Science-Fiction - Writers Forum

Storm Eagle · 07-09-2007, 09:34 PM

Don't exactly know what to name yet; heck, i have no idea where the story is going! It is kinda interesting if you ask me. HARSH reviews, please.

Karn Jussuss walked around the ruined buildings of New York City. He carried a M16 with him, and had his finger on the trigger, cautiously surveying the surrounding ruins. He stood in what used to be Times Square, now just a place with ruined and torn-up cars and papers flying on the wind. Karn then heard a piece of metal dropping, and he turned around. He saw nothing, just the road leading through New York. He looked up, and saw dark, grey skies; clouds’ looking like it was going to rain soon. That was good for him, he thought, they don’t like the rain. He then heard the same sound again, but this time he slowly turned and saw one little robot with ten little spider legs and a blue light; looking straight at him. Karn pointed his M16 up at the robot and began to shoot. The robot immediately ran at the sound of gunfire, and Karn followed it. The robot obviously new the city layouts; it had Karn winding around buildings in alleys and having to run as fast as he could just to keep up with the thing. The robot stopped at the Empire State Building, or what was left of the large skyscraper, and turned to face Karn. He began to shoot at the thing, which dodged the bullet with lightning-fast reflexes. It then jumped up, grabbed Karn’s gun, and stood on two hind legs to point the M16 at Karn. He looked on in amazement and slowly reached for the 12-gauge shotgun strapped to his back. The robot pointed his blue “eye” at the hand reaching for the shotgun. Karn immediately grabbed the shotgun, fired it, and pumped it in one sweeping motion. The robot had no time to react, and took the onslaught of the spread shot. Chips of its “face” were blown apart, leaving a tangled mess of wires and steel. Karn ran over and grabbed his M16, and immediately started running back to headquarters.

Winding through the rubble and huge, charred bricks of cement in New York’s alleyways took Karn time, time he didn’t have. He could hear the clicking and beeping of their language, but all Karn could do was keep running. His long, brown hair waved into his eyesight with the constant bobbing of his head. His side began to develop and ache, and Karn slowed until he put a hand against a nearby light post, bent over and began to breathe heavily. The sound of footsteps soon surrounded him and he grabbed his pistol, drawing the weapon out of its holster, and aiming it at the shadowy figure. The man immediately grabbed the gun and twisted it out of Karn’s hands, and pointed the pistol directly at Karn.

“What are you doing here, Karn?” asked a familiar voice, and he lifted his gas mask. The man under the mask was Sgt. Sydor, a man who kept a close eye on his small yet effective group of men. “Karn, what happened? You didn’t check in over the short-wave, and we looked near the designated area. What happened man?” Breathing heavily still, Karn got up, using the lamp post as his support. He took in one deep breath before beginning to tell his story.

“Sir, I was searching the city for the Empire State ruins. I heard it was some kind of hideout was made underneath the ruins. I’m starting to think that rumor is true. When I started shooting at a robot, just a small scout droid, but the thing ran. I didn’t want them to know we were in the city, so I followed. The damn thing stole my M16, but I pulled out my 12-gauge and murdered it. Then I ran back, hearing their language, and stopped here. So here we are, you pointing a pistol-my pistol, to be exact- telling you the reason why I pulled out a gun on you and didn’t check in and all that fun shit.” Sgt. Sydor immediately, after hearing his story, gave Karn the pistol back. Karn, wearing normal street clothes, looking like an uneducated civilian compared to Sgt. Sydor’s fully clothed military getup.

“Well, that’s quite a story there, Karn. You’ll have to file paperwork on that, though, once we get back to the base. We have to get back through the gateway quick; we are starting to pick up EM signs about a good 100 miles out of the gateway hookup.” With that being said, the men both began running in the general direction of their designated area for meeting each other. The men both c picked up a radio and called the other men in the small squad and telling them to get back into the combat jeep.

Karn and Sgt. Sydor both got there quite quickly, and hopped into the jeep to get back to the gateway hookup. They drove a good fifty miles outside the city before they got there, driving through the ruined countryside of Lower New York. They stopped at a small farmhouse, with a green, blinking light coming out of the barn. They drove the jeep through the old, rickety, wooden fence that marked the property line with the road, and drove straight into the barn. Karn was quickly typing a message of codes into the small laptop he carried, and they drove next to the small machine.

“Come on Karn! I am reading EM signatures just fifty miles out now! The rate their moving, they’ll but on our asses in little under and hour now!” screamed Sgt. Sydor, showing Karn the small handheld computer, with a radar and huge green blobs slowly moving towards the center.

“I know, sir! I’m almost done… Got it!” screamed Kane, and Sgt. Sydor moved the gear to reverse, backing up only far enough, and then driving straight into the machine. In an instant, a huge bright bulb flashed, and nothing that would suggest anybody was there in the past few hours remained except one small headlight from the Jeep.

*)(*

The EM signatures got there in a little under half an hour, considering the huge energy spike the bright flash made. The things were huge, making large footprints as they go. Once they got at the barn, they immediately ripped the barn up from its foundation, boards flying all over the weed-stricken pasture and nearby fields. Seeing nothing, they began to speak using English, showing no emotion at all.

“They have gone. The small humans have learned of our ability to transport large masses from one spot to the other. Do we know where the energy signature went?” said one, moving his metal jaw, his two bright, yellow eyes zooming in and out at a metallic robot standing next to him.

“I am sorry sir, we have no readings. They cloaked the signature. It would take years to figure out something this complex”-

‘WHAAT!!??? YOU MEAN THE EARTHLINGS HAVE GOTTEN SOMETHING BETTER THAN US SINCE THE COMING? YOU IMBECILE!!!!” The robot with yellow eyes immediately pulled a cannon out of his arm, and shot the metallic one with a large energy blast. “ANYONE ELSE WANNNA TEST ME!!??” all of the others immediately shook their heads, and began turning back. They yellow-eyed robot turned back to his metallic partner, and stomped his face into the ground, grinding the metallic steel to dust underneath his crushing weight.

Storm Eagle · 07-10-2007, 03:43 PM

next person who reads this please reply.. I don't want to be bumping my own thread just in order to post.

GunslingersRequiem · 07-11-2007, 12:22 AM

Well, as I started reading this, I didn't feel sucked into the story; as I continued, it felt as though I was being told in a simple tone that things were happening, but felt no connection to the events. Perhaps more description would help, perhaps from a panned camera view. What I mean by this is that instead of simply having your figurative camera pan around Karn, let it drift off every once in a while to include other elements. Mayhap things are going on behind him? Also, try to avoid quotation marks to signify things that aren't literal, but are compared to actual things, such as "eyes" and "face". Maybe it is just me, but it adds to that uncomfortable conversational tone, as if someone is in front of me doing twin bunny ears to identify the comparisons.

Other than that, the flow is pretty smooth, and I like the main character's name. Every time I read his name I hear this little thought in the back of my head: "No one here. Jus' us glowing eyes."

Storm Eagle · 07-19-2007, 06:02 PM

Update: I am almost done with the 2nd chapter. will be posting it probably either later today or tomorrow.

Captain Drake · 07-19-2007, 08:22 PM

Good so far. Has the same feel from my story which I love. the World at the edge of hell is always fun. Noticed a few errors in grammer and a few parts confused me.

But overall pretty good.

raven hope · 07-19-2007, 10:38 PM

*hahas* the last paragraph is, uh, funny and...nvm, I dunno how to put my feeling into words...
But your first paragraph is a total spoiler. *man, it's very wordy and black x_x cross-eyed* Actually, you could break it up into smaller parts. Same goes for the rest.

Storm Eagle · 07-21-2007, 01:40 PM

Here is the next chapter, chapter 1(first post was prologue)! I hope you enjoy it, and I do know it is rough around the edges. I'll edit it after I'm done posting the chaptes I wish to post here.. And, without further ado, Chapter 1!!!

1

Karn and his group appeared in a small steel room, a bright flash of light accompanying their arrival. The jeep had smashed into the steel wall and kept driving into it, making a large dent in the steel and the front of the jeep smashed up. Sgt. Sydor put the jeep into park, and they all got out, carrying their weapons. A large door opened as they got out, and a tall man in a suit walked in, waving to them.

“Mr. Frederick, what brings you here? You aren’t our administrator, nor are you supposed to be down here to welcome us.” Asked Sgt. Sydor and Mr. Frederick walked up to him.

“Sgt. Sydor and your men, there has been a development in the war. They’ve won. It’s done. They killed our main base’s power just over an hour, and we have seen fires coming from there. We need to escape before they find US.” Mr. Frederick said, pointing his head down. “God rest every single one of their souls. But we must leave, now! Get your men ready for transport!” Karn was looking at Mr. Frederick like a dog listens to a high-pitched sound, his face filled with wonder and question.

“Mr. Frederick?” asked Karn, grabbing the pistol at his knee.

“Yes boy? We must hurry, so if it can wait, it can wait.” Replied Mr. Frederick, and rose his hands up in the air from Karn pointing the gun at him.

“The General I know, he would never back down from a fight. Even if it was in the risk of losing millions, he would want to put on a last stand. So I have a question for you: When was your last oil change?” at the mention of the last words, Mr. Frederick and his men threw off their skin and showed themselves as robotic soldiers. Karn began firing his pistol, then grabbing his 12-gauge, pumping lead into them every second he could. The robot posing as Mr. Frederick had already been downed, and was twitching with wires cut up by the shotgun’s shell hanging out of his twisted off head. The other robots, however, decimated Karn’s squad. Sgt. Sydor and Karn were the only ones left, fighting the two bodyguards off.

“Karn! What the hell is the plan!?” screamed Sgt. Sydor, firing at the robot coming near him.

“I don’t know sir! I guess the base has been compromised! We have to go somewhere!” screamed back Karn, also firing at the robot coming near him. “Wait sir! Why not just teleport back to New York? We could investigate the Empire State Ruins!?”

“Alright Karn, but do it quick!” screamed Sgt. Sydor, jumping into the jeep. Karn jumped in a few seconds later, punching in a code on his PDA, and a bright flash of light consumed them.

Karn and Sgt. Sydor appeared in a large field of grass somewhere north of New York. They immediately began by taking the back roads into New York City in the jeep. They drove past the same things on their journey out; burned barns, destroyed highways, entire neighborhoods in rubble, and just a huge expanse of destruction. The closer they got to New York City, the more rubble they had to either drive over or swerve around. Karn grabbed the rifle out of the bottom of the seat and began aiming towards the road. It took them a little over an hour to get into the city. They immediately abandoned the jeep and grabbed any ammo they could out of the thing, Karn and Sgt. Sydor began walking with weapons in hand towards the ruined Empire State Building. What they were about to see was going to change the rest of humanity forever.

*)(*

Jen took her assault rifle and shot at the invading robots marching onto the base. Huge robot as tall as the sky lifted their feet as large as an army and smashed opposition on the ground. However, they did not care for any smaller robots on the ground as well, and normally crushed a few of their allies. Jen reached behind her and grabbed what looked like a harpoon gun, and aimed it at one of the larger robots. It was in fact a harpoon that shot out of the contraption; it hooked onto one of the loosely attached metal plates and hoisted her up near the robot. Jen then took a C-4 charge out of her backpack, and strapped it onto the robot. The robot had just began to notice what Jen was doing when she jumped off the robot into the air, looking as if she were leaping to her death, and remotely detonated the charge, blasting a huge hole in the sky scraping robot.

Jen was falling through the air, and hit the ground hard on her back. Stunned and in pain, she sat there for a while, grabbing her gun and fighting off any robot that came close to her. Another large explosion filled the air, and she got up, still in pain, and looked behind her. The base had burst into flames, and along with it there means of escape. A medic came over to her, and pointed a bright blue light at her back.

“Good, soldier. You can walk again. Now, we need to move out as far as humanly possible before nightfall. We are going to join up with a refugee camp north of here, near the ruins of Washington D.C. Are you up to it?” asked the medic, and Jen looked at his dog tags. Lt. Ben McAnderson. Jen nodded her head, and the medic ran ahead. Jen followed him as fast as she could, and blasted away any robots that came near her. After about a half-hour of trying to keep up to Lt. McAnderson, he stopped just outside the perimeter of the base, a large camp surrounding him.

“Miss,” he said, stretching his arms out and showing her the entire encampment, “This is humanity’s last hope for survival. We are called the Ameri-Cong, after the tactics the Vietcong used in the Vietnam War way back when. We use everything at our disposal to attempt to destroy the robotic invaders and anything we can learn about their technology. Let me be the first to welcome you, miss, to Operation: Destroy all Robots, or for short, O.D.A.R.

gary_wagner · 07-21-2007, 02:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Storm Eagle

HARSH reviews, please.

This isn't merely rough around the edges, it is nearly unreadable. Before you rush off to write more you might want to consider cleaning this up, formatting conversations in the conventional method using separate lines, spell check, and proofread for grammar problems.

Your conversations tend to carry on a little long-winded. You might want to shorten some of them, especially since they are supposed to be in the heat of battle.

You tell what's happening and continue on with "then, ". This almost always drags down a story.

The first few chapters of something should set up the story and get the reader ready for the main story. This seems to just jump into the middle of a story and doesn't seem to have any direction to it. Do you know where this story is going - start to finish, or are you making it up as you go along? If you are considering a multi-chapter story, you have to know where you are going and how you are going to get there.

This is worth working on, but it needs a whole lot of work. You might want to finely hone this before you tackle more and have to go back and fix them too.

Storm Eagle · 07-23-2007, 01:49 PM

I did spell check... what did you find wrong???

Also, I probably should've mentioned this earlier: this is a rough draft no editing. I will go back through and edit the first chapter, namely bceause I wrote it on a day I had gotten no sleep. i was also extremely tired... But that will go through the editing process right now so I can get at least a more polished version out to you guys. i am also working on Chapter 2.

This story is something where I am just writing as it comes to me, which i work best from. I also like to explain what the hell is going on during about mid beginning, once people know the characters... So, ya..

Raging_Hopeful · 07-23-2007, 02:27 PM

Grr...

Quote:

Also, I probably should've mentioned this earlier: this is a rough draft no editing.

I am of the opinion (and I'm sure many people will scream and disagree but so be it) that you should never EVER post work that has not been edited by YOU at least twice.

"Why?!" you might cry, "this is a place to improve my writing is it not?!"

Yes. But we are not editors and if you can't be bothered to care about presentation and about putting the best possible draft up for people to THEN edit and critique (because we all miss stuff and no one's perfect) then how on earth can you expect others to be bothered to care? It's your WRITING, your creation, your development!! How can you care so little?! I would be embarassed to post work that had not been combed through, simply because I want people to see my best and then grow from there. Having people edit your first draft only means you're lazy... and want other people to do it for you.

Again, I will add my disclaimer, as I always seem to have to when expressing this opinion:

This does not apply to inexperienced writers who have genuinely worked through their piece and are still learning basic mechanics. You know who you are. So if you DO review your work before posting, bravo. If you don't, then you should. And THEN post, because we want to see your very best!!

Keep writing and please, please keep editing!

Cheers,
Linz