Trapped Between Love And What I Was Made To Believe Was Love - Writers Forum

BabyFresh_06 · 06-22-2007, 05:10 PM

This story is written in 1st and 3rd person it's partially about my love life it was originally going to be called "Trapped In Between An Old Love And A New 1" but after what just happened yesterday I decided to change it to this. Hope you all enjoy.

Waking up with the light from the outside shining in my eyes I get ready for another day’s of hard work at the amusement park. I get up, still half asleep grab my clothes and stumble into the bathroom to get ready for work. About an hour and a half later I come out the bathroom by this time the whole house is awake.

“Treasure, come here for a minute” I hear my mother call in from the other room.

I go to see what she wants, it's probably the usual, her ice water so that she can get herself adjusted for work also.

“Yea” I answer to her, while walking in the room.

“Get me some ice water before you go” she said, sitting up on the edge of her bed and trying to get adjusted.

I walk out of her room I go to the kitchen and see one of my brother’s friends there already, getting himself some kool-aid from the night before.

“Getting ready for work, huh” said my brother's friend, Cyncere.

“Yea” I replied, while putting the ice-cubes in a cup.

“Man this kool-aid is off the chain” says Cyncere as he goes back to the refrigerator for some more, “Come on man, ain’t that much left. Oh well, somebody’ll make some more” he said. I walked past him with my mom’s ice water in hand.

When I came out of the room he was standing on the refrigerator. I just walked past him like I hadn’t notice him standing there.

“So are you going to make some more kool-aid or what? Because I really want some of your kool-aid”

“Umm I’m not your mom. You'd better go home if you want someone to make things for you.” With that said, Treasure walked out of the kitchen and into her brother’s room where he was listening to some beats that he made in the studio the day before.

“Hey lil sis” Zion said noticing that she was there “You should be getting ready to leave now, huh?” he asked.

“Yea but I wanted to stop in here first and tell you to drive me to work and you could keep my car for the day and only you Zion”

“All right thanks, the guys and I where coming up there anyways so I guess you can leave with us when we leave o.k.”

“O.k. then”

My brother drove me to work but, before I walked off I repeated what I had told him earlier about he was the only one allowed to drive my car.

“So you can’t say 'bye' to me” said Cyncere.

“Bye Cyncere” I said in a baby kind of way.

In the car with Cyncere and Zion.

“Man what’s up with you and my little sister?” questioned Zion to Cyncere.

“Nothing man, I just be playing with her” he said lying.

“Yea you better, cause if you get serious so will I”

ClancyBoy · 06-22-2007, 05:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BabyFresh_06

This story is written in 1st and 3rd person it's partially about my love life it was originally going to be called "Trapped In Between An Old Love And A New 1" but after what just happened yesterday I decided to change it to this. Hope you all enjoy.

Another day waking up to the sound of my alarm clock getting ready for another day’s of hard work at the amusement park. (sentence fragment, consider revising.) I get up, still half asleep, grab my clothes and stumble into the bathroom to get ready for work. About an hour and a half (later) I come out the bathroom by this time the whole house is awake.

“Treasure, come here for a minute” I hear my mother call in (from) the other room.

I go to see what she wants. It's probably the usual, her ice water so that she can get herself adjusted and get ready for work herself.

“Yea” I answer to her, while combing my hair.

“Get me some ice water before you get ready to go” (she's already getting ready, yes?) she said, while sitting up on the edge of her bed and trying to get adjusted.

When I walk out of her room I go to the kitchen and see one of my brother’s friend’s in there already, getting himself some of the kool-aid from the night before.

“Getting ready for work, huh” said Cyncere. (Cyncere is the friend?)

“Yea” I replied, to him while putting the ice-cubes into the (a) cup. (No cup has been established yet)

“Man this kool-aid on nook (on nook?)” says Cyncere as he goes back to the refrigerator for some more “Come on man, ain’t that much left. Oh well, somebody’ll make some more” he said. as I walked past him with my mom’s ice water in hand.

When I came out of the room he was standing on the refrigerator. I just walked past him like I didn’t notice (hadn't noticed) he was there.

“So are you going to make some more kool-aid or what? Because I really want some of your kool-aid”

“Umm I’m not your mom. You'd better go home if you want someone to make things for you.” With that said, Treasure walked out of the kitchen and into her brother’s room where he was listening to some beats that he made in the studio the day before.

“Hey lil sis” he (Cyncere?) said, noticing that she was in there “You should be getting ready to leave now, huh?” he asked (said. That wasn't really a question.)

“Yea but I wanted to stop in here first and tell you to drive me to work. You could keep my car for the day and only you Zion.” (what?)
“Alight (all right?) thanks, the guys and I where coming up there anyways, so I guess you can leave with us when we leave o.k?”

“O.k. then”

My brother drove me to work. Before he dropped me off and drove away, I repeated what I had told him earlier that day.
(sorry, I rewrote this.)

“So you can’t say 'bye' to me” said Cyncere.

“Bye Cyncere” I said in a funny way (what way is the funny way?)

In the car. (Is this a thought or stage directions?)

“Man, what’s up with you and my little sister?” questioned Zion to Cyncere. (what?)

“Nothing man, I just be playing with her” he said, lying.

“Yea you better, cause if you get serious so will I”

Red means delete, Green are suggestions, Purple means I'm confused.

Is this a romance? Are Cyncere and Treasure the same age?

BabyFresh_06 · 06-22-2007, 06:30 PM

o.k. im about 2 change it right away...is that right? To answer your question's it kind of a romance and no Cyncere and TReasure aren't the same age they're a year apart.

ClancyBoy · 06-22-2007, 10:57 PM

No no no, these are only my personal opinions. Whatever you think makes the best story.

I was curious because you said Cyncere was her brother's friend. I didn't know how old her brother was, so I pictured him as a 10 year old kid. Maybe you could be more specific?

BabyFresh_06 · 06-23-2007, 12:12 AM

well i changed it anyways because i think it did sound better like that...no they all are teenagers Cyncere(16 for now)Treasure(15 for now)Zion(1

Jolly McJollyson · 06-23-2007, 01:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BabyFresh_06

Waking up to the sound of my alarm clock

Start over. Try using a beginning that hasn't been done by every second-rate adolescent writer ever.

BabyFresh_06 · 06-23-2007, 01:45 AM

ok i will change that now