her face as she blushed. "Herna, you're just so—"

"It's Professor." Herna narrowed his eyes. "Get out of here, now."

She obeyed, fleeing quickly, and her embarrassment was like a perfume, trailing after her.

When she was safely inside the university walls, Herna turned his gaze to the oasis again.

His heart leapt with regret, but he decided then and there that he would never become involved with a woman. He couldn't bear to pass on the loneliness that resided in him. If a girl became involved with him, well, she would only condemn herself.

Thanks for reading.

Johnna · 07-14-2007, 12:08 AM

No comments on this?

raven hope · 07-14-2007, 12:26 AM

The first few paragraph was a let-down...I don't have the feeling to read on further. I mean, you are practically drooning on about the story, you know what I mean? Though the ending was quite good that it aroused a slight curiousity in me, but there's a lot of repetiton in the story (sorry I can't point out a few because my eyes were nearly closed). Please do work on your beginning.

Johnna · 07-14-2007, 12:32 AM

Reading back, the beginning is pretty slow. I'll work on it. Thanks.

raven hope · 07-14-2007, 12:54 AM

anyway, thumbs up for your first part (the first post).

Johnna · 07-14-2007, 12:59 AM

Thanks.

Johnna · 07-14-2007, 11:15 PM

Here's another little scene... I'm thinking of going back and combining these three pieces and some others to make some sort of plot. I like writing little scenes from his point of view, but there has to be some kind of story going on. I'm going to work on it.

Anyway, this is set five years after the previous one when Herna is 20.

Herna lay sprawled on his back in the desert; the sun was an oppressive force from above that distracted him slightly as he did his best to become one with the earth.

He spread his senses through the ground, taking heart in the peace and serenity of the desert. He was relaxing just enough that he might have fallen asleep if footsteps hadn't woken him from his trance.

The footsteps were maybe a mile away; Herna was sensing them through his the ground. With an annoyed growl, he opened his eyes, scowling. Next time, he decided, he would go ten miles away from any kind of civilization. Then maybe no one would bother him.

With a sigh, he got to his feet. Shoving his hands in his pockets, he began to walk toward the Bloodruby Palace, his bare feet sinking into the sand with every step. As he walked, he wondered who was up and walking at this time of day in the summer.

The footsteps were coming closer, and the wind began to bring small bits of an image to him; pale blonde beaded braids, booted feet, a short sword with a pommel that was the symbol of water. Herna recognized this man, and he sped up a little bit.

He met Lyim a half a mile from the Palace. Doing his best not to look at the blind spot that was the palace and the road, he waited for Lyim to say something.

"Can we walk?" Lyim asked gruffly. Herna nodded and headed east.

It was an easy stroll to the beach. Herna examined Lyim as they walked.

Normally, Lyim walked straight and proud, but today his head was down, his hands shoved in his pockets. Herna felt exhaustion coming off of him in waves.

As soon as they reached the shore, Lyim waded into the water up to his thighs. Herna watched in interest as he knelt and submerged himself; when he emerged, he shook his head, causing tiny sparkling water droplets to fly everywhere.

"Lyim," Herna called. Lyim glanced around beckoned. Herna unhesitatingly joined him in the surf. Despite the fact that the sun refused to burn him like it did others, the cold water still felt nice on his legs.

"So I wanted a visit," Lyim said. Herna privately thought it was a feeble reason to walk in the blistering sun, but he didn't say so. He simply waited for Lyim to tell him the real reason he needed to speak with Herna.

Sure enough, not five minutes passed before Lyim said quietly, "I just needed to get out of the Palace."

Herna remained silent. He had learned throughout his life that if someone needed to talk, they responded best to silence.

"Ith is just being such a... such an arse," Lyim said. Herna raised a brow at that. Lyim usually thought of better insults. "He just... never listens to a word I say." Lyim sighed and raised a hand. A tiny ball of water sat in his palm, and he began to toss it up and down, his magic making it keep a spherical shape.

"Did you tell him that?" Herna asked, examining the spell Lyim was using. A moment later he got it and copied what Lyim was doing.

"Well—no," Lyim admitted. "He wouldn't hear me anyway. And he wonders why I raise my voice at him. He never hears me." He clenched his fist and watched the water ball lose its shape and trickle through his fingers. "Anyway, I'm sorry. I shouldn't be talking about this to you."

"You don't need to apologize," Herna informed him.

"It's just—you've told me before that Ith and I are like parents to you. It's—weird, talking to someone who could almost be my son—asking advice." Lyim turned away, sighing.

Herna reached out and closed his fingers around Lyim's wrist. "All you have to do is talk to him," he informed the older man. "I know him, and I know you. He'll listen. And—I'd hate to see you two apart any longer."

"Thanks, Herna," Lyim growled. Herna let him go, and he said, "I'd best be getting home. I've got work to do. It was good to see you."

Lyim made his way up the beach and back into the desert, making his way back to the road that led to the Palace. Herna watched him go, eyes closed, and shook his head.

He walked north along the beach, sighing. It seemed that everyone always brought their problems to him. He didn't mind much, but sometimes it was tiring being the one giving advice.

The thing was, he could never talk about himself with someone else, not even Lyim or Ith. Hew was so undeniably different that they wouldn't understand a thing he said. He didn't physically see the world like others, and his mind certainly worked differently. If he tried to explain to someone else how it felt to be constantly connected and in tune with every part of the earth within Irys, he would go mad. There was simply no way to explain that he felt the death of every animal in the desert, the thirst of every human, the thoughts of every single being in the desert.

He knew that he wasn't entirely human, and had come to terms with that years ago. He felt some kind of entity inside of him that had nothing to do with humanity. It enabled him to see without eyes, to know what was happening hundreds of miles away.

He had gotten used to it, but the suffocating loneliness of it caught up with him sometimes. And still, he didn't understand that. He spoke with the earth; he knew the language of beasts and the few rare plants, but still, he was alone. No creature could understand Herna, and he knew none ever would.

Sitting down on the beach, Herna gazed out over the setting sun. Ethereal energy that wasn't entirely part of this world sparked off the water where the sun touched it, and he smiled a little bit. Even if he had no one, he reflected, he still had this beauty, and no one else in the world had the ability to see it.

Thanks for reading.

raven hope · 07-15-2007, 12:12 AM

The first two paragraph really catch my attention, though you somehow slowed down in the third and fourth. But on the whole, it's really well-written.

Renos Babe · 07-25-2007, 06:02 AM

I agree with Raven, the first post was really good, the second part slightly dissapointing, the first part of the third post was good but the second part seemed to slow down.

Mystery · 07-25-2007, 09:19 AM

Only one real problem is that you try to jumble up your sentences a bit too much at parts, at it ends up not making sense.

"Herna was quite capable of protecting himself and that wild animals were unlikely to attack him anyway, they left be, insisting only that he report to them once a day so they knew he was alright."

There is no such thing as "they left be", there is 'they let it be' or 'they let it be so' and such, but 'they left be' while slightly coherent doesn't exist. "They left HIM/IT" be does.

It's stuff like that that made it a bit hard to read. I didn't find the second part to slow down however, the start was fast but the rest flowed along smoothly.

SecretSam · 07-25-2007, 09:29 AM

This would be better if you eased the reader into your world a little slower. I feel like I am drowning when I start to read fantasy that's world's contents are exposed too quickly. Its just unfamilar to the rest of us. You need to earn the right for us to enjoy and actually want to stay in your world. Does this make sense?

Start off with pure character. Bring us into the story. We don't need to know all the "facts" all at once. History is good but use it as a touch up brush not a paint roller.