Adamboy

Hi everybody i am new to this forum and am in the process of writing a fantasy comedy novel. This is my introduction and would really appreciate it if you could read it and give me an opinion please.

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The sun rose in the west in Undlewair as the moon lowered beneath the horizon in the east; beams of light awoke the glorious nation of Undlewair and pissed off those who had been working nights. The dwarf Bingle had already been awake and was putting the saddle on his donkey Rambo ready for a day of hunting.
“You know Rambo, when I was younger the moon would always have been gone before the sun had risen, they are playing a game of cat and mouse. Eventually the sun will catch up with the moon and the they will emerge as one”
“ummmmmghhhhhh” replied Rambo as he chewed on some straw unconvinced.
Bingle climbed onto his donkey and set off across the plains in search of some Wild Cow.

Undlewair was a country of great importance, it was culturally diverse, economically brilliant, and was the centre of the World. Humans, elves, wizards, dwarves and stenches made up the population and they didn’t get on one bit. It consisted of kingdoms, villages and farmlands, all of which were self-governing and did not at this moment in time want war with any other lands.
Undlewair was wizard hat shaped with the pointy end in the north, and this is where our story begins. The north was mainly farmland and villages, and popular opinion suggested that the further north you got, the sh$tter it became. Unfortunately for Bingle, he lived very far north.

The great plains of the north were surrounded by forestland, villages in this part of the world were threatened by Wild Cow and the peasants lived their lives in fear. A loner named Bingle was one of the many peasants in this part of Undlewair and he spent his days hunting Wild Cow with his horse Rambo and his trusty axe. Bingle was an unusual dwarf, he preferred grassland to mountains, had a very short beard and liked fine wines and romantic novels. The villagers had an almost irrational hatred of Bingle, they accused him of being a witch and a heathen, and the Plains Messenger had even reported him to have stalked Mrs. Underwood.
“There’s one Rambo!” Shouted Bingle as a Wild Cow ran towards them from the top of a nearby hill. The Wild Cows were ferocious and stood six feet tall, when attacking they screamed like a banshee that would soil the pants of the bravest knights. This wouldn’t happen to Bingle however… he didn’t wear pants.

With quick precision Bingle launched two throwing axes from either hand, the axes span at lighting speed and hit the wild cow in the side at the exact same time, the Wild Cow fell to the ground whimpering and in that moment Rambo collapsed on the floor whilst Bingle fainted.

Paige Turner

i read this mainly because you said it was a comedy. and i can see where it's headed that way. you talked about Bingle rather extensively in the first two paragraphs, then you introduced him in the third. am i mistaken? possibly it's supposed to be that way, but it threw me off.
i like how you describe the coming and going of the sun and moon.
when you said they were about to take off in search of some Wild Cow, i thought you meant some wild cow that was out there being wild, as in singular. and in the last paragraph, you failed to cap wild cow. I'd fix that. (i'm terrible about not capping letters, but i'm not the one writing.)
also, and this is a real story stopper, you said rambo collapsed on the floor. ?? weren't they outside?
easily fixed though. i think you seem to know your funny stuff.

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i thank You God for most this amazing
day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

ClancyBoy

I think the name Rambo might be copyrighted.

Adamboy

Thanks Paige Turner I guess i should pay real atttention to the little details.
I kind of liked that structure personally, i felt it made things move a little faster. But i'm willing to listen to any advice and am very greatful. It annoys me when people put their novels on websites like this because they want a pat on the back and aren't prepared to take no criticism; so please feel free to rip it to shreads.

I started writing because i'm 18 and finished my A-Levels yesterday and wanted something to do for the next few months really.

That's a shame that Rambo is copyrighted, it's amazing really because eventually everyword will be copyrighed .

Also, i'm aware it is in a similar genre to the Terry Pratchett books, do you think this could be accused of being a copy of his work? I've only read the colour of magic and that was years ago so i'm not actually trying to imitate him i just liked the idea of a dwarf from the north (because it ryhmed ) and then made it into a comedy (or atleast i was trying to be funny).

Thanks guys.

Adamboy

Does anybody else have any comments it would be greatly appreciated?

Knocking

Interesting story. Some things, such as the people calling Bingle a heathen could be shown to us instead of told. I like the bits of humor, as well as the name choices. You've caught my attention with the last part, keep writing and posting!

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"We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for."

--John Keating, Dead Poets Society

Adamboy

Wow that's great thankyou 'Knocking'. I didn't realise i made so many mistakes. The occasional swear word was in one sense for humour value and to contrast against the beautiful description. Stenches is a race of creature i intend to invent and include in this story, but i see what you mean it doens't make much sense if i don't explain it to well.

Thanks very much i'll definately revise it.

Voodoo

, it was culturally diverse, economically brilliant, and was the centre of the World. Humans, elves....

make this more parallel. If you have it was at its beginning, get rid of the and was the centre, because adding it was to the middle would be laying it on thick, The sentence may also need a semicolon.

As for the story, I'm not sure if dwarves should be treated like this

They're people too!

J/k.

Adamboy

Lol this dwarf is a loner. And he's actually a hobit but thinks he's a dwarf.

Yes your right though i do need to revise the opening paragraphs thankyou very much.

Voodoo

A reformatting of the text would be nice. line break.