Originally Posted by strangecs

Okay, so this is the first installment of my main work: Dreams. I have rewritten this so many times, and plan on a few more rewrites, so crit away! I am still not sure of the character names, so feel free to tell me what you think about them as well. I am looking for both grammar and content crits so whatever you feel the need to attack, go for it!! Enjoy.



As the wind rose up around her, the tattered gown began to flap at her legs;(You can start a new sentence, the two aren't really connected) the thick dark purple clouds above her thundered with a ferociousness that she had not seen in many years, as if anticipating the upcoming battle. Before(comma) the brave woman was the only being that stood any chance at defeating her. (Defeating herself? I'm confused)

Why does he not move?

The black-cloaked man simply stood erect, his cape snapping at invisible demons.

Reyna stepped closer.

“Nikolos, what purpose did any of this serve? Why have you done this? Why did you put so many men to their deaths, if all you wanted was to fight me?” Reyna's strong and solid voice defied her slender form as she yelled the inquiries across the bloodied churchyard.

“Will you never understand that you are the only one for me? You think that a pathetic man with nothing can protect you and give you what you need,” the dark man yelled back, and pulled back his hood to reveal a handsome young man, black hair tied back. She did not have to see his eyes to know that they were of the deepest purple. If he was not so vile, she could have become fond of him. Nikolos’s many years of swordsman (I think this is one word)ship and work had made its mark on his physique. Built and tanned, scarred and burned, each mark a story of its own.

“Oh? And if my man can’t, then who can?” She knew what his answer would be, but she refused to understand his logic and see things from his eyes. It would be too painful.

“I can.” His simple answer, strong yet powerful.

“Nikolos, you are not man. You are not of this world. You are a vile and disgusting creature who wants nothing but power. I could never love one such as you.” The beautiful Lady challenged Nikolos to a fight that he knew he would lose, but as she was the one to do it, he knew that it would be pure ecstasy, no matter what the pain.

“Reyna! I accept your challenge, for I feel no sorrow for the deaths of today! If you will not have me as a lover than have me as a killer!” With that, a large white blast flew at Reyna, hitting her in the stomach, sending her to her knees.


“I do not want to hurt you, Reyna, for you are the only Lady that has ever set my heart to racing, you are the only Lady that has been able to bring me happiness, you are the light in my dark world. Do not make me do this to you!” Nikolos pleaded with Reyna, hoping that at least she would not force him to cause her harm. (You don't need this part, it's pretty clear already)

“You don’t get it do you? Nikolos, I will never love you. I will never bow to you!” With that, she raised herself up off the ground and closed her eyes, concentrating her mind, soul, and heart on the one man that she could ever fear, on the one man that ever had a chance of winning her whole heart. When Reyna found the Inner Circle, within the deep confines of her soul, she forced a small amount of energy to her hands. Thrusting them above her head, Reyna called down the rain that had been threatening to fall. Screaming in agony, she then moved her arms down to point towards Nikolos, palms open, and she flexed her fingers. When she felt the immaculate warmth overcome her mind, a strange calmness in settled her heart. Her soul was restless, wanting to release from her body the awesome power that would destroy him and her, all to ensure that the next generation and the next would be safe from the terrible power of Nikolos.

What he saw was the only woman in the world that he could ever love preparing to kill him and probably even her. As he watched her raise her body to an erect position, as he watched her start to glow that deadly white color that was her life-force, he began to wonder what it would have been like if she had just let him love her the way she deserved. Even as he saw her open her eyes and shout the ancient words of eternal banishment to the Fifth Gate of Hell, he wondered at her beauty and her strong will.

Reyna pointed her open hand at Nikolos and prayed to her Father, the King Himself, that the man standing before her would suffer his due share in Hell, like he deserved, no matter how much it hurt her heart.

The white light surrounding her beautiful and slender body now swarmed around her soft and elegant hands. The sheer beauty of her awesome person was an astounding contrast to the stormy and starless sky; to the bodies scattered on the muddy field; to the injured and scared lying about, watching from a distance as their Lady sacrificed herself so that they might live in peace.

“Forgive me…..(only 3 periods are needed for an ellipse)” was the last thing Nikolos said as he was engulfed in the bright light that would shatter their bodies into nothing.

Originally Posted by strangecs

it would still be nice to have some sort of constructive criticism, even if it is just on grammar.